5:07 PM 10/15/02 10-13
having had a taste of what is available to me, somewhere, i find myself obsessed with it. i need the feeling of somone caring for me as much as i care for them. im living in a constant fluctuation of depressions, minor through to major. quite pathetic, perhaps.

i went to my old place of work today. with bad intentions. when i had gone in yesterday i received a sweet, seductive smile. i went back today hoping to receive the same. fortunately i dint receive it. i cant go back to that. i cant go back without her situation, and agenda, changing.

10-14
sometimes i feel like crying. i feel like crying so bad that it embarasses me. its not a manly thing to do. not something i enjoy doing. certainly not something to take pride in doing.

friday night ive a girl sleeping in my bed. for this reason i took my blankets to my mothers house to wash them. on the off-chance that they might stink and all. my dumbass left them there. ive no blanket to sleep in tonight. and its cold.

my sleep and wake schedule is fucked! here it is, 5:30 am and im finally getting in bed, albeit a cold one. tuesday i may lose my job. [ed. yeah, jobs gone. wednesday is a no job day.] i love my life.

i just reread my samantha story. now i am crying. fuck all.