RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTERS~
When I was in high school I used to be terrified of
my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of
wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He
would open the door and immediately affect ma
good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a
handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could
squeeze carbon into diamonds. Now, years later, it is
my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly
persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do
my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even
worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and
they'll stay wilted all night.
"So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your
nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did
you merely want to APPEAR stupid?" As a dad, I have
some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone
tablets that I have on display in my living room.
Daddy's Dating Rules
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd
better be delivering a package, because you're sure not
picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me.
You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at
anything below her neck. If
you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's
body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable
for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that
they appear to be falling off their
hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all
of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be
fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this
compromise: You may come to the door
with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to
big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure
that your clothes do not, infact
come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I
will take my
electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in
place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's
world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some
kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex,
I am the barrrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us
to get to know each other, we should talk aobut sports,
politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do
this. The only information I require
from you is an indication of when you expect to have my
daughter safely back at my
house, and the only word I need from you on this subject
is: "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with
many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with
me as long as it is
okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out
with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but
her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I
will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for
my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do
not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the
movie, you should not be dating at all. My daughter is
putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than
painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing
there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the
oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a
date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than
a wooden stool.
Places where there is darkness. Places where there is
dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the
ambient tamperature is warm enough
to entice my duaghter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff
T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a
goose down parka - zipped
up to her throat.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be
avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay.
Hockey games are okay.
Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied,
balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues
relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless
god of your universe. If I ask you where
you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me
the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I
have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.
Do not trifle with me.
RULE 10: Be afraid,. Be very afraid. It takes very
little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the
driveway for a chopper coming
in over a rice
paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up,
the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns
as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you
pull into the driveways you should exit
the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter
password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought
my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car
- there is no need for you to come inside. The camoflaged
face at the window is mine.
My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come
downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to
recite these ten simple rules from memory. I'd be
embarrassed too-- there are only ten of them, for
crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT
suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these
rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember
them. (I checked into it and the cost is
prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought
writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might
be inadequate --ink washes off--and that my wood
burning set was probably a better alternative.
One time, when my wife caught me having one of my
daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the
driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on
the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I
figured he needed to run through the drill a few
dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on
the boy. "Don't you remember being that age?" she
challenged.
Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with
the ten simple rules?
Hi!
Thank you for Interest, please allow four to six
years
for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are
approved.
Please DO NOT
call or write ( since you probably can't anyway),
however this could cause
you unexpected injury. If your application is
rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen
wearing white ties and carrying violin
cases. It is advisable to watch your back! I'm not
joking either!!