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2002's Top 10 Singles

What can you say about a year where Nickleback's "How You Remind Me" and Puddle of Mudd's "Blurry" were the most played songs of the year, each over 315,000 times? What a waste of airplay. Pay no heed to that, this list won't glorify that shit. Enjoy! The pickings were pretty slim, so if you've got a problem with them, tell me.

20. Nelly ft. Kelly Rowland Dilemma
A soulful ballad about infidelity. Massive hit. Makes sense to me.

19. White Stripes Fell In Love With a Girl
Brilliant, lightning-fast garage rock that was overplayed. Besides, the rest of the album is brilliant too.

18. Snoop Dogg From the Chuuuch to the Palace
Itís true that Snoop has smoked himself stupid (what the hell is a chuuuch??), but itís also true that this is his strongest single in a long time. Thank the big Neptizzle for that one.

17. Cam'ron Oh Boy
Ecstacy was the drug of choice this year for rappers (taking a cue from Missyís last album) and this beat is like a high off E itself. Whoa, this is fucked up. Plus talk about constant airplay.

16. U2 Electrical Storm (William Orbit Mix)
Recorded exclusively for their greatest hits, itís one of their strongest songs since...well, their last ones. Spacey, anthemic; were you expecting techno?

15. Moby We Are All Made of Stars
An innocent, simple New Wave-esque song. Something positive in a year devoid of such feelings.

14. Queens of the Stone Age No One Knows
Dave Grohlís drumming is so tight in this song, itís like a pimp-slap to the ass. Talk about the double threat. A hungry mealworm eating into your brain.

13. Nappy Roots Awnaw
Thick as molasses, laid back like a low-rider, in full pimp paraphernalia. This is the real South.

12. N.E.R.D Rock Star
The Neptunes, once again. This heavy slice of ironic, raging fury was probably the best thing on radio this year. Flipping a finger to ďposersĒ for rocking out, while rocking twice as hard as all of them: only they could have pulled that off.

11. Avril Lavigne Complicated
Sheís 17 and she rocks. Sure, sheís as manufactured for mass consumption as Britney is, but sheís Canadian. Plus she plays guitar, gotta love that.

10. The Hives Main Offender
The guitars sound heavy without reaching the watered-down Nickelback-grunge sound, the singing is horribly out of tune, and the two screeches would deafen dogs for blocks. My God, Iíve never felt so alive!!

9. Oasis Stop Crying Your Heart Out
Perhaps the deepest, most affectionate, and real ballad Noel Gallagher has ever written. And the record buyers donít even bat an eye. What a terrible shame.

8. Clipse Grindin'
Okay, so the Neptunes are now officially one of the most fucked-up production team ever. This beat is undoubtedly their meanest, most clastrophobic neck-snapper yet; in fact, itís pretty much all beat. Electro if ever there was such a thing.

7. Eminem Without Me
Before Rabbit, this was a gleefully rude song, our Slim sounding like a bee with ADD. Single of the year material, in fact. After Rabbit, it was rendered irrelevant. May this be Slimís epitaph, and really continue without him.

6. Missy Elliott Work It
If you thought Missy and Timbo couldnít top that heaving, sweaty ďFreakĒ-fest, shame on you. Shake that bom-bom-bom. Freak it in reverse. Represent in Chinese. Holy shit.

5. Sugababes Freak Like Me
What a freaky, freaky song. Digital squalls and electro-farts, a song about being very nasty. How un-British...

4. Coldplay In My Place
A lost-puppy of a song, this is a copper-bottomed classic. More mature and heartfelt than anything theyíve done before. Gotta love that spine-tingling guitar line, destined for the Hall of Riff Fame.

3. Nelly Hot in Herre
Perfectly timed, this Neptunes-produced joint dropped right as the country suffered a tremendous heatwave. Extreme overexposure, sing-alongs, and ubiquity follows. If you took your clothes off at any time this year, it was because Nelly told you to.

2. Nirvana You Know Your Right
Itís a true testament to Kurt Cobainís power and true talent that an afternoonís work on a Sabbath-esque song could scorch anything on the bloodless rock radio circuit eight years after being recorded. Punishing, cruelly ironic, this is Cobainís self-penned epitaph. Rest in peace.

1. Eminem Lose Yourself
Even after a hit album with two great singles and more amazing rhymes, Marshall Mathers completely switches his style in the mind of Rabbit Smith, writing a hungry rap that displays his true lyrical dexterity over a grimy, guitar-driven track. Heís so ridiculously far ahead of the pack that itís astounding.

And now for a little fun, something new....

2002's Worst Music Moments

Will this list also become a yearly tradition? Maybe, if we see garbage happening in 2003 like this past year. Sit back, relax and have a laugh as you remember these embarrasing moments.

Chad Kroeger everywhere
Yes, we realize you think you're Jesus with your long hair. But you know what? Your band blows, and your music does too. Nickelback were chased off the stage in Portugal by rocks (actually wait, that was a highlight, it doesn't belong on this list). "Hero" was terrible, a poor choice to helm one of the best movies of the year. They mark a devolution back to the Stone Age in their musical "style" (hard to use that word for such derivative, soulless trash) and "blue-collar dude" looks. Go back home. Actually, no, stay the hell out of my country.

The "Dirrty" video
I appreciate your attempts to become a "real artist", Xtina, but please hurry your process to being a porn star. The porn movies always have much better music than you've made recently. There's a difference between good dirty and bad dirty. You're just dirty dirty. Put some clothes on, we can see your clit ring.

Our Lady Peace - Gravity
The Moffats finally complete their Chapter 1. In turn, they began Chapter 2 as formerly great Canadian band Our Lady Peace. Wait a minute, that's not the Moffats? That's actually Our Lady Peace!? Sellout of the year.

The existence of Theory of a Deadman
Yes, that's their name. Everything about them is crap, from the name down to the "music" I think it's harsh that three quarters of this list so far is Canadian based, but hey: we churn out our fair share of crap too. This Nickelback-related band leads the way on the Shit Machine. They look like Nickelback, they sound like Nickelback: highly fitting that they should stink like Nickelback too.

Shawn Desman
Another Canadian. I feel so unpatriotic. But you've gotta give credit where credit is due. Apparently he's trained his whole life, dancing and singing, for his chance at the big time. Well kid, you made it. Thanks for wasting our time as well as yours.

Bon Jovi's Bounce, Toby Keith's "Courtesy of the Red White and Blue (The American Way)"
OK, I think that's enough for the Canadians, how about the beloved Yanks? September 11 was a terrible day no doubt, we saw that clearly. But really, do we need to know what an aging 80's rocker with hair longer than my mom's thought about it? NO! Leave it to Bruce, Bon Jovi. Your CD blows. P.S. Toby Keith, you redneck meathead: park your mouth, bitch! Your steaming pile of jingoistic bullshit is the reason you got attacked in the first place! Overly patriotic sentiments are always fake: you must be made of plastic. How about being fucking humble for a change? You don't want them coming after you with their nukes, I'm sure.

R. Kelly's sex odyssey
This story is just sick. A video tape of that ogre having sex and urinating on a 14-year old girl? Please, not even Motley Crue sank that low on the worst days. You're just filth.

Guns n' Roses at the MTV Video Music Awards
Is this GNR? The legendaryGNR that made the peerlessly dirty rock of Appetite For Destruction? Actually, it's just Axl and some no-namers. I don't believe it. First off, Axl cannot sing. He couldn't then, he can't now. He screeches. Second, confetti?? People who saw it will agree: confetti?? For Christ's sake, the GNR of old would set the stage on fire and piss on the audience! But confetti? Chinese Democracy, when its released in 2009, will flop. Trust me. Go away now, please.

New rock music
No no, not the garage revival. Talking about Creed, Nickelback, Default, Theory of a Deadman, Puddle of Mudd, Papa Roach...can somebody kill me please? Like now? Where the hell do these people come from? What slime spawns them? Why the fuck does radio play them? It's such a grimy blur my ears have been deflowered. Kurt Cobain must be contemplating suicide in his grave all over again.

This year we lost Layne Staley to an all-too-predictable heroin overdose, Dee Dee Ramone also succumbed to the drug. John Entwhistle of the Who died of wild sex and cocaine-hardened arteries. Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes perished in a car accident, and the legendary Joe Strummer passed away from a heart attack. Rest in peace.

Sellout albums
Led by Our Lady Peace's schlock Gravity, others included Audioslave's eponymous debut (two of the bands who made the best albums of the 90's converge to remake the worst of the 70's. Bloodless), and Santana's Shaman (the whole world's listening! How about promoting your fiery afro-fusion instead of the same crappy collabs?). I can't wait until Nickelback's radical rap album!

Santana ft. Chad Kroeger - "Why Don't You & I"
Read the above line. No need to elaborate.

Fred Durst's bubble bursts
Aah, sweet revenge. The try-hard blow-hard who ushered in the new rock movement of shlock had his 15 minutes of fame run out into infamy. The disastrous Big Day Out case dogged him all year and Limp Bizkit's search for a new guitarist was pathetic. He even called Wes Borland to come back!! What a loser, nice to know you Fred. Well, not it wasn't.

KISS reunites for Winter Olympics
Okay, if you're going to retire, FUCK OFF already!! We don't need to see your wrinkled old asses trying to look hip, playing on a float skating across the ice. Maybe if it wasn't in front of 2 billion people, but rather at the State Country Fair where you belong.

Michael Jackson melts into a caricature
His baseless fight against Tommy Motola, calling him a racist devil. On crutches because he was bitten by a spider. Aceepting a non-existent Artist of the Millennium award two years into the actual new one. Making strange faces/noises in a courtroom. Dangling his baby over a German hotel balcony. All of them so juicy, such easy pickings. This isn't even funny anymore. He needs more help than ridicule now.

Product placement in Goldmember
I dunno if its ironic or just a ploy for the Benjamins, but Mike Myers, the man whose Wayne's World character spoke out against the evils of product placement, places corporate whore Britney in a three-minute "commercial" in his new movie. Is he being ironic? It was played for laughs, but the knife cuts deeper than that.

The Grammys
They have always sucked. This year was no exception. Instead of U2 or whoever else was nominated, O Brother, Where Art Thou? won the album award. Until the Left Sun breaks through and sweeps everything, the Grammys always will suck. This upcoming one? Can't wait, I guarantee it will suck.

And the most horrifying, shocking, vomit-inducing, nadir of music in 2002 is: *drumroll*
Aah, where to start. Is it the gathering of talentless lowlives and pretty faces for money? The slaughter of perfectly good old songs by a new generation of classless "interpreters"? Yes, it is a massive ploy to make dirty money. Kelly what's-her-name is trash, voice or no voice. That big lion-headed fudgepacker is ugly. The rest of them trash. Can't wait for their debut albums to jam up the record stores. Nor for the long-awaited American Idol 2. Did I mention this was all for dirty money? Infinite pity and sorrow to those who bought into the hype. I hope you will soon see the error of your ways.

So the best way I can end 2002 is: how about giving some real bands some air time? The record companies are so corrupt that the word "music" doesn't mean shit anymore, it's just an empty word used to describe a racket and body parts. The 2% of the decent companies will hopefully use their resource of talented bands to come and scorch the trash they call music. I call upon the White Stripes, Coldplay and all decent bands to rise against their oppressors and slaughter them all. We've overcome worse; this shall be no exception.

Did I do a good job? Don't agree with my bitter rantings? Tell me about it.