Family gathering tonight. And I want to write how I feel but now I know people actually come here regularly and read this. And that makes me freeze up. It shouldn't though, should it? Lonely people are dangerous.
"People you've been before that you don't want around anymore. They push and shove and won't bend to your will." -E.S.
Why the fuck do I keep ending up in some hidden corner of the party crying on my own? Why?! What is this about? I don't cry a lot these days. But I have broken down fucking crying at two consecutive family gatherings now.
My great aunt Gloria took Nadia and I aside and played us the recording of this session she had, what would it be called? With a psychic? A channeler? Trying to contact her dead husband. And Jeremy. A distant cousin of mine who killed himself in June.
And I don't feel that it would be fair to say that wuz what got me crying. I barely knew Jeremy. I can't even remember him now! And that is what is fucking driving me mad. I can't remember him. Which one wuz he? What the hell is wrong with me that I can't even place him? I feel so fucking awful for that. And I feel even worse that I seem to be crying over him. I feel like he's around here going "What's up with you?! You didn't even know me! And you're here fucking sobbing on a bathroom floor 'for' me? Get over it."
Nadia. I wanted to grab her and talk to her alone. That's not right actually I wanted to cry with her. Why have I been crying at family gatherings? I'm there locked in the bathroom, sobbing on the floor, against the wall. I get up and check myself in the mirror. Do I look sane? Do I look like I've been crying? And I fall back down crying again. This happens a few times before I just go back out there and keep my head down while I put my boots on to leave.
Back at the car my mom wouldn't unlock the door for me.
"What? Oh, you want in? Huh? You want me to open the door?"
Fuck it. I take the bus home.
On the bus I ran into a guy I went to school with. He had candy, and shared with me. (Thanx Sean)
Why doesn't Jeremy want me to say anything about him here?
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry!
I want to pay homage to him and I don't know how to.
I fucking want to say something to him.
"Look on down from the bridge... "