no one deserves it

not doing too well

Saturday, February.5th, 2000

"Only you can calm me down-
I'm aiming too high."

"I'm so angry, I don't think it will ever pass."

Salt n' Pepa & En Vogue's "Whatta Man" playing... Fucking great this song is. Though I remember when it came out it wuz ...very bad in my eyes. The epitome of joke music of the time. Now it's just fabulous and I am so into it.

I've got "Playing By Heart" reeling in me now... Fuck fuck I am not able to talk fucking straight right now. Things I want and can't fucking have. What the fuck went wrong? Why can't I get anything that I want NOW? I am in a LACK season. A long spell of "Not for you, Chaara. Not for you." I always get what I want, eventually. But I fucking want it NOW.

Yer pissing me off. You knew very well what I came for, what the hell did you think you were proving by deliberately not supplying that very thing?

I can't shake the revulsion these books are giving me of sexuality in general. These feeble-souled fucking addle-brained asses thinking they are 'celebrating' sex but are fully cheapening it... Henry fucking Miller. And Leonard Cohen's mistake. "Experimental" is another word for "shitty and overrated".

And I will regret writing that, because it would have been so much more fun to say.

No e-mail, for days. Sad little world. I'm going offline for a while. Save that $23 a month that is costs me to check my fucking email and waste away in weary icq conversations.

"Chaara, you're just stressed out.
You're stressed out cuz you're bored."