E-mail: brainysmurf16@hotmail.com
Summary: Home for the Holidays, Willow reminises, and makes a decision that will change her relationship with Xander forever.
Disclaimer: I don’t own them. I just use them for my own amusement from time to time.
Rating: G for this part
Distribution: Just ask I’m easy. THAT came out wrong!
Spoilers: Just general season 4/5
Feedback: No, I don’t want ANY! (Please note the sarcasm in that statement)
*******
Willow Rosenburg walked slowly up the driveway to her home. Home. That was a funny word. A word that Willow had learned didn’t necessarily mean a place. To her, the house where she had grown up was empty. She didn’t look back on it with any particular fondness, just a cold feeling in the pit of her stomach. She inserted her key and opened the door, shutting it behind her and walking down the hall towards the stairs.
On her way, she glanced at the photographs lining the walls. The majority of the pictures were of she and Xander. In the bathtub when they were toddlers. In a kiddie pool when they were five. The eight grade Cotillion.
Then she came to the family portrait. She ran her hands over the cool glass, remembering how Xander had cried when her mother told him he couldn’t be in it. They were nine years old, and as far as they were concerned, they were each other’s family. After insistent begging by both parties Willow’s parents had given in and let him take a picture. The alternate version hung beside the original, featuring a suit clad Xander with his hands on Willow’s shoulder’s wearing a gleaming smile. These were the memories of Childhood that made Willow smile. For a long time, Xander was all she had known. As far back as she could remember, even before she knew what love meant, she had loved Xander Harris. He was her everything. Her best friend. She made her way to her room and wearily dropped her bags. Her mother had called from Kenya, yet another Shelia Rosenburg physcology thesis adventure, and asked Willow if she could house sit for a few days because of the reported “rash of robberies” she had heard about. All these years and her mom still didn’t realize the major contributing factor of Sunnydale’s high crime rate. But she had agreed. It was winter break and she was just hanging around the dorm.
Tara had gone home for the Holidays, and Buffy had taken a rare vacation from slaying to visit her dad for Christmas. Even Giles was gone. He had left for England a few weeks back to visit his mother and, though he refused to admit it, Olivia. Xander was home, but he was with Anya for the most part. He had invited her to his apartment Christmas Eve for a good old Charlie Brown Christmas, but it lacked something with Anya commenting on how Lucy would make a wonderful vengeance demon when she grew up. She loved the football bit. Even the Snoopy Dance couldn’t save the evening and she eventually retreated to the solitude of the dorms. But now here she was. Her street, her house, her room. Her memories.
Memories were something of a paradox with Willow. Every time she dove into the corridors of her mind, the wrong sort of memories would pop up. Not those of happy childhood days or summers spent at the beach. They were memories of isolation. Memories of loneliness, abandonment, and pain. While she put on a good show, Willow hadn’t completely left her outcast days behind her. Occasionally they would resurface, bringing with them all the pain and sorrow she tried so desperately to hide. She had a good life now. She really had no complaints. It was just the past that gave her problems. Resolving not to dwell on it, she made her way downstairs to the kitchen. Looking at the bare shelves and refrigerator, she made her way out the door towards the Supermarket.
******
Part 2
Willow walked to the counter of the supermarket with her purchases and, stopping to look at a magazine cover, collided with a broad chested young man.
“Oh, I’m sorry! I wasn’t paying attention, I’m really sorry . . .” Willow babbled.
“It’s Ok, Wills.”
“Xander!” Looking up Willow met the chocolate eyes of her best friend. “Hey! What are you doing here?”
“Shopping,” he replied. Overly slow.
“Oh, well, that makes sense. Hey where’s Anya?”
“An Alaskan cruise.”
“Very funny, Xander!” She replied as the cashier checked out her purchases. “Where is she? At the magic shop? I’ve been meaning to stop by and make sure everything's still locked up, but . . .”
“No, Will, really. Anya’s on an Alaskan cruise.”
“You were planning to explain that right?” Willow grabbed her change as Xander began to load his things on the counter.
“Well, ya know how she’s always entering those sweepstakes right? She finally won one. Some kind of raffle for new American citizen’s.”
“Once again with the explanation,” Willow said as he finished paying for her groceries and they headed to the door.
“Oh, yeah! A few months back I took her to the Immigration office, and she applied for American citizen ship. Her last names DerVener. She’s Swedish,” he said with a puzzling amount of pride.
“Anya was Swedish?”
“No, some kind of Irish-German thing originally. But I’ve always wanted a Sweedish girlfriend. She has a milkmaid costume and I got this little blond wig with braids . . .”
“Know when to stop Xander!”
“Sorry, Wills. Hey you want a ride home? Giles let me use his car while he’s gone.”
“Giles gave YOU his car?”
“I take offense to that. But I do see your point.”
They got in the car and Xander headed toward Willow’s house. “ So anyway we made up a last name, she took a test, and voila, she’s a citizen. And now she’s on a cruise. While I’m in Sunnydale.”
“Aww, Xander, it’ll be ok! Besides, Buffy’s coming home in 5 days or so. And all the hell-mouthy things have been really slow lately! Tara and I cast this spell, and it’s sort of like a protective bubble thinging around the town. The vamps get really lethargic, and all they want to do is eat and sleep. But not many of them have the energy for the eating. So it’s pretty much just the sleep. Which, if I had said earlier, would’ve saved a lot of time.”
“Yeah, probably. Hey, why don’t we just keep this spell on the good ole hellmouth? Seems PRETTY handy.”
“Well, it only lasts for a week at a time. And you can’t cast it more than three times in the same place or it affects the humans too.”
“Not seeing the downside.”
“Well, some people may prefer to be active once and awhile.”
“Yeah, see your point.” He stopped the car in front of her house, and got out to help her with her bags.
“Hey, how did you know I was home?”
“Oh, I went by your dorm to see if you wanted to do something. But you weren’t there. So I listened to your messages, saw the open closet, put two and two together. . .”
“You listened to my messages! And, hey, mister, that key is for emergencies only!”
“Well, this is. I was bored. By the way nice bed. Notice I say BED. Singular.”
“XANDER!”
“Hey, guy here!”
“Drop it!”
“OK. Hey is that food for Dinner?”
“Yes.”
“So you’ll be cooking that. And making it edible. And eating it in your warm cozy house?”
“Xander, you can stay.”
“Thank you!”
********
Part 2
Xander walked on the Rosenburg’s front door to be greeted by the pleasant smell of homemade food. A very rare smell to Xander. He looked through the archway that led to the kitchen and saw Willow trying to reach a box from the upper most cabinet. He walked up behind her and grabbed the box. For a moment, his world stood still as he pressed close to her. All those familiar more-than-friendly-for-Willow-feelings came back as he smelled her shampoo and brushed the soft skin of her arm. *Where’d THAT come from?* Still feeling a little light headed, he realized that she was talking to him.
“Hey! Thanks! So what videos did you get?”
“Children of the Corn 1, 2, and 3!” He proclaimed proudly, holding up the cases.
“Xander! You know those movies scare me! I get all awkward, and shaky, and I just wanna hide my face. Sometimes I do, but then if people are around they tend to laugh.”
“Will? Back to the world where the last of us live! I still don’t see how those movies frighten you. We’ve seen worse. In real life.”
“It’s those kids! They’re just ... creepy. They have frog skin. Hey, dinner’s almost ready, go set the table.”
Xander reached into the cabinet for the plates, and headed for the dinning room. Looking through to the kitchen, he saw Willow in her apron, tasting a sauce, and generally looking very domestic. *When did we grow up?* Xander wondered to himself. But before his silent musings got too deep Willow announced that dinner was ready and went into the kitchen to make himself useful.
Dinner was punctuated with long stretches of awkward silence. Staring at Willow through the candlelight, Xander wondered how he had let their friendship fall so far away from the unbreakable bond they had once shared. Since childhood, she had been his home, his comfort, his savior. She had loved him, even when he didn’t deserve it and the entire world was against him, she had stood by his side. She had completed him. Now things were different. Strange. They no longer had the connection they used too. Xander missed that. With a wistful smile, he went back to his dinner, occasionally sneaking sidelong glances at his best friend.
*******
Willow stared at her chicken, wondering why she couldn't think of anything to say. This was Xander. Xander. He was her oldest friend. All the meaningless conversations they had shared over the years, and now there was nothing to say. Things had changed. So fast, so drastically, that Willow was just beginning to realize it had happened. They had grown apart. As much as she hated to admit it, it had started with Buffy. She loved Buffy, her life was better because of her, but she had acted at the wedge that began to drive her and Xander apart. For the first time in her life, Willow had a girlfriend. Xander and Jesse were great, but they just didn't appreciate the subtle nuances of a good makeover. Willow and Buffy had grown closer, and Xander had started slowly drifting away. The fact Xander had become completely infatuated with Buffy didn't help matters any, though. That to had passed eventually. Buffy was just another girl Willow had to watch Xander lust after, while he ignored her. She had been so in love with him. Blindly following him where ever he went. Then came Oz. And then Cordelia. That had been the ultimate betrayal. She had thought he could never hurt her more, and she knew she could never love him like she once had.
But, she had loved him again. She had loved him and almost lost Oz. And he had betrayed her again. This one was so much worse than the last time. He had slept with Faith, and Willow had her heart broken. Even though she was with Oz, and loved him, she had still thought, on some level, that one day they would be together. That dream of Xander being her first, her only. But now, all that was over. They were such different people from who they used to be, such different people from who either imagined they ever would be. He was dating a demon, for goddess sake. And she, timid, mousy, Willow Rosenburg, was a Wicca. And a Lesbian. Well, a semi-lesbian. She didn't really know WHAT she was, but she did love Tara. They were different people. Willow just wished that they could still be different people together. Sighing, Willow noticed she was not the only one picking at her food in silence and got up to clear the dishes.
Xander helped her clean up, then headed to the living room to put in the video.
“Coming Wills?”
“I’ll be right there,” Willow sighed, put the last plate in the sink, and headed to the living room to play make believe with a man she no longer knew.
******
Part 4
“No, see I think that these movies are masterpieces of modern cinema, Wills, you just have to learn to appreciate them!”
“Xander they are not! Ok, that one guy in the third one was kinda cute, but over all? No plot, No point, No redeeming social value!” Willow sighed, exasperated. Why was it she could never win an argument with him? Xander smiled, his dimples answering her question.
“Wi-lllll-owwww,” he said in his sing-song “puppy dog” voice. “You KNOW they weren’t that bad!”
“Ok, they had a couple of good moments! You didn’t rent anything else?”
“Actually I did,” Xander said with an odd smile on his face. “But, you have to go get comfortable first!”
“What do you mean comfortable?”
“You know, pajamas, teddy bear, the works.”
“I don’t have a teddy bear!”
“Willow?”
“Ok, but I don’t SLEEP with it anymore. Ok, sometimes, but only when I’m scared!”
Laughing, Xander watched her take the stairs to her room. He took a deep breath, prayed that what he had planed would work out as he hoped, and headed to the downstairs bathroom to change.
*******
“I’m here, in all my slacker goodness! Teddy and all!” Willow announced as she descended the stairs. “What. . . .” her question trailed off into a fit of giggles as she took in the site before her. Xander, large man sized Xander, in snoopy footy pajamas. He sat in the middle of the floor a sheepish grin on his face, trying desperately not to let the blush that was starting behind his ears spread.
“WHERE did you get those? Those are almost identical to the ones you had when we were little!”
“Yeah, I saw them in a costume shop of all places. Apparently part of a mental patient/psycho killer ensemble, but, hey, they work either way. I saw it on my way to the video store and couldn’t resist.
“But WHY do you have them on?”
“Uh, uh , uh, all in good time, my pajama clad friend! First, the main attraction, then the explanations!” Xander stood to push the play button on the VCR, sending Willow into another fit of giggles.
“THERE’S A TRAP DOOR!!!” She choked out between giggles.
Blushing, Xander quickly took a seat beside her on the sofa, and waited for her reaction to what was about to happen. As the opening scenes to A Snoopy Christmas came on, he watched her face light up with a light he hadn’t seen in a long time. Turning towards him, she smiled, a real smile, the kind that could only come from her. Bright, shining, and most importantly, reaching her eyes. He hadn’t seen Willow really smile for much too long.
“Xander, why? We already watched it this year, when it came on TV.”
“No, we didn’t. We sat on a sofa with Anya between us and both pretended to enjoy it. I wanted us to really watch it. Just like we used too. In our pajamas, you with Mr. Bojangles, having fun. Being best friends. Although I must admit, your sleep attire has changed a bit since then,” he said motioning to her green silk pajamas.
“Oh, Hanukah present from Buffy. Xander I can’t believe you did all this!”
“All what? Wills, the best is yet to come! Don’t tell me you thought we’d have a good old fashioned Snoopy Christmas with out the dance!” With that, Xander preceded to do his dance, which was going rather good until he fell backward over the coffee table.
“Xander! Are you alright? Oh, come on, come in the kitchen!” Willow frantically ran around looking for supplies while Xander held the gash on his head.
“Oh, the first aid kit’s in my bathroom, stay here, I’ll go get it!”
“No, it’s ok, I can walk, really,” Xander stumbled to his feet and slowly made his way up the stairs will Willow trying vainly to support him.
“Here, sit down, don’t move!” She helped him to the edge of the bed, and hurried to her bathroom. “Ok, here we go,” she announced, emerging from the bathroom with perhaps the largest first aid kit ever manufactured.
“Wills, have you been buying in bulk again?” Xander grimaced as he tried to smile.
“Shut up and sit still!” she commanded, resolve face firmly in place. She positioned herself between his knees and started taking out supplies. “I bought towards the middle of senior year, just in case one of us ran across a nasty icky monster of the hurting variety.”
“Will, their monsters, they’re all of the hurting variety.”
“You know what I meant, sit still!” She dabbed a salve on his cut, and started taping a bandage across it. “There. Oh, Xander, this really has been an old fashioned Snoopy Christmas, you hurt yourself and everything,” she said as she ran her hands over his face.
“Yep, that it has been,” he gasped trying to sound anything but the way he felt. Looking down on her beautiful face, her soft hands touching his heated flesh, he felt as if he were about to explode. “Wills, maybe you shouldn’t . . .” he let out a small gasp when her thumb made contact with the corner of his mouth.
“Shouldn’t what?” She asked, genuinely puzzled.
“Shouldn’t touch me.”
“What? What do mean Xander, are you sure you’re okay? Maybe you hit your head harder than you thought.”
The concern in her voice, mixed with the closeness of her body, and the feel of her hands on his face was driving him crazy. Confused as to where the feelings were coming from, he tried to block out the electricity that seemed to radiate from the tips of her fingers, the smell of her shampoo, the warm tickle of breath upon his ear, everything Willow related.
“Xander what’s wrong? Are you sure your ok?”
“You’re beautiful Willow.” The words slipped out of his mouth before he could stop them. He looked at the expression of shock that flickered across her face and, knowing he could possibly ruin any closeness that still existed between them, bridged the gap of mere inches that separated them and wrapped his arms around her waist, lowering his lips to hers.
He felt the shock of what he was doing go through Willow’s body, but as the kiss progressed, she began to respond, moving closer and kissing him back more deeply.
Willow moved closer to Xander, molding her body to his, and began to run her hands across his chest, up his back, and around his neck, eventually settling to fondle in his hair, as their mouths stayed locked together, increasing the sudden passion flowing between them. He tightened his arms around her waist and as he moved his lips to her neck, she suddenly pulled back, a shocked look replacing the glazed expression of passion.
“What am I doing?”
********
Part 5
“Willow, I, I’m sorry, I mean, I thought....”
“Xander you can’t do this again”
“I can’t do this? I do believe there were two people involved here!”
“There were not! I was PERFECTLY happy with Tara! I was FINE! She loves me! She does, you know, she’s not gonna ignore me like you or leave me like Oz! She’s safe!”
“See, now that’s funny, because I didn’t notice you saying you love her. She’s “safe”, which means she’s not a guy. I hope you’ve been having fun playing psuedo-lesbian! I mean look, Wills, It’s not like I planned this! I love Anya! She‘s the best thing that‘s ever happened to me!”
“Psuedo-lesbian! And Anya is not the “best thing that’s ever happened to you. You want to talk about not loving someone look at you mister! ‘Oh I’m dating a demon! One day she’ll go psycho and kill us all! But for now it’s alright because I have someone to sleep with every night’ After all isn‘t that what it all comes down to?” As soon as the words left her mouth, Willow knew she’d gone too far. “Xander, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean....”
“No, it’s just fine Willow. After all, what do I care, I’m just using her for sex! Hey insult her some more! Go on, do it! I’m all ears!”
“Xander, I didn’t mean it, I’m sorry it just slipped out! Besides, you haven’t exactly been playing Mr. Nice Guy here!”
“So what? Maybe I’m just saying things that have needed to be said for a while not. And as for Anya., Wills, at least she appreciates me. As least she thinks I’m good enough for her. Which is more than I can say for you lately!”
“That is NOT fair, Xander Harris! I do not think I’m better than you.”
“But you do Willow. You’re in college, you’re a witch, you’re a lesbian! You‘re all ‘Look at my neat new Xander-free life! Oh, who’s that in the corner? Just some guy I went to school with, he’s just a manual laborer now, no one important’”
“Xander that isn’t how it is at all!”
“You know what, I don’t care anymore! I’m tired of being the one who tries to fix us. As far as I’m concerned, you can have a good life, as long as you leave me out of it! I’m tired of playing second to your new life.”
“XANDER! If anyone’s playing seconds here it’s me! I mean, I hardly see you anymore! It’s always Anya this, Anya that. I can’t compete with that!”
“You’re right, you can’t. Anya respects me, which is more than I can say for you. Bye Willow.”
With that, Xander walked out of her room in his ridiculous snoopy pajamas, a few moments later, Willow heard the front door slam, and feel to her bed in a shattered heap, weeping.
Xander had only made it a couple blocks before he started back. Not just because he had on nothing but snoopy pajamas and it was cold outside, but because of the deep pain that pierced his heart as he recalled the way she looked at him when he had said those things to her. The last thing he had wanted to do was hurt her. He had devoted a large portion of his life to making sure no one else did, either. But, being Xander, he had screwed it up. Again. Xander Harris had gotten only one thing right in his life, and that was Willow. And now? Everything was in shambles. He had screwed it up, again, and all because he was scared.
That kiss had gone straight to his soul. It sent sparks through him like nothing he had ever felt before. Not even before, when the “fluke” was happening. Not with Cordelia, not with Anya, never. He felt as if she had just touched his soul, and left more of a mark than ever before. And he had screwed it up. He had let pride get in the way, and tried to rationalize it. He wasn’t in love with Anya. He loved her, but he wasn’t in love. His heart belonged to Willow, it always had. He just had to make her realize it. With a new resolve, Xander quickened his pace as he hurried back to her. To the only woman he’d ever loved.
******
Willow sat up and dried her eyes. This was stupid. Xander didn’t love her. He never had, not the way she had wanted him to. It still hurt, though. It hurt to be around him, to look at him. To be so close to him but so far away from who he really was. He could walk into a room and all her old insecurities would come rushing back with a vengeance. She was reduced to the trembling girl who was scared of everyone. The girl who thought nothing of herself, and harbored a painful love for her best friend. Then, like that same girl, she would feel better when he smiled, or complimented her. That was all it took, all it ever took, to make Willow happy. Xander. Which was why it made her so mad that she had let herself slip. She worked hard at building a new life, a new Willow. She was strong now. She didn’t need him. That was what she told herself every moment of every day. That she was fine without him. But the truth was, lately she had been miserable.
She had been Xander-less, and it was killing her. WHY had she kissed him? Although, technically, he had done the kissing, she had just. . . kissed back. But it had been the most amazing kiss of her life. Not even during the fluke had a kiss made her feel like that. Not even Oz, or Tara for that matter. Maybe that’s why she had taken his words so hard. Because they were true. She WAS just playing lesbian. It was just that after Oz left, Tara was the first person to ever show any interest in her. She made her feel special. And it was easier than facing how she really felt for Xander. Tara helped her be “new” Willow, the Willow who didn’t need Xander Harris. But the truth? There was no Willow without Xander. And she would never stop needing him, or loving him.
“What am I doing sitting here? He just kissed you, idiot!” With her heart on her sleeve and her hopes in the air, Willow flew down the stairs and out of the front door. She ran to meet her destiny, her soul, her reason. She just prayed it wasn’t too late.
******
“Uggh!” Willow grunted as she ran into a very solid something in front of her. A very solid someone. In snoopy pajamas.
“We gotta stop meeting like this, Wills.”
“Oh Xander! I’m so sorry! I don’t hate you! And I don’t love Tara! And I did kiss you back! I kissed you back because I don’t love Tara. Because I love you! And I’m sorry! I really am! I didn’t mean any of it!” Willow sputtered to a stop as the tears she couldn’t control fell from her eyes. She looked up and him and asked through her sniffles, “Do you forgive me?”
Xander took her face in his hands and lowered his mouth to hers. After a kiss that left them both breathless, Willow pulled back and inquired, “so that’s a yes?”
In what would become habit after every time they fought, long after they were married, and had children, and retired, he looked into her eyes and said “I could never tell you no.” Then he wrapped her in his arms and they clung to each other in the cool night air, boy and girl, each part of something bigger than both of them. Each in love, each finally feeling complete after feeling for so long like something was missing.