I Didn't Understand


10/21/99

Elliott Smith. Jesus, I wish he would put out something that sucks. He is too pure. Genius. I want to know that he is capable of bad musical judgement-calls. Please, come on Elliott, I love your music, I support you wholeheartedly. But my fragile little musical ego cannot handle how fucking gifted, talented, pure you are. A God. God in music. Ohhh...


I'll be standing on the beach with my guitar.

I woke up so slowy this morning (afternoon), coming in and out of this drippy and droopy loopy translucent dream of ..Jim Morrison. Me and a bunch of old schoolmates are on some trek, and they are all ahead of me, I can't keep up. At first I try to keep up then I just don't care anymore. We're looking for a lake. They all go down some path. Long and steep, downhill, that leads to The Lake. I am at the top of the path, I still have to go all the way down there before I will get to swim. (oh, pity me here) Then I see them all trying to make their way back up the hill, cuz it wuz the wrong path. So I am suddenly in a position of advantage, I'm ahead of them. I end up finding The Lake first, and jumping right in. Though this lake is actually some house, with a couple feet of water throughout it, and I'm swimming around in it. Happy as a... Something happy. That swims. Till I nearly cut myself on some broken beer bottle hidden in the murky water, I never think to just get the damn thing out of the water, so I can swim carefree.

We go out into the back yard and start watching this video, of Jim Morrison. He's all fucked up on whatever drugs.. (oh dear, now radiohead has set into the "I wanna be Jim Morrison" song [anyone can play guitar]) and Jim's in his molasses drawl, expounding slow wisdom on a small backyard picnic scene. All these 60's-bandmemberpeople there too (I wish it wuz the sixties... I can't help that I have cliche' dreams), and the backyard in the film is the same backyard we are sitting in to watch the film. And I am sitting exactly where Jim is/was. I'm staring at this film, totally transfixed. And everyone else wanders away. "What the hell is he talking about?"

...I woke up to Jim Morrison's voice on the radio saying "So... now there's going to be... a TRIAL.. And I'll... probably get ..a suit. A really nice suit... And.. a tie. Paisley..or uh..... not.. one of those skinny ones... I think, ..I'll get ..one of those, really wide ties..." And the DJ is snickering as he plays this sound bite... And I am feeling like a freak. And Texas radio and the big beat. And I fall back to sleep. And I can't swim in the water in the lake in the house anymore, it's no longer deep. It's not deep enough. Nothing is deep enough anymore. I wanna be Jim Morrison.



The Most

I found this amusing: I filled out one of those silly little quiz things that asks for song titles, and names of friends, etc. The song that supposedly "says the most about how I see the world" (or somesuch) wuz "I Didn't Understand", by Elliott Smith. The song that supposedly "says the most about my mind" wuz "Sick of Myself" (Matthew Sweet).

I think that pretty much sums things up right there.