Etiquette at Church
by Virginia Cary Hudson
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Before I go into the house of the Lord with praise and thanksgiving, I lift mine eyes unto the town clock from whence cometh the time to see if I am late. It is not etiquette to be late.
Do not hop, skip, jump or slide in the church vestibule. Tip. Tip all the way to your seat. Be sure and do not sit in other people's pews. Jesus wouldn't care, but other people would. Paying money makes it yours to sit it. The first thing you do is kneel down and thank the Lord for your mother and father and your breakfast and your lunch and your dinner and your lovely wellpaper and your new pink garter belt. Then you can sit and look around just a little bit. Don't turn around and look. That is not etiquette.
Kneel when you pray, stand when you sing, and sit when you listen. On communion Sunday take off your right glove and leave it in your pew. Don't wait until you get to the rail and the Body and the Blood comes around. Don't try to drink up all the wine. That is not etiquette. Leave some for the other people.
Never punch people in church, or giggle or cross your legs. Crossing your legs is a bad as scratching or walking in front of people or chewing gum or saying damm. Don't lose your place in the prayer book. Bow for the cross and for the Father, Son and Holy Ghost. When the choir marches back to the Vestry room and the minister call out goodbye to the Lord until next Sunday, then you can speak to people.
The Baptist church is next door to our church. They sing as loud as they can all the time we are trying to pray. I bet the Lord can't hear one word we say. The Baptist sing about plunging sinners in a bloody fountain drawn from Emmanuell's veins. We sing about Crown Him Lord of All. I think it is much more ladylike to crown the King than to be plunging around in a bloody fountain. I took the cotton off my sore finger once and stuffed it in my ear on the Baptist side. But just once. My mother attended to that.
Of all people who come to Church I love Mrs. Harris best. Mrs Harris is Mrs. Porter's auntie and that make her important, but Mrs Harris doesn't care. She just goes on picking beans. She taught me to tell the young ones from the old ones, just like people. She says I'm a good picker. When I ride my pony out to Mrs, Harris, she plays for me. She plays See the train go round the bend, goodbye my lover goodbye. I bet she plays that because she knows I am with the railroad. Mrs. Harris is cute and when she dies I am going to cry and cry.
Mrs. Harris takes me fishing and I carry the worms and the lunch. But not in the same box. The worms are in a can. She stops the buckboard in front of my house and hollers Yoohoo. That's for me. Mrs. Harris is crippled and it is hard for her to get out. When I am with her I boost her. She says I am the best booster in town. When we get to the Meadows Creek wher we fish I climb out over the shafts and let down the horse's check rein. Mrs Harris says letting down the check rein is just like getting home and taking off your Sunday corset. But I am not a horse and I don't have a corset so I wouldn't know. When I had the measles Mrs Harris brought me the most darling June bug with a red thread on his leg and tied him to my bed post.
Mrs. Harris lets me churn. She has a lot of cows that give milk and one that doesn't and is mean. I asked her why she kept that one and she said, "He is a necessity." All the other cows have names but that one and everything should have a name, so I got me a shingle and painted Mr Necessity on it and nailed it to the gate where the gentleman cow stays and Mrs Harris said she just didn't understand why she didn't think of that herself.
Etiquette is what you are doing and saying when people are looking and listening. When you are thinking is your business. Thinking is not etiquette. Hallelujah, thine the glory. Revive us again.
P.S. If you want to stay awake in church, go to bed early Saturday night. You can't go to the Altar rail until you are 12. That is God's etiquette. You can't put on perfume until you are 16. That is Leesville etiquette. After you are confirmed your sponsor in Baptism can't be blamed for what you do. You are on your own then and if the devil gets you, it's your own fault and serves you right.
Amen and the Lord have mercy.
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