BEAUTIFUL BITCH

Hey, I'm okay. You've got the problem.

"Look at me I'm up a tree, again."

12.25.99

I didn't ask, I don't need to know.

I asked my girlfriend if she'd mind and she said 'go for it' too. Which might have been reassuring or freeing to someone else but you know what it says to me, my girlfriend tells me to go for it, it means "Hey, yeah, you're mine, but I don't really care if you're someone else's as well. Whatever."

I can play it cool with that, I can be aloof. Of course I wanted a jealous rage... But that only happens with the weak ones. "You're mine!" I don't think so.

So off I will go.

In my head I am leaving a trail of broken hearts, in saddened bodies, tangled in twisted sheets... But in reality it's just my indifferent libido-lacking girlfriend. "beautiful bitch" My fucking status-boosting girlfriend. She looks so cute at my side when she runs into old friends in those new-agey bookstores and vegan hippie food stores she takes me to. And she seems so cold and witty. You'd think. But she's just cold.

I know I talk big... but let me just tell you this now. No one knows she and I are together. None of my friends. No one of my family. I have always talked like the world could go fuck itself if it came to this, but it has and I am a passive fucking pussy.

"He only grows for guys he knows. And me."

"Got a haircut, got a silver tooque.. Gonna get myself arrested." -gomez

You know how blind I get when I think I'm in love? Do you know how one-track-mind I am when I am all hungry-lusting-crazed? I don't care about anything at all. I am homeless, broke, starving, naked, and I'm meeting my woman tonight and she is gonna give me some magic. All is right with the world as far as I can see. You weren't going to tell me otherwise were you? Good luck convincing me of that. I can't hear you. I really can't. You know what I'm hearing.

"Night banishes shame.
Wine and love
Take care of fear."

-OVID

"It's gonna rain when I get home."

"Why did you choose to deceive me?
Was your plan just to kiss, fuck and leave me?"

I want to stay drunk all the time. That perfect level of loose and joyous drunk. All the time. And I want to take her with me. We fell in lust in drunkenness, we don't know what the hell to make of eachother when we are sober and trying to walk around in the world. What is this irritating sexless being next to me? If we aren't going to be tipping wine bottles and coolers back into smiling faces and slipping sweetly into languid sensuality at a later hour I don't want to waste any more time next to this person. Where conversation begins to fall stale, just let touch talk. But...

"situations get fucked up... feel like shit the morning after..." -e.s.

Life and lovin'.