never press that button

there has got to be someone who hasn't yet become so numb

Dec. 3, 1999


Again I have gone and pressed the wrong fucking button and all that I have typed has vanished. I am pissed off. And this here program does not give the option of "undo".

I am so freaked out, scared because I still cannot FEEL. I want my body back! This is so maddening. My skin is not alive. My skin is not a part of me. I am terrified this could be permanent.
Brain damage?
Nerve damage?

What would I tell a doctor?
"I needed a power-sleep, so I took four gravol pills and smoked half a joint. And now my whole body's outer layer of skin is NUMB. Which usually happens when I'm stoned, but it goes away. I've been stuck in this unreceptive covering for, let's see... about thirty six hours now. What the fuck is going on?!"

And the doctor says, "Well, that sucks. Sorry, but you're fucked. Next time just say no."



I thought it had gone away this morning. But no. This is feeling stroke-like. And effected my fucking motor skills. Interesting since on Saturday at Adrian's, baked on his stash, I wuz thinking "I have full empathy at this moment for cenile elderlies." That's what I felt like. Something to laugh at from the view of the outside world, but inside I'm going, "No, no! Hear me out! Please. I am trying to be coherent, I'm trying. Please, please understand me. Please don't laugh at me. Please."

Why does pot fuck me up so damn much? It's such a little wimpy baby in the vast world of drugs. It's tylenol. It's Nyquil. It's ...shoplifting. Whereas cocaine would be assault. It's petty theft to heroin the Unabomber. Why does it fuck me up so beyond belief?

If ever I regain my sense of touch I can see stupid me grabbing the hammer and whacking at my head many more times. Pot that is so easy to acquire. Pot that comes to you. Pot is too easy to do.

I get bored with the constant hard-edged drudgerous sludge of reality so I reach for something to change that, and pot waves it's arms in the air and says, "Chaara! I'm here for you." Okay. Thanx.

It's just pot afterall.

Touching my own flesh is like touching someone else's. This foriegn body, soft, pliable skin. I am that unfeeling. I can't receive. And it feels like it is only getting worse.

I am so freaked out. I want to be whole again.