goodbye, so long. I'm gone already

used to be so sweet

I wuz a child then!

Tuesday, 30 November, 1999

"Don't talk to me about people who are nice. I have spent my whole life in ruins because of people who are 'nice'." -Moz

I am hooked up yet again to 'infinet'. I bitched about their slow net connection when I had it last, but all the other places I called were useless assholes. "Dial up net service? For a month? Uh... let me connect you to ... someone else." And on like this till I wuz swearing at people. "Let me transfer your call to-" "No! You're gonna talk to me bitch! I want a month of net service. Just one month. And for that month I do not want Lou the repair dude to come to my house and have to fuck around with my PC. I just want you to go "tada!" and give me my damn connection. I'll send a cheque." "Right... Let me connect you to ..." "Nope. You've failed. Goodbye."

So I called up infinet and talked to them for maybe five minutes and I wuz online ten minutes after I hung up with them. "I don't have a credit card, can I write you a cheque?" "Sure." So they have my loyalty now. (Though only until Dec.29th, the day I get cut off once again.)

I would have just gone and gotten the cable or dsl or adsl connection but that's so permanent, and I am preoccupied with the moving out idea. I'll get that fabulous connection once I find fabulous accomadations.

I have to go out into the world today. Public. (Well, suburban public. Which isn't as serious as... any other kind.) I have a music lesson, I plan to get Bohdan to start teaching me piano again. I have so little patience though. I don't want to learn to read music. I just want to play. Teach me more chords, more little tricks and sweet sounds that I can take on intuitively. I hate learning to read music. At least with piano. When I played violin I didn't really read music. I just saw the notes on the pages and knew that they meant " "first finger, that string", "second finger, that string, third position". Only on a few notes would I actually know if it wuz C or D or whatever. It wuz easy enough to learn to call them by name, but I didn't want to. I don't know why...

Y Kant Chaara Read

Okay, I have to go program my VCR then get on a bus (mental hospital waiting room on wheels. Purgatory in [slow] motion) headed to my mission to learn piano without learning to read music.

Also have to fax some copies of my resume to places. I put a picture of me on my resume. The one that is in the "away" archives section of these rants. Me at a typewriter when I wuz about three or four. So my potential employer can say, "By gosh this girl's cute! I must hire her!"


What a hollow world this www thing is.
There is someone I want to contact, but I'm not cuz I want to be aloof. All casual like, you know. "Oh, hey... How's it goin'? I forgot about you..." When really I'm thinking, "Come to mama."

(Oh I'll just say hello... Just a little 'hi'. I can hope that "Are you now out of my potential grasp?" will be heard and answered in that. Don't go away yet.)

Went to the mall today. I don't like malls. Faxed some resumes.

Ran into a girl I used to go to school with, who has the same birthday as me. (we celebrated my 17th, her 16th birthday together) "Hey Chaara! Happy birthday!" "You too." And she tells me, in about 50 metres of walking (within the mall still), what is new in her life. The condensed version.

"I moved back to Coquitlam. (from Surrey. The ghetto of BC as far I'm concerned. Bleah to Surrey) I have a little baby boy, Quinlan, he's seven months old. I'm still with ______ (insert boyfriend's name, I've forgotten). I'm taking some courses at Douglas College, I may transfer to Capilano for the next semester. What's new with you?"

"Uh... Not much. Not as much as that anyway."

Dude, whaddya say to all that?

The baby thing anyway. What? She has a kid!

And thinking about it, she is one of those people who could totally deal with it. She can handle things. She conducts her surroundings well. She'll be happy. She won't get fucked over. She'll be fine. She's already fine actually.

(Just as Joel RL Phelps sings "everything's going to be fine, fine, fine...")

Bohdan taught me some piano tricks. He's such a teacher, It's great. I wuz going to tell him I wanted piano immersion. I wanted piano discipline. A "shine" scenario. But I didn't need to. He kicks into that mode anyway. The demanding piano teacher. If I hadn't known him for so long I would be scared of that intense teacher mode.

On the bus home, two skate punks across from me, one said to the other (in total seriousness);
"What's your goal for today?" The other guy says, "What?"
"You've got to set a goal for yourself and do it. What's your goal for today?"

I couldn't fucking believe I wuz hearing that. From these two punk ass skate board weilding kids. I don't know if I thought it wuz really cool or if it signified the end of the world to me.

Thankfully their following goals included long lists of obscure skate tricks they wanted to perfect. No "I want to learn to communicate better with my family" or any suffocating school counsellor endorsed cliche's like that. Nevertheless I wuz looking at the goal-setting boy and thinking "Oooh, I wanna sex you up". That wuz my goal, if you may. But alas, I did not realize that goal. And it wuz fleeting anyway. I'm over it now.

Ran into some guys I went to elementary school with (on the bus). All of us still living at home. Still out here in the boonies. At first there is slight bitching about that fact and then we all bubbled over with, "But I love it here!"

And now Chaara has simply run out of things to say.
Seemingly in mid-thought.