I'm a widow

looking down the barrel

Wednesday, December first. 1999


Ugh. Days and days. Rainy days.

I just went to that fucking band site and read some reviews of the two songs of mine that I have there (conversation and homewrecker). Way to destroy your musical self-esteem. Holy God. "I can laugh about it now, but at the time it wuz terrible." Comments like "too many drugs, obviously", "what the hell are you doing dude?", "give the singer a beer", and "very strange bad trip".

And it gets worse. I don't even want to get into the rest of the reviews. They only get more wicked mean spiteful. (Though someone in Hamilton said, "I LOVE IT!" about 'conversation'. He/she's from fucking Hamilton. That says something, surely.) I'm laughing out loud as I read them, then five minutes later I'm wondering why I feel like shit. "Oh right, cuz I suck." That's the end of my support for that concept.

Did anyone ever really even like my music? I can't remember now. Jesus. That hurts.

Got a call from some cafe today. I don't even remember who I faxed my resume out to yesterday, but I guess that cafe wuz one of the places. So I've got an interview tomorrow morning. an interview tomorrow morning an interview tomorrow morning an interview

I didn't even catch the name of the cafe till probably the third time the woman I talked to said it. It wuzn't until she gave me directions to get there that I realized it's the same cafe this guy (I guess you could say) I dated about a year ago worked. How awkward.

I remember we had arranged to meet at his work and I got lost and got there probably an hour after we were supposed to meet. He had gotten off work early to go out with me, but he had to wait around till I showed up. And I am always late.

He doesn't work there anymore. (Or I'd have scrambled to find a reason I couldn't go to the interview. Not that I have anything against the guy, it would just be really uncool and uncomfortable to me.) But I'm such a paranoid spazz, what if the people who still work there remember me?

Bleah. At least the idea of getting out of this job I am in now is making things more sunny in my little world. Being stuck in an dull, ugly rut can be downright fun if you have the feeling that you are going to be getting the hell out soon.

My present boss asked me today if I could walk the kids to school tomorrow morning. I said I couldn't cuz I have a job interview in the morning.
Damn, that felt good.

"With her charcoal eyes and Monroe hips,
she went and took that California trip."

-Tom Waits

Talking to Nadia via icq at the moment and I'm listening to Tom Waits. This is her album, I've had it for two or three months now... Must return it. (sorry Nadia, I keep forgetting.)

I woke up the other day desperately craving spinach and artichoke dip from Milestone's. I must have some of that, and soon. It is so good. I want to bring Nadia out to have some, if she's not familiar with it yet...

Comedy Of Manners

I suppose I should go to sleep early since I have to get up early, for that interview.
I feel like I'm in drag when I do this whole job searching thing.
"Hello! I am a trick pony! Tell me to jump, I will ask you 'how high?'! I will maintain this big fake smile for the duration of this painful meeting! And when this is over (please be soon) we will both walk away and cringe and try to shake this terrible experience from our psyche's! Joy! ... By the way, please hire me."

Oh God.

I wuz just thinking about that guy I met a couple months ago who I've been corresponding with. The 'letters not phonecalls' guy. And though he seems cool, I just don't care. What the fuck is this? How boring. And sexless. We write letters to eachother that don't allude to grander things or further places to venture. Just letters. And I do love letters. So why does this just get on my nerves? I know why, I just don't want to admit it. What's in it for me?

Chaara is freaking out about this job interview.
Chaara is not happy that life has come to such common things.
Chaara is having an anxiety attack just thinking about this.
Chaara wants to get this over with.
Chaara hopes it turns out well.

Talking on the phone with that woman wuz not cool. I felt like the insolent child that I am. "Yeah maybe I'll make it to the interview, I gotta talk to my parole officer." I am either a cunt or a squealing little girl on phones. Neither is very beneficial to me.

I just want a way to be there but not there. I've been thinking over what I should ingest. A few shots of Tequila before I set out in the morning? Smoke something now and still be all fuzzy in the morning? Or should I just not sleep? That usually has interesting results... This is such an ugly and weird and seriously terrifying scenario to me. I hate that something so simple reduces me to this freaked out recluse.

Thinking of Nadia, Laurel and I, and our whole triplet birthday thing. Twenty years and we have never celebrated our birthdays together. We've never been in the same city on our birthdays. We are now, but I know we won't be, all three, getting together to celebrate. Laurel and I are not really getting along. I can't remember why now, but I'm sure it wuz a big deal at the time.
Oh, now I remember. Oh yeah.
Well, she and I have always rubbed eachother the wrong damn way. We're just not... compatible really. Conflict of personalities. And we are both fully indignant and self-righteous in our respective stances on whatever is going on between us at a given time. And her way of dealing with these issues is so authoritive and school-counsellor/strict parent. It's torture. I would far prefer to not really interact with a person than to endure such an insult to human interaction as that.

Shit, I had meant to expose how silly/petty whatever we were not speaking to eachother about wuz but now I'm all pissed off again! That failed.

I just attempted to make myself a salad. I'm a bad vegetarian. That wuz awful. How do you fuck up a salad? I just did. Yuck.

All the money in the world is not enough.

I've quoted that one enough. I'm going hunting.

"If travel is searching, and home what's been found -
I'm not stopping."

- bjork