Touching Willow

It had been a pretty typical Friday, really. Fish sticks for lunch, gross. Xander actually enjoying fish sticks for lunch, even grosser. Willow and Xander not being friends anymore, just plain depressing.

I hate what happened between those two. Mostly I feel bad for Xander. Don't get me wrong, I think he was an idiot for not realizing how perfect he and Willow are for each other a long time ago, but he paid way too high a price. Willow got Oz back, and I'm happy for her. They love each other, they're good together. But poor Xander got shafted. For one thing he lost Cordelia, which he seems to think is a big deal even if I don't. I think it's mostly guilt over how badly she got hurt, which I can understand. But much worse is the fact that he lost Willow. They're not even friends anymore, not really. They barely talk, and Willow won't spend any time with him because she's afraid it'll make Oz suspicious. It just breaks my heart. And I know it breaks his too, even if he does his best not to show it. And I wish I could do something to make it all better, but apparently Slayer powers are useless in affairs of the heart. Which I already knew, come to think of it.

But like I said, a pretty typical Friday. I ran into Giles after my last period English class, where I aced the test thank you very much, and we headed over to the library so I could kick his ass. Or train, as he prefers to call it. We were just about to the library when we saw Willow come barreling out the doors. She went the other direction and apparently didn't even see us, but I'd swear she was crying. I told Giles I'd be in in a minute and went after her.

I got to the corner and saw her in Oz's arms, and the tears seemed to be drying up so I figured I'd leave well enough alone and headed back to the library. I'm pretty sure they didn't even notice me, which was probably for the best.

When I got to the library Giles asked me if Willow was okay, and all I could do was shrug and tell him she was with Oz. I made a mental note to call her later on that night, then got down to the business of beating the crap out of Giles. Sometimes I love my job.

After about an hour, we were both tired enough to quit. Giles is pretty tough, and our fights aren't nearly as one-sided as I make them sound. So when he called a halt to the festivities I was more than happy to oblige. We gathered our things and as we walked out I told Giles I'd head home, grab some dinner and a shower and then go on patrol. He offered me a ride, but I told him I'd rather walk to cool down.

I'm glad I did, because I barely made it a block before I realized I'd forgotten my chemistry notes. There was a test coming up and I wanted to get at least a little bit of studying in over the weekend. I was tempted to just leave it and cram Monday night, but it always makes Mom happy when I study over the weekend so I figured it was worth doubling back.

I've always thought the school was pretty spooky at night with no one around. I know, I know, I'm the Slayer, facer-down of all fears and bad things. And I didn't let it stop me, I'm just mentioning it because that's probably why I was really timid and quiet coming back into the library. I barely made a sound as I slowly walked over to the table I'd left my notebooks on. The lights were out, but enough of them stay on all the time that I could see fairly well. And of course I could hear just fine.

When I heard something in the upper stacks I whirled towards the sound, dropping into a fighting stance without even thinking about it. But then I stopped and listened more carefully. It sounded like someone was crying. I figured Willow must have come back after Giles and I left so I raced up the stairs to find her.

I walked around one of the shelves and came to a dead halt. It was Xander. He was leaning against one of the bookshelves, and he was crying. I've never seen Xander cry before. It surprised me so much that I just stood there for a few seconds.

He didn't even notice me at first, he had his eyes closed and he was crying so hard. Then I must have moved or made a sound or something because his eyes snapped open and he just froze. We stared at each other for a second or two, then he quickly jerked his head away and began scrubbing at his eyes with his sleeve.

I didn't know what to do. If it had been Willow, I would have rushed over and grabbed her in a big hug. But Xander never liked anyone to see him at a disadvantage and I knew he was embarassed that I'd caught him. But I couldn't just leave.

"Xander? Are you okay?" It seemed like a safe enough question under the circumstances.

He looked at me again. He looked right through me for a second, as if I wasn't there. Then his eyes focused and he said something. A greeting, I suppose, but I'm not sure. I was looking at his eyes, trying to understand what I saw in them. There was pain there, of course, but it was muted. He was beyond pain, I think. Or not beyond it, because I'm sure he was hurting terribly. Beyond resisting the pain, maybe. I think he accepted it, was resigned to it, and somehow that made it even worse. It made me feel so bad for him that I almost missed it when he started talking again.

"So what brings the Slayer up into the stacks on this fine picture of an evening? Looking for a little light reading material?"

I knew he wanted me to joke with him, ignore the tears, let him salvage his pride. I couldn't do that. Part of me wanted to. Part of me wanted to turn around and walk away and pretend it had never happened, pretend I'd never seen him there. But it was the part I don't like all that much. The part I've let rule me far too often. I'm getting better though. I think. I hope.

But I didn't know what to do. I knew I had to help him, but I didn't know how. I never know how. The only thing I could think of was to ask him.

"What's wrong, Xander?"

He brushed it off, like I knew he would. "Nothing. Nothing's wrong, Buff. I'm fine, really." He flashed a smile, but it looked more grotesque than cheerful and it certainly didn't reach his eyes. "I'm okay. I just want to be left alone, that's all."

Again that part of me felt tempted, but it was much easier to ignore this time. This was Xander. I moved over to where he was sitting and dropped to the floor so I was sitting next to him. "I'm not going away until you let me help you." Very softly. I had to make him believe me.

He didn't look at me for a long time, and I didn't say anything. Finally he slumped, as if all the life had gone out of him. "It's Willow. She hates me."

I wanted to cry myself at the pain in his voice. No one should ever have to feel like that, not ever. But I knew he couldn't be right. Willow didn't hate him. God, I hoped he wasn't right.

No! This was Willow we were talking about. And she wouldn't have been crying earlier if she hated him. Would she? No. This was Willow and Xander. Hatred didn't belong there.

"Xander, she doesn't hate you. She can't hate you. You're her Xander." I said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world, and to me it was. Those two belong together, as best friends if not more, and if they weren't together it meant the world just wasn't the place I needed it to be.

He looked like I'd just stabbed him through the heart and I wished desperately that I could have taken the words back, even though I didn't know what I'd said wrong.

"I'm not her Xander anymore, Buffy. And she's not my Willow. We've been like strangers since we got caught. Since she went back to Oz and started ignoring me." I thought he was going to start crying again, but he closed his eyes and held his breath for a few seconds, and when he looked at me again his eyes were free of tears. I could see them though, waiting to come out again.

"But I thought we were getting better. She hasn't been all over Oz when I'm around, like she knows she doesn't have anything to prove anymore. And it was just us here in the library for last period, and she smiled at me instead of getting all nervous like she did for so long after we got caught. She went and got lost on the computer instead of talking to me, but I figured this is Willow, she does that all the time anyways. So I thought we were getting better. But then I had to go and fuck it up all over again."

Again with the eyes closed and the holding the breath. Again he kept the tears away for just a little longer.

"I forgot, that's all. She was sitting at the computer, typing a mile a minute, and she asked me to bring her her notebook so she could find a website. 'No problemo' says I, and put down the stake I was whittling to bring it over to her. She smiled to thank me and took it and turned back to the computer and the sun caught her hair. Have you ever noticed Willow's hair in the sun?" I shook my head, not wanting to break his train of thought. "It glows, it's just beautiful. That's the very first thing I noticed about her when we were kids, before I even knew her name. Her hair was just on fire in the sunlight. So beautiful."

He trailed off and I was afraid he was done talking. I was trying to figure out a way to get him started again when he spoke, startling me.

"And I forgot. I reached out and took a bit of her hair in my hand. I've done that a million times, Buff. Just about every time I'm with Willow I end up playing with her hair. She likes it as much as I do. Or she did. But I forgot, I can't do that anymore." The tears finally escaped and started rolling down his cheeks, but he ignored them so I did too. "She jerked away from me like I was a demon or something. Then she looked at me like I was something even worse. I tried to apologize, I did, I just forgot is all, but she wouldn't listen. She screamed at me, told me never to touch her again and ran out." He closed his eyes again and cradled his head in his hands.

"I just wanted to die, Buff. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I saw you and Giles coming in but I didn't want you to see me so I hid up here until you left. I was gonna go home then, but I just didn't see the point. I don't even think I have a home anymore. Willow was always my home. That's when I started crying, when I realized I could never go home again."

He looked up at me, and his eyes held nothing but pain. "Never touch her again? It's like telling me not to breathe. I can't not touch her. She's my Willow. I have to touch her, Buff." He must have seen my thoughts in my eyes, because he clarified himself quickly. "Not like that. Well, yeah, I liked touching her when we kissed and all, but that was nothing compared to just touching her. Holding her hand when we're walking home. Putting my arm around her shoulders in the hall between classes. Playing with her hair. Hugging her just because I feel like it. It's like sometimes I have to make sure she's real, that she's still there. Something deep inside of me always expected her to leave me, all these years. To realize I don't deserve her and move on to people who do. But she never did. She always stuck by me. Until now. Until I forgot. Until I touched her." He was trying to smile, hide the pain again, but he couldn't. I did the only thing that seemed right. I moved over next to him and pulled him into my arms.

He resisted at first, struggled, but I didn't let him go. It felt good to know that my Slayer strength was good for something besides violence. When he realized he couldn't get away he stiffened in my arms, still resisting. I just held on until finally he relaxed and leaned into me. He wasn't crying anymore. We sat there for awhile, me holding him, him letting himself be held. All I could think about was how glad I was that I'd come back to the library to get my notebook. And how glad I was that Xander was letting me do this for him. He needed it so badly.

I'm pretty sure Xander was waiting me out, seeing if I was going to leave him alone again. I wasn't. I wasn't going anywhere. It took him awhile to believe that. When he did, he started talking again. His voice was almost back to normal now, but I didn't let it fool me.

"I never realized how many times I touched her every day. And I never realized how little I touched anyone else." His voice trailed off. I knew I had to keep him talking, since I sure didn't know what to say. Holding him was about the only thing I knew how to do. I was at a loss for what to do next. I was really, really hoping I'd figure it out on the fly, but I was afraid I was going to screw it up royally, hurt Xander even more.

"What do you mean, how little you touch anyone else?" It was as good a way to keep him talking as any, and I really didn't understand what he meant. Two for two, yay Buffy.

He twisted in my arms to look at me and I could tell he wasn't sure how much he wanted to tell me. My first instinct was to glare at him, but I've learned my first instincts aren't always the way to go. I just kept my arms around him and looked back at him and did my best to let him know with my eyes that he could tell me, that I wanted to know, that I wanted to help. I tried to let him know how much he meant to me, how much I cared, without saying a word. I was hoping it would work, but I wasn't betting on it. I was never very good at letting him know those things. At letting anyone know those things.

We just sat there in silence for awhile, but I think I must have gotten through to him. Or maybe he needed to talk even more than he needed to hide the pain. He settled back down and closed his eyes again before he started to speak.

"Sometimes I lay awake at night and try to remember the last time I touched another human being. It used to be easy. Nine times out of ten, it was Willow. But not anymore. Lately I've been noticing every time I touch someone, or someone touches me. It doesn't happen that often, and it's never Willow anymore. Until I forgot, anyways." He paused to get his breathing under control and I knew he was fighting back the tears again. I just held him, letting him know it was okay.

"Today I touched six people. Coming into school this morning I bumped up against some freshman I don't know. Third period Marsha Silvestri dropped her pen, and her fingers touched mine when I handed it back to her. Lunch lady Doris touched my hand a bit when she was giving me my change. You kinda pushed me at lunch when I said I like the fish sticks, and then later you hit me when I made that crack about Angel. Giles gave me a very British pat on the shoulder when he left Willow and me alone at the start of our study hall. Then Willow's hair. And now you again." He leaned further into me, and I shifted to accomodate him. "It's not enough, Buffy. It's just not enough."

I jerked upright, started to pull my arms from around him. I thought he was saying that's what he wanted. Like I said, I've never been any good at this. He clutched at my hands, holding them so I couldn't let go. I immediately stopped moving, brought my arms back to where they were. After a moment he relaxed against me again.

"That's not what I meant, Buffy. This right now is enough. It's perfect. Thank you." I didn't say anything, I just squeezed him a bit harder for a second. "But you can't hold me like this forever."

"Yes I can. I'm not going anywhere, Xander." I meant it, too. I was going to hold onto him until the end of time if I had to. I'm not entirely sure how I expected to manage that, but I've never been the planner of the group.

He chuckled a little bit, and underneath the pain was real humor. It warmed my heart, but I knew we weren't out of the woods yet.

"You have to let go sometime, Buff. Your mother's not going to be too crazy about bringing your dinner down here to the library, don't you think?"

I hadn't even thought about the fact that my mother was expecting me home for dinner. But then I realized he'd given me the solution. "You're coming home with me tonight."

I looked up into his startled eyes. His first reaction, of course, was to make a joke. "Um, it's not that I'm not thrilled to be propositioned by a Slayer, Buff." I saw something behind his eyes then, a different sort of pain, but I couldn't identify it before he moved on. "But what's your mom going to think if I just drop in for dinner at the last minute?"

Okay, now I knew he was grasping at straws. "Xander, my mother loves having you over for dinner and you know it. Now come on." I got up but he stayed on the floor, so I reached down and grabbed his hand. "C'mere, you." Once again I was thankful for my strength, because he did not want to get up. A willful Slayer will not be denied, however, and a few seconds later he was standing next to me. I made sure not to let go of his hand for even a second. So he wouldn't run away, and so he wouldn't be alone.

He tried, of course. I'd have been surprised if he hadn't. "Buff, it's okay. I'm okay now. You helped a lot, thank you, but I'm just going to go home now." He was doing his best to get his hand out of mine, but nothing doing. I held on until he realized it wasn't going to happen. Then he just stopped completely, no movement at all.

I looked at him and waited until he met my eyes. "You are going home, Xander. My home. You know you're welcome anytime." It was a statement but also a question, and I breathed a sigh of relief when he nodded just a little bit. "I don't want you to be alone right now, Xander. You don't want that either, do you?"

He didn't answer for awhile. He just stood there, straight and tense. The only time Xander has good posture is when he's nervous about something. We just stood together, hand in hand, until finally he relaxed and nodded his head. "No. I don't want to be alone." His voice was so soft it was barely a whisper, but I heard, and inside I smiled. Getting Xander to admit he needs something is like pulling teeth, but it's worth it. I knew he wouldn't fight me anymore.

That settled, I immediately went into high gear. I pulled Xander down the stairs to the table with my books on it and thrust them into his stomach, pushing a small 'oof!' out of him. "Since you're coming to dinner the least you can do is carry my books for me."

That won me another real smile, and I started to think that maybe I knew what I was doing after all. We walked out of the library together, still holding hands, and I could tell he was starting to relax just a little bit.

I knew there was a lot still of work to be done, but for the first time I thought I was up to the challenge.

***

NOTES: Buffy's lack of confidence in her ability to help and care for her friends is something that just worked itself into the story. I didn't set out to put it in, but there it is. I think it works for her - she's very confident about her abilities as a Slayer, but the interpersonal stuff still scares her. Please note that it's only her own opinion of her friendship abiliites that rates her as lacking - as far as I'm concerned, she's a helluva good friend and is doing exactly what Xander needs instinctively, no matter how badly she thinks she's doing. I hope that comes through in my writing.

Part 2

We took the long way home, avoiding both the Pine Street graveyard and Willow's house. I didn't want there to be any distractions. And besides, it was nice walking along with Xander's hand in mine. It made me feel like a regular girl for a little bit. The fact that Xander was hurting so badly really took all the fun out of it though.

The one thing I noticed was that he never stopped holding my hand. I wasn't keeping a tight hold on him anymore, he could've let go if he'd wanted to. I guess he didn't want to. That made me feel good, to know he was willing to let me hold him, to let me help him. Just knowing that he liked holding my hand felt good. I think maybe I needed it just as much as he did.

We didn't talk at all. Which is pretty amazing considering this is me and Xander we're talking about. I think just being together was enough. I wasn't even thinking about it, not really. At least not the details. I was just thinking about the fact that I don't like it when he's hurting. And the fact that sometimes it seems like all he does is hurt. And how unfair that is. And how much I really, really wanted to help him. Okay, I guess I was thinking about it after all. Sue me.

It didn't take us too long to get home, even though I was walking pretty slow. I was trying to figure out what to tell my mom. Like I'd told Xander, she loves having him over for dinner, that wasn't the problem. But there was no way I was letting him go home after dinner, and there was no way I was letting him be alone either. And I figured that might be a problem.

I hadn't thought of how to tell her by the time we arrived. I figured I'd wing it later on. It works on vampires, why not my mom?

Mainly 'cause my mom can be tougher than any vampire, but I tried not to think about that.

She was in the kitchen, just finishing up dinner. I had to pull Xander in through the doorway. He had decided to be difficult again, apparently. I wasn't worried, I knew Mom could wear him down. She was so busy at the stove she hadn't even heard us come in.

"Hey Mom! He followed me home. Can I keep him?" Xander looked down at his shoes at that, but I could tell he was smiling a little bit. He tried to pull his hand out of mine again, but I didn't let him.

Mom turned around with a puzzled look on her face, but that turned into a big grin when she saw Xander. "I don't know, honey. Has he had his shots?"

"I'm not sure. He does look kinda wormy, doesn't he?"

Mom put her hand to her mouth to stifle a giggle and Xander smiled a bit more, but then his face clouded. "Hey! I think I resent that!" But there was so much of the old, normal Xander humor in his voice that I knew he wasn't thinking about Willow for just a second. I counted that as a victory. You take what you can get in this line of work.

If it was a victory it was short-lived though. Xander's eyes were the first to show the pain was back, then just like that I could tell it all came back to him. He hid it well, he always does, but I could see it.

Mom saw it too, or saw something at least. She looked at his eyes, then seemed to notice for the first time that we were holding hands. Her eyes went all soft and she took a few steps towards Xander. Her hand came up as if to touch him, but she seemed to catch herself and dropped it back to her side.

"Xander? Are you okay, honey?" Her voice was so soft, just like when she tucks me into bed when I get sick or hurt. And her eyes were all over him, checking out every part for cuts or injuries. I see that look every night when I come home, but this was different somehow. It was like she was expecting to find something even worse than what we pick up fighting vampires.

I didn't have time to figure it out. Xander's voice broke my train of thought. "I'm okay, Mrs. Summers. Nothing wrong here."

It was the most unconvincing lie I've ever heard come out of his mouth, and believe me I've heard some whoppers. But Mom dropped it. She could tell Xander wanted her to. She never drops it when I want her to, but I'm not bitter. Well, maybe a tad.

"Okay, if you say so. Why don't you two set the table? I hope you like beef stew, because I made enough to feed an army." Then she looked at Xander again and smiled a bit ruefully. She was obviously revising her first estimate and wondering if she'd made enough. Like I said, Mom likes having Xander over for dinner. She told me once that he'll eat us out of house and home if we give him half a chance, but she loves having someone around who likes her cooking so darn much. And he does dishes, which is hard to beat since Mom and I both hate doing them.

Xander and I got the dishes and silverware out and set the table. We had to stop holding hands, of course, but I made sure to stay near him. Once his hand reached out towards me, but he drew it back quickly when he realized what he was doing. Without even really looking at him, I just pulled him into a quick hug, then released him and went back to setting the table. Mom saw us but didn't say anything. Once when Xander's back was turned, she raised her eyebrows in a question to me. All I had time to do was mouth "Willow" to her before Xander turned around, but her eyes lit up in understanding and I breathed a sigh of relief. At least she wouldn't ask about Will over dinner. That's all we needed. A minute or so later I noticed that she moved my plate and chair a little closer to Xander's while he wasn't looking. Damn she's good.

Dinner was good too. No, scratch that, dinner was great. Mom's a good cook, but she outdid herself this time. The stew was great, plenty of meat and vegetables. And she'd made fresh bread to go along with it. And, God help us, there was even a fresh-baked apple pie for dessert. And ice cream, of course. It's like she'd known that Xander was coming over and that what he needed was good food and some down time with people who cared about him. I decided to take it as a good omen. The conversation was good too. Mom made sure to keep it light, drawing Xander out about various things. Nothing to do with school or Slaying, just little stuff. A movie she'd seen the week before, a band she somehow knew he liked. I swear, she was perfect. I wanna be just like her when I grow up.

I was on Xander's right side, pretty close thanks to Mom, and I spent a lot of dinner with my left hand in my lap, just in case. Just when I'd given up on him, Xander's hand reached over and squeezed mine, just a little bit, before going back above the table. I smiled, and I saw Mom did too. He wasn't waiting for me to reach out to him anymore. I took that as a good omen too, because I knew I couldn't do this if he wasn't helping me. I wasn't sure I could do it even if he did help, but I felt better about our chances after that, believe me.

After dinner we put the dishes in the sink and Mom informed Xander that it was time to pay the bill. He smiled, another real one, and started scrubbing. I've never understood how he can enjoy doing dishes but have a room that looks like a federal disaster area. He says it's the warm water, it feels nice. That and the fact that there's a definite end in sight. Once you've done all the dishes you know you've accomplished something. I guess I can see that.

While he was scrubbing away - and whistling a jaunty tune, which gave me even more reason to be hopeful - I dragged Mom into the living room for a quick briefing. I told her what had happened, how I'd found Xander and hadn't wanted him to be alone. She reacted about how I expected, about the way I had myself.

She was a bit confused though. "I thought Willow and Xander were getting along better lately? I had such high hopes for those two putting that mess last year behind them." Of course Mom knows about the fluke and all that. It's not like I could talk to Willow about it.

"I thought they were doing better too. They were doing better. I don't know what happened. Xander said she just freaked. I'll talk to her about it next time I see her. Right now I'm worried about Xander."

Mom nodded and I knew she was just as worried as I was. That's what gave me the courage to bring up what I'd been avoiding even thinking about all night. "Mom, I want him to stay here tonight."

She looked at me like I'd said something stupid. "Of course he's staying here! I'm not letting him go home alone any more than you are."

Okay, so far so good, but that was the easy part. "I want him to sleep in my room. In my bed. With me."

I braced myself for impact, but she just nodded like me sleeping with Xander made perfect sense. "That's a good idea. He shouldn't be alone."

I just blinked for a few seconds, but found my voice so I could ask the million dollar question. "Okay, who are you and what have you done with my mother?" I was relieved she wasn't arguing, sure, but it freaked me out too.

"I just think it's a good idea that he have someone to be with tonight. I'm glad you thought of it." The sad little smile on her face and her tone of voice reminded me of how she'd reacted when we'd first come in, and I just knew there was something else going on.

"Okay, Mom, spill. You're acting like you've been through this with him before. And I'm not sure, but I think it bothers me a bit that you're so willing to let me go to bed with a guy." Well, wouldn't it bother you?

She chuckled a bit at that. "I know you don't feel that way about Xander, honey. Though I've never understood why. You two would be so good together..." She shook her head and derailed that train of thought, much to my relief.

"Okay, but what about the other part? You've seen him like this before?" I hate to say it, but I think I was a bit jealous. Even I'd never really seen him like this before. He'd never let me.

She didn't want to answer me, I could tell that easily enough. Finally she nodded a little bit, and her face went all tender. "I've seen him like this before, yes. It was last summer while you were... gone." Pain crossed her face but it was gone in a second. "He came over one night when he needed a friend and everyone else was out of town." Her face closed up. "And that's all I can tell you. But I know that he needs you tonight, Buffy, and I'm so glad you're here for him." She leaned over and hugged me so tight I couldn't breathe for a second, then got up and pulled me off the couch. "Now let's go get him out of the kitchen before he gets lonely. Or sets those ugly curtains on fire again."

My mother, ladies and gentlemen. God, I don't appreciate her enough.

I let her go in ahead of me. I had a call to make.

Giles answered on the third ring, which meant he took the time to turn the TV off so no one would know he was watching Simpsons reruns. It scares me how well I know him sometimes. But mostly it makes me feel good.

"Ah, Hello?" He always sounds awkward on the phone. I've never figured out why.

"Giles, it's Buffy." Of course he knew that, but it's one of the things you say, right? "I need a favor."

"Oh hello Buffy. What's wrong?" He slipped into protective Watcher-mode like he was born to it. Which he was, I guess.

"Could you do the patrol for me tonight?" I swear, I could hear his eyebrows bunch together in confusion. "Xander's having some trouble and I don't want to leave him alone."

"Trouble, what kind of trouble?" He's just as protective of Xander and Will as he is of me, and I love him for it.

"He and Will had a huge fight and he thinks she hates him." That's as concise as I could make it.

"Willow doesn't hate him." Giles said it like it was the simplest thing in the world. We think alike.

"I know that and you know that, but Xander won't until Will calms down and they can talk. It was bad. So can you handle the patrol tonight?"

"Of course, I'd be happy to. I'll go out in just a little while, after I'm done with some, er, things here."

I smiled at that. "So which episode is it tonight?"

His voice brightened. "The one with Bleeding Gums Murphy in the hospital. I've always liked..." He paused, then resumed in a calmer tone. "What I m-meant to say is I have no idea what you're referring to."

I laughed, and I heard him chuckle a bit. "That's a good one all right. I'll let you go so you can get back to it before the song."

I felt him smile ruefully from clear across town. "Well, thank you. Not that I have any idea what you're talking about."

"Of course not. Bye Giles, and thanks." I hung up the phone with a grin on my face. It faded a bit as I went into the kitchen. Serious business ahead.

Xander and Mom were just finishing up putting the dishes away. Xander looked up and smiled at me as I came in, then gestured to the empty sink and clean table and stove.

"Will that pay for my meal ladies, or are there other..." a pause, a slight leer, "services you require?" I felt my eyes go wide and my cheeks burn. On the one hand, if he could joke like that again I knew he was getting better, but on the other hand, my mother was standing right there!

And on the eww! hand, she had a speculative look on her face! She scrunched up her mouth the way she does when she's thinking something through, then finally said "Tempting as the offer is, I think we're even now Xander." I'd swear there was real regret in her voice, which I so did not need to hear.

Xander shrugged philosophically and the subject was dropped, to my immense relief. Mom herded us out into the living room and we began what I can only call Operation Xander-Cheer. Dear lord above did we do our best to take that boy's mind off of Willow. Mom directed things like a general in battle. First came the board games. Mom dug out all the games and we played Parcheesi. I wanted Yahtzee but I was overruled. Sure, let the guy who just lost his best friend pick the game. Bah. But I think it's safe to say a fun time was had by all.

Next came the movie. Mom put me in charge of picking the movie while she and Xander put the games away and got the popcorn and soda ready. As you might imagine, I took my responsibility very seriously. Great care must be taken in choosing a good cheer-up movie in the best of circumstances, and these circumstances certainly weren't the best. I looked through our collection with a practiced eye. No chick flicks, because Willow loved those and we didn't want to think about her. No romances, because even though Xander said he didn't think of Willow that way, I figured he was lying so I didn't want to take the risk. Which meant The Princess Bride was a no-go, and that one had always served as my default movie in situations like this. I thought about an action flick, but the only one we have is True Lies and I wasn't in the mood to see Xander's reaction to Jamie-Lee's dancing scene, even if it would cheer him up. I finally decided wacky comedy was the only way to go, and since Xander, Willow and I had watched my Marx Brothers stuff together just a few weeks before, and since Xander always got depressed at the end of Animal House when the subtitles say Boone and Katy get divorced, I knew there was only one real choice. Only one movie that would fit the bill.

I speak, of course, of The Blues Brothers. Comedy, action, great music, and a car chase through a mall. Any movie that has Illinois Nazis, Princess Leia, a mission from God, cute orphans, psycho nuns, the Illinois National Guard, the best damned fried chicken in the state, white slaver impersonations and Ray Charles firing a .45 at a little kid is good by me.So when Xander and mom came back into the living room with the eats I popped the movie in and we settled in on the couch.

And we laughed. Oh how we laughed. I don't remember ever laughing that hard. And Xander was the same - he laughed so much he could barely breathe. That bothered me at first, I was afraid he was working at it too hard. I was afraid he was trying to deny his feelings rather than just put them aside for a bit. But I watched him for awhile and I knew that's not what he was doing. He was just ignoring the pain for a little while, giving himself time to regroup before dealing with it. So I did the same, and we had fun, real honest fun. We needed it. Him especially, but me too. I still didn't think I was going to be able to help him through everything, but sitting there with him and Mom, laughing our asses off, I knew I'd give it my best shot and that was all I could do. But I was scared, as scared as I'd ever been fighting vampires. If I screwed up there, the worst that would happen to me is that I'd die. If I screwed up here, I'd have to live knowing that I'd hurt Xander, hurt him even more when he was already in pain. If I did that to him, I wouldn't want to go on living.

With an effort I put the thoughts out of my head and got back to laughing like a fiend. When the movie was over I realized I had my head resting on Xander's shoulder, and he had his arm around me. I couldn't tell you when that happened, but it felt nice. It felt nice to sit there and watch a movie with a normal guy, a guy I could let into my house and let my mother know about. That's the first time I ever wished I loved Xander as more than a friend. Mom was right, we would've been good together. But it wasn't meant to be, I guess. And no matter what, that was not the time to get into it, so I put those thoughts out of my head and got moving. It was hard getting up and leaving his arms though, I'll tell you that.

When I stood up, I realized that Mom had fallen asleep. She was leaning against the back of the couch, dead to the world. That didn't surprise me too much. She always falls asleep on the couch then wakes up to go to bed later on. She says she needs the nap to come up with the energy to make it to bed. Mom's weird.

I pulled Xander up off the couch and we managed to get Mom rearranged so she was lying down more comfortably without waking her up. This was not a difficult task since Mom sleeps almost as deeply as Willow. I pulled an afghan over her as Xander gathered up the glasses and popcorn bowls and brought them into the kitchen. After he was out of the room, I leaned down and kissed her on the forehead. She'd been so good all night, I knew if I got through to Xander it would be because of her as much as anything I did.

When I got into the kitchen, Xander had already washed the bowls and was moving on to the glasses. That boy worries me. But it really looked like he was enjoying himself, so I had no complaints coming. He put the cleaned dishes on the drying rack and turned to speak to me.

"This, um, this has been great Buffy." He waved his hand to indicate everything that had happened tonight. "Really great, I really needed it. Thank you. And thank your mom for me tomorrow, will you?" His eyes darted to the door, then back to me.

I just smiled at him. I could tell he actually thought he was going home. Not the brightest boy, our Xander. But cute. "You can thank her yourself, Xander."

He looked puzzled. "What do you mean?"

"You're staying here tonight."

I almost cried at the relief I saw in his eyes, and the hope in his voice. "Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure. You're staying here. End of story."

He still had to try to argue. "Your mom's on the couch, Buff. We shouldn't wake her up." He was obviously looking to lose the argument though, so I knew I was making progress.

"We're not going to wake her up. You're sleeping in my bed."

He looked confused again, and I really can't blame him. "Then where will you sleep?"

I looked into his eyes and took a deep breath. "In my bed."

I expected him to make a joke, or more likely to argue some more. What I didn't expect was the flash of panic and pain in his eyes. My own eyes must have betrayed that I'd seen, because in a second it was gone. He'd shut those feelings down, denied their existence even to himself. He's so very, very good at that, so good it breaks my heart.

"What is it? What's wrong?" Even as I asked, I knew he wasn't going to answer me.

And I was right. "Nothing. I'm okay." He looked at me and relented a bit at whatever he saw in my eyes. "It's got nothing to do with Willow, I promise. Just some stuff I have to work through on my own."

I didn't want to let it go, but I knew I had to drop it for the moment at least. "You know you can tell me if you need someone to talk to?" I didn't realize how important his answer was until I asked, and I breathed a sigh of relief when he nodded. If he didn't know he could tell me anything, then there was just no point. "Okay then, we'll forget it. For now." I added as he started to smile a bit, but he just nodded again and I knew that was the best answer I was going to get for the moment.

I grabbed his hand and pulled him upstairs. I didn't have to work too hard, so I was hoping we'd be okay. When I got him into my room though, he balked. "Uh, Buff, I don't know how good an idea this is..."

I didn't let him go any further. "Well, I do." As I looked into his eyes, it occurred to me that I'd done that more in the past few hours than I ever had before. Right there I made a resolution to keep doing it. He has nice eyes, and it's so easy to get through to him that way. "Xander, I need to ask you for a favor."

His eyes lit up like I knew they would. Xander's always willing to give, never to take. And I was quite willing to ruthlessly take advantage of that fact. "What do you need?" He was ready, willing and able to do what I wanted.

"I need you to stay here tonight." His eyes clouded. He thought I was trying to trick him, but I wasn't. "I need you to let me help you, let me hold you, Xander." He didn't believe me, or couldn't let himself believe me. "I don't want you to leave. I want you to stay. I need you to stay. You need it too, and you know it. It hurts that you won't let me help you, so please let me help. Okay?"

I was crying. I didn't even know it until Xander reached over to wipe away my tears. He was crying too, a little bit. Served him right as far as I was concerned, but I forgave him when he pulled me into his arms and started rocking me back and forth.

"I'm sorry Buff. I don't mean to push you away, I really don't. But this isn't easy for me. It's never been easy. I do the same thing to Willow, if that makes it any better."

It did make it better, at least a little. What really made it better is that he held me until I stopped crying. He held me and he let me hold him. I just relaxed in his arms for a long while. It was so peaceful. Until a thought occurred to me and broke the tranquility.

I pulled away a little bit. Not far enough to leave his arms, just enough to look up at his face. I tried to put a stern expression on my face. "Xander, I'm supposed to be helping you here, not the other way around."

I'm guessing I didn't look all that stern, judging by the grin he flashed me. "Buffy, if you don't think I find holding a drop- dead gorgeous blonde helpful you really don't know me all that well."

I laughed at that but pulled my arm away from him to hit him on the shoulder.He'd have been disappointed if I hadn't. "So are you okay with this?" I swung my hand out to indicate the bed we'd be sharing.

He still looked a bit doubtful, but he nodded. "Yeah, I'm okay. And thank you."

"No thanks necessary. You'd do the same for me."

I knew it was a mistake the second I said it, but instead of heading him off I let him reply. "Yes. Yes I would, Buff. I'd sleep with you anytime. You know that." At least he let me off easy, I guess. I'm sure a dozen worse replies had gone through his head.

I just made a face and pushed him away a little bit. "Okay then. I understand you sleep in your boxers, right?" Willow had told me that, of course, but I didn't want to mention her name. He nodded and I gestured to indicate his still clothed body. "So strip already."

He just looked at me with that little smile on his face. I love that smile, all the more right then because I'd been afraid I'd never see it again. I expected him to make a crack of some sort but he surprised me when he just pulled off his shirt and pants. He was already barefoot because we'd taken our shoes and socks off while we were watching the movie. So he was standing in front of me in just his boxers.

Xander in his boxers of course led to a flashback to Xander in his Speedo, which led to thoughts I'm not supposed to have about Xander in his boxers and/or Speedo. Truthfully, I don't think of Xander that way, for a whole bunch of good reasons. He's my best friend, and I love him, but not that way. I swear though, every once in awhile I have to ask myself just why I don't think of him that way. Let's just say this was one of those times and leave it at that. The boy looked good.

All of those thoughts went through my head in a second or two. I'd like to think I managed not to gape or stare, but I make no guarantees. Xander was just standing there with that cute little smirk on his face, and I wanted to say something to either wipe it off or make it a real grin, but I didn't because he looked so tired. Physically, mentally, spiritually, take your pick. He was tired and so was I and it just wasn't the time to get into it. So I just turned around and pointed him to the bathroom.

"You can brush your teeth while I change. Your toothbrush is in the spare holder." Willow and Xander both have spare toothbrushes at my place so as to accommodate the not infrequent sleepover.

He didn't even complain about not getting to watch me change, that's how tired he was. He just trudged off to the bathroom and left me to figure out what pajamas I wanted to wear.

The obvious choice was the big, safe flannels. They were even a Christmas present from Xander come to think of it, so they were a good choice for two reasons. Wearing them would let him know I liked his present and would keep me covered while I was in bed with him. But I knew they were the wrong choice for two reasons as well. It was too warm for them and I didn't want Xander to think I had to be covered up around him. He was wearing his boxers like always, so I figured I'd wear my shorts and crop-top like always.

I knew I'd made the right choice when Xander came back into my room. He didn't even give my skimpy outfit a second glance. Under other circumstances that might have annoyed me a little, but I knew it was just because he knew I trusted him. It was no big deal because me trusting him was no big deal. That felt good.

"So," he said, "I guess it's time for bed?" He was nervous. So was I, so I couldn't blame him.

"Yeah, it's time for bed."

It was a bit awkward at first, which didn't surprise either one of us. How do two best friends manage to sleep together without feeling weird? Pretty easily, I guess. After a few false moves and one unfortunate jab from my elbow that hopefully won't keep Xander from having children, we settled down. There was enough room on the bed for us to spread out at least a little bit, but I didn't want to. I reached over his body and took his left hand in my right, which won me a smile. Then I snuggled in close to him and put my head on his chest. His breath caught for a second and I was afraid I'd pushed him too far but then he snaked his arm around me and pulled me closer to him and it was okay again.

It was better than okay. I felt safe in his arms, warm, relaxed. Loved. I didn't have the words to explain that to him, or to ask him if he felt the same. All I could think to say felt so inadequate.

"Thank you Xander."

My head was on his chest so I couldn't see him. But I felt his smile. Felt it in my soul. And I knew he understood how I felt, I knew he felt the same.

"You're welcome." A pause. "Thank you Buffy."

I smiled into his chest and I knew he felt it.

"You're welcome."

And then we slept.

*******

I woke up twice during the night. The first time was because Xander woke up and moved a little. I opened my eyes just wide enough to see him in the moonlight. I watched him watching me. We'd moved apart while we slept so I was no longer lying on his chest, but we were still holding hands. That's what Xander was looking at, our hands entwined together. He just stared at them for a long time, then he smiled and went back to sleep.

The second time was right at dawn. I wake up at dawn most days, then go back to sleep. I think it must be a Slayer thing, serving notice that the vampires are out of action for another day. I watched Xander sleeping in the sunlight of the brand new day. He was still smiling, and I knew that he'd been sleeping well, that he hadn't had any nightmares at all. I moved over to rest against his chest and he tightened his arm around me without waking. I glanced up and his smile was even wider. As I put my head down on his chest and let his heartbeat lull me back to sleep, I knew that smile was one of the most wonderful gifts anyone had ever given me.

*********

When I woke up later on, the clock said it was a little after eight. I looked up to make sure Xander was still sleeping and then just lay there in his embrace. It felt good. It felt warm and safe and happy and good. It occurred to me that it was the first time I'd ever gone to sleep in a man's arms and woken up the same way.

I was surprised I didn't feel the pain thinking about Angel usually summons up. I knew it was because I was with Xander. He always said that he never felt any pain when he was with Willow. The way she cared about him drove it all away. It was pretty amazing to know that he could do the same for me. Amazing and warm and safe and happy and good.

Hopefully I could return the favor. But the thought brought me up short. I realized that I just didn't know if Xander realized how much I cared about him. How much I loved him. I guess he knew, but I'd never said the words. It's hard to tell someone that sort of thing, and the history between Xander and me made it even harder. But that was no excuse. I figured I'd just have to come right out and tell him. I resolved then and there to tell him as soon as he woke up and to make sure he always knew it from then on. It felt good to make the resolution, made me feel like a real friend or something. I was looking forward to it.

As if on cue, I felt him stirring beneath me. I moved to look up into his face as his arm left my shoulders to rub at his eyes and hair. Finally, after a long yawn, he opened his eyes and stared blurrily down at me.

"Good morning, sunshine!" I couldn't help it. I felt like Mary Poppins, I was so happy.

"Mrrgh." That actually wasn't too bad for Xander in the morning. Sometimes on our sleepovers it would take him ten or fifteen minutes to get to the point where he could vocalize. He was nothing compared to Willow, of course, but then few are.

I realized I was getting away from the whole point, which was to tell Xander as soon as he woke up. Of course, he wasn't exactly awake yet, so I had to fix that first.

"Xander, wake up." Oh yeah, that did it all right. He just squinted at me again.

"Urrgh."

"Xander!" Now I was getting exasperated. I shook him a bit and finally got some real words.

"Leggo." Well, close to real words anyway. A few more shakes got us the rest of the way. "Buffy, I know you're the Slayer and all, but if you don't let me go back to sleep I'm gonna kill you and hide the body in..."

"You know I love you, right?" I figured if I didn't cut him off we'd be there all morning. Xander's murder threats are always disturbingly well thought out, from method to disposal of the body to clean getaway. It's best to stop him before he really gets going.

My little interjection did the trick. His mouth snapped closed and his eyes popped open and he just looked at me for a second or three. He looked into my eyes and I looked into his and I knew I'd said the right thing when his eyes crinkled and his trademark goofy grin took over his face.

"Yeah, Buff, I know. I love you too."

I felt my own smile widen into the grin that Xander always says lights up the room. It felt good that he knew this one was just for him. I smiled at him for a few more seconds and then put my head back down on his chest and pulled his arm around me.

"Good thing you do, or I'd have to hurt ya." His answering laugh made my smile even wider and I wondered why the heck I hadn't told him sooner. Ah well, spilt milk and all that. I put it out of my mind. "What do you want to do today?"

He took a second to mull it over. "Well, staying in bed with the gorgeous blonde would be choice number one on my list."

"Ha. I say again, ha." I poked him in the ribs. "What do you want to do today?"

He didn't answer for a minute or so as he stretched the kinks out of his arms. Finally he looked back down at me and shrugged. "I don't know, nothing's coming to mind. Breakfast?"

I laughed. "I should have known. Okay, breakfast it is. Do you want the shower first?"

"Nah, you go ahead, let me just lie here some more."

So I got up and gathered some clothes together and went and took a shower. I wasn't gone that long, but I was still surprised that Xander hadn't fallen back asleep by the time I got out. Instead he practically jumped out of bed and headed in to take his own shower.

Instead of waiting for him I decided to head downstairs and get started on breakfast. I was thinking waffles. You can't go wrong with waffles, and I actually know how to make them, which is always a plus. I'm not the best cook, to put it mildly, so I tend to stick with what little I know.

When I got downstairs I found a note on the table. It was from Mom, of course. She'd gone in to the gallery to talk to a potential buyer, but she'd mixed up some waffle batter for us first and put it in the fridge. Have I mentioned lately how great my mother is? The note also told me to take care of Xander and give him an extra hug from her.

So when he came downstairs a few minutes later I stepped away from the waffle iron and hugged him tight. I guess I caught him by surprise because it took him a second to squeeze back.

After I let him go I said "That was from Mom."

That brought a smile to his face. "Your mom's a good hugger."

I smiled back. "Well, I've always thought so."

We didn't say much after that until the waffles were ready. We really didn't say much while we ate either. It was nice. Normally we're both chatterboxes, it was good to know we could be quiet together too.

I helped Xander wash the dishes. There weren't that many, of course, but I still made sure he knew what a sacrifice I was making. I'm not entirely sure he gave me the proper amount of appreciation for my efforts though, unless blasting someone with the spray hose is a sign of respect in his culture. Just in case it was, I made sure to return the compliment. Never let it be said that Buffy Summers can't adapt to the strange ways of foreigners and/or weirdos.

After we'd dried off we meandered into the living room and collapsed on the couch.

"Do you want to talk about Willow?"

He shook his head. "No. Not yet, okay?" His eyes were pleading. I couldn't say no.

"Okay then, something else. What do you want to talk about?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. Seen any good movies lately?"

I smiled. "Yeah, I saw that new Tom Cruise with Willow last..." I broke off as I realized what I'd said, and grinned sheepishly at him. "Sorry."

He smiled back, and there wasn't even all that much pain in it. "S'alright. How about TV? You still addicted to Days Of Our Lives?"

That brought the smile back to my face. "You know it." The look of smug superiority in his eyes got my dander up. "Hey! What's with the holier than thou eyes? Don't think I've forgotten that one time when you regaled us all with tales of your own Days addiction over lunch. Giles told me he still wakes up in a cold sweat remembering that."

His grin widened but grew a little shameful. "Well, you have to remember there were extenuating circumstances there. I mean, Satan was a recurring character that summer, fer cryin' out loud, you can't beat that with a stick. And it's all Will's fault anyway. She made me watch it, suckered me in with those big puppy-dog eyes..." Now it was his turn to break off. He chuckled, real humor laced with pain. "This isn't going to work, is it? All roads lead to Willow."

I nodded sympathetically. "I'm thinking maybe. So do you want to talk about it?"

He sighed and leaned his head back. "Yeah, I guess. It just hurts, Buff. After we got caught in the factory, it felt like my heart had been ripped out. And that was just starting to not feel so painful, me and Will were getting back to being okay, and now this. I don't know if I can do this again." He closed his eyes, and I knew he was trying to keep from crying.

I probably shouldn't have asked, not then at least. But we needed to get it all out in the open. And we both needed to know.

"You love her, don't you?"

He didn't open his eyes, he didn't move, he didn't do anything, just lay there with his head on the back of the couch. "Of course I love her. She's my Willow." He said it like I'd just asked him if the sky was blue, and I guess I had. But that's not what I meant.

"No, I mean you're *in* love with her."

"Of course I'm in love with her. She's my Willow." Same tone of voice. The sky is blue. Oh shit.

I just looked at him for the longest time. I could not get my brain to work or my mouth to open. In my defense, this was big. Very big. Huge, even. I mean, I'd always figured he was in love with her, but I never thought *he* knew it. It was the only explanation I could come up with for why everything had happened the way it had the past few years. But he knew?

Finally he opened his eyes and turned to look at me, a small, sad smile on his face. "Cat got your tongue?"

"Wha... How... WHEN?!" It was the best I could do, and to be honest I'm proud I managed that much. I took a deep breath and willed myself to calm down. "When did you fall in love with her? And why was I not informed?" I tried to play the question off as a joke, but the truth was I was hurt. This was something Xander should have been able to tell me. Or tell someone, anyway. And since I knew he'd never told Willow, I was the next choice.

His smile widened, but I could tell he wasn't really happy. Or not only happy, maybe that's what I mean. His eyes lost focus as he thought back. "When? First day of kindergarten. We were both five, I guess."

This should have floored me even more than the fact that he loved her at all, but I didn't let it. I was way too busy thinking through the implications. "That was the day you first met, wasn't it?" Willow's told me about that day several times. Gushed about it would probably be more accurate. Xander nodded without speaking, with that same bittersweet smile. "You're telling me you've been in love with Willow for over twelve years?" Nod. Smile. Silence. I swear it took all my self control not to throttle him. "And it happened the day you met her. So it was love at first sight?"

Finally he spoke. "No, of course not. Love at first sight only happens in movies, Buff. Not in real life. Love takes time, it needs to be nurtured with shared experience and trust. I didn't fall in love with Willow for at least an hour, probably two." His smile and eyes were still sad, but now they also held more than a bit of the infamous Xander mischief, famed in song and story. It was so good to see that back, even just a little, that I decided not to kill him. I tell you, if they gave out Nobel Prizes in refraining from justifiable homicide, I'd have been a shoo-in.

I twisted my mouth into the best ferocious scowl I could manage. I doubt I did a good job. I said, "So you're telling me love takes time and nurturing, but with Willow it happened in an hour or two?"

He nodded, his smile never wavering. "I suppose it usually takes longer, but this is Willow we're talking about."

I had to give him that, and I nodded absently as another thought occurred to me. "Angel told me he fell in love with me the second he saw me."

Xander shook his head. "He couldn't have." He ignored my hurt look and went on. "I'm sure he was attracted to you at first sight, but he couldn't fall in love with you until he met you and got to know you. I'm sure it took at least an hour, probably two." He turned to me and now his smile was pure mischief and love, no pain at all. "'Cause this is Buffy we're talking about."

I had to duck my head at that, but I know he saw my shy smile. I couldn't believe how good that made me feel, and I had to tell him. "You know Xander, you're a great friend and you usually say the right thing. But every once in awhile you say the absolute perfect thing. I think you must be the coolest guy who ever lived."

He nodded his head sagely. "I am in fact the coolest guy who ever lived. I've even got business cards." He made a show of checking his pockets. "Damn, I must've left them in my other pants."

I laughed at that and scooched over on the couch to rest my head on his shoulder. As he put his arm around me and pulled me tighter, I sighed. "Do you really think Angel loves me? I never thought you believed him."

I felt his chest move as he nodded. "I still doubt a lot of things about Angel, but I do believe he loves you." He didn't say anything else, though I'm sure he wanted to. He really is the coolest.

I decided it was time to change the subject back to Willow though. No sense pushing our luck. "So you've been in love with Willow since two hours after you met. How'd that happen?"

Now I felt him smile. "Do you want the long version or the Reader's Digest version?"

"Gimme the long version." Having heard Willow's side of it, I knew it would be worth it.

He was quiet for a minute, getting his thoughts together. Finally he spoke. "I'm thinking I should tell you what my life was like before I met her, but that's not easy to do. I don't remember it all that well, really. I mean I was old enough to remember and all, that's not it. But everything before Willow is kind of blurry, like there's no point to remembering if she wasn't there with me. I know I wasn't happy. My folks weren't as bad as they are now." He paused as I squeezed him tight. Calling his parents bad is the understatement of the year, and I could hear the pain in his voice when he mentioned them. But that wasn't the pain we were trying to deal with, so he just squeezed me back and went on. "They weren't that bad back then, not really. But I didn't have any friends, no real ones anyway. And no family either, except Rory. I mean, yeah, he makes up for a lot but he wasn't there all the time. So I wasn't happy. But I didn't know I wasn't happy."

I looked up at him, hoping he'd explain himself. He smiled down at me. "That's what life was like, is all. Life was being alone. I didn't know any better. Until I met Willow." His eyes went all dreamy, wistful. "It was the first day of kindergarten, like I said. I was scared as hell, Buff. I wanted to cry, but I'd already figured out that was a bad idea." He trailed off at that. I squeezed him again. It seemed to help. He shook his head clear and kept talking. "I was scared, and I knew it was gonna be horrible, but my mom was trying to convince me it was going to be okay. She even brought me to McDonald's for breakfast. She was trying really hard, but I wasn't buying. But she tried, I'll give her that."

He moved, getting more comfortable, and I moved with him, keeping myself close. He needed the support. He was quiet for a few seconds. I didn't say anything, didn't rush him. Finally, "She walked me inside to deposit me with all the other kids. It was a madhouse, Buff. The teacher was new, I guess, and she had her hands full. A few of the kids had already spilled the paint and all of them were running around screaming. Mrs. Beemer was the teacher's name, she was trying to talk to the parents and gather up the kids at the same time. It wasn't working, as you might imagine. I just stood there and hid behind my mom's leg. God, I did *not* want to go in there."

I felt him smile again. He smiled with his whole body, if that makes any sense. Which it doesn't. One second he was sad and lonely, reliving his fear from years before. The next second he was happy, as happy as he's ever been. Just like that. That's the best I can explain it. I knew what he was going to say before he said it.

"And then I saw her. The first thing I saw was her hair. I caught a flash of red and whipped my head around. I thought there was a fire or something, I really did. But it was her hair, it was the sunlight coming in through the window and hitting her hair. It was so beautiful, and for a few seconds I didn't think about anything but how pretty she looked in the sunlight. Then some kid or other knocked a pile of books over and the crash brought me back to reality and I looked at the rest of her. She was just this little tiny girl, standing there in her pretty dress and pigtails, and she looked scared. I don't think anyone else would have known that, but I did. There was no expression on her face, but I could tell just from the way her eyes darted around the room following all the other kids that she was just as scared as I was. And that made me less afraid. Knowing that someone else felt the same way I did made it easier, I guess."

I turned to look at his face and arched an eyebrow. "That seems a little deep for a five-year old, Xander." I wasn't doubting him, but I wondered if he'd thought about it too much over the years.

He laughed. "Yeah, it is. And it's not like I was thinking that at the time, I just didn't feel as scared after I saw her. I didn't wonder why. But I knew it was because of her. She still looked scared though, and I had to help her. I had to make it better. I swear, Buff, that had to be the very first time I thought about doing something to help someone else. Well, not exactly. I used to try to cheer my mom up when she'd cry. But helping a stranger? It just wasn't a big theme in the way my folks raised me, y'know? But Willow was different."

He looked down at me and I nodded. "So what did you do then?"

He smiled again, even wider. "I walked right over to her and slipped on the spilled paint. Fell and banged my head on the table she was standing next to." That got me to laughing, and he chuckled along with me for a minute. "Buffy, if that classroom was acting crazy before, you should have seen it then. Mrs. Beemer and my mom and the other parents who were still there were all fussing over me and trying to mop up the spilled paint so no one else would get hurt. I was okay, just stunned for a second, really. My eyes got all blurry for a minute though, so I couldn't see very well. That scared me. I mean, I was only five. I wanted to cry, and even if it was a bad idea I think I would have, but just then my eyes cleared and I could see again. And what do you think was the very first thing I saw?" He looked down at me expectantly.

"Willow. You opened your eyes and you saw Willow." Even if I hadn't heard the story from Will I'd have known that.

He nodded firmly. "Yup. She was kneeling next to me. My mom was holding my head and Mrs. Beemer was on one side of me, but all I could see was Willow on the other side. She still looked scared, but now it was for me. She was worried about me, worried that I was hurt." He stopped talking for a second, and I felt him swallow hard once or twice. "No one except my mom and Rory had ever worried about me like that, Buff. And she wasn't family or a grown-up even. She was my age. It felt amazing. I can't even describe what it felt like." He lapsed into silence again as he searched for the words.

"It felt like friendship." I startled him with that, and he looked down at me with a puzzled expression. I shrugged and went on. "That's how Willow always describes the first time she saw you there on the floor. She was worried you were hurt, like you said. She didn't know you but she was worried. She says it felt like friendship."

That brought a big smile to his face, and he just let it sit there for a few seconds before replying. "Yeah, that's a good way to put it. It felt like friendship. And it felt wonderful. I'd never had a friend before, Buff, not really. So I shouldn't have known what friendship felt like. But yeah, that's what it was all right. Will was always better with words." He paused again, reminiscing. His eyes went all dreamy.

"So what happened then?" I knew if I let him get lost in his Willow-memories I might not see him again for hours. Maybe not for days.

He jerked back to reality. "Well, there was much hubbub of course, until the grown-ups were convinced I wasn't going to die on them. The other kids gathered around for a minute or two, but they got bored looking at me pretty quick and started tearing the place to shreds again. Not Willow though. She stayed there right next to me, but she didn't say a word. It felt good, even better than Mom holding my head." He smiled again. "Then after a few minutes I looked up and she was gone. Scared the hell out of me for a few seconds there. I felt abandoned, even though I didn't even know her. It felt like someone had kicked me in the soul, melodramatic as that sounds. I almost started crying again." His voice trailed off, and his eyes went dreamy again and I knew I was about to lose him.

"But...?" I prompted.

He looked down at me and smiled again. "She came back just a few seconds later. She had a band-aid for me. She told me later her mom put some band-aids in her lunchbox that morning before her dad dropped her off. Practical woman, Mrs. Rosenberg. Considering how often me or Will got scraped up over the years, I guess she had to be." He chuckled. "I wasn't bleeding, so I guess I didn't actually need the band-aid. I just had a lump on my forehead the size of Nevada. But Will wanted to put the band- aid on 'cause that's what you do when you get hurt. Makes sense to me. She had some trouble with the wrapper, I remember that. She kinda had her tongue stuck out a little, like she does when she's concentrating really hard. I remember my mom started to reach for it, but then pulled her hand back. She knew Willow wanted to do it herself, I guess. And Will finally got it open and stuck it on my forehead. It was a Snoopy band-aid, which I thought was pretty darned cool."

He stopped talking, and I looked up and saw that he was crying. Just a little, but it worried me until I realized he was still smiling. These were good tears, the kind he needed. I squeezed him tight and he dried his tears and went on.

"As soon as she touched me the pain just stopped. It was gone, I swear to God. She only touched me for a second to put the band-aid on, but I didn't feel even a little bit of pain from then on. I think if I'd been older or wiser or whatever that's when I would have fallen in love with her, right that second. But I didn't understand, so it took a little longer."

"How much longer?"

"An hour or so, I don't remember exactly. After Will put the band-aid on, my mom thanked her then pulled me up and off to one side to make sure I wasn't really hurt, and to see if I was okay with her leaving. I was, I really was. I just wanted to know who the band-aid girl was. I didn't even know her name yet. Hell, we hadn't said word one to each other yet. But I needed to know who she was. And I found out a few minutes later. When everything had calmed down and the parents had gone, Mrs. Beemer got us kids settled down as best she could and started putting us to work doing whatever it is kids do in kindergarten. She sat us down in a big circle on the play-rug and had us stand up one at a time to tell everyone our names and how old we were. I ended up across the circle from Will, and that's how I learned that she was Willow Rosenberg, age five, and she learned I was Alexander Harris, also age five. I didn't want to stand up and talk, Buff, I really didn't. But Willow hadn't either so I knew it would be okay. And when I sat down she sort of smiled at me a little and it really was okay."

"Alexander Harris?" I knew the answer, but I wanted to hear him explain.

"I wasn't Xander then, not yet. She named me Xander. And that's when I fell in love with her."

"Oh, really?" This part I hadn't heard, and neither had anyone else.

"Yeah, but I didn't know it. I'm not the brightest guy in the world, I don't know if you've ever noticed that." He paused and looked over at me.

If he expected a denial, he had a long wait. "No argument here. Just remember though, you are in fact the coolest guy in the world."

He chuckled. "At least I've got that going for me, I guess."

"Yes, indeed. Now get to the falling in love part."

That got another chuckle out of him. "Anxious, are we?" I nodded and gave him my best glare. He smiled back and I rested my head on his shoulder again, convinced I'd gotten my point across. He blew out a breath before speaking. "Okay, where was I? Right, the Great Renaming. Well, after the introductions, which went a whole lot smoother than you'd expect from a pack of kids on their first ever day of real school, Mrs. Beemer assigned us seats. There were four big round tables. She put I think six kids at each of them, pretty much randomly as far as I could tell. When she was done with that, Willow and I were the only ones still standing."

He paused for a second, then snorted a laugh. "You might not know this feeling, being a cheerleader before you were a Slayer, but it felt just like it does in gym class when you're the last one picked for the team. We were standing there, and all the other kids were just looking at us. They all had seats, and they were looking at us like we didn't belong. Like we weren't part of them." He looked down at me, a sad smile twisting his mouth. "Foreshadowing, huh?"

I took his hand in mine, laced my fingers through his. "I'm sorry, Xander. It must have been horrible."

He squeezed my hand before answering. "Pretty much, yeah, but looking back it might've been the best thing that ever happened to me." I smiled at that. I knew what was coming, but I never got tired of hearing it, and I'd never heard it in his words. He caught my smile and squeezed my hand again. "Yeah, that was the start of it. Me and Will, alone together. Mrs. Beemer was embarrassed to all hell to have two leftover kids. You could see by the look in her eyes she was convinced she'd just scarred us for life or something. She sort of fluttered her hands, told us to wait a second, and almost ran out of the room."

He laughed softly. "You'd think that the other kids would have gone back to tearing the place apart as soon as she left the room, right?" He looked down at me and shook his head sadly when I gave him a nod. "This was not the case. They just kept looking at us, like we were exhibits in a museum or something. It was creeping me out, and I felt like I wanted to cry again. Being alone I could handle, I knew how to do that, but having all of them looking at me like that was terrifying. And I knew Willow felt the same way, I just knew, and that made it even worse somehow. I mean, she'd put the band-aid on me, she'd helped me when I was hurt, but I couldn't help her. It was horrible.

"And then I felt her hand in mine. I looked down and realized I'd taken her hand without even realizing it. I'd moved my hand towards her and she'd moved hers towards me and we'd met in the middle. I looked up at her and I knew she hadn't known she was doing it either. But she didn't let go, she just smiled at me, that shy little smile she gets when she's not sure what she's doing. And I smiled back at her, and it wasn't as bad anymore. It was still creepy and scary, but I wasn't alone. Oh, Buff, it made so much difference. I can't even begin to tell you how much better it felt. I wasn't alone anymore."

"And you were never alone again." I surprised him again with that, but he smiled quickly when he realized where it had come from. I nodded and said, "Yeah, that's another thing Will told me. She said after that she was never alone again."

Xander reached up to wipe away another tear. "Yeah, that's exactly right. We were never alone again. God, it felt good. It was almost a letdown when Mrs. Beemer came hurrying back in with two chairs. Mr. Johannsen, one of the janitors, was with her. He was a big guy, Big Swede the other janitors called him, I remember that. He was carrying a table almost as big as the ones in the library, no idea where they found it so fast. He set it up in the back of the room, behind the other tables, and when he left he sort of ruffled me and Will's hair, and smiled at us. Great guy, Mr. Johannsen, we always liked him. He used to let us help him after school when we were waiting for someone to come pick us up. Real nice guy."

He shook himself out of that memory and went on. "So Mrs. Beemer set up the chairs for us at our table. Like I said, it was a pretty big table, we had room to spread out, but you want to take a guess where we put our chairs?" He looked down at me expectantly.

I didn't disappoint him. "Right next to each other."

He nodded firmly. "Damn right. Just as close as your mom moved our chairs last night at dinner." He grinned at my surprise. "You thought I didn't notice that, huh?" I nodded. "Silly Slayer, Xander knows all and sees all." He threw back his head and went into his patented mad scientist laugh. "Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-OOF!"

I polished my nails, pretending I hadn't just smacked him in the stomach, and smiled sweetly at him as he rubbed the sore spot and glared at me before speaking. "Okay, Xander has to admit he didn't see that coming. You through pummeling me?"

I nodded. "You through talking about yourself in the third person?"

He put his hand to his chin. "Xander's not sure..." I raised my fist again. "Whoops, scratch that, Xander's sure." I lowered my hand and gave a satisfied nod.

"Y'know, Xander, I can't help but notice you still haven't told me about falling in love with Willow. I mean, yeah, that story is heartwarming and all, but I want to get to the real mush. Am I going to have to beat it out of you?"

That brought a smile to his face and a gleam to his eye. "Yeah, that might work." When I laughed, he said, "But that could keep us here all night, really. Okay, you want to hear about when I fell in love with our Willow?"

"Yes. Yes, I do. Spill."

"Yes, ma'am. It was an hour or so later, like I said. After Will and I got set up at our table, Mrs. Beemer had us making name tags to put on the backs of our chairs. We started with just pasting some paper together, getting them ready to write the names on. There was much paste involved, and I don't think I'm breaking any confidences when I say that a fair amount was ingested by the both of us."

"Willow ate paste?" I'd never heard that part before.

"Oh my, yes. She was quite the paste-a-holic for awhile there. Didn't completely kick the habit until third grade, I think it was. Me, I could always take it or leave it. A social paste-eater, if you will. I'd go to the cocktail parties, have some paste d'oeuvres, chat up the ladies, that sort of thing. But I controlled the paste, not the other way around. Willow, though, Will had a problem. It breaks my heart to think of her standing outside the school in the rain, jonesing for her fix. The paste-pushers would make her wait for hours, sometimes. Excuse me." He reached up and brushed away an imaginary tear. "It still gets to me, thinking about it. Finally I couldn't take it anymore, I couldn't watch her destroy herself like that. We staged an intervention, me and Will's Barbie and my teddy bear, Senor Pepe. We told her we cared about her and we were worried that she was hurting herself. She denied it at first, of course, but we kept pushing her. It was hard, and painful, but we kept it up because we knew she had to face it, knew she had to..."

"Xander," I interrupted him.

He looked down at me, startled. He gets lost in the bullshit sometimes. "Yeah, Buff?"

I smiled. "Purely out of curiosity, you understand, just how long were you planning on weaving this tawdry tale of woe?"

He blinked. "Well, we're not even half-done yet. I still haven't gotten to the painful summer she spent in the Betty Rubble Center."

I blinked right back. "You mean the Betty Ford Center?"

"No, no, no. Betty Ford is for adults. Betty Rubble is for kids." He smiled.

I gave him a blank look. "Where do you come up with this stuff?"

He took a few seconds to answer. "Y'know, I'm really not sure. Chances are we can blame Rory, though. Did he ever tell you about the time he was kidnapped by aliens and became the Beer-Drinking Champion of the Universe?"

I laughed. "No, I haven't heard that one."

"Well, next time he's in town I'll get him talking about it. It's a riot. He's got a championship belt and everything. Of course, to the ignorant eye it looks a lot like an ordinary leather belt covered in aluminum foil, but we know better." He paused for a second. "We also know we should be telling Buffy about how we fell in love with Willow, shouldn't we?"

I nodded. "We should."

"Hokay. Well, we were making name tags, like I said. I can't remember the colors, but we were pasting a rectangle onto a bigger rectangle. Our names were gonna go on the smaller rectangle. One would think that would be a fairly simple operation, right?" He looked at me. Knowing a cue when I heard one, I nodded. He went on. "One would be mistaken. You'd think it was the last push into Berlin we were trying for. We had kids getting paste in their eyes and their hair, kids pasting the paper on each other, on the floor, on Mrs. Beemer, kids crying for their mommies, kids diving behind the rubble to get away from the machine-gun fire those damned Nazis were laying down from the burned-out storefront down the road..."

He paused. "No, that last part was Berlin, not kindergarten. I think. It got pretty confused for awhile there. There might have been Nazis. I can't swear there were no Nazis."

"Illinois Nazis?" I had to ask.

"I hate Illinois Nazis. No, it would have been the ordinary, garden-variety fascist thug I'm talking about, not the Blues- hating, mid-West sub-species. In any case, we're getting off track here. Pandemonium, that's what it was. Brother against brother, a house divided shall not stand, all that fun stuff.

"Except for Will and me. We were done with our tags, well, done with the first part anyway. We were waiting patiently for Mrs. Beemer to tell us what to do next. Well, I should say Will was waiting patiently. I was fidgeting some, but at least I wasn't throwing globs of paste every which way like Larry. And of course, when I say 'we' were done with our tags, what I mean is Willow made the tags with a little help from me. She positioned the paper where she wanted it and told me to put the paste on. Like a good little Igor, I put the paste on. They came out looking pretty darned good, which shouldn't surprise you since you know Will. It took Mrs. Beemer a long, long time to get the class back to something resembling order. Me and Will, we'd finished in the first five minutes. We spent most of the rest of the time just watching everyone else. And eating a little paste here and there, of course."

"Of course."

He smiled. "Well, Mrs. Beemer still hadn't gotten things completely under control, but no one was actively trying to kill anyone else so I guess she figured it was time to move on to Phase Two."

I could hear the capital letters. "Phase Two?"

He nodded. "Phase Two. Writing our names on the tags. Lord above, if making the tags was like invading Berlin, writing names was the Airlift. Not quite as hard, but a helluva lot more complicated. We grew up with Sesame Street, most all of us knew how to spell our names at least. Even me, and my folks were never too big on the whole education thing. Not to mention Alexander isn't the easiest name for a five year old to learn. That should really be a Z in there, if you ask me, but no one did. Rory helped me with it when he was around. He always called me Alexander the Great. We used to plan my conquest of the entire known world. Rory always dreamed big. He bought me a copy of Risk so we could use the map, but he made me promise to give him Las Vegas and North Dakota when I was in charge. He even taught me how to spell Macedonia, which made me pretty much unique among my kindergarten peers. Except Willow, of course, she could spell it too." He stopped talking for awhile and just sat there, thinking. Finally I nudged him and he went on.

"So I could spell my name well enough, but I was a lousy writer. I mean, you know my handwriting now?" He looked at me and I made a face. Xander's handwriting is the terror of the Sunnydale High faculty room. He laughed. "Yeah, well, it was worse back then. It was okay for kindergarten, I guess, but I wanted the name tag to be perfect. So Willow helped me practice. She wrote her name on some scrap paper, and I'd write mine underneath it, trying to get it to look as nice. I finally got it more or less the way I wanted it, but then we ran into another problem."

He laughed again and I turned to look up at him. "What problem?"

"Well, it was two problems, really, both of them pretty much what you'd expect from five year olds. The pieces of paper we were supposed to write our names on were all the same size, of course. Which meant that Willow could write her name bigger than mine, since she had less letters to write. I didn't like that, I wanted my name to be as big as hers. And Willow didn't like the fact that my name had more letters than hers, she wanted our names to be the same."

"So you both pretty much wanted the same thing?"

He nodded. "Yeah. And, wonder of wonders, we actually realized it. Which is pretty amazing if you ask me. I said I could just use Alex, since my dad called me that most of the time. That would let me write my name big and let Willow have more letters than me, but she didn't want that. She didn't want to have more letters, she wanted us to be the same."

"Very egalitarian, our Will." He gave me a look. "What? Buffy havem heap-big vocabulary."

"If you say so. But yeah, she really always was big on being fair. She didn't want to be called Will, though I cured her of that pretty quickly, so she started looking at my name and counting letters. Alexan was ruled out quickly, thank God. Then she crossed out the A, L and E at the front of my name." He turned his head down to look at me. "I'd like to say there was a flash of light and angels singing or something like that, but no. I kinda liked the look of it, though. Let's face it, any name that starts with an X is pretty cool. It reminded me of the X-Men comics Rory would buy for me when he was in town. The problem was, we had no idea how to pronounce it. We waved our hands in the air, and when Mrs. Beemer came over I showed her the paper and asked her how to say it. She looked at both of us sort of funny, but just then two kids started fighting on the other side of the room, so she said 'Xander, I guess,' and hurried off."

He pulled me closer to him before going on. "Will just looked at me for a second, then she said 'Xander. That's you. You're Xander.' And that's when I fell in love with her, right then, right that second. And you know, I think maybe there was some angel-singing going on. Maybe a little angel, anyway." He held out his hand with his fingers about two inches apart.

I just didn't get it. "I just don't get it, Xander. That's sweet, yeah, but as far as I'm concerned the band-aid and the holding hands thing have it beat. Why was this what made you fall in love with her?"

He thought for a few seconds before answering. "I don't know, I really don't. Mostly her eyes, I think. The look in her eyes when she told me I was Xander. That's when she became my Willow and I became her Xander, when I looked into her eyes. I got lost in them, lost in her eyes, and I don't think I'll ever find my way out."

I let out a low whistle. "Not bad. That's some primo mush you got going there."

He blushed a little, but smiled. "Yeah. Will can bring out the romance novelist in me. But that's what it feels like, like I fell into her eyes and never came out."

I nodded. I could buy that. "But you didn't know it was love?"

He shrugged. "How could I know? I was five. I didn't know what love was, not really, at least not when it wasn't Mom or Rory. I knew it was important, I knew we were sharing something very important, but I didn't know it was love. I just knew that I liked Willow a lot, I knew that I trusted her and wanted to be with her. I knew we were going to be best friends. Hell, I barely knew what a friend was at that point. But I knew Willow was a friend, a best friend."

He sighed and pulled me closer, then continued. "I'd never had a friend before, Buff. Not really. If I had, maybe I'd have known that what I had with Willow was more than that. But she was my first friend, so I didn't know. And she was my only friend until Jesse moved to town in fifth grade. So for most of my life, Will was it. I knew she was my friend, of course I knew that, but I didn't know I loved her. I thought what we had was what friendship was, I thought everyone with friends was the same as Will and me. I was wrong. Maybe I should have seen it when Jesse came along, but I liked him a lot too. I wasn't as close to him as I was to Willow, and I knew she felt the same way, but if I thought about it I figured it was just because I'd known Will longer. But it turns out Jesse was 'just' my best friend, and Willow is so much more."

"What is she?"

"She's my Willow." He sighed. "When Oz first started going out with her last year, I had a little talk with him." He noticed my look, and said, "I did *not* threaten to kick his ass, if that's what you're thinking." It was, but I didn't say anything, just waited for him to go on. "I tried to tell him how important she is to me, but I don't think I did a good job. Finally I just said 'She's my Willow. Please don't hurt her.' And that's what she is, my Willow. But that's the same as saying she's my heart, or my soul, or the most important person in the world. She's all of that and more. She's my Willow." He looked at me, and I could see the fear in his eyes. "Do you understand what I mean?"

I hugged him tight, as hard as I could without breaking any of his ribs. "I do. Of course I do. She's your Willow, and you love her."

He let out the breath he'd been holding. "Yeah, I do, I love her so much."

There was one thing I still hadn't figured out. "So when did you realize you were in love with her? I mean, you fell in love with her in kindergarten, okay, I can see that, but when did you realize that's what it was."

He barked a short, bitter laugh. "End of last year, when she was in the coma." It was his turn to hug me tight. It helped ward off the chill I always get when I think about what happened then. It all went so bad, so fast...

I shook myself out of it. Not the time. "So you've been in love with her since last Spring, and you haven't said anything?"

He tensed up, all of a sudden, and I could tell the pain was back. The pain we'd avoided all day, the pain he'd joked his way around, I'd brought it back with my question. I had no idea how to make it go away again, so I just put my arms around him and pulled him close, pulled myself closer to him, and waited. Finally he gave a little shiver. "Oh, I said something all right." The pain was in his voice again, too, but it was different than the pain from the night before. Even worse, somehow. I didn't have time to think about it as he went on. "She was just lying there, and it looked like she was asleep, like she'd wake up any second. I even tried tickling her like we do when we want to get her up before she's ready. Nothing. And I got scared. God, Buff, if I ever lose her it's not going to be worth going on, y'know?" I nodded.

"So I was sitting there, talking to her, trying like hell to get her to wake up, to move, to do anything at all, and I was talking about all the reasons she had to wake up, had to get better, helping me with school, that sort of thing. And then I said it. I just said it, 'I love you.'"

He paused for a second. "But it came out different than I expected it to. I mean, of course I loved her, that was obvious, she knew I loved her. But when I said it I realized I didn't mean I loved her as my best friend, I meant I just plain loved her, was *in* love with her. And all at once I knew I'd always loved her like that, knew I was an idiot for never realizing it before. But I didn't have time to think about it, because right then is when she woke up."

He looked at me, his eyes full of tears. "She woke up and called for Oz, Buff. She heard someone tell her he loved her, and of course she thought it was Oz. Because she knew I didn't love her like that, knew I'd never loved her the way she loved me. But I did. All along I did love her the same way, I was just too damned stupid to know it. I was so stupid that she woke up and called for Oz." The tears started falling, but he got them under control faster than I liked. He needed to let them out, but I knew he wouldn't until he was ready. All I could do was ask what happened next.

"So what then?"

He snorted. "Nothing then. She was with Oz, I was with Cordelia. Honestly, it was mostly okay, it really was. She was alive again, that's what was important. And you were gone, we were all worried about you." As he said it he squeezed me tight, like he wasn't going to let me go. It felt nice. I hugged him back as he continued. "And Giles and your mom, they were both nervous wrecks, so we were worried about them too. Throw in patrolling every night and the summer pretty much flew by."

I winced, remembering the pain I'd caused everyone. "I'm sorry, Xander."

He squeezed me again. "S'okay, really. We know why you had to leave, and we're real glad you came back."

I didn't really believe him, but I made myself accept it for the moment. "Okay. So the summer went fast?"

"Yeah, it did. It really did. I mean, sure, I caught myself staring at Will a little too much, but it was easy to make myself think about something else."

"Like Cordelia?" I'm not sure why I asked.

He nodded. "Like Cordy. I do care about her, Buff, and I'm so sorry she got hurt like that. And not just the pole through the gut thing, either. She didn't deserve any of it."

I sighed. "No, I guess she didn't. Now, Harmony..."

He laughed, not much but real. "Yeah, she'd be a lot tougher to feel sorry about. But Cordy, there's a lot to like there if you look for it. She was good to me, and good for me, but she's not who I need to be with, which means I'm not who she needs either."

"Willow's who you need." It was a statement, not a question. I've known it for years. "Is that why you kissed her?"

He laughed again, more bitter this time. "Yes and no. I kissed her because I love her, yeah, but mostly I kissed her because she was so damned beautiful in that dress. I shouldn't have kissed her, I know that, I knew it then even, even while it was happening I knew I shouldn't be kissing her. She was with Oz, is with Oz I mean, and he's good for her. But when she stepped out from behind that screen, she was so damned gorgeous I forgot all about Oz, about Cordelia, all about my own name even. Even then I think I could've resisted. Or maybe not, but I could have tried. But then we started dancing, and I was holding her in my arms, and I leaned down and I kissed her, I kissed my Willow, and it felt so right. It felt like the most natural thing in the world. For about five seconds. Then we both jumped back and the Fluke-talk started. I ran away like a little girl and I thought that would be the end of it, I really did. I had every intention of making that be the end of it."

He turned his head to look me in the eyes. "And she was feeling the same way. We both knew that we couldn't kiss again, that it would be the worst possible thing we could ever do. So, of course, we ended up kissing again. And again. And again. God, it was wonderful. Wonderful and painful, but never at the same time. Whenever I wasn't with her, especially if I was with Cordy, I felt like the world's biggest asshole. I was cheating on Cordy, but even worse, I was making Will cheat on Oz. Every time I was alone I promised myself that I'd put a stop to it, that the next time I was with Willow I'd make her see reason, make her go back to Oz where she belonged. But every time, we ended up kissing. Every time it was so wonderful that I forgot to make it end. Every time, I failed her." He closed his eyes to keep back a fresh crop of tears.

"It's as much her fault as yours, Xander." I hated to see him beat himself up like that, and it really wasn't all his fault.

"I know that. My brain knows that, anyway. But I've never been one to listen to my brain. The rest of me, my gut and my heart and everything in me that I think with, the rest of me knew it was my fault. I should've been strong enough to stop us before anyone got hurt." He sighed and opened his eyes and in them I saw love mixed with the pain. "But I'll tell ya, Buff, I can't hate myself too much, not really. I don't think anyone could have been strong enough to stop kissing Willow. And I'm only human. I didn't have a chance."

His face darkened. "But neither did Cordy or Oz. God, putting that pole through her stomach was merciful compared to the pain I saw in their eyes when they found us. And Will took it even harder. Me, I'm used to screwing up, hurting the people I care about, but Will, she'd never hurt anyone like that before. So I understood when she freaked out. I didn't like it, but I understood. Or I tried to understand, maybe that's a better way to put it. I tried to understand why she wouldn't even look at me anymore, why she avoided me like the plague. I tried to understand why she went back to Oz."

"Oh, Xander..." I knew the pain he'd gone through then, I went through it myself every day with Angel. Knowing we belonged together but knowing it could never be. But at least I didn't have to look at him with someone else every day. I didn't even want to think about which must've hurt more, knowing Angel loved me but not being together, or watching Willow love someone else, so I turned back to Xander. "I'm so sorry."

He shook his head. "Don't be. She's better off with Oz, she really is. He can be what she needs, he can be better for her than me." He saw the skeptical look in my eye and went on before I could say anything. "Really, Buff, I really believe that. I love Willow, all I want is for her to be happy. And right now, at least, what she needs to be happy is Oz.

I couldn't say anything. Oz was good for her, yes, but Xander was better. But I knew he wouldn't listen, so I didn't bother. Instead, I concentrated on at least getting them back to where they'd been. "So how are we going to get you and Will back to friends again?"

He looked at me like I'd missed the point, and shook his head again. "We're not."

My head jerked up at that. "What? What are you talking about? You two are going to be friends again, Xander, you're going to get over this. You have to."

He shook his head again, more harshly this time. "No. It's over. I thought we were on our way back to being friends, and I swear that would've been enough for me, I would've made it be enough. And we were doing good, we really were, we were almost back to normal, after everything we'd been through, everything we'd put each other and everyone else through, we were almost back to being friends again. And now this. I touch her hair and she freaks out again. It's over."

I didn't understand, I didn't understand at all. "How can you say that? You're going to throw away a lifetime of friendship because she freaked out?"

"Not throw it away. I'm going to walk away. I have to."

"Why? Why do you have to?" I was getting mad. I had to hold myself back to keep from shaking him.

"Because all I do these days is hurt her. For a long time there, just me being in the same room hurt her, made her remember, made Oz uncomfortable, which hurt her even more. And we were almost over that, but I screwed it up, I pushed her further than she could go, and now it's going to be even worse. And let's say we talk it over, patch it up, whatever. All that's going to happen is we'll go through the painful phase again, get back to almost normal again, and then I'll hurt her again and we'll be back to square one."

"That's not true!"

"It is though, it really is, Buff. I can't do that to her again. I can't do that to myself again, if I have to see her in that much pain again I don't think I could stand it. So it's over. I thought we could be friends, but we can't. It's over."

I just looked at him. My anger was gone, replaced by more pain than I would've thought possible. "You mean it, you really mean it."

He looked back at me, and the tears were in his eyes again. "Yeah, I mean it."

"You can't do this." I was pleading, begging, but I knew it wasn't going to do any good.

"I have to, Buff. All I'm doing these days is hurting her. Caring about her, wanting her to care about me, even just as friends, it hurts her. I can't hurt her anymore, I just can't."

"That's it, then? You're going to walk away from Willow?" A sudden insight hit me. "That's what you meant last night, when you said you could never go home again, isn't it?"

He nodded. "Yeah, that's what I meant. Willow's always been my home, always, ever since I can remember. When I was with Willow I was home, no matter where we were. And now that's over, it's gone. I don't know what I'm going to do."

My own eyes were tearing up. "How? How can you give up on what you two have, what you mean to each other?"

"I have to. I love her, so I have to." All at once it caught up to him, and he started choking as he tried to hold back the sobs.

I pulled him to me, pulled his head to my shoulder and rocked him back and forth as he finally lost control and cried for real, sobbing the pain into my shoulder. I cried too, cried for him and cried for Willow and cried for myself for not being able to fix it. All I could do was hold him and let him know I was there for him. That's all I could do, and it felt like nothing.

Finally we stopped crying, but I still held him. He moved to get more comfortable but kept his head on my shoulder. When he spoke, I could barely hear him. "Thank you, Buffy. For everything."

I hugged him close and shook my head. "You're welcome, Xander. I just wish I could do more, help you more."

He tightened his arms around me. "You've been perfect. You've helped me so much here. I don't think I could do this without you, I don't think I could live through this without you."

That made me feel good, but the feeling went away as I thought about what he was planning. "I still don't think you should do this, Xander."

He sighed. "I have to. There's no other way, not anymore, this is the only way Willow can be happy."

"I don't believe that. And I know she doesn't believe that either, she can't believe that." I wouldn't let her believe it.

"She does, though. I saw it in her eyes before she ran away. She wants it to end too. I know her, Buff, know her better than I know myself. It's too much for her, she needs it to be over, needs the pain to stop for both of us. This is the only way."

"No matter how much it hurts the both of you?" I sat up, pulling us apart. I was getting angry again, but I didn't even try to rein myself in.

He moved, leaned back against the couch. "It'll only hurt for a little while. She'll get over it soon enough. And me, well, I can stand some more pain, I guess."

"I don't believe that, Xander. I don't accept it. I won't accept it, and I won't let it happen."

He smiled, but it was nothing but pain. "You can't make us be friends, Buff."

"No, but Willow can. She won't let this happen."

He closed his eyes, shutting out the thought. "She's already let it happen, Buffy. Just like last time, just like after we got caught." I started to say something, but he went on. "You don't think she wouldn't have been here by now if she didn't want it to end?"

That deflated me. He was right. Will and Xander had been on their way back to being friends. They'd been talking, not like they used to, but without the tension that had been between them for so long. And she'd been worrying about him again, or letting the rest of us know she was worrying about him again, that's closer to the truth. She should have tracked him down to fix this by now. But she hadn't.

I looked at him, and he nodded at the pain in my eyes. "Yeah, Buff. She wants it to end too. I saw it in her eyes. It wasn't just about me touching her hair, that was just what set her off. She can't handle it anymore, can't handle the pain, the confusion, the not knowing how to act, the worrying about what Oz thinks. She can't handle it anymore, and neither can I. It's over."

"I don't want you two to be over." I barely recognized my own voice. I sounded like a frightened little girl.

He reached over and pulled me to him, and it was my turn to rest my head on his shoulder as he rocked me back and forth. "I don't want us to be over either, Buffy, I don't. But part of me does. Part of me is tired, so tired. I just need it to end, one way or another, and this is the way it has to be. The way it has to end, and part of me is glad. It's going to hurt, but at least it'll be a different kind of pain. I don't know, I'm not making any sense. But this is how it has to be. I'm just worried about how it's going to affect the rest of you guys."

I had my arms around him before I realized I was moving, and I pulled myself closer to him, holding on tight, so tight that no one could ever pull us apart. "I don't know what's going to happen, Xander. But I'm here for you, I swear I'm here for you, and nothing's going to change that. I'm sorry I can't do more, but I'm here for you."

He leaned down and kissed the top of my head, very gently, and when he spoke I heard the tears in his voice. Different tears, happy tears. "I know you are, Buff, I know. Of course I know. I don't know what's going to happen next, but I know you're here for me. That means so much, I need you to know that. It means everything to me. I couldn't do this without you, Buff, I need you." His voice went soft and tender. "You're my Buffy."

That got me crying again, and he held me until I stopped. "I need you too, Xander, I need you so much. I hope you know that." I twisted to look up into his eyes. I had to see his answer as well as hear it.

He smiled at me through his tears. "I do know, of course I know that. And I'm here for you too, Buff, always. We can be here for each other, okay? You be my Buffy and I'll be your Xander, how's that sound?"

I nodded, new tears closing my throat until I swallowed hard. "It sounds good, it sounds like what we need." And I put my head back on his shoulder, and we both sat there holding each other for a long, long time.

Holding each other and being there for each other.

***

END 3/3

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NOTES: Okay, it's not really over, obviously. Coupla sequels coming y'all's way, hopefully soon. And as always, I promise a happy ending. So Jodie, leave Mandy-Sue alone!

In other news, I found out while writing this story that I'm even more weak-willed than I'd thought. Xander and Willow's friendship is what drew me into the fanfic thing, and the second sequel to this story is actually the first Buffy story I ever started writing. But I always told myself that I'd never write a "How Xander And Willow Met" story or a "How Xander Got His Name" story either, just 'cause other people have already done it, and damned well too. But I'm a weak, weak man, and here we are. Ah well.