4:04 PM 10/25/02 sitting here in davids room watching naked girls flit by on his computer screen and im not even excited. not one bit aroused and not one naughty thought. just a sense of depression that keeps getting worse. is that so wrong?

i came home and was struck by a weird oddnes. im not sure what was going on . im not sure that anything was going on. i really hope not. id hate to be disappointed in two friends. not at all what i expected. again, i hope not. if its true, then there is one good thing that i can say about it. at least the shit isnt hitting my life in this one. a different part of me wonders, why not me?

when i left work today allen took my key. im jobless and its not great at all. now i need to find another job, joy.

Laying here
playing
dumb games
It doesnt matter.
To each
To own
that sort of thing
respect
more was thought
disappointment
none was sought.
heres to hope
the mind will wander

i can hear them over there. reminds me of myself last night. last night turned into another decision time for me. i stayed my course and took, for me, the path most traveled. other firsts occurred, i think that im swiftly approaching a point where there will only be one first left for me. why am i waiting? what am i waiting for? will it be worth it? is it a noble thing, to wait? ignoble? honorable? respectful? dumb? irrational? illogical? to answer:
Noble - I think so.
Ignoble - I'm not ashamed of it at all.
Honorable - I've been led to believe so.
Respectful - Very, I think.
Dumb - Some might say so. I disagree. As would my mother
Irrational - Not really, I've put a lot of rational reasons behind the choice, I think.
Illogical - Again, no.

My mother stopped by today. I invited her to look at my room, which I'm rather proud of (its clean, which is so unlike me.) She said "Are there naked girls in there?"
"There was one last night."
"Good." I imagine that she was saying that it was good that there were no currently naked girls in there. She went to the back and into the bedroom, commented on the cleanliness and said, "Who was the naked girl, Krystle?"
"Yeah."
"You're not sleeping with her are you?"
"No, mom, I'm not sleeping with her."
"Good. I want you to do it right when you do it. I feel she would let you and I know how conniving girls can be."
"Alright mom, thanks."

i was an asshole to krystle today. i feel bad for it. she came here to see me and i avoided her all day. i dont really feel that im an asshole by nature, but when i dont know how else to go about something i tend to turn into one.

i have a sign in my bedroom. on one side it says SELF SERVE; on the other side it says FULL SERVE. its turned into an innuendo over time. currently it says self serve. someday i will turn it around. on that day may all fathers and all mothers buy a chastity belt and a padlock for their daughters, for the silence will have been broken, never to be silenced again... or something like that.

i wrote a letter to samantha once. it was a letter that said a lot about me, how i felt and what i was scared of. i gave it to her one night. she read it and gave it back to me to keep safe. she dint dare take the chance that her husband might find it. she wanted me to keep it so that that wouldnt happen. i just read it again. how sad. im laying here debating whether to give it back or no. i want to talk to her. oh, ive talked with her since we went our ways but i want a real conversation with her. im scared where something like that might lead though. there are two girls ive spoken with who dont think very highly of her. i dont understand why. i found no faults in her. she even brought me breakfast one morning. i just thought of one fault. she cheated on her husband. with me, so were both equal. i truly did care for her. prolly still do if i would let myself analyze it. i had a conversation with a dear friend about her once. this friend brought up the notion that i, to samantha, was something new. and new things are always interesting. i thought about that for some time. i discussed it with samantha. she agreed, but said that she dint think i fit that. i begin to wonder though. one thing thats been on my mind is something she had said to me. i asked her, during one of our many serious conversations, if she had already made the decision to leave him and was just waiting for the right time to do so. she said "i have," and cried. yet shes trying to repair things with him. i was under the belief that she had made that choice independently, without me as an influence. to give her credit, and not taint her fair image, she did once say that i was that time. crying. why did i ever get involved with a married chick? so sad.

its so cold in my house. weve no heat. [update. we now have heat.] im wearing insulated pants, a shirt, sweatshirt and a coat. my fingers can hardly hold this pen. oh yeah, most of my new updates will be written a while before they are actually put up. i have gotten in the habit of writing in a notebook each day and each night. fun, somewhat. a bore, sometimes. a chore, never.

talked with samantha today. that went... it went. we talked for a bit. i guess i never showed her what i thought of her. or she never saw it.

"Please, Doc, don't tell her I'm in love with her," I pleaded.
Doc looked askance. "This I would never do, Peekay. Absoloodle. To be in love is very private business."
The Power of One
Bryce Courteney, 1989