Widow of a Living Man
I'm not benefiting anymore.
I am not liking the internet at all these days. It feels like a duty to even turn my computer on, dial-up, check my email, load icq, all of this... is feeling so endless. And stupid. A waste of time. And even more depressing is that I wouldn't be doing a whole lot else with that time. I just don't like doing this.
So I come here now, I've got things on my mind I need to write down. But I'm so weak. Weary. Tired. Worn. What's the damn point? I'm out of focus!! (What movie is that?) Robin Williams' character is out of focus, he's blurry, no one else around him is. It's just him. "Honey, I'm... out of focus!" And his kids are laughing at him. "Ha ha! Daddy's out of focus!" "Leave your father alone!" "Stop that! I don't need that! Stop it! I can fix it. I'll fix it."
I need a whole lot of something. And/or a complete absence of something else. ('wondering, what could peace of mind be like?' -moz)
"I don't know what I'm hungry for. -REM
I don't know what I want anymore."
Jesus this is not the right music to be listening to when one is feeling ...out of focus. Ben Harper's "Homeless Child", "Roses From My Friends", "Alone", and "Widow of a Living Man" over and over...
"mama, why does he treat me so cold? Why do I feel so old?"
"Sometimes I feel I know strangers better than I know my friends."