Darwin Award
-It's an annual honor given to the person who provided the
universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed the most
extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been
keen again. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives
for this event!
Darwin Award Candidates
1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in
two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide
sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally
zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a
200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had
dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel
Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had
been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it
collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used
their hands as shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of
Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using
heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked
on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
4. In Frbruary, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he
fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was
burglarizing. Death resulted when the long flashlight he had placed in
his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as
he hit the floor.
5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20,
was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who
was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest
Berrena was wearing.
6. Sylvester Briddell Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville,
Del., as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver
loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta,
27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a
tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
8. In September, a 7-year-old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near
Ozark, Ark, after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the
spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.
Darwin Award Honorable Mentions
with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a
rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing
his skull.
2. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out
cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane
torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his
house.
3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in
September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of
dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the
bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see
what would happen, but apparently failed to notice that the window was
closed.
4. Taking "Amateur Night" too far: In Betulia, Colombia, an annual
festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. This
year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including
one gored in the head and one Bobbittized. Said one participant "It's
just one bull against [a town of} a thousand Morons."
Some More Runner Ups
1. Four people were injured in a string of related bizarre accidents.
Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry,
Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mildcase of whiplash and contustions on
his chest, arms, and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and
Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten
off. Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work
and, in addition to a good-bye kill, she flashed her breasts at him.
"I'm still not sure why I did it" she said later "I was really close to
the car, so I didn't think anyone would see. Besides, it couldn't have
been for more than two seconds." However, cab driver Vegas did see and
lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into the corner of
the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was
cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab against the building
made her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a cleaning pick. In shock,
he bit down, severing two fingers from Klesick's hand. Moellers' wound
was caused by a falling piece of the medical building.
2. Taos, NM- A woman went to a poison control center after eating three
birth control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw a
picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A
translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors suspicions.
Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum,
being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third one, she
realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill
with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control Center, only a
few blocks away from where doctors were able to flush the foam from her
mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects.
3. La Grange, GA--Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma
center after having a cell phone removed from hes rectum. "My dog drags
the thing all over the house," he said later. "He must have dragged it
into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog, and
sat right down on the thing." The extraction took more than three hours
due to the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendoza's phone had opened during
insertion. "He was a real trooper during the entire episode," said Dr.
Dennis Crobe. "Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be
enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his phone rang and
each time he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor.
By the time we finished, we really did expect to find an answering
machine in there."
4. Tacoma, Wa.--Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends
when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the
Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew
more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge
at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered
that no one had brought any bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued
drinking, pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One
end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end eas
tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened
and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall
into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can
say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night.
There's just no oher explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never
located.
5. Bremerton, Wa.--Christopher Coulterand his wife, Emily, were
engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut
butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick them
clean. Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher's
penis and testicles. Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked Emily
thre a bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering the dog
and Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy leaped back, tearing away
the penis. While trying to get her unconscious husband to teh hospital,
Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle. Christopher's penis was
in a styrofoam ice cooler. "Chris is just plain lucky," said the surgeon
who spent eight hours reattaching the penis. "Believe it or not, the
perfume turned out to be very fortuitous. The high alcohol content,
which must have been excruciatingly painful, helped sterilized the
wound. Also, aside from it being removed, the damage caused by the
dog's teeth to the penis per se is minimal. It's really a very stringy
piece of flesh. Mr. Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining the
use of his limb because of this."
AND THE WINNER...
Paderborn, Germany--Overzealous zoo keeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his
constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a
bushel of berries, figs, and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm
finally let fly--and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
ailing elephant and olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on
him like a dump truck full of mud. "The sheer force of the elephant's
unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he
struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued
to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn
police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay
under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along,
and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those
freak accidents that happen."
