Look And Feel

I will only complicate you



I want a party, I can feel again!
"... in my skin, there's a piece of me dies everyday. I know I'm nothing. I know there's nothing I can say... "

Though parts of me are not entirely responsive yet, at least everything is clearer. And I think I'll get it all back. Shit that wuz scary. The loss of a sense, and the outside world couldn't care less. How would my not being able to receive touch effect anyone? That Metallica video that gave me nightmares in junior high...
I could see messy public breakdowns already. Some Scent of a Woman thing, "I'm in the dark here!"
What Goddamn maddening frustrating torture that wuz. I could imagine intimacy, and not feeling hands on me. I wuz imagining a see-you-again scene, with your hand on my lower back and I'd want to kiss you but it wouldn't make a difference.

I feel now like I have gained a sense, one I didn't have before. I'm lucky, yeah, lucky girl. And I won't take advantage of the blessed Sense of Touch again. No no no. But the whole pot thing... I know myself enough to know that if there is pot around me tonight I'll be smoking it. Yeah I'm stupid, stupid girl.

My mom just came in here looking svelt in a long black velvet gown asking my opinion. "Good year for hunters and Christmas parties..." She's got a party to go to.

I'm heading out to see Jasmyn at her new apartment. I only just woke up a couple hours ago. (It's six pm now.) I think that long coma wuz what I needed to regain epidermis conciousness. Though I wuz up super late last night trying to get songs through Napster. So many great songs! And my connection is so slow that I can only get about two or three a fucking hour. (oxyhemogoblin!) Yet I had all these songs queued up, waiting for their turn to download, and that turn never came. (Tori, Pj, Elliott, Radiohead, Fugees, Lauryn Hill, Sinead O'Connor, The Devlins, Tupac [tupac!], and yes, Tool)

I got into bed around seven am probably. My mom wuz just waking up.

I had typed up some rant of the day last night, but I decided against putting it on the site cuz I wuz pretty far gone as I wrote it. I may edit it and add it here later. Right now I've got to go catch a bus to Jasper's. (Sorry, I mean Jasmyn's.) Tom Waits sings "the seas are stormin' and you can't find no port, you got to come on up to the house..."