[Josh enters theater, carrying Eli. Joe walks in, still headless.] [Joe:How am I still talking AND seeing the movie?] [Josh:I dunno---sonar, maybe. Watch the movie.] CUT TO: KENNY WATCHING TV NEWS [Eli:Oh, my God! You made Kenny watch the news, you bast...ah, never mind, it's not worth it.] in the Ansonia lobby. Derelicts snore in harmony. [Joe(Derelict)And snore, two-three, up an octave, snore two-three...] NEWSCASTER Public outrage mounts this hour as New York's finest seem powerless to stop the Head-Hunter. The Kurgan leaves the elevator. Carrying his oblong case, crossing the lobby. [Josh(Kurgan)I'm off to play pool!] It's late. KENNY (seeing him) Hey Rockefeller. How did you like Candy? She said you were kinda kinky. [Eli:(Kurgan)Aw, man, I TOLD her not to spread that around...look, it's a birth defect, okay?] The Kurgan stops, staring at him. KENNY You watch your ass out there. [Eli:And they say there's nothing good on TV!] [Joe:Now, how exactly would one manage that?] [Josh:A complex series of mirrors and baggy pants, maybe?] (cackling) Don't let the Head-Hunter getcha! The Kurgan walks up to him, inches from his face. Kenny stares into eyes that are a vision of Hell. [Joe(Kurgan)Do you want a time out...in HELL?] THE KURGAN (rasping) Don't speak to me. KENNY I didn't mean -- [Josh(Kenny)I was just trying to be sleazy, I didn't mean nothing by it!] THE KURGAN Don't ever speak to me. Do you understand? [Eli:Now, HOW is he supposed to respond to that?] He understands. The Kurgan leaves, Kenny staring after him. KENNY Hope you get your head chopped off, asshole. [Joe:I like Kenny!] CUT TO: KIRK MATUNAS driving 23rd in a souped-up Mustang. He's wiry, in fatigues, T-shirt, forage-cap [Eli:In which he looks for roots and berries...] and boots. Headlights reflect in his sunglasses. Gun magazines on the seat, assault weapons in the back, Uzi machine-pistol on the dash. Nobody's gonna mug this sucker. [Josh:The Charleton Heston-mobile!] MATUNAS (singing) Oh, she jumped in bed, And she covered her head, Bet I couldn't find her. [Joe:You aren't too bright, are you Kirk?] He turns down 2nd Avenue, gathering speed. MATUNAS (continuing; singing) Oh, her breasts were pink As a red rooster's -- [Eli:Good GOD, he's been sleeping with Miss Piggy?!] He brakes suddenly, revving back, fishtailing to a halt, staring down an alley. A black guy and a white guy battle with swords. Matunas grabs the Uzi, springing into action. [Josh:(Kirk)Militia Man, AWAY!] CUT TO: THE KURGAN AND KASTAGIR IN THE ALLEY Fighting savegely. Matunas appears, thunderstruck. MATUNAS (shouting) What the hell's going on? [Joe(Kirk)What do you think you're doing? Look, it's the 20th Century, guys!] [Eli(Kirk)Here, I got a couple spare AK-47s you can have!] They continue hammering at each other. Matunas slams a clip into the Uzi, taking aim. [Josh(Kirk)I'll kill 'em both, I'm an equal opportunity maniac.] Horrified, he sees the white guy decapitate the black guy. [Joe:Tch! Isn't that ALWAYS the way?] Matunas starts FIRING. Five slugs tear into the white guy's chest, flinging him against a fence. He falls. Matunas disappears down the alley. [Eli(Kirk)And now, I'm off! Many people left to kill!] CUT TO: A SMALL CROWD GATHERS on 2nd Avenue. A vintage Chevy pulls up at the curb, ENGINE RUNNING. Inside, AN OLD COUPLE try to see what's going on. [Joe(Old Woman)What's going on?] [Josh(Old Man)Looks like a head-choppin', Edna.] [Joe(Old Woman)Ooo, get the Polaroid, Bill!] MATUNAS creeps down the dark alley. He checks the black guy. He's a goner. [Eli(Matunas)Aww, a few seconds earlier, and I could've put his head back on---OF COURSE he's a goner, moron!] Suddenly, the white guy he shot lunges with a sword, driving the blade into Matuna's stomach. SCREAMING, he falls, dropping his Uzi. Ignoring him, the Kurgan hunches over Kastagir's body. Matunas sees weird things happen: [All:EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!] CUT TO: THE CROWD on 2nd Avenue freaks. STREET-LIGHTS DIM. WINDOWS EXPLODE in buildings. NEON SIGNS ERUPT. MANHOLE COVERS BLAST skyward. [Josh:So? It's New York!] Riddled with bullet-holes, the Kurgan staggers out of the alley, CURSING, wielding his sword. The crowd scatters in terror. [Joe:(crowd member)Ahh, a mortally wounded man! RUNNNN!] Hearing distant SIRENS, the Kurgan looks for a ride, spotting the Chevy on the curb. [Eli(Kurgan)Well, it's no tan Cutlass, but it'll do...] Bellowing, he charges, sword swinging, opening the Chevy's roof like a tin can. Prying it open with his bare hands, he sees the old couple staring up at what used to be their roof. The next second, they're airborne, hurled to the sidewalk. Leaping inside, the Kurgan takes off. Tires SHRIEKING, roof flapping, he hurtles away down 2nd Avenue. [Josh(Batman singer voice)Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da, Kur-GAN!, Kur-GAN! Da da da da da da da da, KUUUUUUURGAN!] MORAN AND BEDSOE ENTERING BELLEVUE HOSPITAL shoving REPORTERS aside. [Joe(Moran)Step aside! Move it! I think I may have irritable bowel syndrome!] REPORTERS (V.O) (shouting) Did he see the Head-Hunter? What's the victim's name? Come on, Moran! CUT TO: MORAN AND BEDSOE IN AN ASCENDING ELEVATOR watching floor numbers. BEDSOE Frank, I saw the corpse. The black guy was the same dude who was with Nash. I spent the night with them, for Christ's sake. [Eli:(horrified)H-he WHAT?] [Joe:Thanks, movie, now I need a shower! Ughh!] [Josh:We did NOT want to know about that!] MORAN Right. Drunk out of your skull. [Eli:That's a neat trick.] [Joe:I suspected his skull had to be hollow, from the beginning.] Embarrassed, Bedsoe checks his shoes. [Josh(Bedsoe)I probably stepped in dog poop, too...] Moran gets a cigar going. MORAN 20 people were there and nobody saw a goddamn thing. (a beat) That's New York for you. [Joe(Moran)EVERYBODY's blind.] (lights cigar) So tell me about this guy Matunas. Is he on drugs? [Eli(chuckling)If gunpowder is a drug, yeah...] BEDSOE No. Some kind of survival nut. [Josh(Bedsoe)Wants to stay alive---the fruitcake!] MORAN Survival nut? [Joe(Bedsoe)Sure, you know, they come in little packages, you eat 'em on hikes? Survival nuts.] BEDSOE Yeah. Into guns. Former Marine. Vietnam. I checked with his ex-CO. Slightly paranoid, but definitely reliable. [Josh:You can count on him to run amuck, shooting people.] CUT TO: MATUNAS propped up in bed, abdomen bandaged. Tube in his arm. Moran and Bedsoe enter. [Eli(Kirk)And, and t-then, he went over, and kissed some guy, and stabbed me again, and kissed some guy, and stabbed me again, and...] MORAN How're you doing, kid? [Joe(Kirk)Aside from the fact I've been disemboweled.] MATUNAS Okay, I guess -- for a guy who got three feet of steel crammed up his ass. [Josh:That wasn't Kurgan, that was the nurse taking his temperature.] How're you doin', old man? MORAN Walt says you got a look at the guy who stuck you, right? MATUNAS Are you kiddin', man? [Joe(Kirk)I couldn't see a thing!] Moran shows him a shot of MacLeod. [Eli(Kirk)No, no, bigger, wider---you know, kinda kinky.] MORAN This him? MATUNAS Nope. [Josh(Moran)Okay, how about THAT him, then?] MORAN Come on, Matunas. It was dark in that alley. [Joe(Moran)Look, just cooperate with me---I'll give you my pistol?] MATUNAS (screeching) The freak was stabbing me to death. I'll never forget his face. He had a scar right across his throat. [Eli(Kirk)And he was fulla bullet holes---well, that was my fault, but anyway...] (re: photo) [Eli:I'm e-mailing you regarding that photo of MacLeod...] And that ain't him. Moran sags onto the bed. [Josh:Moran does a lot of sagging.] MATUNAS Depressed? [Joe(Kirk)You can borrow some of my guns, if you wanna kill yourself.] Moran shrugs. [Eli(Moran)I'm unaware of my emotions.] MATUNAS [Josh(Kirk)Well, we could go blow some people away---that always cheers me up!] You don't know grunt about depressed (sits up painfully) I got me a .357, a trunkful of shotguns, three big-bore battle rifles and ammo out the ass. [Joe:A foolproof, albeit painful way to slip ammo past airport security.] I can't protect myself. [Eli(Kirk)I need to get a broadsword! And throwing daggers!] (shouting) [Josh:(Kirk)Where is justice in this world, when you shoot somebody, and they don't die?!] I ain't safe -- ! (wincing) That weirdo with the sword, man. He got up and stabbed me after I put enough lead in him to drop a rhino. [Joe(Kirk)And I've gone to the zoo plenty of times, so I know.] (collapsing) Don't talk to me about depressed. Moran rises wearily. [Eli(Moran)You know what? I really don't care.] MORAN Could you work with an artist and come up with a picture of the guy? [Josh:(Kirk)You're asking ME if I could come up with a picture?! I could--] [Eli:(Moran)Of the guy.] [Josh(Kirk, crestfallen)Oh, yeah, I guess so, sure.] MATUNAS Sure. Moran and Bedsoe head for the door. MATUNAS Hey, cop. [Eli(Moran)Yeah, lunatic?] Moran turns. MATUNAS [Joe:(Kirk)Rock on, baby!] I know you think I'm nuts. But [Eli(Kirk)--actually, I think I'm nuts, too. Forget it.] there's something else I gotta tell you. [Josh(Kirk)Do you believe in the Tommyknockers?] CUT TO: MORAN AND BEDSOE HEADING FOR THE EXIT [Joe:I guess they weren't interested.] [Josh(Moran)Nice of him to tell us where the exit was.] Reporters clamor outside. [Eli(reporter)Where can I join up with Satan?] [Josh:That was the other scene.] [Eli:Oh, right...] MORAN (seeing pres) [Joe:(Moran)Well, hi, Mr. President!] Just say we got an eyewitness. That's it. Nothing about sword- fights in the 20th Century. [Josh(Moran)Or Duck Dodgers in the 24th 1/2 Century.] [Joe(Moran)Or Buckaroo Banzai in the 8th Dimension.] (jabs Bedsoe's chest) Guys glowing in the dark. Or soldiers crawling around in the snow at Valley Forge, looking for Washington's wooden teeth. [Eli:(Moran)Or paperclips dancing ballet, or pink elephants doing the Macarena, or little creatures that multiply when you throw water on 'em, or...] Got it, Walt? [Josh:Disney?] They walk into the uproar. CUT TO: A NEWS VENDOR AT 57TH AND 7TH Rush-hour crowds buy The Post. A composite of the Kurgan is front page. NEWS VENDOR (shouting) Extra! Cops release Head-Hunter picture. [Joe:(vendor)Hot stuff, adults only!] Head-Hunter revealed. [Josh:Mmm-hmm.] [Eli:FOX Special: Head-Hunter's Greatest Secrets Revealed!] Headline: HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN? CUT TO: MACLEOD lighting candles in St. Patrick's Cathedral. [Joe:(MacLeod)*sigh* I wish they'd just spring for some electricity...] Beside the altar. Soaring columns, stained-glass win- dows. People pray. Priests glide about. [Josh:Oh, they won't buy lights, but they can afford to give the Priests their own personal hovercrafts, huh?] [Eli(Priestly voice)Come, my son, let us levitate over to the confessional...] MACLEOD (1st candle) For you, my bonnie Heather. Happy birthday. [Joe:(MacLeod)You're one year old, today!] (lights 2nd) And you, Juan Ramirez. (remembering) Take care of her, you overdressed haggis. [Eli:WILL the insults to Ramirez NEVER stop?] [Josh(Ramirez, ethereal and echoing)Filthy sod...sod...sod...sod...sod...] Moving to an empty pew, he sits silently, lost in the past. In front of him, the candles blur. The ceiling starts to spin. Turning, MacLeod see the Kurgan beside him in the pew. [Joe(Kurgan)Technically I'm a scientologist, but I respect all faiths...] He's become a punk-rocker, straightened his hair, dyed it orange, and put on make-up. [Josh:He's become the second coming of Gene Simmons.] A line of safety-pins dangle from the scar across his throat. His mocking eyes roam the church. [Eli:(Kurgan)Religion! PAH!] KURGAN Kastagir is gone. Only you and I remain. Chatting together here on holy ground. [Joe:So, those are his CHURCH clothes? Man...] He leers. MACLEOD You're revolting. What d'you think this is -- Hallowe'en? [Josh:Hallowe'en?] KURGAN I am disguised. This way people will not recognize me. [Eli:(Kurgan)I'll blend in with any other pervert.] MACLEOD What do you want? KURGAN Your head. [Joe(MacLeod)I'm a little attached to it, actually. Would you settle for my tonsils? 'Cause you can have those, I don't care.] MacLeod is a coiled spring. 2 MATRONS cross themselves, heading down the aisle. [Josh:Huh? Two married women are marrying each other? What?] KURGAN And the Prize. [Eli:(Willy Wonka)A lifetime supply of chocolate!] (the matrons pass by) Happy Hallowe'en ladies! [Joe(Matron)Shove it, heathen!] Scared witless, they leave. KURGAN It was destined that the board would be cleared for the real players. [Josh:(Kurgan)And now, it's just you and me, and I have four hotels on Boardwalk!] MACLEOD I feel something coming from you. You're trying to conceal it from me. What is it? [Eli(Kurgan)Look, what I do in the privacy of my own roach-infested hotel room, is none of your business, MacLeod!] KURGAN I conceal nothing. [Josh:No, PLEASE, conceal SOME things, for the love of decency!!] MacLeod's glittering eyes fix on the Kurgan's safety- pinned throat-scar. [Joe(MacLeod)Ah, you can't afford stitches, and you're trying to hide it!] MACLEOD Ramirez's blade did not cut deeply enough. He was right about you. You're slime. KURGAN (harshly) Ramirez was an effete snob. He died on his knees. Gloating, he remembers: [Eli(Kurgan)Now I will have the flashbacks! And they will be twisted, EVIL flashbacks!] CUT TO: THE KURGAN clutching Heather's neck, rising up from the ruins of MacLeod's 16th century stone house. SCREAMING, she tries to break free of his grip. It's hopeless. [Josh(Kurgan)Well, I had to wait another half-hour for this scene to continue, but it's worth it!] KURGAN V.O. I took his head and raped his woman before his body was even cold. [Joe:(Kurgan)Well, I didn't actually HAVE a thermometer, but anyway...] Throwing Heather down, he rips off her clothes. She CRIES OUT brokenly. There's no one to hear. CUT TO: THE KURGAN eyeballing MacLeod's stricken face in St. Patrick's. Understanding dawns in his lurid eyes. KURGAN I see. Ramirez lied. The woman was not his. She was yours. [Eli:(Kurgan)I'm terribly sorry for the misunderstanding.] (leering) And she never told you. I wonder why. Perhaps I gave her something you never could, and secretly she yearned for my return. [Josh:(MacLeod)Oh, come on, I'm WAY better than you!] [Joe(Kurgan)Are not!] [Josh:(MacLeod)Am too!] On his feet, MacLeod shakes with fury. MACLEOD You sick bastard -- ! [Joe:(MacLeod)Usually I reserve that one for Garfield.] He lunges for the sword inside his coat. The Kurgan's hands fly up in mock-horror. KURGAN Holy ground, Highlander. Remember what Ramirez taught you. [Josh:(Kurgan)Always wear womany clothes, remember!] [Eli:(Kurgan)Never wear anything REMOTELY masculine, remember!] [Joe(Kurgan)It must have at least six yards of silk and lace in it, or it's not an outfit, remember!] MACLEOD You can't stay in here forever. [Joe(Kurgan)Yes I can! I'll become a priest and live off bread and communion wine!] KURGAN (smiling) You're weak, Highlander. You will always be weaker than I. MACLEOD I'll be out front. Waiting. MacLeod leaves by the front doors. Metallic laughter rings through the church. [Josh:Kurgan-bot?] Worshippers are outraged. A bald PRIEST confronts the Kurgan. [Eli(Priest)Please, contain your laughter my son---before I rain holy vengeance on your ass.] PRIEST This is the house of God. People are trying to pray. You're dis- turbing them. The Kurgan kisses the Priest's hand noisily, dropping to his knees. KURGAN Forgive me, father. I am a worm. [Joe(Priest)You'll be a worm who's been torn a new one, if you don't shut up...] Patting the Priest's head for luck, [Eli:I think he's got this confused with Buddhism, and even then, that'd belly-rubbing for luck.] the Kurgan boogies down the aisle in hobnail boots. [Josh(Kurgan)A worm---but a funky worm! ] Safety-pins jangling at his throat, he heads for the back exit. He leaps out into the night. The DOOR BANGS. The Priest crosses himself. [Eli:(Priest)That's all for this pointless scene, thank God!.] CUT TO: BRENDA GRILLING RACHEL IN NASH'S ANTIQUE SHOP [Joe:With lemon pepper and olive oil!] [Josh:It's healthier than frying!] BRENDA I want to see him, goddamnit. RACHEL I'm afraid that's impossible. Mr. Nash -- BRENDA Nash is dead. He died at birth. Didn't he, Miss Ellenstein. [Eli:(Rachel)Okay, you got me---he's dead. He was embarassed, so we tried to hide it...] MACLEOD suddenly SLAMS open the door, seeing Brenda. [Josh:He slammed the door OPEN?] [Joe:He must be REALLY mad...] MACLEOD What are you doing here? [Eli(Brenda)Uh...haggis?] BRENDA Looking for a dead guy named Nash. [Joe(MacLeod)Not here. Kicked him out. Didn't pay his half of the rent. Made up some crazy excuse about being a corpse...] He died at birth in Syracuse. MacLeod looks at Brenda. She's done her homework, and she's not going to leave. He makes a decision. [Josh(MacLeod)Brenda's started using her head, so I'm gonna have to chop it off...] MACLEOD Come on. [Eli(MacLeod)*sighs*I'll show you my mummified head collection, but THEN you have to go, okay?] CUT TO: MACLEOD AND BRENDA ENTERING HIS PRIVATE APARTMENT [Joe(Brenda)No, no, you misunderstood---it was INFORMATION I wanted.] She's dumbfounded staring at the opulent surroundings. He moves to the bar. MACLEOD Do you want a scotch? [All laugh.] [Josh:Smooth, MacLeod. Smooth.] BRENDA Is is Old? [Eli(MacLeod)Old, yes, but it still has a great smoothness and body---heh heh heh...] MACLEOD It's 12 years old. Do you want some or not? She nods. He pours drinks, handing her one. Taking her arm, he leads her down a hall. MACLEOD AND BRENDA ENTER HIS SILVER ROOM [Joe(MacLeod)...and this is where I keep my good utensils.] Her expression changes to awe. The room is filled with suits of armor, Italian statuettes, Persian fetishes, [Josh:Wow, expensive antique FETISHES?] [Eli:Only the very finest fetishes!.] [Joe(MacLeod)I collect swords, antiquities, and, of course, Persian sexual abberations!] and a thousand other oddities from a hundred eras. The sight is overwhelming. [Joe(Brenda)Wow...you've got...stuff!] BRENDA My God. Astonished, she strolls around, touching artifacts. He watches her. [Josh(MacLeod)Uh...I'll ask you to kindly NOT fondle my antiques, please...] BRENDA (continuing; pointing) Is that claymore real? [Joe(MacLeod)Ha, HA, yes, as real as---oh, the sword.] He lets go. Years of isolation melt in the sound of her voice. MACLEOD Yes. Brenda runs her hand along the delicate weaving of a Carolingian tapestry. [Eli:North Carolinga, or South Carolinga?] She turns and faces him. MACLEOD I have been alive for four and a half centuries. And I cannot die. [Josh:(MacLeod)Now, look in my eyes, and TELL me that's not sexy!] BRENDA (nervously) Right. And I'm an Amazon princess sent by Martians to save the world. [Joe:Wow, I bet Xena Warrior Princess was based on that one line, right there!] He's caressing her with his eyes, confushing her again. Crossing to a glass table, he picks up an ornate stiletto. [Eli(MacLeod)A most deadly letter opener, this one...] BRENDA (continuing; alarmed) What are you going to do with that? He offers her the hilt. MACLEOD Take it. Reluctantly, her fingers close over the handle. Suddenly, MacLeod kneels before her, tearing open his shirt, exposing his chest. [Josh(MacLeod)Now, if you don't mind, I haven't had a good chest-hair shave in years!] In one blurred move, he grabs her fist. She tries to drop the dagger, but his grip is like steel. [Joe(MacLeod)You are GOING to stab me, and that's final!] MACLEOD I am Conner MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod. I was born in 1518, in the village of Glamis, on the shores of Loch Shiel. [Eli(Spanish accent, Montoya)You killed my father, and now you will die!] (tightening his grip) And I am immortal. [All(support group chorus)HI, Conner!] [Josh(MacLeod)One day, the band "Queen" will write a song about that!] In a flash, he pulls her fist forward: Plunging the stiletto into his heart. [Joe:(chuckling)He can never get close to a woman---he always wants to go right into the weird stuff...] Letting go, she screams. He collapses, moaning. [Josh(MacLeod)OH! That felt GOOD!] Freaking out, Brenda watches: MacLeod pulls the dagger out of his heart. [Eli:(MacLeod)Now...go kiss some guy--then do it again!] The wound heals. He stands up. Brenda is lost. [Josh:She usually is, actually...] CUT TO: BRENDA AND MACLEOD AT THE DINNER TABLE She's flushed, excited in the presence of living history. MacLeod pours brandy, getting comfortable. Brenda watches him draw on his cigar. [Eli: When you're immortal you don't have to worry about lung cancer.] [Joe:He draws bunnies, cows, rabbits...] BRENDA I've got a million questions. I don't know what to ask first. [Josh(Brenda)I guess I should start with...Devil, Devil, Devil!!] MACLEOD I have all the time in the world. [Eli(MacLeod)But try to keep it under a half-hour, okay?] BRENDA You were with Napoleon at Waterloo. (he nods) What was he like? [Joe(MacLeod)He was a french-style weenie.] MACLEOD Short. French. Wore his hat sideways. She spots the silver-frame photo of MacLeod with a 12-year-old girl. BRENDA Is this your daughter? [Josh(MacLeod)Nah, my third wife.] MACLEOD Yes. [Eli(MacLeod)We're supposed to be incapable of having children, but I wore only boxers for a while, kept in shape, took yohimbe...] BRENDA What's her name? MACLEOD Rachel. Brenda frowns. Slowly realizing, she points O.S. BRENDA You mean that Rachel? [Joe:(MacLeod)There we go. Lights coming on, synapses active, this may be intelligence forming...] MACLEOD (nodding) Yes. She was an orphan. I can't have children. I adopted her. (drolly) Over the years, our relationship has gone through qquite a few changes. [Joe:How Woody Allen-ish.] [Eli:Mia's gonna be pissed.] BRENDA She's old enough to be your mother. MACLEOD Sometimes she thinks she is. Rising, he takes the Samurai from the sheath in his coat, laying it before her. [Eli(MacLeod)But this sword is my mother.] MACLEOD This was forged in 593 B.C. Metal folded over 200 times. [Joe:(MacLeod)Finally got it to quit doing that...] He enjoys her amazement. MACLEOD (continuing gently) Like finding a 747 a thousand years before the Wright Brothers flew. Right? [Joe(Archealogist)Can only bring back one artifact---let's see, here's this ancient Egyptian passenger jet---or this here sword with metal folded over TWO HUNDRED TIMES! I-I just can't decide!] She runs her fingers over the blade. [Eli(Brenda)Um, ouch, that's kinda a sharp thing, isn't it?] BRENDA This belonged to Ramirez? MACLEOD Yes. [Josh:(MacLeod)That effeminate overdressed foppish haggis---I remember him fondly!] Reality hits her like a bolt. She's alone with an immortal, holding a sword forged half-a-century before Christ BRENDA How many men have you killed with this? MACLEOD Too many. They're all gone. [Josh:Well, thanks for clearing that up. We thought if you'd killed them, they'd still be around.] Except for one. He kisses her. [Eli:Huh---"I've killed a lot of people." is an odd statement to make a move with...] CUT TO: MACLEOD AND BRENDA MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE [Joe:Well, movie didn't waste any time with pleasantries, huh?] [Josh:Let's see, mostly it's slashing people, getting drunk, and having sex---hey, it's a Ted Kennedy/Charles Manson co-production!] She grips his scar-covered back. He tastes her face and neck. CUT TO: HEATHER DYING IN THE 16TH CENTURY CUT TO: [Eli(MacLeod)Enough about my dead wife, back to sex!] MACLEOD AND BRENDA IN BED Head on his chest, she feels his breathing, stroking his muscular chest. BRENDA You're like the sun, going on for ever and ever. [Joe(MacLeod)And you're like a bottle of fine wine--ONE NIGHT, and that's IT.] MACLEOD The sun will burn out in ten billion years. [Josh:That's real romantic, MacLeod.] BRENDA Then what'll you do -- walk around in the dark? [Joe(MacLeod)Nah, I've got 345,000,000,000 years worth of light sticks in me basement.] He kisses her. She touches his cheek. BRENDA Tell me more about Heather. [Eli:Ah, Brenda---that kinda breaks the mood...] He frowns, sitting up. [Josh(MacLeod)Well, for one thing, Heather didn't find it sexy to talk about dead people right after...] BRENDA In all these years, she was the only one you really loved, right? [Joe(Brenda)So, this is sort of cheap, huh?] He bounces out of bed stark naked, [All:AHHHH! NOOOOOOO!] [Josh:That is WAY more Christopher Lambert than ANYONE should have to see!] deciding to go into the bathroom. She SHOUTS after him. [Eli(Brenda)You come back here---I wanna ask you if Heather was better in bed!] BRENDA And losing her was too painful to bear -- was that it? [Josh:Gee, I wonder why no one's snapped up Brenda, before this?] [Joe(Brenda)And I bet you're still traumatized, too!] (silence) Come on. In every relationship, somebody has to die first. [Eli:That's nice, Brenda.] [Joe(Brenda)So come on out, and kill me.] MACLEOD O.S. Yes, but the survivor doesn't have to go on forever. [Josh(Brenda)Well, no, but...hey, were you REALLY thinking about Heather, back there?] He turns on the SHOWER, FULL-BLAST. [Joe(MacLeod)Whoops, washed me skin right off, ouch!] BRENDA It's not just your body that's covered in scars. D'you know that? [Eli:I'm not sure what she's gonna talk about now, but I DO have a suspicion, and I really wish she'd keep it to herself...] The shower STOPS. Towel around his waist, he marches out of the bathroom. MACLEOD I don't want to talk about this. BRENDA I wouldn't want you to spend 10,000 years in a hair shirt if I was Heather. [Josh(MacLeod)Don't presume to know about Heather's fashion sense!] Doing his best to ignore her, he stacks magazines. BRENDA I heard Christiaan Barnard on TV one time. [Joe:Oh, Lord...] [Eli(Brenda)Let's snuggle up with some John Gray books!] MACLEOD Who? BRENDA Heart guy. He did the first transplant. MACLEOD I don't have heart trouble. BRENDA Oh, yes, you do. [Josh(Brenda)You were getting a little sluggish, near the end, there.] (a beat) Anyway, Barnard's patients always wanted to live longer. That's why they came to him. For new hearts. But he wouldn't give any guarantees. [Eli(Brenda)He could just promise them a darn good invasive surgery.] All he could promise them was freedom from pain. [Joe:Oh, that's good. (as Christian Bernard)Well, this might work, or you might just die. Either way, I get paid, okay?] MACLEOD What is your point? [Josh(Brenda)Uh...point? I have no point.] BRENDA My point is, Ramirez was wrong. Just one year of love. though it ends in death, is better than an eternity alone. [Eli:So he should love people who are liable to die in a year?] MACLEOD Are you making a proposal? Seductively, she pulls the sheet around her. [Joe(Brenda)Nah, I'm just a slut. But my point is--] BRENDA Not me. Besides, we've only just met. [Josh(chuckling)She's an old-fashioned kind of girl.] [Eli:Yeah, Josh, they barely know each other---it was dark, after all.] (pause) Come here a minute. [Joe:(MacLeod)Now, look, I may be immortal, but I'm not Superman--it's been two minutes!] MACLEOD Why? BRENDA I want to check your pulse. He's on her in a flash. [Eli:Ah, she seduced him with her desire to check his diastolic pressure!] [Josh:Next we'll see a scene with HOT sphygomanometers!] CUT TO: MORAN AND BRENDA WALKING DOWN A HALLWAY She's pissed. BRENDA Frank, call off Bedsoe. I don't need any protection. [Joe:That's very iresponsible, Brenda!] [Josh:No, he can't have children, remember?] [Joe:Oh, right.] MORAN You saw Nash at least twice. [Eli:*chuckles*AT LEAST...] Why? They descend stairs in a wave of milling cops. [Joe(Amish)Must grind the grain into doughnuts!] BRENDA I was looking for something. [Josh(Brenda)But Conner's not here. Oh well.] MORAN Did you find it? [Joe:Oh, she found it, alright.] [Eli:TONS of it.] BRENDA Maybe. [Josh:(Brenda)And maybe I'm a tramp. You don't know.] Moran jams his cigar in his mouth. They arrive at Brenda's office. [Joe(Moran)Silk sheets, pillows, what's all this stuff doing here?] MORAN Brenda, there's stuff going on in this Head-Hunter case you wouldn't believe. [Eli:Oh, no! Stuff!] [Josh:(Brenda)I didn't know it was that serious, but now you tell me there's STUFF going on?!] Nash is involved somehow. I don't want you hurt. [Joe:Ah, she's fine, Moran.] [Eli:Well, no, now his concern IS legitamate---she COULD sprain something...] BRENDA I'm okay. I promise. She smiles, unlocking her office, going inside. CUT TO: BRENDA AND MACLEOD TOURING THE BRONX ZOO [Josh:Some people smoke cigarettes, they go to the zoo.] eating popcorn. They pause at: THE GIRAFFE ENCLOSURE [Joe(MacLeod)Hey, let's see if they give rides!] He's pensive. she's energized [Eli:By giraffes?] BRENDA I had it all laid out. [Josh:Yeah, yeah, we SAW the last scene Brenda, we know!] Forensics. In 3 years, a lectureship at Columbia. Tenure. Husband, couple of kids. [Joe(Brenda)Then YOU had to make me jump your bones!] He nods distractedly, eyes riveted on: A LONE WOLF IN A CAGE staring at him. The connection between man and beast is timeless. Their heartbeats and breathing become one. [Josh:Manimal!] In his mind, Ramirez's VOICE ECHOES down 400 years: RAMIREZ'S VOICE I had to go on, never again to hear the sound of her voice, her laughter. She left behind such a silence. [Joe(Ramirez)At least I have the courtesy to come back for the occasional flashback.] The wolf turns away. MacLeod's mind reels. BRENDA You're not, listening. [Eli:(blows whistle)Illegal use of a comma! Two minute penalty, Widen!] MACLEOD Brenda, this isn't going to work. I can't get involved with someone. Not again. [Josh(MacLeod)Well, not for more than one night, anyway, you know how it is. I kind of just whore around.] BRENDA (quickly) Who said anything about being involved? [Joe:Well, I'm afraid sex counts as SOMEWHAT involved, Brenda.] Hiding her feelings, she moves to: BIRDS IN AN AVIARY [Josh:Here comes Oswald Cobblepot...] Parrots SCREECH. He joins her. BRENDA If all you want's an occasional night together, that's fine with me. [Joe(Brenda)I'm a modern woman, in touch with my inner slut!] All around the zoo, wild-life starts to act strangely. Tigers claw their cages. Monkeys go crazy. Hyenas attack one another. Bears try to climb out of their pit. The hairs on the back of MacLeod's neck stand up. His mind reels. MACLEOD (looking around) It's not that simple. BRENDA You think I'm going to turn you in to Moran [Josh(Brenda)You think I'm going to make you into an oldish cop who's body's been gone for years, don't you?] From every direction, SHRIEKS, GROWLS, TRUMPETINGS. Visitors think it's feeding time, but MacLeod knows different. His eyes are everywhere, searching for the Kurgan. [Joe(singing, tune to Walker Texas Ranger)In the eyes of the 'Lander, the unsuspected stranger, you better know the truth of wrong from right...] [All:'Cause the eyes of MacLeod are upon yooooooooou...] MACLEOD No, I don't think you'll do that. He reaches for her hand. She pulls it away. [Eli(Brenda)Not NOW, we're in the middle of the zoo!] BRENDA There's something I want to say. A happy-faced CLOWN wanders past, selling balloons. [Joe(Brenda)But first, this guy!.] MacLeod's hand is under the shoulder of his coat, gripping his sword, scanning every passing face, searching for his mortal enemy. BRENDA I love you. (a beat) But you're locked away in your own private world of memories. No future. Unable to care. Afraid. [Josh(Brenda)You're pretty pathetic, really.] THE KURGAN IN THE CHILDREN'S ENCLOSURE [Joe(Kurgan)I can't believe they said I was too young to see the monkies!] Surrounded by kids petting sweet, furry things. [Eli:Kids petting cotton candy?] He peers through the trees. AT THE PENGUIN-POOL Excited kids jostle and SHOUT. MacLeod is in turmoil. [Josh(MacLeod)Penguins...too...much...overpowering...my mind!] BRENDA You know what's kind of weird? Most people are afraid to die. That's not your problem. You're afraid to live. [Joe(Brenda)You go to sleep at night, in terror that you might wake up...] (rises) Take care of yourself (kisses him) Don't lose your head. [Eli:That was funny, Brenda. It really was.] She turns and walks for the exit. CUT TO: THE KURGAN watches Brenda leave. A KID hands him a rabbit. [Joe(little kid)Here Mr. Demonic Guy, wanna pet da' bunny?] He strokes it. It struggles, biting him hard. Flinging it from him, he takes off. [Josh:Wow, THAT sent him running?] [Joe:Score one for rabbits everywhere! Whoo-hoo!] BRENDA GETS OUT OF HER APARTMENT ELEVATOR It's dark and late. The building's empty. Jostling an armful of books, she starts down the corridor. Turning a corner she suddenly FREEZES. The books tumble out of her arms onto the floor. Standing at the end of the corridor, smiling, is the Kurgan, in black leather, buckles and stomping-boots. His hair is shaved into an orange mohawk. [Eli:That hair looks tasty!] KURGAN Hello, pretty. The Kurgan starts for her, carrying a huge, broadsword. Brenda screams and runs for her apartment. The Kurgan is in no hurry. [Josh:He just be chillin'.] Brenda looks back at the Kurgan. Crying in fear, she frantically tries to get her keys into the lock of her apartment. [Joe:Okay, Brenda, now try the RIGHT keys.] The Kurgan is nearly upon her. Brenda throws open the door, runs inside, and locks it. [Eli:Now, instead of ducking out the fire escape, our intelligent heroine will just sit there!] Beat. CRASH!! [Josh:A flaming 747 rams therough the window of Brenda's apartment!] THE KURGAN hammers his sword deep into the wood of the door. [Joe:Herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre's Johnny!] BRENDA (crying) Oh, God... He strikes again. And again. Splinters smack everywhere. [Josh:Brenda, you wanna move? He's gonna be a while. Call the cops, go out the window? Anything? Grab up a knife? No? Huh...] BRENDA Go away! Oh, God, go away! [Eli:Nice strategy, Brenda.] Hysterical, Brenda sinks to the floor against her desk. THE KURGAN stands back and gives the door a last two- fisted swing. Brenda screams. The door collapses. The hellish figure stands over her in the doorway. [Eli:James Carville?] [Joe:Dom DeLuise?] [Josh:Carrot Top?] BRENDA For God's sake... KURGAN There is no God. Only me. [Eli:Tch! Kurganists.] CUT TO: A SPEEDING CAR RACES THROUGH THE CITY The Kurgan takes a cassette from his pocket, slotting it in. DEAFENING MUSIC fills the car: It's the KURGAN'S ANTHEM. [Joe(moving to music)Alright! It's ROCK SONG, again!] [Josh:He has kidnapped BRENDA, and is now listening to ROCK SONG in CAR.] Brenda is trying to get her bearings. MUSIC SHRIEKS, her ears burst. Cars rocket past like bullets. Speedometer 90 and climbing. Brenda stares at the Mohawk abortion [Josh:She's watching Native American surgery?] with his foot to the floor. BRENDA (shouting) Stop. Please, stop. The Kurgan erupts in maniacal laughter. [Eli:The dark side of public transportation...] Brenda hangs on for dear life. Everything's a blur. Any second, she's going to die. Engine WHINING, [Joe(snivleling)I don't WANNA be internal combustion, I wanna be a clean electrical drive engine! WAHHHHHHHH!] MUSIC POUNDING, eyeballing his captive: The Kurgan runs chicken down the avenue, not stopping for red lights. Flat-out, stopping for nothing, getting his rocks off, shrieking like a banshee. [All(imitating Xena yelling)] In his wake, a maelstrom of wreckage and terror. ANTHEM BLARING, he flings the Cutlass into the dark mouth of the Mid-Town Tunnel. [Eli:Josh, you think he's (singing)Headin' out on the highway, lookin' for adventure...?] [Josh:Given what we've seen of immortals, he's probably (singing) Headin' out on the highway, in a rush to pick up some Miller Lite before the stores close, and then get over to 23rd street before all the good prostitutes get taken.] Brenda screams. CUT TO: MACLEOD SLUMPED ON A COUCH IN HIS LIVING ROOM replaying a RECORDED message: KURGAN'S VOICE She gave me your number. She didn't want to at first. Listen. Brenda sobs. KURGAN She's hot, Highlander. I think she wants me. [Joe:(Kurgan)I determined that by her uncontrollable sobbing when she looks at me.] What part of her shall I cut off first? [Josh:He's asking MacLeod that?] [Eli:That's the kind of service you won't get from other psychopaths.] More CRYING. MacLeod shuts it off. Rachel at the door. RACHEL The endless killing has driven him mad. [Joe(MacLeod)Should've gone to mass-murderer support group, like me.] Rising, he puts on his coat and checks his Samurai, holding her face in his hands. MACLEOD Rachel, there are some instructions in the desk drawer. I want you to follow them. There's a power-of- attorney for you. You'll have everything you need. [Eli(MacLeod)I'm going out to the store, now.] RACHEL (realizing) You're not coming back. Silence. [Josh:And then...? RACHEL Even if you kill him, you're not coming back. Are you? He sits her down, holding her hands. [Joe(MacLeod)Listen very carefully---I've given you power of attorney, and all important documents--now, add that up, honey. Go on, I can wait...] MACLEOD (gently) Sweet Rachel, you always knew this would happen. (a beat) Russell Nash dies tonight. One way or the other. It's time. [Eli:There is a time and a season for everything under the sun, a time for joy, and a time for weeping, a time to live, and a time to pretend to die again...] RACHEL (crying) There's no one in my life but you. MacLeod gives her a handkerchief. [Josh:(MacLeod)This kleenex will always love you.] MACLEOD You still have a lot of life to live. [Joe:(MacLeod)Well, like at least a month.] RACHEL I'm afraid. MACLEOD A beautiful woman like you need never be alone or afraid. [Eli:(MacLeod)The YWCA is right around the corner.] He stands up, smiling down at her. RACHEL What about Brenda? MACLEOD He's given me an hour. [Josh(MacLeod)I'll have time to grab a burger, on the way.] RACHEL I understand. He kisses her, hugging her tight. MACLEOD Goodbye, dearest Rachel. My daughter. My good friend. He leaves. Long silence. Tears roll down her cheeks. RACHEL (whispering) Goodbye, Russell Nash. [Eli:(Rachel)I'll carry on the proud family tradition of booze, in your absence.] CUT TO: CONEY ISLAND AMUSEMENT PARK AT NIGHT Bitter cold. A sign reads: CLOSED NO ADMITTANCE [Josh:Which, in a movie, ALWAYS means "Come right in, psychos and sociopaths! Set up a secret lair of evil! It's all paid for by the county!"] Breakers pound the beach. WIND HOWLS through the park. The roller-coaster's a prehistoric monster. Light flickers from a merry-go-round pavilion. CUT TO: THE KURGAN ASSEMBLING HIS SWORD [Joe:Shouldn't he have done that BEFORE he got to the park?] [Josh(Kurgan)Just hold on, MacLeod. Putting my sword together, won't be but a minute...] Inside the pavilion, slotting the blade into place. Sprawled in sawdust, Brenda stares at carved wooden horses. Shivering, she sits up, trying to figure out where she is. [Eli(Brenda)Am I at a wooden horseracing track?] The Kurgan looms over her, blade gleaming. KURGAN A nice sleep, yes? [Josh:(Brenda)Well, being beaten senseless and tossed in the back of a car isn't exactly my Sealy Posturepedic, but yeah.] She tries to rise. He sets his sword-point at her throat. KURGAN One move, whore, and I'll slice you to bits. [Joe:He has a way with women, doesn't he?] [Josh:I think he's from the Deep South, originally.] He forces her back. She's freezing and terrified. BRENDA You're an animal. [Eli(Kugran, provactively)Why...thank you!] KURGAN I am Kurgan. Warrior eternal. I have carved my name in the flesh of Venetian princes, [Josh(Kurgan)Or at least their mini-blinds.] raped the daughters of Attila the Hun, [Joe(Kurgan)Or it might've been Attila himself---I was drunk, and it was dark and stuff...] and set ablaze the seven hills of Rome. [Eli:(Kurgan)Word of advice, NEVER have a barbecue with Nero. He's a real pyro...] (grating) You are nothing. Born and dead in the blink of my eye. (a beat) You are my slave, and will give me whatever pleasure I demand. [Joe(Kurgan)I demand you sing ROCK SONG, for me!] BRENDA You puffed-up turd. You don't have the equipment. [Josh:That's a classic Dolly Parton-ism.] She spits at him. He glares in fury. BRENDA Come on. Kill me. You're going to do it anyway. (a beat) What's the matter? No balls? [Eli(Kurgan)Actually, no. Those Venetian princes fought dirty.] The Kurgan smiles. She's clever, this bitch. KURGAN I see. You try to anger me, so I kill you before you lover arrives. Then I have no advantage. BRENDA (staggers up) I'm nothing to him. Just a roll in the hay. [Joe:What's she talking about? That's EVERYTHING to him!] Breath billowing, mohawk trembling, he wonders if that's true. Suddenly he freezes, staring out into the dark. KURGAN He cares for you. More than you think. I can feel his approach. (a beat) My advantage is real. Grabbing a hammer, she hurls it at him. [Josh:Mjolnir!] He bats it away with his sword, slapping her across the face. MacLeod appears, samurai in hand. The Kurgan drags Brenda up by the hair, hand over her mouth, blade resting across her neck. MacLeon starts forward. KURGAN Stop, or I'll cut her. Tense as a cobra, MacLeod stops. MACLEOD Let her go. KURGAN I don't think so. [Joe(Kurgan)Stole that line from Rayden in Mortal Kombat!] He yanks her head farther back, eyes on the Highlander. KURGAN If you care what happens to her. put down your sword and walk away. (pointing) Over there. [Eli:(Kurgan)On the Tilt-a-whirl.] Brenda fights to break his grip. The Kurgan chokes her. MacLeod puts down his sword. KURGAN Very good. Now move. [Joe(Kurgan)...Shake and shimmy.] MacLeod moves. KURGAN Kneel down, neck exposed. [Josh:(Kurgan)Rotate your head 10 degrees to the left, extend your left arm...] MACLEOD Let her go first. KURGAN Do you think thousands of years have made me an idiot? (barking) [Eli:Can we answer that, please, Josh?] [Josh:Better not.] Kneel -- ! [Joe(whispering, Indiana Jones)Penitent man...penitent man...penitent man kneels before Kurgan...(yelling)KNEEL!] Boiling, he obeys. [Josh:Better turn down the heat on MacLeod, or at least add some potatoes.] Hurling Brenda away from him, the Kurgan swings mur- derously at MacLeod's exposed neck. Like a panther, MacLeod rolls, grabs his samurai, and meets the ROARING BLADE with a THUNDEROUS CLANG and a shower of sparks. [Eli:Wow, it's, it's...kinda cheap pyrotechnics.] MacLeod leaps to his feet. KURGAN So now it ends. Generation upon generation. Millions of miles. [Joe(Rusell Greene/Kurgan)You passed me out there on the Highway...] Wielding his sword like a scythe, MacLeod attacks, driving the kurgan back in showers of sparks. BLADES CLANG in the gloom. [Josh:You know, I think it'd be more convincing, if they weren't mostly grinding the swords together, and doing more actual FIGHTING...] [Eli:Whoops, more sparks!] [Joe(Kurgan)I will be the one, but first, I will start a brush fire!] The Kurgan blocks his parries brilliantly. They lock sword-hilts, face to face. BRENDA Kill him! Kill him! [Eli:Ahhhhh!] [Josh:Brenda's got "Kate Syndrome"!] [Joe(Kate/Brenda)Devil devil devil!] The Kurgan hurls him across the pavilion. He lands on his back, winded. Yelling, the Kurgan charges, driving MacLeod out into the night. Brenda follows fearfully. [Joe:Uhh...Brenda, what're you doing? Guys are swinging swords around, and it's probably not safe for you to--] [Eli:Let it go, Joe. It's just natural selection.] CUT TO: A SAVAGE BATTLE RAGING THROUGH THE PARK [Josh:Oilers Fans vs. Rangers Fans!] Between the reptilian day-glo nightmare [Eli:A dinosaur lava lamp?] and the 466-year-old Highlander. Roller-coaster pilings are severed and collapse. [Joe(MacLeod)Kill the carnie rides! KILL THE CARNIE RIDES!] Arcades demolished, [Josh(Kurgan)Video games rot your brain!] ferris-wheel chairs hacked to bits. Energy crackles all around them. [Eli(store owner voice)Now, I expect this from kids, or them teenagers, but you all are 500 years old, and you ougtha know better!] They battle beneath a huge red wooden fruit. [Josh:That's symbolic...of something.] Painted on it in lurid colors: [Joe:(sleazy voice)LIVE nude apples!] FUN IN THE BIG APPLE [Eli:This DOES look like fun, Josh.] Circling, MacLeod's eyes burn into his ancient enemy. MACLEOD I can sense it again. What I felt in the church. What are you hiding? [Josh(Kurgan)Okay, so I'm a Jehovah's Witness!] KURGAN Nothing. They grapple like primordial beasts, sweat pouring off their bodies. [Joe(MacLeod, angrily)TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS, DAMN YOU!] MACLEOD (realizing) It's fear. That's what I feel. You're afraid of me. Kurgan, you're afraid of me. (hurling him back) That's why you needed the woman. You didn't think you could take me. [Josh:(MacLeod)You thought you'd need Brenda's help, didn't you?!] KURGAN (hoarsely) Lies -- ! [Eli(Kurgan/Clinton)I'll say this one more time, I did not have a swordfight with that woman...] His rabid eyes can't hide the truth. MacLeod charges again, wielding Ramirez's sword full-strength. The Kurgan's arms feel like lead. Gasping, he re- treats to: The icy beach. [Joe:The icy beach?] [Josh:It's not really icy, they just sell crack there.] [Joe:Ah.] MacLeod beating him back. MACLEOD All these years, I thought I was running from you. But it was myself. [Eli(MacLeod)I was really scared of me!] (contempuously) You're not the perfect warrior. You're a coward. [Josh(Kurgan)Well...uh..OH YEAH?] MacLeod batters him relentlessly. Each blocked blow saps Kurgan further. Beaten, he stands, gulping for air. MacLeod faces him, samurai poised for another blow. The Kurgan can't get it up. [Josh:Now, how'd Widen know THAT? No, wait...I don't WANT to know...] [Joe:Okay, I think we need no further insults to Kurgan, movie, MacLeod's about to kill him anyway!] [Eli:Geeze!] Brenda's rooted to the spot. MACLEOD (continuing, to the Kurgan) For Heather, Ramirez, Kastagir and [Josh(MacLeod)The Gipper!] all the others I never knew. And last, for the Highlander MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod -- He raises his Samurai. MACLEOD There can be only one. [Eli:(MacLeod)Ha, now I getta say it!] Blade a WHISTLING blur: He cuts off the Kurgan's head. [Joe(Kurgan)I'm OKAY!] Transfixed, Brenda watches a sparkling energy leave the corpse and engulf MacLeod. Standing up: MacLeod glows all hues of the rainbow. [Josh:He now has the power to be the supreme incarnation of FUNKY!] His hair stands on end. Color erupts from his eyes. He's like a roman candle against the waves. The WIND HOWLS. [Eli:AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!] MACLEOD (continuing; screaming) Mother of God -- ! Terrified, she tries to touch him. It's like his skin's on fire. BRENDA (shouting) [Joe(Brenda, shouting)I think your skin's on fire---might wanna do something about that!] What is it -- ? Glowing, he falls to his knees in the sand. [Josh(MacLeod)I can't believe I ate the wholllllllllllle thing...OHHHG!] MACLEOD The Prize. It is the Prize. [Eli(carnie hustler voice)Chop a head, win a prize, everyone's a winner!] Suddenly, everything's still. His eyes probe the darkness. There's a TERRIFYING EXPLOSION. [Joe:Wow...he won the prize...and he got to...blow up. That's...great.] Brenda watches MacLeod's body transform into many different people. His voice ECHOES over the surf. MACLEOD Everything's alive. The Quickening overpowers me. (becoming Ramirez) All resistance is gone. I am generations being born and dying. [Josh(MacLeod)I'm now a stupid lacey overdressed haggis!] (becoming Fasil) I am night air, breathing. (becoming unknown people) [Joe(MacLeod/Kastagir)I know the TRUE power of...BOOM-BOOM!] The life-force smothers me. (becoming the Kurgan) I am all of them. (becoming himself) I can feel everything [Eli(MacLeod)I'm going to get restraining orders filed against me by everything...] She's terrified. His form shifts and changes before her. Waves CRASH on the beach. MACLEOD I can feel your love. The blood in your veins. [Josh(MacLeod)The fillings in your teeth, the chapstick in your purse...] He reaches out to her. MACLEOD Your fear of me. [Joe(Brenda)Oh, good! So now that you know, could you go the hell away?!] CUT TO: FIRE TRUCK converging on MacLeod's antique shop. SIRENS SCREAMING. It's a blazing inferno. Cops hold back crowds. Firemen direct hoses. Tears in her eyes: Rachel moves through the crowd. [Eli(Rachel)I have this feeling I let the casserole burn...] She's carrying the silver-framed 1952 photo of herself with Nash. Beams split in cascades of sparks. [Josh:NOOO! All his fish sex paintings!] CUT TO: MORAN stands on the sidewalk. T.V. crews film the blaze. Cops hold back gawkers behind barriers. Seeing Rachel, Moran takes her arm. MORAN I'm sorry. We couldn't get him out. [Joe(Moran)We did save that one peice you wanted--] [Josh:That was the other scene!] [Joe:Oh, yeah...this movie kinda warps your mind.] RACHEL I know. MORAN (eyeing her) The Head-Hunter got another one tonight. RACHEL (anxiously) What was his name? MORAN Some guy named Kruger. [Eli:All right! MacLeod whacked Freddy!] Relieved, she closes her eyes for a moment. MacLeod has won. MORAN Why d'you ask, Miss Ellenstein? RACHEL You can call me Rachel if you want. [Joe(Moran)Well, you can call me Moran, if YOU want.] MORAN Rachel's a nice name (seeing photo) What's that? [Eli:(Moran)Actually, nevermind why you asked, I don't care anymore.] She shows it him. MORAN Nash. (she nods) Who's the pretty young girl? [Josh:Aw, come on, Moran. You're not that desperate!] RACHEL (smiling) Would you like to get some coffee? [Joe(Rachel)See how I manage to NEVER answer any questions?] Puzzled, he looks at the photo, then at her. Taking his arm, she walks him off down the street. Behind them, the inferno RAGES CUT TO: THREE U.P.S. GUYS [Joe:And now, a quick idea for a sitcom!] unloading MacLeod's aquarium off a truck. Reeling under its weight, they stagger up the steps of a brownstone, ringing the bell repeatedly. After an eternity, Bedsoe appears in striped pajamas, rubbing his eyes. [Josh(Bedsoe)Wow, Santa came!] UPS GUY You Bedsoe? [Eli(UPS Guy)Me UPS guy. Me have package. Sign. Or I kill you.] BEDSOE Yeah. UPS GUY Delivery. Fish. Heavy. Get out of the way. [Joe(UPS Guy)Forbidden. To finish sentences. Move.] Pushing past him with the tank, they disappear inside. [Josh(spooky voice)And the UPS guys were never seen again!] UPS GUY'S VOICE Where d'you want it? [Eli:Oh, they're gonna shoot him, now?] BEDSOE Wait a minute. There must be some mistake. I didn't order any fish. [Joe(Bedsoe)So I think we'll just stop this scene, right now!] CUT TO: MACLEOD ON THE FAN-TAIL OF A LINER, ALONE Bright sun, gulls astern. Passengers bask by a pool. Waiters serve drinks. [Josh:MacLeod went off, and joined the cast of The Love Boat.] He stares at the rolling ocean. Everything is different. There's a power and growing confidence in his eyes. Brenda appears in a summer dress, carrying glasses and an open bottle. She joins him, setting them on the rail, watching him in silence. [Eli(Brenda)Brought our mid-evening pre-dinner 5:42PM booze!] MACLEOD A man named Armando Rafael Garcia, right now, is planning a military coup in Honduras. Many people may die. [Joe:(MacLeod)Of course, I'll be in Tahiti, by then. Too bad.] BRENDA How do you know? [Josh(MacLeod)He called me. Thought it was a great plan, he's bragging about it every immortal superhero.] MACLEOD (searching for words) I can't explain it. I just do. [Eli(MacLeod)It's a Scottish thing.] BRENDA You mean like when the phone rings sometimes, and before you answer, you know who's calling? [Joe:(MacLeod)I guess being able to guess who's calling is SORT OF like predicting a revolution, sure...] MACLEOD Something like that. I'm just learning about it -- (pause) In Paris, Jean-Robert Tousche and Sylvie Arnaud live in adjoining houses. [Josh:(MacLeod)Let's go soap their windows!] (turning to her) They're deeply in love, but they never speak to each other. [Eli(MacLeod)They're both mute.] The breeze stirs her hair. The implications of what he's saying astound her. [Joe(Brenda)Wow...this means we're going to France! Wheeeeee!] BRENDA What are you going to do with all this power? [Josh(MacLeod)Start a Software company!] MACLEOD I don't know. I think I can help the people in Honduras, the lovers in paris. (shakes his head) [Eli(MacLeod)Nah, who am I kidding, they're hopeless!] I'm not sure how yet. I don't fully grasp it. [Joe(Brenda)Something you aren't GRASPING--well that's new!] Gulls hang on the wind. Changing mood, Brenda grins, digging him in the ribs. BRENDA Before you start saving lives in Honduras and lovers in Paris, will you do something for me? [Josh:Oh, you bet he will...] [Eli:The movie will end with them getting jiggy with it in the crows nest, surrounded by empty liquor bottles, and it'll be ROMANTIC!] [Josh:Uh-huh, yeah, and then they'll be in bound together in passion, in a pool of Michelob, and it'll be HEARTWARMING!] [Joe:Hanging from the mizzen mast, writhing around in the rigging like two howler monkeys in heat--stopping now and then to guzzle some daquiris, and it'll be A BEAUTIFUL THING.] He blinks, focusing on her. His eyes are still magic. She loves him to death. [Joe:He keels over the side, lifeless.] MACLEOD Yes. What would you like? BRENDA Will you take me to Scotland? I want to see where you were born. [Joe:MacLeod, hey could you take us to Scotland, too?] [Eli:Please? Can I go to Scotland?] MacLeod is pleased. After all the years he's lived, the miles he's travelled, the thought of returning to the place where it all started moves him. [Josh:He'll have to put on clean underwear, after that thought.] MACLEOD (embracing her) Are you sure this is what you want? [Joe(Brenda)No, I was just yanking you, man.] BRENDA I'm sure. He strokes her face. MACLEOD Will you call me Conner MacLeod? It's my real name. I long to hear it again. [Eli(MacLeod)I like to hear my name!] [Josh:(MacLeod)I'm a beautiful man, you know.] She tries not to cry. He holds her tight, looking into her eyes. He knows what she's thinking. [Joe(MacLeod)AGAIN? Come on, it's been five minutes, I'M TIRED!] MACLEOD Ramirez was wrong. Just one year of love is better than an eternity alone. [Josh(Ramirez)Filthy sod!] Composure regained, she grins. BRENDA Right. Now it's time for the ceremony. [Eli(Brenda)Papa brought a shotgun!] MACLEOD What ceremony? She fills the glasses, handing him one. MACLEOD What's that? [Josh:A Scotsman who can't recognize liquor?! Impossible!] BRENDA Plum brandy. 1976. MACLEOD 1976? BRENDA It was all I could find. Listen, 1976 was a very good year. (reciting) America celebrated its 200th year of independence from England. One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest won five Academy Awards. And Pittsburgh beat Dallas in the Super Bowl. [Joe:Reciting things about booze years is romantic.] [Josh:Finding guns in your lover's apartment is romantic.] [Eli:And, of course, discussing metallurgy, IS ROMANTIC.] MACLEOD Is that right? [Eli(Brenda)No, I'm full of it.] BRENDA Yes. 21 to 17. He cracks up, kissing her eyes, mouth, hair. She pushes him away. [Joe(Brenda)Not on deck---in the lifeboat maybe, but not on deck!] BRENDA Wait. I'm not finished. I want to make a toast. He smiles, remembering the night at her apartment. [Eli(MacLeod, chuckling)Probly gonna pull a gun on me, little vixen.] BRENDA To Time. [Josh(Father Time)Thank you!] They raise their glasses. She forgets her lines. [Joe(director)All right, cut!] [Josh(director)Look, Brenda, you know how much renting this boat costs?!] [Eli(director)Take five, Christopher, we're gonna have to start from the liquor scene...one of those liquor scenes...which liquor scene?] [Josh(grip)Liquor scene...145...B.] [Eli:(director)Right.] MACLEOD How long do we have to stand like this? BRENDA Hold it a second. I'm trying to remember. [Joe(Brenda)What was I going to say---hit the what...?] Next second, she's ready. [Josh(looks at his watch)Well, not surprising.] [Eli:Not even Brenda's best time, really...] He wonders what's coming. She looks at him lovingly. BRENDA In the sun that is young once only Time lets me hail and climb Golden in the heyday of his eyes. He blinks. [Josh(MacLeod)'The hell is she talking about?] BRENDA In the moon that is always rising Time holds me green and dying Though i sing in my chains Like the sea. [Eli:A poem by a drunken depressed Dylan Thomas!] They clink glasses. BRENDA Dylan Thomas. [Joe(Brenda)Right after his dog died.] Moved, he drinks. [Josh(MacLeod)Even if I wasn't moved, I'd drink.] Putting down her glass, she flings her arms around his neck, kissing him. He responds passionately. MACLEOD You're quite a woman, Brenda Wyatt. I love you with all my heart [Joe(Brenda)Wow, more than tequila? Gee, I love you too!] BRENDA And I love you. (touching his face. My Conner MacLeod. [Josh(MacLeod)Say "You're my beautiful man."!] The liner moves away. [Joe:Dive for it!] [All jump at the screen, scrabbling at the screen.] [Josh:Ah, forget it...] FADE OUT. [Credits roll.] [Josh and bots continue talking through Credits.] [Josh:So, what've we learned from this movie, guys? I think that's what Masters wanted us to do.] [Joe:Okay, I learned that you can see, talk, and exist without a head, AND you can carry assault weapons, cannons, small bombs, and grenades in your car while singing obscene songs, and not get arrested!] [Josh:Good. Eli?] [Eli:I learned that romance is relative. You can romance someone with pig manure. I also learned that, if we had eternal life, we'd all be able to devote our lives to meaningless sex, booze, and of course BOOM-BOOM!] [Josh:That's good. And I learned that we all need to get along, and that we're all connected to each other, in a universal balance. And if we all just learn to just LOVE our fellow man--] [Joe:What the hell are you talking about, Josh?] [Eli:Did you hit your head?] [Josh(puts hands on his head)Oh, yeah...man, what was THAT? Anyway, I learned that there's no such thing as an overused movie slogan. And on that note... THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!] [Credits end.] [Josh picks up Eli, and Joe walks out out of the theater.] [1...2...3...4...5...6...Hex.] [Scene shows SSOL bridge. Josh is working on Joe's head, tightening a bolt with a socket wrench.] [Josh:There we go, all done.] [Joe:(turns head from left to right)Gonna need to break in this new head--] [Red light flashes.] [Josh:Whoops, Manic Manny's calling.] [Movie Lot.] [Dr. Masters:Ah, Graham. I see you're not blithering, and wallowing in a pool of your own excretions, begging for mercy?] [SSOL] [Josh:Nope. No excretions...] [Movie Lot] [Dr. Masters(fuming)Well, that's just great! I go to the trouble---I build a rocket pod, a space station, and a theater, to give YOU the benefit of being ruled by me, and YOU, you little purile peon, YOU can't even have the common courtesy to go insane! Damn you! Damn you to hell, Graham!] [Dr. Masters shakes his fist, "Well I'm not going to take this lying down, Graham! There's plenty more bad media out there, most of it even worse than this! Until then, enjoy your stay...you're going to be up there a LONG time! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!] [Dr. Masters:*Ahem* Goodbye for now.] [SSOL] [Eli:Well, Josh...] [Josh:I'm gonna have to be filling out some MAJOR change of address forms...] [Joe:I think we're in for a long series of madcap adventures!] [Eli:Should I get a bullwhip, a leather jacket, and a fedora, then?] [Joe:You're into that kind of weird stuff, then, Eli? I mean, I guess it's okay, the privacy of your own home...] [Cindy:Ooo...] [Scene zooms out to showing SSOL in space. Josh is heard shouting "JOOOOOE!"] [Movie Lot.] [Dr. Masters presses "the" button.] | | | \ | / \ / --------- O --------- / \ / | \ | | | | [Credits] MST3K Created by BBI Inc. MST3K:The Project, Created By Josh Graham Producer:Josh Graham Written By: Josh Graham Edited By:"Redge" Based on a concept by Brandy Marrs. Special thanks to BBI, eBay, "Timmy", James Earl Jones, and everyone who's ever wanted to be Mike Nelson. [Scene from movie.] DRUNK:Let's go belt somebody, then I buy you a drink. 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