I'll Think Of Something

November Third
1999

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I will die, wither away from this, exposure to smalltalk. It will be the death of me. No doubt. Yuck. So very tiresome. I just writhe and wriggle in my head try to get away. Just shut up. Give me a reason to stay here or let me go. Please.

So, I'm letting some people down because I haven't yet taken over like I said I would.
What can I say? I can't help you. I'd love to but-

Four street lights went out as I walked under them last night. The weather is so miserably ugly. It takes 15 minutes by car to get to my music lesson. 30 minutes by bike. And TWO HOURS by bus. No joke. Two hours. I don't want to think how much of my life has been wasted crying at bus stops in the rain. I'm going to bomb translink headquarters. I am going to take a baseball bat to their president's Porsche.

"Don't you dare disturb me. Don't complicate my peace of mind.
...cuz you can't help but hurt me.
I may not seem quite right.
But I'm not fucked,
not quite."

-Elliott Smith

Trippy episode of North of 60 yesterday. Whoah. "Peter and the Wolf". It wuz almost Lynchian. (as in David Lynch) Fucked up. Wow.
Watched "Dance Me Outside" last night also. Good movie. Funny and sad. Life.
I just remembered watching the Crying Game at a friend's house, five of us, her parents included, all squished onto one couch to watch the Crying Game. And I wuz the only one who knew ..The Secret.

I want all these idiots to go away. And I want all the great ones to stay. Sick of the stupid people who cling to me. And sick of the good people not being near enough.

I put money in my pocket. I go for walks. I feel watched.

You are not worth my time. You know who you are. Don't fuck with me.

Jesus, my hotmail inbox is loaded with spam. I feel like killing these people. Fuck off!! No I am not planning on retiring in the next year. No I don't have a product I want to use your fucking company to sell. No I don't want to see your goddamned hardcore porn site. I want to find out where these assholes live and start phoning them while they're eating dinner and ask them questions like "When did you last buy a newspaper from a newsbox?" and "Would you consider buying twenty two gallons of turtle wax?" These are the assholes participating in the "make money while you surf!" schemes. I want them killed along with BC Transit. It is a crime against beauty. They should be arrested for unjustified, selfishly motivated, obsessive, repetitive acts of ugliness.
Stay the fuck away from me.

Infinet, this shitty net provider I have been bitching about for the past three weeks, is cutting me off on Monday. Have I already mentioned that? Whatever will Chaara do? Just thought I'd let you know, I won't be around for a while. Meaning, when I get back I'll have all those fucking SPAM messages to contend with in my hotmail account. Ugh.
Don't know what kind of net service I'll be getting to replace this one. I would obviously love cable, but I don't even have cable TV. And a cable connection for the internet costs even more than for TV. How hypocritical that would be...

I might mention that my birthday is 20 days away...

When my mother checks the phone messages and no one has called for us she says
"Nobody loves us."
Every time.

It's depressing.

Walked in the rain today. "Take your hat off when you're talkin' to me." -Belly. My pants cuffs are still wet. "I know all this and more." I ate really good homemade bread and I read. Boring jobs are good for feeding the reading habit. Nummy. I wuz such a genius last night. Finished off a 4track thing, song. My Naked Life. When I finish a song I want to send it to whoever I am most pissed off at at that moment as a sort of FUCK YOU. Like "Look, motherfucker. I kick ass. And you are still just... YOU."

"Again I lay awake, and I cried, because of ways I'd love to. But only with you. Only with you. Now I've had enough. I've had more than could be my rightful share, of nights I cannot bare... So again I lay awake, in a trance. I just want my chance. But only with you."
-Morrissey
"I'd Love To"

"I think of how people can betray me simply by not caring enough to hide the fact of how little they care." -Douglas Coupland