...the mute and the mule; the mule and the mute.

Friday, 12 November, 1999
6:03 PM

"If you get a feeling it's time you see me, do me a favour and let me know. Cuz it's hard to tell, it's hard to say 'oh well, okay'." -Elliott Smith

Some guy who took a picture of me sitting and reading by the fire place at the library. Came over to me after the click and mumbled something, half coherently, about the way the light shone on my hair. I don't care. Hey, whatever. Just put the picture up somewhere. I'll come see it and smile, or frown. To see what others may see. Chaara who sits and reads. Not much else that I've seen. Not all drunk and glamorous. Just sitting, reading. And, hey, wuzn't she rather scantily clad for reading in a library? I don't think so. And what the? How to spell... I miss my net connection. My mother has been bringing her friends over with increasing frequency. And I am liking them less and less. I remember being fifteen and enjoying their company. Like an extended family? Like friends of my own. Ones I didn't have in my own age group. How sad. How Lisa Simpson. People who don't have parole officers. How novel. And now I'm losing my patience. I don't care about them. Wish they would stop trying to "connect" with me. Their trite conversations drive me to the floor. Literally. Talk on, ye middle age, middle class, I will lie here on the kitchen floor, because it would be rude to leave. I think. Blaaaa. Sheep. Shut up. If I had my net connection I would have more reason to stay exactly where I am. In front of this computer screen. I am quite content here. Though I know I would be more so if I had my sweet icq, etc back.

Oh laugh laugh laugh! oh funny things.

Damn, I watched Degrassi High today. You know, it only gets better with age. And it is far more interesting the older the characters get. Today, oh my God, Shane I think is his name. You know, the father of Spike's baby. The guy who did acid at the Gourmet Scum concert and jumped off a bridge. (I can't help but picture this little bridge about five feet above the water somewhere in Penticton, and how could he be this fucked up from that? I just now realized that they likely meant to imply a bridge of Lions Gate proportions. Anyways... ) Well, he's out of the hospital now, and he's visiting Degrassi, cuz he's in a "special" school now. He wants to see Spike. You would have to see the damn show I suppose to know how fucking funny I found it, He's all 'rain man', and every time he gets upset he yells, "I hope you get kicked in the head!" Oh My God, I laughed so hard! Of course, you're not supposed to be laughing. This is indicitive of the perils of acid use, according to CBC television. So, it's very serious. Right. Yes. Jesus though. Man, I wuz laughing so hard. I couldn't fucking stop! Laughing halfway through the fucking commercial break, and I am laughing my ass off even now, just visualing it. Him standing there, Dustin Hoffman-like, in the hall, hands at his side, plastic bag in one hand, limp there, and yelling "I hope you get kicked in the head!"
Hahahaha!!!!!! Oh man. Am I so cruel?

I don't know why, but I can totally see an old friend of mine doing exactly that. TJ, did he do that some time? Did he see that episode and make fun of it? Is that why I can so fully see him doing exactly that? Standing still and tall and lanky and lost in a school hallway yelling "I hope you get kicked in the head!", then buckling with laughter, remembering the Shane character's conviction? Or have I built that image entirely in my mind?

"I'm in a special school now."
"Good. That's good Shane."

I didn't know anything could make me laugh that hard.

That wuz the last of the hangover remains of the Old Days of Degrassi. Where each episode's LESSON wuz so concrete and condescending. "If you steal you won't get to go to the concert." "If you trust that handsome boy he will get you pregnant." "If you hitchhike some weird guy will hit on you." "If you disobey your parents they will die in a car crash." "If you do acid you will jump off a bridge and end up in a special school, and when you come back to visit your old school you'll stand in the hallways and yell 'I hope you get kicked in the head!' at your ex-school-mates."

You know, all the moral cliche's.

Shows that aren't meant to be funny at all are usually the funniest. Fuck that, anything that's not meant to be funny usually is. And all things desperately aiming to amuse are usually the saddest.

Okay, I'm going to steal Spike's new boyfriend Patrick. He's mine. I love him.

Watching Degrassi, you've got to place yourself somewhere in the school's heirarchy. Who would you hang out with? Who would be your friends? This is fun! I can see it now. Man, I wanna live in Degrassi episodes. Let's see... I know that I would walk around with this forced aura of "I've got shit goin' on", and I would only engage in small, fleeting, vague, non-committal conversations in order to maintain that aura. (Hey, that's a bit Joey Jeremiah-esque, now that I think about it. Shit.) I would probably be friends with that eating disorder girl, Kathleen. The bitchy one with the abusive boyfriend. Her and that girl with the braces. Both of them are idiots who I hate. But I know that if I were in that school I would have been "friends" with them. And I would have hated every minute of it. All the while I'd be watching Spike and Liz, thinking "Let me in. You are so cool." But making sure to destroy any oppurtunity to actually befriend them. And I would madly, and hopelessly, flirt with that fabulous Patrick. Hoping against hope that he would fall for me, maybe leave Spike (sorry sweetheart) and I would be his muse. "Oh Christine... I mean Chaara. Your hand in mine.... I love you." Purrr... If I couldn't have Spike at least I'd have her boyfriend. But I wouldn't get him. He's too cool. Then I'd ditch my loser friends. Bitchy anorexic Kathleen and the others. They'd think I had other shit going on, and I wouldn't dispute them on that. And I'd drop out just before graduation, and anyone who asked why, I would just allude to some thing that I've got going on. I'm busy. With other things. Moving on. Nice knowing you. And they wouldn't even question it.

"Good. That's good Chaara."

"Yeah. Bye Spike... " Pout, pout. Cry, cry. And I never even got to know you. Spike! I love you! I think the Pogues are cool too! Or, I could learn to... I'll get the t-shirt!
Late night, Maudlin Street... "with every hand waving me on, secretly wishing me gone..." -moz

Then in a little while, when I'm a forgotten casualty of highschool fuck-ups and regrets, I'll show up in the hallways. Rain Woman. And I'll be yelling, "I hope you get kicked in the head!"

What's funny is sad. What's sad is funny.

7:13 PM