Author: Pete Milan
"At any rate, let us love for a while, for a year or so, you and me. That’s a form of divine drunkenness that we can all try." --F. Scott Fitzgerald
Willow groaned slightly as she got out of bed. She felt sore. She must have tossed and turned heavily during the night. She remembered the dreams as being full of skin and hands and hair, all draped across her body. She could only remember snippets, though; a man's chest, sharp nails, long ash-blond hair. She thought about all this as she showered.
Buffy was still asleep when she emerged. She slept in the fetal position, looking well and truly exhausted.
"Wake up, Buffy," Willow said, shaking her. "Come on. You gotta get up."
"I don't wanna," Buffy mumbled, her eyes still closed.
"We can't miss Psych."
"Sure we can." Buffy pulled a pillow over her head.
"Buffy..."
"Just leave me here. Where no one can see me. It'll be okay, really."
"I know you're embarassed..."
"Embarassed?" Buffy sat up. "Will, Riley and I nearly killed everyone with..." She searched for the term. "Sweet lovin'!"
"Sulking here isn't going to help anything," Willow said. "It wasn't your fault."
"Did they ever find that Julie girl?" Buffy asked.
"Yeah. Xander tracked her down. We managed to calm her down, convince her that she got a little drunk and decided to go post-punk." Willow smiled. "I think she's kind of digging the look now."
"Oh, God," Buffy moaned, laying back down and pulling the pillow on top of her head. "I'm a total slut."
"You are not!" Willow plopped down on the bed next to her. "Come on, you've just had your Naked Time."
Buffy peeked out at her from beneath the pillow.
"Naked Time?"
"Yeah. Everybody gets it. When you get into a relationship and there's, you know, a long courting period, when you finally end up in bed together, all that sexual tension that's been built up gets released, and Naked Time commences."
"Really," Buffy said skeptically. "And you've experienced this."
"Um..." Willow blushed deeply. "It was more of a Naked Summer, really. Oz and I were..." The blush deepened further.
"That's okay," Buffy said, smirking. "The blush tells me all I need to know."
******
"It's just embarassing," Buffy said as they walked to the cafeteria. "Especially since it was Xander and Anya who busted in on us..."
"You should have seen him," Willow said, smiling proudly. "When everyone was chased out of the house, he did this whole Independence Day speech about going in to rescue you two! It was great!"
"Really?"
"Yeah! ...Of course, he got thrown out a second later, but it was really inspiring."
"Sounds it," Buffy said. "So he dumped Anya, huh?"
"One of many reasons I'm proud of him this morning."
"Uh huh. It's just that, uh..." Buffy pointed. Willow followed the finger and saw what she was indicating.
Xander.
Walking towards them.
Hand in hand with Anya.
"Oh, God," Willow said.
"Uh, did you know all the color in your face is--"
"Yes, I figured that out, thank you. What is she doing here?"
"Nuzzling his ear, it looks like."
Willow glared at her.
"Whoa," Buffy said, taken aback. "That was a Giles-level glare. You're really upset!"
"Never mind," Willow said, frowning. "Let's just eat stupid breakfast with stupid Anya."
********
"If we grow old together..."
That phrase, uttered by Xander at the breakfast table, kept echoing through her ears as she tried in vain to pay attention to Riley's Psych lecture. With Professor Walsh dead, a suitable replacement had not yet been found, so Riley, her teacher's assistant, had been following her lesson plans. Willow could relate.
What she couldn't relate to was Xander back together with Anya. When she'd found out last night about their argument and mutual dumpage, it was the best news she'd received in a long time. Xander deserved better than that...that...
"If we grow old together..."
She knew it was just an off-the-cuff remark--a Xanderism, not to be taken seriously. She didn't think either of them--any of them--believed they would be growing old together. Still, the idea of it made her stomach turn. Anya was...was...just wrong for Xander on every level except the physical! It was just brimming over with stinky wrongness.
She idly doodled in her notebook and found herself drawing a little cartoon Anya, with a 16 ton weight about to crush her flat.
"If we grow old together..."
Oh, this was ridiculous. It was petty. Sure, Anya was a vengeance demon...who had turned reality upside down in order to punish Xander for kissing her when he was dating Cordelia...who had then enlisted Willow in a scheme to get her magic necklace back...who had brought a vampire Willow to this universe, where it had wreaked havoc...who had cut and run during the Ascension...who then showed up and monopolized all Xander's time...who had made it perfectly clear that she was willing to let them be devoured by whatever evil happened along...who had the blood of countless innocent men on her hands, and certainly didn't show any remorse for all her evil acts...
But...
Willow blinked.
*********
"There's no but," Willow said, moping at the dinner table.
"I think you mean 'There is no spoon,'" Buffy replied. "The Matrix. Your turn."
"What? No," Willow said, shaking off her confusion. "I'm talking about Anya. There's no but."
"Um..." Buffy was at a loss how to respond. "Well, I guess being a vengeance demon gave her a great metabolism..."
Willow tried to reply, but decided that nothing good would come of it. "Why do you think the two of them got back together?"
"Well, I..." Buffy thought. "Huh."
"See? See? You can't think of a good reason either, can you?"
"No, wait. Give me a second...uh...sex! The sex. He's in it for the sex."
"He's not that shallow," Willow said.
"He's not?"
"Buffy!"
"Sorry...it's just, y'know, knowing his history with women..."
"Of which you and I are part, might I remind you," Willow sniffed. "I mean, I was going over it in my head, and...there is just so much about her that drips in wrongness! I just want to understand it."
Buffy looked at her friend sympathetically.
"This really bothers you, doesn't it?" she asked.
"It really does," Willow replied. "On every level."
"I don't know what to tell you, Will. He's a grown-up...technically...we can't live his life for him."
"Hmmph. We should be allowed to." She thought for a moment. "Hey! Idea! Let's set her up with Parker!"
"Will..."
"They'll cancel each other out! It'll be great!"
"Will! Look, if this bothers you so much, maybe you should go talk to him."
"Parker?"
"Xander!" Buffy said.
"I can't." Willow picked absently at her applesauce. "What could I possibly say? 'I hate your girlfriend. Let's have some chips.'"
"Well, I don't know what else you can do. It's either talk to him about it, or deal with it." Buffy shook her head. "Wow. Deja vu. This sounds like every conversation I ever had with Xander about you and Oz."
"Really?" Willow said.
"Really."
"Well then." Willow stood up. "I'm going to break the pattern."
********
Mrs. Harris opened the door and brightened to see Willow standing there.
"Willow? How are you, sweetie?"
"Uh...fine, Mrs. Harris," Willow said, crossing the threshold. "How've you been?"
"Oh, you know, it's always hectic around here. I'm just doing some cleaning; we finally managed to get Rory off of the couch into his own place."
"Hey!" a voice called down from the stairs. "You seen my shoes?"
"They're right where you left them," Mrs. Harris yelled back.
"Thanks, honey, that was real helpful."
"Oh, shove it up your--" She suddenly realized Willow was still standing there. She smiled ruefully. "Marriage is a give-and-take thing, ya know?"
"Mmm," Willow said, smiling. Watching Xander's parents had been better than television when she was a kid. "So is he in?"
"I don't think so," Mrs. Harris replied. "I think he's working the graveyard shift this week."
"...Where?"
"I'm not sure," Mrs. Harris said. "He's got a few jobs...anyway, I'll let him know you stopped by."
"Oh, you don't have to do that--"
"Please! Any visitor that isn't that girlfriend of his is welcome." Mrs. Harris made a face. "She's always coming over here..."
"Yeah, I know."
"I don't see how he has any energy at all, the way she runs him ragged."
"Well, she...what?"
"I mean, honestly, sometimes all I hear from down there is the boxspring. I mean, I thought Mr. Harris was insatiable, but those two--"
Willow tried desperately to tune out the rest of the sentence. Please please please let there be an earthquake right now...
"...and she's so rude! See if I ever try and give her Easter cookies again--"
"Mrs. H? I, um, have to go...you know, studying and all that, so I'll, uh, see you later..."
"Oh, of course, sweetie. Come back anytime."
"How about my clean underwear?" Mr. Harris shouted from upstairs. "Any idea where that is?"
"You know, maybe if you did some laundry around here from time to time--"
Willow took the opportunity to flee. She walked away from the house, trying not to run, unaware that she was being observed.
********
Willow collapsed on her bed face-down. Buffy looked up from the copy of Bleak House she was taking notes from.
"Uh...go well?" she asked anxiously.
"He wasn't there," Willow said, her voice muffled. "But his parents were. I have seen the face of fear, and it's a middle-aged woman talking about her son's sexual habits."
"Whoa," Buffy said. "You don't think our moms do that, do you?"
"It's too terrible to contemplate." Willow burrowed into her pillows, not bothering to undress for bed. She just wanted a peaceful sleep.
********
The sensations changed each time they moved. She was somewhere soft; beneath her naked body, she could feel something cool and downy, the white comforter she used to have...she luxuriated on it, enjoying the feeling of the fabric against her skin. A dim figure hovered above her, growing close..
She reached out and touched its arm...first it was soft and tender, then it grew a firmer musculature, then fur erupted from beneath the skin. It went on in this way, changing back and forth. The figure grew closer, pressing against her. The sudden changes made her gasp as their skin touched.
"Who are you?" she whispered.
The face of the figure was changing as well...first it was the guarded expression of Tara, then the open smile of Xander, then the sly, wolfish grin of Oz.
"You know me," the figure said. "You know me." It repeated the phrase with each face.
"I know you," Willow agreed, wrapping her arms around the figure. "I love you."
"I love you," Tara whispered in her ear. "I love you," Xander said, kissing her. "I love you," Oz said, nibbling at her neck.
She moaned softly as the figure's hands wandered across her body...then the figure was torn away. She looked up; the figure had split into its component parts. Oz was running away into the darkness. Tara scrambled into an open door--was that a closet? Xander was held up by the scruff of his neck.
Anya stood there, holding Xander aloft, laughing contemptuously at Willow.
"You can't have him!" she cackled. "He's mine now!"
Willow curled into a ball, unable to do anything else. Her sobs drowned out the sounds of the demon's cruel laughter... --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You remember all your dreams, right?" Willow asked.
"Most of them," Buffy replied. "Of course, that's not really by choice. Most of my dreams are kinda hard to forget. Why? Whatcha dream about?"
"I'm not sure," Willow said. They were back in the cafeteria at UC Sunnydale. "I think it was a naked sort of dream, but I don't remember what happened. I just remember waking up crying."
"Tears of joy?" Buffy asked hopefully.
"Uh-uh," Willow said, shaking her head. "I woke up really upset, and really angry at--"
Anya pulled up a chair, sat down, and glared at Willow.
"--Anya," Willow finished. "Anya's here. At our table."
"Morning," Buffy said carefully. "How's everything--"
"You stay away from him," Anya said, her eyes cold.
"Excuse me?" Willow said. The hair on the back of ner neck was standing up.
"You heard me," Anya said. "I saw you go into Xander's house last night."
"What?! I was talking with his parents! Which is more than you've ever done!"
"Look," Buffy interjected, "Maybe we should both just--"
"And what is that supposed to mean?" Anya growled, leaning in closer.
"It means that Xander has a family, friends and a life," Willow growled back. "He had them before you showed up and he'll have them after you're gone."
"After I'm what?"
"You heard me, you...sex kitten!"
"If you'd both calm down for a--" Buffy tried again, but was cut off by Anya standing up.
"Is that so," Anya said. "Well, I guess that's how things would look to me if I were some pathetic female who couldn't keep a man for more than five minutes without him running off."
"Oh, shit," Buffy muttered as Willow shot to her feet.
"Well, I don't have to use my body as a sex toy in order to keep my boyfriend interested!" Willow yelled.
"Oh, you wish you could use that scrawny thing you call a body!"
"You wanna see what I can do with this body?" Willow's hands balled into fists.
"Frigid cow!"
"Slutburger!"
"HEY!" Buffy shouted. "Back off, both of you! Willow, you go to class! Anya, go do...whatever it is you do!"
"Fine," Anya said haughtily. She turned and walked slowly away, pausing to toss "Toothpick!" over her shoulder.
"Oh, that's it--" Buffy restrained Willow from going after the vengeance demon.
"Whoa! Whoa!" Buffy forcibly shoved Willow back into her seat. "You gotta calm down, Will."
"Who the hell does she think she is?!" Willow yelled.
"Xander's girlfriend," Buffy replied simply.
"I don't care! I'm not gonna take that kind of--I'll show her some vengeance!"
"I know, I know," Buffy said. "Look, just calm down. Get a little space. I'll talk to Xander about her, all right?"
*******
"Hmmph," Willow hmmmphed. She sat alone at one of the tables in the Bronze, watching people dance to Dingoes Ate My Baby. She was been momentarily dismayed to see that there was a new bass player, but that was just par for the course for today.
Toothpick. Frigid cow. She still ached with the desire to track Anya down and vengeance her into a hospital bed. How dare she! Even Cordelia, at her most obnoxious, had never...well, actually, yes she had, but at least Cordelia was a human...technically...
It was a testament to how depressed she was that she was actually cheered by the appearance of Spike. He noticed her from across the room and walked over, flopping next to her on the couch.
"Evenin'," he grinned. "Gi' us some cash."
"You're drunk," Willow replied. "And I'm not scared."
"Story of my life," Spike grumbled. "So where's the rest of the Hardy Boys and Girls? Gosh, hope they weren't violently killed or anything. That would upset me no end."
"Who knows?" Willow replied. "I can tell you where Xander is, probably off...boinking Miss Vengeance. Thinks she's tough."
"Oh, bloody hell, are they back together?" Spike frowned. "Thought I was in there."
"Oh, yeah, you'd make a cute couple."
"An' why not? She's got everything I look for in a woman. An evil disposition an' a nice arse." He thought for a moment. "We oughtta team up, you an' I. You seduce Droopyboy, an' I'll sweep Demon Gal off her feet."
"Yeah, right." Willow sulked.
"Come on, cheer up."
"What do you care?"
"Well, I don't really," Spike said, grinning. "But of your whole crew, you're the one I want dead the least."
"That's very..." She stared at him. "No, actually, that's not sweet at all. It's just creepy."
"I aim to please. Got any cigs?"
*********
Xander was seated in a chair, immersed in a comic called Wahoo Morris, when Willow walked down the stairs to his room.
"Hey," she said. "How's it going?"
"I'm all right," Xander replied, putting away the comic.
"So...'slutburger?'"
"I know, I know..."
"Buffy told me you're buggin' about Anya." He stood and walked over to her. "So...what? What's the deal?"
"I don't know," Willow replied. "It's just...when you two broke up, I thought it was gonna be a permanent thing, and I could stop being nice. Being nice to her is kind of an effort."
"Sorry to inconvenience you."
"Xander, she brought an evil vampire version of me to this world, all right?" Willow said, anger flaring. "I'd like to see you deal with a thing like that!"
"I know, but...you gotta know she's sorry for that."
"She's never said so. And...I feel like she's the reason we don't see each other as much as we used to."
"Really," Xander said, his face darkening. "And the fact that you're in college, and all that time you spent alone in your room when Oz left, and the fact that you spend every spare moment with Tara has nothing to do with it, right?"
"Well..." Willow frowned. "You're right. I'm sorry. I just don't get the attraction."
"The attraction?" Xander laughed. "Will, what's not to get?"
"Oh, come on! Look, I know you! This thing with her has to be about more than sex!"
"Of course it is," Xander replied. "What did you think I was talking about?"
Willow was silent.
"She asks about my day, you know? She's interested." His face lightened, an affectionate smile forming. "She comes to visit me at work. She tries to understand, and I admit, she doesn't always get it, but she tries...I matter to her."
"You matter to us, too," Willow said.
"Do you remember what happened to me at Halloween?" Xander asked. "I turned invisible. Didn't any of you wonder why that was my worst fear? That's what it feels like sometimes, Will, like I'm just some disembodied voice in the background. And Anya...she sees me." He blushed slightly. "She loves me."
"Do you love her?"
Xander faltered.
"Well, y'know, not in the actually saying it out loud sense."
Willow looked up into his eyes.
"She's not good enough for you," she said. "You do know that, right?"
Xander looked confused.
"Don't you?"
"And who would be good enough for me?" Xander asked.
"I..." Willow didn't finish the answer. She couldn't.
"Look," Xander said, taking her by the shoulders. "Just try and get used to her, all right? I want you guys to like her."
Willow sighed. "I'll try," she finally said.
"Good," Xander said as the stairs door opened. Anya marched downstairs; her eyes immediately narrowed at the sight of the witch.
"What is she doing here?" she asked icily.
"She's here because she wants to apologize," Xander said.
"I do?" Willow asked.
"Yes."
"Well, that's good," Anya said.
"So do you," Xander added.
"What?"
"Xan, you need to stop with this jealousy thing, all right? I don't want to wake up some morning and find myself in some big weird Melrose Place of the Damned. Now, I think you two should apologize to each other."
Bristling, the two women approached each other.
"I'm..." Anya almost choked on the word. "...sorry I was so jealous."
"Sorry I called you a slutburger," Willow replied.
"Okay!" Xander quickly jumped in. "Everyone's friends again! Isn't that great?"
"Super," Anya said, glaring at Willow.
"Swell," Willow replied, glaring back.
********
Buffy walked through the door to find Willow sitting on her bed, knees drawn up to her chin, lost in thought.
"Hey," she said. "How'd it go?"
"Hmm? Oh, you know. Anya and I are gonna try and be nice to one another." She paused. "Things get better, right?"
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know...sometimes I feel like my life's completely out of control. I mean, more than it usually is. Like everything's spiralling away, and all I can do is watch."
Buffy sat on the bed next to her friend and gave her a hug.
"It's not that bad," she said. "Though sometimes it feels like it is."
"It really does," Willow replied.
"Don't worry about it," Buffy said. "Things are bound to get better."
*******
Warm air above, cool fabric below, Willow opened her arms to embrace her lover. The figure pressed against her, but for once, the face didn't change. It was Xander.
She held onto him, her hands grasping the flesh of his back, breathing deep the scent of him. She smiled at the kisses he delivered to her lips, her neck, her chest...
He opened his eyes and looked down at her, and was surprised to see her face change. One minute is was Willow; the next it was Anya.
"I love you," Willow said. "I love you," Anya said--
********
He shot upright in bed, gasping.
"Xander?" Anya murmured, her body nestled against him.
"Whatsamatter?"
"Nothing," Xander whispered, lying back down. "Nothing. Just some weird dream."
He lay back down and closed his eyes. He tried to recapture the dream, but all he could latch onto was red hair, shining in the dark.