Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:...
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee...."Welcome aboard Southwest FlightXXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love more."
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to auto pilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault...it was the asphalt!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.
If God meant man to fly, He'd have given him more money.If God meant man to fly, He'd have given us airplane tickets.
If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back -then they get bigger again)
Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.
The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.
Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.
It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.
The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man.... Landing is the first!
Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the air plane another time.
The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
Always remember you fly an air plane with your head, not your hands. Never let an air plane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.
Those who hoot with the owls by night, should not fly with the eagles by day.
A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.
Young man, was that a landing or were we shot down?
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
Trust your captain .... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.
Any pilot who relies on a terminal forecast can be sold the Brooklyn Bridge.
If he relies on winds-aloft reports he can be sold Niagara Falls.
Good judgement comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgement.
Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.
There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.
Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.
Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.
A thunderstorm is never as bad on the inside as it appears on the outside. It's worse.
Son, I was flying air planes for a living when you were still in liquid form.
It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.
A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.
A fool and his money are soon flying more airline than he can handle.
Remember, you're always a student in an airline.
Keep looking around; there's always something you've missed.
Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!
Things which do you no good in aviation: Altitude above you. Runway behind you. Fuel in the truck. Half a second ago. Approach plates in the car. The airspeed you don't have.
Flying is the perfect vocation for a man who wants to feel like a boy, but not for one who still is.
Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a fireplug what it thinks about dogs.
Being an airline pilot would be great if you didn't have to go on all those trips.
Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw!
