The Montreal Tribune International Canada National Business
"Rene's Side of the World"
Rene L'Evary, Tunisian Born Canadian businessman who lives in shanghai, China
Now rest and let the poison work
Josh was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side.
She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber.
He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"Becky, my darling," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."
"There isn't anything to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's alright, go to sleep."
"No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," whispered Becky, " now rest and let the poison work."
The money bags
A man arrives to the Ben Gurion International Airport in Tel Aviv with two large bags.
The customs agent opens the first bag and finds it full with money in different currencies.
The agent asks the passenger, "How did you get this money?"
The man says, "You will not believe it, but I traveled all over Europe, went into public restrooms, each time I saw a man pee, I grabbed his penis and said, "donate money to Israel or I will cut your balls off"...
The customs agent said, "well... it's very interesting story... what do you have in the other bag?"
The man said, "You would not believe how many people in Europe do not support Israel"... 3/16/04
Something for you to think & laugh
Arguing with your Boss is like wrestling with a pig in mud.
After a while you realize that while you are getting dirty, the pig is actually enjoying it.
Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.
It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it creative problem solving.
Behind every successful woman, is a man who is surprised. <Pan>Yes, I do agree with that.
Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Forgive your enemies but remember their names
The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father.
He said he wanted more proof.
Some pain is physical and some is mental, but one that's both is dental.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome."
Two and one
On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:
Two Italian men and one Italian woman
Two French men and one French woman
Two German men and one German woman
Two Greek men and one Greek woman
Two English men and one English woman
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
Two Irish men and one Irish woman
Two American men and one American woman
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred...
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.
The two German men have set up a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce themto the English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.
The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the Chinese woman pregnant in order to supply employees and customers for their establishment.
The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.
The two American men are contemplating suicide because the American woman will not shut up, and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this heaven-forsaken deserted island in the middle of nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.
The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart (Martin Stone)
50° Fahrenheit (10° C) Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians plant gardens
35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C) Italian Cars won't start. Canadians drive with the windows down
32° Fahrenheit (0 ° C) American water freezes. Canadian water get thicker.
0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C) New York City landlords finally turn on the heat. Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C) Mt. St. Helens freezes. Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door
-100° Fahrenheit (-73° C) Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Canadians pull down their ear flaps.
-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C) Ethyl alcohol Freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
-460° Fahrenheit (-273° C) Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops. Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"
-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C) Hell freezes over. The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.
From Martin Stone Dispatch
Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long
and boring conference calls? Here's a way to change all of that.
1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call,
prepare your "Bull$hit Bingo" card by drawing a square -- I find that 5"x5"
is a good size. Divide the card into columns -- five across and five down.
That will give you 25 one-inch blocks.
2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:
take that off-line
out of the loop
think outside the box
empower (or empowerment)
at the end of the day
no I in team
3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.
4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand
up and shout "BULL$HIT!"
Testimonials from satisfied "Bull$hit Bingo" players:
"I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won."
--Jack W., Boston
"My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically."
--David D., Florida
"What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win."
--Bill R., New York City
"The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for
the fifth box."
--Ben G., Denver
"The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed 'BULL$HIT!' for the third
time in two hours."
--Kathleen L., Atlanta
The MS CARS
From Martin Stone dispatch
At a recent computer expo, COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon. In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1.For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2.Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3.Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows shut off the caR, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4.Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5.Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light, or a "You have performed an illegal operation".
7. The airbag > system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
THIS IS HOW THE BRITISH RETALIATED.
BY ALLOWING US TO MAKE ENGLISH OUR NATIONAL LANGUAGE
From Martin Stone Dispatch
Reasons why the English language is hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine
in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries
in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet,
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write
but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
Or, one goose, 2 geese? So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't
it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an
asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play
and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that
smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise
man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible.
Actual Memo From Osama Bin Laden Found In The Cave by the CIA
From Martin Stone Dispatch
Memo to: Cavemates
RE: The Cave
We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no 'I' in Al Qaeda" as well as the one that says "Hang In There!" That goddamn cat is hilarious! However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns. First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I, so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign-up sheet near the main cave opening.
Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful f#%$ing country on Earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, do not ride your Razor scooter in the background. Just
while we're taping. Thanks.
Third: Food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my f#%$ing Cheez-Its were half gone. A little freakin' consideration. That's all I'm saying. Finally,
we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Randy, and Akbar.
Love you guys,
From the Original Hollywood Squares T.V. Show
Dispatch from Martin Stone
These are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they are now.
Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...
Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!
Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.
Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
Q: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
A: Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!
Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean?
A: George Goebel: Cattle crossing.
Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!
Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.
Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
A: Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question.
Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q: When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him
Q: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?
A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.
Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.
Hierarchy of newspapers in the U.S. Who reads what? (From Martin Stone dispatch
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't understand the Washington Post.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running
Charlie had a massive heart attack and died. His body was delivered to the mortuary. He had been wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit at the time of his demise, so he really looked wonderful, considering the circumstances.
His wife went to the funeral home to make the final arrangements for his interment. She spoke to the mortician about what her husband would be wearing. The mortician pointed out that the man looked really nice in the black suit he was wearing, and that frankly it would be easier and less expensive to leave him dressed as he was.
The woman noted that Charlie had always looked his very best in blue, and that she really wanted him in a blue suit for his trip to eternity.
To silence the mortician's continued outcries, she gave him a blank check and said, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in the very best blue suit money can buy for the ceremony."
The woman came back the next day for the wake. To her delight, she found her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly.
She said to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presented her with the blank check, indicating there was no charge for these extra services.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she cried.
The mortician responded, "Honestly, ma'am, the change to the blue suit cost nothing. Funny thing, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing an attractive black suit. She indicated that it made no difference, as long as he looked nice...
So I switched the heads."
On their honeymoon the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship."
"What is it?" she asked.
"I'm a golfer," he said.
"What's the big deal about that?" she asked.
He replied, "When I say I'm a golfer, I mean that I'll be on the course Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday, Friday afternoon, and any holidays. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf - golf wins."
She pondered a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. In the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. I'm a hooker. Have been for a few years now."
"No problem," was his response, "just widen your stance a little and overlap your grip with your hands, hold the thick driver inside, deep in the bush, pushing all the balls, and that should clear it right up."
10 Rules To Live BY
You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You go up to her and say, "Hi, I'm great in bed, how about it?". ---That's Direct Marketing.
You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You give your friend a tenner. She goes up and says "Hi, my friend over there is great in bed, how about it?". ---That's Advertising.
You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You somehow mop up her mobile number. You call and chat her up a while and then say "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?" ---That's Tele-Marketing.
You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You recognise her. You walk up to her, refresh her memory and get her to laugh and giggle and then suggest, "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?" ---That's Customer Relationship Management.
You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You put on your spring boots and walk around playing Mr. Busy. You put on your best smile and walk around being Mr. Congenial. You fresh all the Thesaurus links in your memory and play Mr. Polished. You stand straight, you talk soft and smooth, you open the door for the ladies, you smile like a dream, you set an aura around you playing the Mr. Gentleman and then you move up to the girl and say, "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?". ---That's Hard Selling.
You go to a party, you see an attractive girl across the room. SHE COMES OVER and says, "Hi, I hear you're great in bed, how about it?" ---Now THAT is the power of Branding.
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that is red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes," the man said. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of the restaurant we went to last night?"
A SIGN FROM ABOVE
A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them was hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So…you're a man, that's interesting….I'm a woman... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The man replied, " I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this !!! - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then handing it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."
Check out these Anagrams:
An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has far too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one!)
When you rearrange the letters: He bugs Gore
When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room
When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent
When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code:
When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots
When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in em
When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity
When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler
When you rearrange the letters: Alas! No More Z's
A Decimal Point:
When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place
When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two:
When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one
And for the grand finale:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
It can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter only once) into:
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
The U.S. “Bill of No Rights"
The following has apparently been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Kaye from GA. This guy should have run for President:
"We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal, bed-wetters.
We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a “Bill of No Rights".
ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.
ARTICLE IX: You don’t have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness -- which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights,"
If you agree, share this with a friend. No, you don't have to, and nothing tragic will befall you if you don't. I just think it is about time common sense is allowed to flourish - call it the age of reason revisited.
Debra Presley, 3100 Cumberland Blvd, Suite 200, Atlanta, GA 30339, Phone: 770-612-2207, Fax: 770-612-2246, E-Mail: Debra.Presley@Sita.int
10 Rules To Live BY
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: early.
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka-zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain-saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Be afraid,. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. The pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee," was her reply.
"Where?" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole."
He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."
By Martin Stone
1. Why does the sun lighten hair, but darken skin?
2. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
3. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
4. Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
5. Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
6. Why is a boxing ring square?
7. Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
8. Why is it that doctors call what they do practice"?
9. Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
10. Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
11. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
12. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
13. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
14. Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
15. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
16. Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
17. Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
18. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
The History of Teaching Math on Logs And Lumber
By Martin Stone
Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set ³L² of lumber for a set ³M² of money. The cardinality of set ³M² is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set ³M². The ³C², the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set ³M². Represent the set ³C² as a subset of set ³M² and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set ³P² of profits?
Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering that question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.
Teaching Math in 1996:
By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.
Teaching Math in 1997:
A company outsources all of its loggers. They save on benefits and when demand for their product is down the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3 weeks vacation, and received a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?
Teaching Math in 2001:
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted own, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of the lobbying costs?
Two priests were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, and sunglasses.
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a very tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blond passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning Father, Good morning Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
The next day, they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits. Once again they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time and showing a very nice tan, came walking toward them.
Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, "Just a minute young lady".
"Yes?" she replied.
"We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests?"
"Father it's me, Sister Angela."
THIS IS DEEP BUT SO INTERESTING...
Satan called a worldwide convention. In his opening address to his evil angels, he said, "We can't keep the Christians from going to church. We can't keep them from reading their Bibles and knowing the truth. We can't even keep them from forming an intimate, abiding relationship experience in Christ. Once they gain that connection with Jesus, our power over them is broken. So let them go to their churches; let them have their conservative lifestyles, but steal their time, so they can't gain that relationship with Jesus Christ. This is what I want you to do, angels. Distract them from gaining hold of their Saviour and maintaining that vital connection through-out their day!"
"How shall we do this?" shouted his angels.
"Keep them busy in the nonessentials of life and invent innumerable schemes to occupy their minds," he answered.
"Tempt them to spend, spend, spend, and borrow, borrow, borrow. Persuade the wives to go to work for long hours and the husbands to work 6-7 days each week, 10-12 hours a day, so they can afford their empty lifestyles. Keep them from spending time with their children. As their family fragments, soon, their home will offer no escape from the pressures of works! Over-stimulate their minds so that they cannot hear that still, small voice.
Entice them to play the radio or cassette player whenever they drive. To keep the TV, VCR, CDs and their PCs going constantly in their home and see to it that every store and restaurant in the world plays non-biblical music constantly. This will jam their minds and break that union with Christ. Fill their coffee tables with magazines and newspapers. Pound their minds with the news 24 hours a day. Invade their driving moments with billboards. Flood their mailboxes with junk mail, order catalog, sweepstakes, and every kind of newsletter ! and promotional offering free products, services and false hopes.
Keep skinny, beautiful models on the magazines so their husbands will believe that external beauty is what's important, and they'll become dissatisfied with their wives. That will fragment those families quickly! Even in their recreation, let them be excessive. Have them return from their recreation exhausted, disquieted and unprepared for the coming week. Don't let them go out in nature to reflect on God's wonders. Send them to amusement parks, sporting events, concerts and movies instead. Keep them busy, busy, busy! And when they meet for spiritual fellowship, involve them in gossip and small talk so that they leave with troubled consciences and unsettled emotions.
Go ahead, let them be involved in self righteous acts; but crowd their lives with so many good causes they have no time to seek power from Jesus. Soon they will be working in their own strength, sacrificing their health and family for the good of the cause. It will work! It will work!"
It was quite a convention. The evil angels went eagerly to their assignments causing Christians everywhere to get more busy and more rushed, going here and there.
I guess the question is : HAS THE DEVIL BEEN SUCCESSFUL AT HIS SCHEME? You be the judge! Does "BUSY" mean : B-eing U-nder S-atan's Y-oke
Please pass this on or are you too BUSY?!
HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF...
Streakers beware: Your end is in sight!
Birth control is the evasion of the issue.
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks. (Joe E. Lewis)
The Italian government is considering installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa. The reason? What good is it if you have the inclination, but you don't have the time?
Absentee: A Missing Golfing Accessory.
Show me a Chinese spy and I'll show you a Peking Tom.
A successful acupuncture is a jab well done.
Minniehaha: A very, very small joke.
"Why don't you slip into something more comfortable?" asked Tom negligently.
What do people who live near the YMCA have in common with Gomer Pyle? They're gym neighbors.
Making your own hard liquor is a whiskey business.
What is an innuendo? An Itialian suppository!
The Bronte sisters all wrote novels and poems. They were engaged in a scribbling rivalry.
The story of cosmonauts who fall in love and start a family on board the Russian space station is entitled "From Mir to Maternity."
A hypochondriac can't leave being well-enough alone. (Henny Youngman)
Have you heard about the new computer screen that fixes itself? It's a Christian Science monitor
Simple but effective advice for would-be vegetable gardeners: "Weed 'em and reap!"
The small bathroom in Robin Hood's house is called Little John.
An unemployed logger is a would worker.
Tasteless: A painting made by an artist without a palate.
A guy glanced at the prices at the auto parts store and said "Gimme a brake!"
Show me a stolen sausage and I'll show you a missing link.
A new lumberjack's union was started by a splinter group.
When he suffered a spill, his ski vacation went downhill.
Shoplifters are cursed with the gift of grab.
A hard man is good to find. (Mae West)
Dialogue: Changing the color of a piece of wood.
Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: You find the present tense, and the past perfect.
Marriage is like a violin - after all the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached.
Show me a cat which just ate a lemon, and I'll show you a sour puss.
Beautiful legs are sometimes without equal, but bow-legs are always without parallel.
She was so Blonde that she wanted to sign up as an organ donor, but all she had was a guitar!
If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower. (Groucho Marx)
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.
I was driving to the store yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself.
I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.
That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.
Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. That means that "EVERY SINGLE DAY," I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Flip one off? I think not.
HMO for Pets?
by Calif Dreaming
A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."
"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"
With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook its head and barked.
The veterinarian then took the dog out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also checked out the poor dog on the table. As had its predecessor, the cat sadly shook its head and meowed. It then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.
The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went berserk. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"
The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, it would have been $50, but with the Lab report and the cat scan........"
Check This Out!
Good house keeping:Link
Check This Out!
Accessible by Microsoft Power Point or equivalent: Mind-reader
Funny You Think?
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal his mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Jill and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Jill came to John saying," Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from my house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Several days later, John received an email from his Mother which read:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jill, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Jill. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
*I hear a chuckle...
This is a very poignant short
by Osiong@aol.com (Ca, USA)
After living a "decent" life, my time on earth came to an end. The first thing I remember is sitting on a bench in the waiting room of what I thought to be a court house. The doors opened and I was instructed to come in and have a seat by the defense table. As I looked around I saw the "prosecutor." He was a villainous looking gent who snarled as he stared at me. He definitely was the most evil person I have ever seen.
I sat down and looked to my left and there sat my lawyer, a kind and gentle looking man whose appearance seemed familiar to me.
The corner door flew open and there appeared the judge in full flowing robes. He commanded an awesome presence as he moved moved across the room. I couldn't take my eyes off of him.
As he took his seat behind the bench, he said, "Let us begin."
The prosecutor rose and said, "My name is Satan and I am here to show you why this man belongs in hell."
He proceeded to tell of lies that I told, things that I stole, and in the past when I cheated others. Satan told of other horrible perversions that were once in my life and the more he spoke, the further down in my seat I sank. I was so embarrassed that I couldn't look at anyone, even my own lawyer, as the Devil told of sins that even I had completely forgotten about.
As upset as I was at Satan for telling all these things about me, I was equally upset at my representative who sat there silently not offering any form of defense at all. I know I had been guilty of those things, but I had done some good in my life - couldn't that at least equal out part of the harm I've done?
Satan finished with a fury and said, "This man belongs in hell, he is guilty of all that I have charged and there is not a person who can prove otherwise.
When it was his turn, my lawyer first asked if he might approach the bench. The judge allowed this over the strong objection of Satan, and beckoned him to come forward. As he got up and started walking, I was able to see him in his full splendor and majesty. I realized why he seemed so familiar. This was Jesus representing me, my Lord and my Savior.
He stopped at the bench and softly said to the judge, "Hi Dad," and then he turned to address the court. "Satan was correct in saying that this man had sinned, I won't deny any of these allegations.
And yes the wage of sin is death, and this man deserves to be punished." Jesus took a deep breath and turned to his Father with outstretched arms and proclaimed, "However, I died on the cross so that this person might have eternal life and he has accepted me as his Savior, so he is mine."
My Lord continued with, "His name is written in the book of life and no one can snatch him from me. Satan still does not understand yet. This man is not to be given justice, but rather mercy."
As Jesus sat down, he quietly paused, looked at his Father and replied, "There is nothing else that needs to be done. I've done it all."
The judge lifted his mighty hand and slammed the gavel down. The following words bellowed from his lips... "This man is free. The penalty for him has already been paid in full. Case dismissed."
As my Lord led me away, I could hear Satan ranting and raving, "I won't give up, I'll win the next one." I asked Jesus as he gave me my instructions where to go next, "Have you ever lost a case?" Christ lovingly smiled and said, "Everyone that has come to me and asked me to represent them has received the same verdict as you, Paid in Full."
The Gift of Life
by the Unknown Comic
On the very first day, God created the cow. He said to the cow, "Today I have created you! As a cow, you must go to the field with the farmer all day long. You will work all day under the sun! I will give you a life span of 50 years."
The cow objected, "What? This kind of tough life you want me to live for 50 years? Let me have 20 years, and the 30 years I'll give back to you." So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said to the dog, "What you are supposed to do is to sit all day by the door of your house. Any people that come in, you will have to bark at them! I'll give a life span of 20 years."
The dog objected, "What? All day long to sit by the door? No way! I give you back my other 10 years of life!" So God agreed.
On the third day, God created the monkey. He said to the monkey, "Monkeys have to entertain people. You've got to make them laugh and do monkey tricks. I'll give you 20 years life span." The monkey objected. "What? Make them laugh? Do monkey faces and tricks? Ten years will do, and the other 10 years I'll give you back."
So God agreed.
On the fourth day, God created man and said to him, "Your job is to sleep, eat, and play. You will enjoy very much in your life. All you need to do is to enjoy and do nothing. This kind of life, I'll give you a 20 year life span."
The man objected. "What? Such a good life! Eat, play, sleep, do nothing? Enjoy the best and you expect me to live only for 20 years? No way, man... why don't we make a deal? Since the cow gave you back 30 years, the dog gave you back 10 years, the monkey gave you back 10 years, I will take them from you! That makes my life span 70 years, right?" So God agreed.
AND THAT'S WHY....
In our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy the best and do nothing much. For the next 30 years, we work all day long, suffer and get to support the family. For the next 10 years, we entertain our grandchildren by making monkey faces and monkey tricks. And for the last 10 years, we stay at home, sit by the front door and bark at people!
by Osiong@aol.com (Ca, USA)
Lorena Bobbitt's sister was arrested yesterday for trying to do the same thing to her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. The sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper leg causing severe muscle and tendon damage. She has been charged with a "misdewiener."
The Fisherman and Gamewarden
by Osiong@aol.com (Ca, USA)
New IRS auditor, eager to make a name for himself, decided to review the tax returns of the local synagogue. He proceeded to interrogate the Rabbi, asking him what the Synagogue did with the wax drippings from the Shabbat,Havdallah and Chanukah candles.
The Rabbi, pleased to show the auditor that nothing went to waste, responded that the used wax is collected and sent to a candle factory and they send the Temple new candles.
What about the crumbs from the matzah you eat at Passover?, asked the IRS auditor. Simple, the Rabbi responded. We collect all the crumbs, send them to the matzah bakery and they send us matzah meal.
All right, said the auditor, refusing to give up. I know that you're a moyel as well as a Rabbi. What do you do with the leftovers from the circumcisions?
Easy, said the Rabbi. We send them to Washington, DC and they send us little pricks like you!!!
The Fisherman and Gamewarden
by Osiong@aol.com (Ca, USA)
A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern California recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!." The game warden was curious now.
The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well."
"Well, What?" the man responded.
"When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" The man asked.
"What fish?" The man asked.
Computer - ID Ten T Error
Judy, the editor of a trivia publication, was having trouble with her computer. So she called Dave, the computer guy, over to her desk.
Dave clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, Judy called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
And he replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
A puzzled expression ran over Judy's face. "An ID ten T error? What's that..in case I need to fix it again??"
He gave her a grin, "Haven't you heard of an ID ten T error before."
"No," replied Judy.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure
She wrote: ID10T
I am Canadian ....... and proud of it!
A Canadian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a diner when an American man, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?" The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course." The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada." The American had a smirk on his face. The Canadian listened in silence. The American persisted. "D'ya eat jelly with the bread?" Sighing, the Canadian replied, "Of course." Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Canada." The Canadian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?' The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do."
The Canadian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" "We throw them away, of course." Now it was the Canadian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States."
Ha...Ha.... Ha! "I AM CANADIAN"
The Firing Squad Story
By Martin Stone Dispatch
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush, were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!"
The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion. Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given Al yelled out, "Tornado!"
Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall. The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall." He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!"
By Martin Stone Dispatch
The Pentagon recently discovered it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straightaway his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.
The second man, a Marine general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.
When the third general, a grizzled old Army General, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles." The pension man suggested that perhaps the Army general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Army general insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring. The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip o the general's penis and began to work back. My God!" he said. Where are your testicles?"
The general replied, "In Vietnam."
Only in America
1. Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
3. Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
4. Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
5. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
6. Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
7. Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
8. Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
9. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUPs?
The Bush Inaugural Song
by Martin Stone dispatch
(Sing to "What a Wonderful World This Would Be")
Don't know much about history
Don't know much foreign policy
Can't remember how I got through school
Cocaine and alcohol were just so cool
But what's it matter 'cause my mommy says
"Boy, if you want to you can be the prez"
And what a wonderful world this will be
Don't know much about the women's vote
Don't know much about the bill I wrote
Don't know much about foreign debt,
I've never voted for 'em yet
But I do know if your dad tries hard
He can get you in the National Guard
And what a wonderful place that can be
Now I never claimed to be an A student
But what's wrong with C's?
And maybe by lying to my lovely daughters
I can win their love for me
Don't know much about air pollution
Don't know much 'bout the constitution
Don't know much 'bout the economy
It never much affected me
But there's one thing that I know for sure
If the rich stay rich and poor stay poor
What a wonderful world this will be
Don't know much about the national debt
Can't say that I've ever paid one yet
If we need to we can sell the States
To the Japanese at discount rates
But I do know if things get bad
Dick and I can always call my dad
And what a wonderful world this will be
by Martin Stone dispatch
>1970: Long Hair
>2000: Longing for hair
>1970: The perfect high.
>2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund.
>1970: Acid Rock
>2000: Acid Reflux
>1970: Moving to California because it's cool.
>2000: Moving to California because it's warm.
>1970: Growing pot.
>2000: Growing pot belly.
>1970: Douglas Street bridge.
>2000: Dental bridge.
>1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
>2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.
>1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
>2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
>1970: Seeds and stems.
>1970: Popping pills, smoking joints.
>2000: Popping joints.
> 1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
> 2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity.
> 1970: Paar
> 2000: AARP
> 1970: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
> 2000: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
> 1970: Killer weed.
> 2000: Weed killer.
> 1970: Hoping for a BMW.
> 2000: Hoping for a BM.
> 1970: The Grateful Dead.
> 2000: Dr. Kevorkian.
> 1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
> 2000: Getting a new hip joint.
> 1970: Rolling Stones.
> 2000: Kidney stones.
> 1970: Being called into the principal's office.
> 2000: Calling the principal's office.
> 1970: Screw the system!
> 2000: Upgrade the system.
> 1970: Peace sign.
> 2000: Mercedes logo.
> 1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
> 2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.
> 1970: Taking acid.
> 2000: Taking antacid.
> 1970: Passing the driver's test.
> 2000: Passing the vision test.
> 1970: "Whatever"
> 2000: "Depends"
THE STUD STORY
by Martin Stone dispatch
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult." "Why?" asketh the Lord. "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and the spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me”
The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's.
The origination of this letter is unknown, but it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on. The one who breaks the chain will have bad luck. Do not keep this letter. Do not send money. Just forward it to five of your friends to whom you wish good luck. You will see that something good happens to you four days from now if the chain is not broken.
ANOTHER BUSH LAWSUIT
by Martin Stone dispatch
AUSTIN, Tx (Dec. 19) - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.
The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."
"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now," said former Secretary James Baker.
Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony she's asked for.
The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with plans to lead protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The "Million Man Mush" is scheduled to leave tomorrow.
"We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said.
Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but a Spokes-elf said he was "deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him. "He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho Ho' for days," said the spokes-elf. "He's just not feeling jolly."
U.S. Supreme Court Overruled by Martin Stone dispatch
December 15, 2000 - 23:47 Universal Time
BREAKING NEWS: SUPREME COURT VERDICT OVERRULED
Bush Presidency To Be "Struck Down"
Washington -- December 15, 2000 -- In a stunning deevelopment, the "one nation, under God" clause of the Pledge of Allegiance has been invoked to overrule this week's Supreme Court decision that handed the White House to George Bush.
In a rare televised news conference appearance, the Lord God said: "I'm not sure where the Supreme Court gets off, but I'm sure as hell not going to lie back and let Bush get away with this crap. I'll show these people who the ultimate authority is!"
"I've watched analysts argue for weeks now that the exact vote count in Florida 'will never be known.' Well, I'm God and I DO know exactly who voted for whom. Let's cut to the chase: Gore won Florida by exactly 20,219 votes."
Shocking political analysts and pundits, God's unexpected verdict overrules the official Electoral College tally and awards Florida to Al Gore, giving him a 289-246 victory. The Bush campaign is analyzing God's Word for possible grounds for appeal.
"God's ruling is a classic over-reach," argued Bush campaign strategist Jim Baker. "Clearly, a divine intervention in a U.S. Presidential Election is unprecedented, unjust, and goes against the constitution of the state of Florida."
"Jim Baker's a pompous has-been," God responded. "He's got some surprises ahead of him, let me tell you. HOT ones, if you know what I mean."
God, who provided the exact vote counts for every Florida precinct, explained that bad balloting machinery and voter confusion were no grounds to give the White House to "a complete idiot."
"Look, only 612 people in Palm Beach County voted for Buchanan. Get real! The rest meant to vote for Gore. Don't believe me? I'll name them: Anderson, Pete; Anderson, Sam, Jr.; Arthur, James; Barnhardt, Ron..."
The Lord then went on to note that he was displeased with George W. Bush's prideful ways and announced that he would officially smite him today. In an act of wrath unlike any reported since the Book of Job, God has taken all of Bush's
goats and livestock, stripped him of his wealth and possessions, sold his family into slavery, forced the former presidential candidate into hard labor in a salt mine, and afflicted him with deep boils.
Dick Cheney will reportedly receive leprosy.
Memo From Santa Claus:
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio,
Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South
Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; However, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips
a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On
Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off." The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see
"Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs
about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You can Shove It."
Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus
( member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. As he wandered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, his back against a tree.
As he slept, two young female French tourists walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. When they came to the source of it, one said," I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."
So she boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him with.
Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us! Let's thank him for the education!" Whereupon, she took a pretty blue ribbon from her hair and gently tied it around what nature had provided to the Scotsman.
Sometime later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He walked around to the other side of the tree, raised his kilt and bewilderment filled his mind at the sight of the bright blue ribbon tied neatly in a bow.
After several moments passed, he said, "I donna know where ya' been lad ... but it's nice ta'see y'won first prize!"
Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.
"Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."
"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" "Oh, $2,000 a week." "Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honourable profession. Where does he practice?"
"Well, he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in Dallas."
Kind of makes you look at things with a new perspective if you take the time ...
A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on one end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master's house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his master's house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.
After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you."
"Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?"
"I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master's house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts," the pot said.
The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the master's house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path."
Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again it apologized to the bearer for it's failure.
The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it.
I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master's table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house."
The Moral of this Story: Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.
You've just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them. There is a lot of good out there. There is a lot of good in you and in me...even though we are "Cracked Pots!"
Vote now, click on the link
FOR COMMENTS ON TODAY'S NEWS PLEASE SEND FEEDBACK TO email@example.com
IF YOU ARE IN THE TEXTILE AND GARMENT BUSINESS AND LOOKING FOR BUYERS IN CANADA Order your copy NOW of the new up-dated version or current listing of the Canadian Garment and Textile Buyers Guide and Industry Textile Book (fabric identification in dictionary form) are available at US$50 per copy.
Important Notice To The Tribune Viewers! We Delete Thousands of Mails Everyday! If you were to send us e-mails, please make sure your identity is properly shown including the subject you are relaying.. It’s our policy not to open attachments which also applies to all our correspondents and contributors.
"Check Our Advertising Rate Card"
It is very important to note following the simple payment instruction at the bottom of the rate card will facilitate posting your ad in The Montreal Tribune.
We are strictly not accepting ads on Dating Service, Multi-Level Marketing known as MLM, Porno, and Gambling.
All commercial ads found on and within this site are picked and selected by our affiliates in the United States of America. For Canadian and Overseas advertising, please refer your inquiry to our general agents for Canada,
This is a non profit, non religious, non political, & non racial online website and here's how you can help us stay on line, advertise or be one of our sponsors. Since we download update news by the hour please view "Yesterday's Front Page". Archives are only maintained 30 days. You may request copies beyond this time line, if available. Thanks
In cooperative Link Service with Canadian Broadcasting Corporation Headline News
All Montreal Tribune Correspondents including those from Overseas are issued Press IDs, and could only be used on assignments, for verification purposes please contact the firstname.lastname@example.org
Copyright © 2014 All Rights Reserved.
The Montreal Tribune ISSN 1186-2165 ® This page is one of the on-line pages of
Signed articles are the responsibility of the writers and not those of the publisher and editors of this publication.
Any communication concerning this site should be addressed to the email@example.com
This is a family friendly website - No Porno, Dating Service, Multiple Marketing and Gambling links Allowed