Author: Pete Milan
Chapter One - Breaking Us In Two
"Don't you feel like trying something new?
Or don't you feel like breakin' out or breaking us in two?"
********
He didn't know what was worse; the fact that he'd been dumped by a vengeance demon, or the fact that he didn't care all that much.
It was a typical Friday morning in that he woke up aching and exhausted, partly because he'd taken part in a vampire brawl about five hours previously, partly because Anya had crawled into his bed about two hours after that. When he opened his eyes, she was seated on the bed, fully clothed, looking down at him.
"We Need To Talk," she said.
"Can it wait?" Xander asked, stretching his neck.
"Not really. I think we should break up."
At any other time, he might have registered shock, but he was simply too tired for that today. He just turned and blinked at her.
"Any particular reason?" he asked blearily.
"I think you'll agree that the passion has gone out of our relationship," Anya said. "We've been using one another as living mattresses. Sexual objects."
"Right, "Xander said. "That's the whole basis of our relationship."
"Well, I've decided it isn't enough. I need more."
"Uh...I'm pretty sure I can provide more."
"No, I don't think you can." She ran her fingers through his hair. "Don't get me wrong, Xander. I do adore you. You're pretty and you're very good at making love, but I feel you're emotionally distant."
"Pretty?!"
"Maybe it's your family," Anya said as though he hadn't spoken, "maybe it's the fact that this is your first mature relationship--"
"This is a mature relationship? What about Cordelia?"
"Please. Anyway, I can't wait around for you to develop strong feelings for me. Besides, abscence does make the heart grow fonder. So I've decided to leave you and start seeing other people."
"Ah." He shook his head. "You know, I'm sure I should be more upset than this."
"Yes, you should." She leaned down and kissed him. "Don't worry. It'll hit you later."
"Right," Xander said, nodding. "Um...so are you still gonna do Scooby Gang things?"
"Oh, sure. I'm up for that." She smiled and stood up. "So, I'll see you around."
"See ya," Xander mumbled, not bothering to watch as she mounted the stairs.
She was right.
He didn't get really pissed off until later that day.
***
"I ask you," he ranted, "is that how you dump someone?! Jesus, Oz had more tact than that!" He was seated in the UC Sunnydale cafeteria, stealing food from Buffy and Riley's trays. The two of them had winced in all the appropriate places as he told his tale.
"I wish I could say I didn't see this coming, but...she is a demon, Xander," Buffy said. "They're not known for their tact."
"I know, I know. It's just...I thought it was going okay." He slumped a little in his seat.
"So what are you going to do now?" Riley asked.
"Well, I..." He thought for a moment. "Huh. Good question. I mean, usually a lot of moping is involved, but...wow. I don't really want her back."
"Good," Buffy said. "Willow will be thrilled."
"Yeah," Xander said, working himself up. "Yeah, that's right! There'll be no depressive pining this time! I'm gonna turn this around!"
"Excellent! You should tell Willow all about it. Shouldn't he, Riley?" Buffy said, nudging him in the side with her elbow. Unfortunately, she got him right in the puncture wound.
"Oooof," Riley ooofed. "Uh, could you limit your surreptitious prompts to kicks under the table from now on? I'm still a little tender there."
"Oooh, sorry."
Xander hadn't noticed any of it. "I'll tell you what I'm gonna do! I'm gonna buy myself some new clothes, I'm gonna go out tonight, and I'm gonna find a new girl! Yeah! That's it! I'm an adult now! Man of the world! Got my own place and everything!"
"In your parents' basement," Riley said. "Ow!"
"Was that your foot?" Buffy asked innocently. "Sorry. Listen, Xander, maybe Willow would like to hear some of--"
"I'm gonna head out right now. Thanks for the pep talk, guys!" Smiling, Xander rose and rushed out of the cafe, leaving a dejected Buffy and a bruised Riley.
"I couldn't quite see through the subtlety there," Riley said. "Were you saying something about Willow?"
"He's gonna drive me nuts!" Buffy said. "You haven't been briefed on the whole Xander-Willow thing, have you?"
"I wasn't aware there was a thing," Riley replied.
"Okay. When I showed up, Willow had a crush on Xander. She'd been nursing it since, like, age five or something. But Xander was, oddly enough, oblivious to the whole situation. Instead, he sorta set his sights on me."
"I can't fault his taste," Riley said, smiling.
"You will. Anyway, I was...uh...unavailable. So it turned out that Xander had this bizarre chemistry with this girl named Cordelia that we went to high school with. Cordelia was...how do I describe this to someone from Iowa..."
"Rhymes with rich?" Riley asked.
"Yes, precisely. Despite that, she sort of got sucked into the Scooby Gang, and she and Xander had this...thing. They'd go into closets, and...well, I can't really discuss it with food in front of me. Anyway, Willow found out and it almost broke her heart. Luckily, she had Oz to turn to."
"The one that left. Why'd he leave again?"
"I'm getting to that. She and Oz hit it off, and eventually became boy- girl-friends, when Willow'd gotten past the whole trying-to-make-Xander-jealous thing. And Xander and Cordelia eventually became a real couple. As far as such a thing is possible."
"Riiiiight," Riley said. He could feel his temples beginning to throb.
"Sorry; I'm making this as simple as I can. Anyway, things went swimmingly until the Great Clothes Fluke of 1998."
"The Clothes Fluke."
"Of 1998. Willow and Xander were trying on clothes together for the Homecoming Dance--"
"They were trying on clothes together?!"
"They were close!"
"I guess so," Riley said, smirking.
"From what I understand, it was one of those magical-kismet-weirdness things, because they saw each other in fancy dress and ended up kissing. They claimed it was a fluke--a clothes fluke--but for the next month or so, the kissage continued."
"Ah. Forbidden love."
"Yeah," Buffy said uncomfortably. "But then Spike--Hostile 17 to you and yours--came back to town and kidnapped Willow and Xander to get Willow to do a love spell to get him back together with his girlfriend--"
"Wait, whoa. Unwrap that one for me. Vampires can have girlfriends?"
"I'm as puzzled as you. So they're in this factory, being all hostage-y, thinking that they were both going to be killed and..."
"Last chance for kissage."
"Indeed. Unfortunately, that was when Oz and Cordelia showed up to rescue them."
"Oooof," Riley said, wincing. "Awkward."
"Yyyyeah. Oz eventually forgave Willow, but Xander and Cordelia were pretty much at each other's throats for the rest of the year. They had some kind of farewell grope before she took off for L.A., but that was it. Then it was summer, and then Xander was with Anya, and then there was the Oz thing."
"Which was what?"
"Well...you remember when Professor Walsh was attacked by those two big wolf-things?"
"Yeah?" Riley asked suspiciously.
"Oz was one of them."
"What?!" Riley yelled. "Wait, whoa. You're the Slayer, Giles is a magician, Willow's a witch, Anya's a vengeance demon, and Oz was a werewolf. So, basically, what you're telling me is the most normal person you know is Xander?!"
"Hey, I'm the Slayer. I've gotten used to it by now."
"Good night," Riley said, shaking his head. "So Oz was a werewolf."
"Yeah. He locked himself up every full moon so he didn't hurt anybody. Except that this other werewolf came to town, and they sort of ended up doing it. As wolves. And Oz tried to hide it."
"As well he might," Riley said.
"Yeah, well, then the were-skank tried to kill Willow, and Oz had to kill her. Tore her throat out. He completely freaked; he left school, left town. Nobody knows where he is."
"Jeez...poor Willow. No wonder she was so angry with me."
"She was?" Buffy asked.
"When I was first trying to court you..." Buffy couldn't help smiling when he used that word... "...I tried to get some information out of her, what you liked, what you did, stuff like that. She wasn't real receptive, but she ended up helping me."
"That's my Will," Buffy said. "But now! Now is the perfect time to strike!"
"Strike?"
"Willow and Xander! Look, those two are designed for each other. I'm sure of it. Now, if I can just convince that nimrod Xander that I'm right..."
"Um...are you sure about this? Won't Willow need some convincing?"
"Well, maybe a little." Buffy frowned. "Probably more than a little." Then, just as suddenly, she brightened. "But she'll go for it! It's not like she's dating anyone else..."
"What if it doesn't work out?"
"It will. I'm sure of it. Look, Willow's my best friend, and Xander's the best guy I know that isn't you. I just want them to be happy."
***
Chapter Two - Look Sharp
"Just keep goin' your way lookin' over your shoulder."
"How do I look?"
"You're extremely dateworthy," Buffy said, nodding. Xander was wearing a new khaki shirt and navy blue pants, both of which still had price tags hanging off them. "But look, maybe you don't want to go rushing into anything. I mean, you may be in shock."
"Shock? I'm not in shock. I feel great! I'm excited!"
"Have you talked to Willow about this?"
"Who? Oh. Uh, no, haven't seen her today. Hey, if you see her, tell her to head down to the Bronze and witness me in all my masculine glory." He checked himself out in the mirror. "Power Xand. My assault on the world begins now."
"Optimism is extremely strange coming from you," Buffy remarked.
"Isn't it?" Xander grinned. "Yes, by day he toils in the dairy mines of Bucky's Fondue Hut, but by night he is..."
"Power Xand, got it," Buffy said. "Well, I have to go Adam-hunting tonight, but I'll stick my head in. That is, if I can resist the phenomenal appeal of Power Xand."
"Few women can. I'll see you guys later."
***
"...she dumped him?" Willow asked incredulously. "Oh, her ass is so kicked." She and Buffy strolled across the UC Sunnydale quad.
Buffy smiled. Ha! Passionate hatred of those who would defile her true love! She knew it!
"Well, he seems to be taking it pretty well. He's going to the Bronze tonight. Hey! I just had a completely spontaneous idea that was not at all pre- planned. Why don't you go down and see him?"
"Me? Uh...I think tonight there's this thing that I have to do."
"Tara again?" Buffy rolled her eyes. "Come on, you see her all the time. When's the last time you talked with Xander in a non-world-ending capacity?"
"It has been a while," Willow admitted, smiling shyly. "I miss him. And now, when I see him, he won't have Anya all over him!"
"It's true," Buffy said, nodding. "I've smelled him. He's washed that demon right outta his hair."
"So he's happy about it, huh?"
"He's calling himself 'Power Xand.'"
Willow laughed out loud at that. "His assault on the world begins now!" She giggled again. "It's an old joke. After I made him watch Say Anything for the eleventeenth time, he snapped. He demanded I call him 'Power Xand' for a week."
"You're so lucky," Buffy remarked. "I wish I knew more of my childhood friends. I haven't kept in touch with hardly any of them..."
***
The Bronze was steamy on this April night, partly because of the weather, partly because the place was crammed with people. From what he'd seen of the crowd, they were all warm-blooded, too. The vamps tended to avoid the Bronze, seeing as how it was still the Slayer's favorite watering hole, although it still occasionally attracted the particularly daring, stupid, or insane. At the moment, Xander wasn't concerned with that. He just wanted to dance.
"Hey!" he said to a petite blonde. "Wanna dance?" A fast tune, Smash Mouth or something, was blasting over the Bronze's speakers, but the girl heard him and nodded, smiling. A moment later, they were both jumping to the beat, if not well, at least enthusiastically.
"I'm Debbie," she yelled at him over the music.
"Xander," he replied.
"You look familiar. Are you in my Intro to English Lit class?"
"Don't think so," Xander said. "I'm not in school."
"You're not?" Debbie stopped dancing abruptly.
"Nope," Xander said, refusing to stop grooving. "Townie all the way."
"Whatever." Suddenly uninterested, Debbie turned and walked off the floor.
And damn if he didn't feel a thing. Screw it. He kept dancing. He turned around and found two girls dancing together; he slowly insinuated himself into their space and was rewarded with a couple of warm glances.
The song ended. The two girls smiled at him and strolled off the floor. "See you around," one of them said over her shoulder.
"You bet," Xander replied. He turned back to the bar and went to get a drink. As he did, he noticed Willow and an ashen-haired girl walk through the front door.
"Will!" he cried out, and walked over to them. "My sweet babboo!" He hugged her so hard, he picked her up off the ground. "How the hell are ya?"
"Um...well, once my ribs heal, I'll be swell," Willow replied, smiling ruefully. "You're looking pleased."
"I'm more than pleased. I'm free! Hi there," he said to the other girl. "I don't think we've met. Xander Harris, but you can call me Sugar Daddy."
She stifled a hooch of laughter and stuck out her hand. "Hi. I'm Tara."
"Ah, you're the mysterious Tara! Willow's been hiding you from us for too long." Xander took her hand and shook it vigorously. "Unfortunately, resistance is futile. C'mon! Let's get drinks!"
***
"Wow," Tara said. She and Willow were sitting on a couch, watching Xander dance. He was dancing as he always did, which is to say extremely badly, but with gusto. At the moment, one of the two girls he'd been dancing with before gyrated in sync with him...or as close as she could get, anyway. "So this is the famous Xander dance. You didn't do it justice."
"It does kinda have to be seen to be believed," Willow replied. She looked concerned. "Do you think he's okay?"
"He looks like he's having the time of his life."
"That's what I mean. I'm worried that he's gonna wake up tomorrow and all this euphoria will be gone."
"I don't think you need to worry," Tara said, taking Willow's hand. "He looks like he's handling it just fine." Willow leaned back on the couch, allowing Tara to stroke her hand.
"So would I be a terrible person for thinking that his relationship breaking up is a good thing?"
"Yes. A horrible, awful person," Tara said mildly. "Curse your oily hide."
"I'm serious. It's just...he and I have this whole complicated thing, you know? A connection. And I feel like we haven't talked in months, because Miss 'Ooh, Xander, Teach Me How Humans Boink' has been all over him every second of the day."
"Boink?" Tara asked.
"Boink," Willow replied. She blushed and added, grandly, "I'm a delicate flower, you know. Not given to gutter talk." They both laughed and turned back to the dance floor. "Cordelia, Anya, Faith... And that one bears repeating--Faith...he deserves better than that." ***
Xander flopped into a seat at the bar and ordered a Coke. It was a moment before he realized someone was sitting next to him.
"Hey," the girl he'd been dancing with said. Her hair was a mop of black curls, contrasting very nicely with her pale complexion. "I don't think we were introduced before you started doing...whatever that was. I'm Rafaella."
"Xander," he replied, taking her hand. "And that was the, uh, the hip new dance move. All the kids are doing it."
"Are they."
"Absolutely. I saw it on Soul Train." Long beat. "I'm a very soulful man."
That finally got a long laugh out of her.
"You're funny," she said. "Do you go to school around here?"
"Uh..." He briefly considered lying through his teeth and decided against it. Screw it. Power Xand. "No. Apparently UC Sunnydale's got some big hangup where, if you wanna go there, you either have to be intelligent or have money."
"It's a world gone mad," Rafaella replied, still smiling. "So what do you do?"
"Oh, you know, this and that," Xander said. "I'm well versed in the field of restaurant maintenance."
"Ah. Fast food joints."
"It serves my humble needs. What about you? Collegiate?"
"Yeah, I'm a Psych major. For now, anyway. I'm thinking of going into abnormal psychology."
"Well, you picked the right town for it," Xander said, his attention caught by motion from his right. Tara and Willow were sitting on one of the couches, and Tara was rubbing Willow's hand.
What was that about? He shook his head and tuned back in to what Rafaella was saying, something about mass hallucinations.
"...I mean, take that laryngitis epidemic a few months back. This place went nuts! It's amazing how the psychologically aberrant can use a natural event to fuel their psychoses. Over the course of those two days, they found something like six people who'd had their hearts cut out!"
"You don't say," Xander replied. Despite his better judgment, he peeked to his right again. Now Willow was touching the side of Tara's face and saying something. Was that...
"So listen," Rafaella said. "I'm probably going to get out of here in a few minutes; there's this party I promised a friend I'd go to. And I'd invite you, but you seem a little distracted."
"What? Me? Distracted? No. Not me. I'm focused. I'm Laser Guy."
"Well, Laser Guy, you keep focusing over to those two girls on the couch. Friends of yours?"
Xander sighed. "One of them is. She's my best friend. The other one I just met."
"Ah." Rafaella looked at them thoughtfully for a moment. "She's cute."
"Yeah, Willow's very cute."
"I didn't say which one." She smiled. "Tell you what, I'll give you my number." She scribbled some digits on a napkin. "Why don't you give me a call when you're ready to focus on something else?"
She rose and walked off, leaving Xander to stare after her.
***
"Hey," Willow said as Xander sauntered over to the couch. He sat down next to Willow. "So how are you?"
"Why does everyone keep asking me that?" Xander asked. "I actually feel really good. I'm great. I might even be swell."
"I know, but a relationship has ended here. One that lasted many, many months, and contained more than its share of passion! And it ended badly! I mean, if I went through something like that, I'd probably be gripped by some horrible depression!"
"Will? That is what happened."
"Oh. Yeah."
"Were you two dating long?" Tara asked.
"Well, I did take her to the prom." Xander shrugged. "Hey, the choice was between going stag and going with a vengeance demon. I split town for a few months after that, and when I got back, she showed up and..." He thought about the way they'd reunited and decided to edit out ths sex bits. "She wanted to pursue a relationship."
"What did you get out of it?"
"Sex," Xander replied immediately. "I'm a shallow man."
"You're not a shallow man," Willow said, slinging an arm around his shoulder. "You just have insidiously warped tastes in women."
"So everyone tells me," Xander said. He smiled at Willow warmly.
"I'll be right back," Tara said. "I have to do a bathroom thing." She got up, leaving Willow and Xander to themselves.
"So enough about me," Xander said. "How about you?"
"Me? I'm good. I actually feel better than I have in a long time."
"Is that because of Tara?"
"Because of--um...well, actually, maybe it is. It's nice to have someone I can talk about the witchy stuff with. I mean, I can talk to Buffy, but she doesn't really understand it. Like when Oz used to talk to me about the guitar..."
"Or I used to explain to you what was going on in X-Men," Xander said. "But Tara understands, huh?"
"Yeah. She's a good friend."
"Huh." Xander said. "Okay."
"What?"
"Nothing," Xander replied. And it was nothing, but when he'd seen the two of them touching, he could have sworn...
***
Chapter Three - Is She Really Going Out With Her?
"Look over there--where?--There, there's a lady that I used to know."
He'd helped save the world. He'd destroyed vampires. He'd battled zombies all by his lonesome. He'd seen everything from deranged robots to Inca mummies to Cordelia doing nice things. He honestly thought he was finally beyond surprise.
Until that day in the library.
He had nothing in particular to do that day; no prophecies of destruction, no Bucky's Fondue Hut. And no Anya. So no sex. In the past two days, he'd come to miss the sex. He missed Anya too, a little, but not too much. His only two choices were to go out or stay in and watch Sunday afternoon TV, which is why he found himself wandering around town, in search of something to do.
It was a pleasant enough morning, and he found himself strolling towards UC Sunnydale. He'd been mulling over the idea of retaking the SATs, see if he could get into school. He headed for the library; they were bound to have forms or something...
***
"Morning," he said to the young woman at the librarian desk. She looked up from the book she was reading, annoyed at the interruption. "I'm looking for information on the SATs."
"Third floor," the girl said, turning back to her book. "Education office."
"Ah." He turned away, heading for the elevator. Boy, academia sure looked like a barrel of laughs. On the third floor, he wandered around until he came across a door labeled EDUCATION. Closed. Open Monday through Friday, 9 to 5.
He muttered an epithet under his breath and turned away. So much for that cunning plan. He walked back towards the elevator, when he heard someone laugh. It was Willow's voice.
Curious, he approached the source of the noise. In the middle of some shelves, he could see Willow and Tara sitting at a table, books strewn all around them. Tara was holding Willow's hand again.
"You've got nice hands," Tara said quietly. Xander ducked behind the shelves and listened intently.
"Um...thanks," Willow said, in a voice that was pleasantly confused.
"Okay," Tara said. "I'm going to do something, and I don't want you to, like, freak out or anything, okay?"
"Okay," Willow said. Xander took a look...
As he watched, Tara took Willow's face in her hands, closed her eyes, and kissed her.
Deeply.
For a long time.
His face began to tingle. He was having a hard time breathing.
And Willow was clearly returning the kiss.
He stumbled backwards, got himself turned around, and made for the elevator as fast as he could.
***
"Did you hear something?" Tara asked, breaking the liplock. Willow didn't move, her eyes closed, her face in Tara's hands. "I thought I heard something."
"Wow," Willow said. She opened her eyes. "Wow. Wait, um, I mean...wait." She shook her head. "I don't, I..."
"You're freaking out," Tara said.
"You just kissed me! Of course I'm freaking out! You're a girl! I'm a girl! We're two girls that kissed! And I..." She closed her eyes and found herself smiling. "That was nice." She opened them again and looked at Tara sternly. "But I'm not, I mean, I'm not...I'm not," she said forcefully.
"A lesbian, you mean?" Tara asked.
"Yes. One of those. Forgot the word. I'm not a lesbian. I mean, I'm so not. At all." She paused. "I think."
"It's okay," Tara said. "It is."
"Look, um, I need to be somewhere that isn't here, all right?" She stood up and picked up her bag. "So, um, thanks. I'll see you later."
"You will?" Tara asked.
"Yeah," Willow decided. "Yeah. I just need to think."
***
It was a slack-jawed Xander that knocked on Buffy's door that afternoon.
"Xander," she said. "What's happening?"
Xander stared straight ahead for a moment, then stepped into the room and sat on the foot of Willow's bed.
"Xander?" Buffy waved a hand in front of his face. "You okay?"
"I, uh...I just saw Willow."
"Okay."
"Kissing Tara."
"Kissing Tara," Buffy deadpanned.
Xander nodded, staring at the door.
"Where did this happen?"
"The library."
"And what were you doing in the library?"
"I was looking for some forms to--" He stopped and looked at her.
"Who cares what I was doing in the library?!"
"All right, all right," Buffy said. "Look, are you sure you didn't misinterpret it? I mean, girls kiss each other goodbye and stuff all the time. It doesn't mean anything."
"Oh, really? Lemme show you something." Xander stood up, took Buffy's face in his hands, and gave a fair approximation of the Tara/Willow kiss. When he was done, he sat down, leaving Buffy to reel for a moment. "That is what they were doing."
"...Wow," Buffy said. She sat down on the bed next to him. "Well. Um. You know, that could probably be interpreted in some...innocent sort of...WOW. I gotta teach Riley to do that."
"This is all Oz's fault!" Xander shouted. "Ya hear me? This is that sonovabitch werewolf's doing. He's ruined all men for her!"
"Xander..."
"That stupid lycanthropic bastard! I'll kill him!"
"Xander!" He turned to look at her. "Look, I agree, it's a little weirding, but...what do you care, anyway?"
"What do I care?! She didn't tell me about any of this! I mean, if I all of a sudden started having feelings for guys--and I HAVEN'T--she'd be the first person I'd go to!"
"Uh huh. Is that all?"
"Well, I...we talked Friday night. And it was like we hadn't spoken in months. It just made me realize how much I miss her." He frowned. "And then I find her...and..." He looked down. "Don't tell her this, but I always kinda had it in the back of my mind that she and I would, y'know, maybe hook up."
Buffy patted him on the back. "I always figured that myself."
"But now..." Xander stood. "I gotta go. Look, don't tell her I was here, all right?"
"I don't think keeping this inside is a good idea, Xander."
"I can handle it." He smiled weakly. "Power Xand. My assault on the world yatta yatta. Just...keep quiet, okay?"
"All right," Buffy said, watching her friend leave. Damn. He was totally jealous. She hated it when she was right...
***
Chapter Four - It's Different For Girls
"What the hell is wrong with me tonight?
I can't seem to say or do the right thing...
Wanted to be sure you're feelin' right,
Wanted to be sure we want the same thing..."
*****
Her head wouldn't stop buzzing.
She sat at the Bronze, sipping iced tea from a tall glass, her head in her hands.
Tara had kissed her.
And worse--oh, so much worse--she had enjoyed it. She wasn't a lesbian--she'd told herself that over and over since the kiss--but it had been such a nice kiss. Sweet.
But guys! Guys were great, she loved guys! Look at that one! Look at his muscles! Look at his butt, for God's sake! She wasn't a lesbian.
She wasn't.
Oh, God. She lay her head down on the bar. Her parents were just getting used to the idea that she was a Wiccan. She could imagine the reaction this was going to bring. Her parents? What about her friends? What would Buffy say? What would--
"Can I talk to you?" Xander said, sitting next to Willow, scaring the hell out of her.
"AHH! I mean, hi. Hi. Hi! How are you? You wanna dance? You're looking exceptionally handsome today!"
"Uh...thanks," Xander said. "So do you. I mean, you look pretty. Beautiful, actually. Gorgeous."
"Thank you!" Willow said, a little shrilly.
"So how are you doing?"
"I'm okay! I'm fine. I am. How about you? You wanna dance? They're gonna do a slow dance soon!"
"No, I'm really not in the mood for dancing."
"Me either," Willow said miserably. Then an insane thought occured to her. "Hey...yeah, yeah, that'd work."
"What would?"
"Let's go back to my place and make hot, passionate love."
"What?!"
"I need you, Xander. I need the touch of a man. Very, very badly."
"You do?!" Xander asked excitedly.
"Yes! I do! I really do!"
"Good! Great!" Xander stood up. "Come on, let's go to my place! No roommates! Just you and..." He stopped and sat back down. "You're just freaking out, aren't you?"
"Freaking? About what? Not me. No, I'm really...uh...horny. That's it. Horny for a man."
"Will..."
"Horny for what only a man can give me."
"Will, I was there."
She blinked.
"In the library."
"...you were?" Her eyes narrowed. "Were you following us?!"
"No! I was looking for SAT forms!"
"Oh, yeah, right! You were spying!"
"I wasn't, honestly! I just heard you laughing, and the next thing I knew, I was watching you and Tara..." He shook his head. Willow lowered her head back to the bar.
"Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God," she moaned.
"So..." Xander paused. "So what, are you a lesbian now?"
"Yes, Xander, I'm a big ol' lesbian. That's what happens when you kiss one. There's no cure."
"Well, I don't know, all right?!" Xander shouted.
"You think I know?!" Willow said, sitting up. "I have no idea what's going on! All I know is, I got kissed by someone and surprise, surprise, here's Xander, overreacting!"
"I'm overreacting?! You were ready to jump my bones a second ago!"
"We're not discussing how insane I am!" Willow said, standing up. "I'm talking about you, and the fact that every time I find someone, you get all jealous!"
"Oh, now you've found someone?!" Xander said, also standing.
"Yes!" She thought. "I think. I don't know, all right?!" She sagged. "Look, can we not do this right now? I'm..."
"Freaking," Xander said. "Yeah. Look...Will, it's okay. Just take your time." He took her hand and drew her into a hug. "It's gonna be okay."
For a moment, they held on to each other like they were the only people in the world.
"Well," said a voice, "this didn't take long."
They looked up. Anya was there, staring daggers at them.
***
"Okay," Xander said, standing outside the Bronze. It was five minutes later. "I realize you're new to human emotions, but lemme fill you in...when you dump somebody, you don't get to be pissed off if they find somebody new. Not that that's what happened anyway!"
"I can't believe that we've been broken up for less than 48 hours and the next time I see you, you're...you know, I should have known you'd go crying to your precious Willow."
"Crying? Crying?! HA!" Xander grinned. "No crying, no pouting, no country music. I got over you like that." He tried to snap his fingers, remembered he'd never mastered the skill, and clapped his hands instead.
"You did not!" Anya growled.
"Oh, the hell I didn't. What did you expect, you'd walk in and find me crying in my non-alcoholic beer?"
"Well...yes."
"After you dumped me in cold blood? It doesn't work that way!"
"Well...good! Fine! Because I've moved on, too."
"Uh huh. To who?"
"A college man," Anya replied. "An educated man. A man who's going places."
"If he's bald and calls himself 'Forrest,' I wouldn't recommend it," Xander replied. "Are we done here?"
Anya rolled her eyes. "What's her problem, anyway?"
"Nothing. She's just a little freaked out."
"Oh, her study buddy finally made her intentions known, huh?"
Xander glared at her. "And what do you know about it?"
"Come on," Anya said. "You'd have to be brain-dead not to notice the looks that girl gives off. She's always got that simpering 'Oooh, Willow's so neat' look on her face."
"And you've noticed this."
"You haven't? It could trigger a diabetes attack from fifty feet!" Anya softened a little when she saw the look on his face. "I'm sorry," she said. "It's been going on for a while, even if she's just been clued in to it."
Xander peered through the Bronze's doors at Willow, who sat miserably, staring into her drink.
"I shouldn't be bothered by this," he said quietly.
"Yes," Anya murmured. "You should."
"I am."
"Maybe you ought to do something about it."
"You think?"
"Sure. It'll either go really well or explode in your face. Either way, there's entertainment value in it for me." She smiled as Xander turned to glare at her.
"You know, it's amazing we stayed together as long as we did."
"Isn't it?"
***
Chapter Five - You Can't Get What You Want (Til You Know What You Want)
"Sometimes you can't see that all you need is one thing
If it's right, you could sleep at night
But it can take some time
But at least I'm here in line..."
*****
His basement room seemed much smaller that night. The television squawked something at him, nothing he could pay enough attention to for long. He sighed and lay back on his bed. He needed more guy friends, that was his problem. He didn't have anyone to commiserate with on this kind of stuff. He wasn't close enough to Riley, and Giles was...Giles. The only guy who might know what he was talking about was Spike, for God's sake, and that was too depressing to contemplate.
He was dimly listening to whatever was on when the door knocked. Immediately, he was on his feet and up the stairs. He swung the door open.
It wasn't Willow. It was Tara. She stood there uncomfortably, squirming a little under his gaze.
"I think we need to talk," she said.
"Of course you do," Xander replied. After a moment, he sighed and ushered her in. "Take a seat. So...what?"
"I...um, this is hard. I know you're, like, her best friend, and I don't want to get between the two of you. But..." She blushed. "I'm, uh, I'm pretty sure I love her."
Xander said nothing.
"I haven't said it," Tara continued. "It's a complicated situation, you know? I mean, I've never..." She blushed deeper. "I've known my preference since forever, but I've never acted on it. I've never been able to act on it, not where I'm from...and then she came along, and...my heart just reached out to her."
Xander snorted. "'My heart just reached out to her?!'"
Tara shrugged.
"Sorry," Xander said. "Look...you freaked her out pretty good. I mean, she offered to come back here and--well, you know."
A flash of hurt passed across Tara's face. Xander saw it and felt ashamed of himself.
"My point is, she doesn't know what she wants right now. And I...I don't know what the hell I'm talking about! Two days ago, I had a girlfriend! Now, I'm all wrapped up in this, and...it's not like I was going to go straight to Willow's door and ask her out, you know!"
They were silent for a moment.
"Why not?" Tara asked.
"Well, I...we...the way things..." He frowned. "I don't know," he said finally.
"I just want her to be happy," Tara said quietly.
"Good," Xander replied. "Good."
"So I'm gonna go."
"Okay." When she was on the stairs, Xander turned to her. "Tara?"
"Yeah?"
"You hurt her, I'll kick your ass." He grinned. "Nothing personal. I have to say that to a lot of people."
Tara smiled and left, leaving Xander to lay back on his bed and stew in confusion.
***
"She loves her," Buffy deadpanned.
"Yep," Xander replied. It was Monday morning, and he was back in the UC Sunnydale cafeteria with Buffy. "It's an interesting angle, don't you think?"
"Tara loves Willow."
"This is what I'm saying."
"Do you believe her?"
"You can't fake that kind of blush, Buffy."
"Wow. Willow hasn't said a word about any of this. She's just been all skittish. So...what are you going to do now?"
"What am I supposed to do?" Xander asked. "She loves her!"
"So? Oz loved Willow and you tried to get in the middle of that."
"That was different. He was a...musician."
"You were going to say 'guy!'"
"All right, so I was," Xander said. "Look, this whole thing is too complicated already without me getting in the middle of it."
"Xander, you're already in the middle of it--"
"Well, I'm getting out of it, then. Besides, need I remind you, the last time I came between Willow and someone she loved, it ended badly. Very, very badly."
They ate silently for a moment.
"Maybe it's just a phase," Buffy said after a moment. "She's experimenting."
"Yeah. That's it. A phase."
***
Tara opened the door and brightened at the sight of Willow standing there.
"Hi," she said. "Can I come in?"
"Of course," Tara said. She closed the door behind Willow. "Um...so do you wanna go first?"
"You go ahead," Willow said.
"I'm sorry you got freaked out," Tara said. "But..." She struggled to keep her eyes on Willow's. "I'm not sorry that I did it. I'm glad I did it. I enjoyed it, and I'm pretty sure you did too."
Willow smiled and blushed. "It was a good kiss," she said quietly, and sat down on Tara's bed. "Look...this weirds me out. I can't pretend it doesn't. It's just...I mean, I've never...I like guys, Tara. Okay? I do. I spent most of my life wishing I was with Xander. Mostly because of who he is on the inside, but part of it was because he's handsome...actually, he's gorgeous when he doesn't concentrate on it so hard...and Oz, in bed, he did this thing with his tongue that--" She shook her head. "That's off the subject. I'm generally not attracted to women, is the point I'm trying to make."
"Okay," Tara said.
"But I think I am attracted to you."
Tara's face split into a wide smile.
"It's just so weird..." Willow said.
"I know," Tara replied. "I know."
"Could you sit down?" Willow said, patting a spot on the bed next to her. Tara sat, facing her. Willow took a deep breath and leaned towards her.
This time, the kiss had more urgency, more fire to it. Willow found her hands seeking out Tara's, grasping them, enjoying the contact. After a moment, they came apart.
"Wow," Tara said. "It's even better when you help."
They giggled for a moment; then Willow stood up.
"I need to go," she said.
"Please don't," Tara replied.
"It's okay," Willow said. "I'll be back. I just..." She trailed off.
"You're going to him," Tara said. It was said without emotion, a statement of fact.
"Yes. I need to find out one thing."
"I'll be waiting," Tara said, taking her hand and kissing it.
***
Chapter Six - Be My Number Two
"I know that it's really not fair of me, But my heart's seen too much action..."
******
The sun was just setting when she found him. He was sitting outside at one of the coffeehouses, slugging down the last of a mocchaccino. He looked at her warily as she approached, as if he was afraid she might hit him.
"Hey," Xander said guardedly.
"Hi," Willow said, a little out of breath. "I've been looking all over for you."
"Oh, well, you know my busy schedule, sell some fried things, wander around aimlessly...most days it's a blur." He nodded his head towards a duffel bag on the ground by his feet. "Actually, I'm doing a little patrolling tonight. Thought I'd better caffeine up."
"Ah. So. How ya doin'?"
"I think the more important question is, how you doin'." Xander peered at her from over the top of his coffee mug. "You're kinda glowy."
"That's what I need to talk to you about," Willow said. "I went to see Tara today."
"Uh huh."
"And we kissed."
"Uh huh."
"And it's really good."
"...Ah." Xander did his best impression of a man whose heart wasn't shattering into a million jagged pieces.
"But here's the thing..." Willow reached across the table and took his hand. "I can't decide what I should do just yet."
"...Why not?" Xander asked warily.
"I need to hear it from you."
Xander gently pulled his hand away.
"Uh...I need to go on patrol." He hastily stood up and walked away, grabbing his bag as he went. Willow followed in hot pursuit.
"Xander..."
"Vampires. Evil. Gotta go, you know, slay 'em. Or something."
Willow circled around him, blocking his path.
"Oh, sure, vampire attack. Well, that old excuse isn't gonna work this time, Alexander Harris! We need to work this out!"
"Look, I can't do this right now, all right?" Xander dodged her and kept walking, talking over his shoulder. "I just broke up with somebody, I just found out my best friend is experimenting with her sexuality, I'm way too screwed up to make any kind of decision about anything!" He turned towards her. "She came to see me, you know. Tara."
"She did?" Willow asked, surprised.
"Yeah." Xander shrugged. "I like her. It takes guts to do a thing like that. So...I don't know, enjoy each other. You'll make a cute couple." He turned away again, trying to get away.
"Is that all?" Willow said. "That's all you have to say?"
"Yes!"
"I don't believe that! After all that's gone on, I don't believe that's all you have to say!"
"Well, tough!" Xander shouted.
"If it doesn't bother you, why are you running? Why are you so angry?"
"Maybe I'm just a weird bastard, all right?!" Xander quickened his pace, trying to escape. He was prevented by the street corner; the traffic was against him.
"So what did you two talk about?" Willow asked after a moment.
"Nothing," Xander said. "We just got a couple of things straight...you should excuse the expression."
"That's not funny."
"Yeah, but what else is new--"
"Will you just tell me what did you two talk about?!"
"Look, we just figured out that...that we both want you to be happy. That's all."
"Is that what you want?"
The lights changed and Xander charged across the street, Willow in hot pursuit.
"Will you answer me?!" Willow yelled. "Just tell me! Tell me what you want!"
Xander sighed and turned to her.
"I want you to be happy. Okay? That's all. That's it."
"No. No, that's what you think I want to hear. Listen to me, Xander, I want to know what you want." She reached out and grabbed his hands.
"Don't run."
"Don't do this, Will."
"I won't let you go, Xander."
"Will--"
"Just tell me," Willow whispered. "Please, please, just tell me, I need to know."
"I--"
"Just tell me."
Before he realized what he was doing, he had leaned down and was fiercely kissing her. His hands moved around her back; she held on to him tight, all the fire in the world in that one kiss. He could feel her pressed against him, feel her spirit flowing through him, as though she was a part of him--and that was true, wasn't it? She was a part of him. She always would be.
Finally, finally, they stopped and stared at one another, flushed, shivering.
"I want you," Xander said. "That's it. All I want is you."
"Thank you," Willow whispered.
"Wow." Xander smiled. "Wow, have I missed that."
Willow smiled shyly and took his hand. They started walking again, both a little dazed.
"Well," Xander asked. "We know how to kiss. I know what I want, Tara knows what she wants...so what about you? What do we do now?"
"I don't know," Willow said. "I just need to think...I need to figure this out."
They walked in silence for a long moment.
"Um...this may very well be the stupidest thing I've ever said...and consider the source...but I think maybe you should be with Tara right now."
She turned and stared at him.
"What?"
"Gimme a second before you interrupt, okay?" Xander asked. "I don't get selfless very often. I don't know how long this is gonna last. Okay." He took a deep breath. "I want to be with you. But...I don't want you to be wondering 'what if' for the rest of your life, you know? Maybe this thing with Tara is something you need to go through."
"It's not a visit to the dentist, Xander."
"I know, I know. But you two...I've seen you together. You've got a connection right now, and maybe you need to explore it." Xander shook his head. "And I know I'm gonna hate myself in the morning, and I'm probably going to be a jealous pain in the ass about this, but...she's good for you right now. Better than I could be, I think."
"I can't do that," Willow said. "I can't just...I can't do that to you! Not after...how can you ask me to do that?"
"Because I've seen the way you look at her," Xander said.
He looked at her and saw that tears were seeping from the corners of her eyes.
"I can't believe you're telling me this," she said.
"Yeah, I'm kinda surprised about it myself. But, Will...can you look at me and tell me that I'm the only person you want to be with?"
Her tears flowed with greater strength now. Xander moved to wipe one of them away.
"Don't cry," he said softly. "C'mon, Will, don't cry."
"I can't help it," she said, sniffling. She looked up into his eyes, her face a mask of misery. "You're right. Everything you say is right, and I can't help it."
She embraced him again, holding onto him tightly.
"I love you," she whispered.
"I love you too," Xander replied. He realized it was the first time he'd ever said it to her--while she was awake, that is. "It's gonna be okay."
"I know," Willow said. He held her, breathing deep her scent, enjoying the feeling of her pressed against him. Then, slowly, they released one another.
"So we're cool," Xander said.
"Yeah," Willow said, wiping her eyes. "We'll just...we'll figure it out."
"Okay." They walked along for a moment. "So I kiss better than Tara, right?"
"Xander!"
"I'm just asking."