Icicles

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******

Sunnydale never changes. Pretty much every day, every night, every month, every year it remains the same. Though I have to admit, there are days when it seems far more different than it is. At least until you realize you've been looking through the eyes of hope.

The other day, for example, I was at the mall when I saw a fairly tall man with dark hair and eyes. He walked with a kind of loping gait and had an impish smile on his face. My heart sped up, hope filled my chest and I strode toward him with a purpose I haven't felt for a long time.

Then I got closer and I saw I was wrong.

He wasn't Xander.

He wasn't the man I'd been looking for since the day we graduated from high school, defeated the Mayor, and destroyed Sunnydale High in a giant pile of rubble. That was the night that Xander disappeared.

He'd been talking about going on the road like Kerouac, living the Bohemian lifestyle, but I don't think any of us really expected him to do it. Of course, I don't think any of us really knew how useless and left out Xander felt.

I know I didn't know.

And I'm supposed to be his best friend.

I got a card from him at Christmas, roughly six months after he'd gone. It was postmarked Las Vegas and I'm sorry to say the first thought I had in my mind was that he'd given up Kerouac for Hunter S. Thompson. I opened the card and it had a picture of Snoopy on it.

Inside the "Merry Christmas" had been scratched out and he'd written in "Happy Hanukkah." It wasn't signed, there was no note, but I knew who it was. I'd always know.

For my birthday I got another card. This time the message was replaced with "Mazel Tov". The postmark was Key Largo, Florida and I remembered watching old Bogart movies with him late at night when there was nothing else on TV.

It wasn't until almost a year from the day he disappeared that his mother brought over the package. It was sealed and had my name on the top of it. It was my graduation present that she'd forgotten to deliver. I thanked her and took it to my room, hoping that there was something inside that would put all my questions to rest.

"Willow,

If you're reading this, my Mom actually did something I asked and delivered it to you. I'm gone now, and I'm sure that you're wondering how I'm doing and where I'm going and what I hope to accomplish by all of this.

Ever since the day Buffy sent Angel to hell, I've been living a lie. I never told her you were trying the spell again. And my anger at Buffy was misdirected anger at myself. You got caught in the crossfire some of the time, and I'm sorry about that. I'd like to think I'd never intentionally hurt you, but that's not the case or the truth, is it Will?

If I told you why I was leaving you'd convince me to stay and I'd never do what I need to do. You're staying because you want to fight the good fight. You want to fight at Buffy's side and lay waste to lots of evil. I'm so proud of you, Willow. I'm glad you found the strength inside you.

And you're staying because of Oz. Even though we've grown apart because of the thing between us, I know you well enough to know that you love him. That you love him enough.

I really thought it would be me. Maybe because I really hoped I'd be worthy of you.

I'll miss you, Willow. More than anyone. More than anything.

I love you.

Xander."

I cried as I tore the paper from the box, wondering what gift he thought he could give me that would make up for the horrible emptiness inside me now. What could possibly replace my other half, my best friend, my heart?

I lifted the lid and started laughing. Inside the box, carefully reassembled with tape and string and love was the Barbie he'd stolen from me all those years ago. I'd kept the pieces I'd gotten back from him and he must have come in one day and taken them. She was dressed in a red and white shirt and a pair of red overalls. He'd found a little backpack similar to my own and hooked it over her shoulders.

It could never replace him, but it made the hurt a little easier to bear.

******

I shouldn't dwell on the past. He's been gone for ten years now. The cards stopped coming after the second year and I eventually stopped asking everyone if they'd heard from him at all. They would all look at me like I was crazy for not knowing. If there was anyone he would keep in touch with, it would be me.

I assume he's dead. Killed by some vampire or other creature of the night. Maybe by some drunk driver or robber simply because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I'm still here in Sunnydale, fighting the good fight alongside Giles.

Buffy's gone.

And Oz moved on.

But we're still here, alongside the new Slayer and Watcher. Not helping the way we used to, but doing our part. Giles is growing older, but he can still research like no one else. He's become a father to me, listening to my grief, sharing his. Buffy's death took something out of him that no one can replace.

I know the feeling. Twice over.

It's because of Giles that I'm in the mall today. Christmas is coming and I want to find something nice for him. Not that I expect to find anything fitting for Giles in the mall, but this is Sunnydale, so you never know.

Some girls run past me, shrieking in delight about a sudden snowfall that is coating the streets of town in a silvery white blanket.

It hasn't snowed in Sunnydale since Buffy and Angel were around.

The memories overwhelm me and I have to leave. I don't want to cry in front of all these people. I make my way to my car and head back to the house I used to share with my parents. They're gone now too, and it's hard sometimes to live with all the memories. But I wouldn't know how to function without them.

By the time I pull into the driveway, there is at least a foot of snow on the ground and the sky is filled with flakes. It's almost impossible to see more than an inch in front of me as I walk up the steps to my house.

And he's there.

He looks exactly like I pictured he would, when I allowed myself hope that he was alive. His dark hair is a little longer, a little shaggier. His brown eyes are still alight with humor, although there are lines of sorrow surrounding them as well. His goatee is something different, but makes him no less handsome. His body is still loose and a little gangly, but he's grown into it nicely. And he's lean and fit.

"Hey, Wills."

"Xander."

"Happy Hanukkah."

"It doesn't start for another couple of days."

He nods, his eyes never leaving mine. Holding out his hand, he extends a small box. "I brought you a present."

I take it, opening it in the cold December air. It's a necklace. A small diamond on a simple gold chain. "It's beautiful Xander. But I can't accept it."

"Husband?"

"No."

"Boyfriend?"

"No."

"Girlfriend?" He smiles at the last one, raising his eyes lecherously.

"No. Just…just me."

"I missed you Wills."

I nod, unable to trust my voice as I push past him and unlock the door. It's dark out, so I don't invite him in. He may be Xander, but it doesn't mean he won't kill me.

He follows me and I feel my heart start to beat again. "Where did you go?"

"Everywhere."

"Did you find what you were looking for?"

"Yeah. Some of it. How is Sunnydale?"

"Buffy's gone. Oz is in LA. Angel and Cordelia left after graduation too. Giles is still here. Our parents are both gone." I grab the pillow off the couch and throw it directly into his face. "How dare you!" I'm shouting all of a sudden and I don't care. "How dare you leave me and forget about me! How dare you!" I break down in tears for the first time since Buffy's funeral, for the second time since I received his gift so long ago.

"I didn't forget you Willow. I could never do that."

"Right. It's so obvious from the fact that I haven't heard from you in eight years. Eight years, Xander. Was it too much to write? To call?"

"Yes."

"Fine. Go away. Pretend it's still too much."

"I had to figure things out, Willow. And I couldn't come home until I did. I love you. I loved you then and I love you now. And we keep getting it wrong, because when I love you, you're in love with someone else."

"What?" I knew he meant Oz, but there was something else in his voice.

"I asked someone about you and they said you were seeing someone. You were practically living with him."

I burst out laughing at the absurdity of it all. "G…Giles," I sputter. "I spend my time with Giles. And as much as I love him, I'm not in love with him, Xander."

His face lightened for a moment before it grew serious. "I'm home for good, Willow. And I know it's asking a lot, but I was wondering if you think we have a chance. If you think I could win your heart again. Or if I'm just wasting my time trying to be anything other than your friend."

I want to rush at him and wrap him in my arms, hold him to my heart and take him to my bed. I want to do all the things I've dreamed about since I was a little girl.

But I don't want to be hurt.

"I don't know, Xander. I wish I did." I sit down on the couch, suddenly conscious of the fact we're both still standing. "Ten years is a long time. Things change, people change. I'm not the same girl you knew in high school."

"Are you the same girl I've known all my life?" He asks it like it's a different question and I suppose it is.

"Maybe."

"Then is it okay if I try to make you love me again? To trust me again?"

"Do you have a place to stay?"

"I thought I'd go see Giles, see if I could crash with him until I find a place of my own."

I nod and stand, grabbing my coat. "Come on. He'll be happy to see you."

"Are you, Willow? Happy to see me, that is."

The look of need and wanting in his brown eyes starts to melt the icicles around my heart. "Maybe a little."

"That's a start."