Saturday, May.4th/2002

It's high time I make an announcement on this site of just how fucking IN LOVE I am and have been for the past 4 months now. I've been so completely consumed by the nonstop craziness-fiery-passion of this relationship since day one I've not even thought of doing any kind of contribution to this website. I just haven't cared. But I figured I should at least explain my absence, and in so doing also pay a little homage to the love in my life. The love of my life.

I want to be as coherent as possible with this, but I know that will be difficult because, well, damnit, I just get fucking sappy when I try to write about this. I'm going to pull some random quotes from my notebooks and journals over the past few months... try to give some kind of timeline, I guess, of the events that have led up to where we are now. And I'll likely be adding to this over time. Or, really, it's just safe to assume that henceforth everything I do (write, create), here and everywhere, will be tinged with Stanislas.

Stanislas, my love...

We both started school in September, studying music (me guitar, he bass)- and, since the first day I saw him, I have been infatuated with Stan. And my happy and hungry little ego believed he wanted me as much as I wanted him. "Oh yes," thought Crazed Chaara. "This shall be easy. He's already mine. Just watch."

Then I got a rude awakening when I soon caught on to the fact that he had a girlfriend. Well, fuck. Fine. So I set into rigid denial and feigned apathy re: the mesmerizing and unattainable Stanislas Renoir. I probably got a little quietly psycho in the months after that that I spent watching him, waiting for him... "He will be mine, oh yes, he will be mine."

In December, end of last semester, Stan threw a pubnight. I got myself extremely fucked up, and hence: even more determined to get to Stan. Whether or not he had a girlfriend. Fuck that. He is meant to be with me, he just doesn't know it yet. My mission: Make this fact clear to Stan. (Stan will likely jump in here and mention that I was meddling with many people that night, but I maintain that Stan was my #1 goal.)

A month passes, and the new semester begins. I'm beginning to wonder where Stan is. He hasn't been around, hasn't been to classes. On the Wednesday of that week he phoned me. ahhh... sigh. I am a giddy school girl, Stan phoned me! Oooh! Stan phoned me! And... good news for Crazy Chaara: he had recently become available. He and his girlfriend had broken up over the holidays. I managed to sound sympathetic on the phone to him (I think), though really I had simply returned to my "He will be mine" chant.

A couple days later, a Friday (January 11th [I'm a freak for dates]), he was back at school. That night I went over to his place 'to watch movies'. And... we have rarely been apart since that night.

On March 15th we moved in together.

On April 20th Stan threw another semester-end pubnight- Which is where these pictures were taken. (photos by Andy Scheffler)

And life is fucking beautiful. I have never been so thoroughly in love, so damned happy.

(March.30/2002) ---my beautiful life with my beautiful man. I am so very much in love... Living together, spending all our time together, and I never tire of his company. On the rare occasions that we are apart I miss him terribly, just keep thinking about getting back in his company.

Still thrills me, still love to watch him, still look at him and think 'wow. what a wonderful human being. And I get to be with him. He's mine. My man.' There is no one whose company I crave and enjoy as much as his. So many people seem to spend most of their lives hoping to find their True Love, and here I am, 22 years old, and I know I have found mine.