In an intimate relationship, we usually don’t have any trouble expressing emotions and opinions. The trouble arises when the expression becomes violent and unruly and the exchange becomes a fight. Our energy gets stuck in the same old complaints, recriminations and arguments that we repeat over and over again with no resolution. To move out of this rut, we need to stop fighting and start playing.

The expression "play hardball" is used when someone deals ruthlessly with a rival or competitor. But in a love relationship, the game to play is softball in which you would deal respectfully and compassionately with one another. One game that uses a soft ball is tennis, so I’ll use the analogy of tennis to describe the relationship game of softball. In any game, you have to play by the rules. Just think of the chaos that would result if two opposing hockey teams didn’t observe the rules. They would be hitting each other with their sticks, ganging up on the star players, and getting into a bloody brawl. Not that they don’t already do that at times, but they suffer penalties for it and the referees keep it under control. What are the rules of playing softball?

The first rule is to agree on a good time to meet. If one or the other of you is having a bad day, now may not be a good time. Next, agree on a place. A public place like a restaurant is not good because, unlike tennis, this isn’t a spectator sport. A better place would be a park or the kitchen or living room. The bedroom should be off limits to anything but sleeping, dressing and lovemaking.

Once the time and place have been agreed upon, boundaries need to be established. Tactics you may consider as out of bounds are: exaggerations, unfounded accusations, assumptions, twisting words around, and words like "should," "must," or "have to."

The play begins with the person who suggested the meeting serving the ball first by expressing his or her ideas and feelings about one issue. Bringing up multiple issues would be like serving more than one ball at a time. If you want to get a point across, pointing the finger of blame at the other person and saying, for example, "You always humiliate me," won’t go over too well. But pointing the finger of hurt at yourself and saying, "I felt humiliated when you joked about me at the party," would make the other person less defensive and more inclined to your point of view.

Strong emotions may come up, it’s okay to take a timeout and cry. But tongue lashing, threats and foul language are personal fouls and the offending person has to take a timeout, go for a walk or do some other physical activity. Then, when he or she has cooled off, the game can resume.

What you do during this expression of feelings is listen. I mean really listen. Usually when you’re arguing with someone who likes to play hardball, he listens just enough so that he can throw words back into your face when it’s his turn. And most of the time he doesn’t wait but rudely interrupts. In playing softball, the only time you can interrupt is when the other person fouls or breaks a rule. Some couples may need a referee or marriage counselor, but most can referee themselves

It’s a good idea to listen intently because when the other person is finished, you have to restate the issue, ideas and feelings that were just expressed. The other person needs to know that you got the message and that you are validating his or her feelings. This restatement is like returning the ball instead of serving it. Then the other person either agrees that the restatement is correct or clarifies it and hits it back. Then, and only then, do you get a chance to serve the ball by presenting your point of view and feelings about the issue while the other person listens.

When both of you have served and whacked the issue back and forth, you would be in a better position to arrive at a mutually satisfactory agreement or compromise. The goal is not to score points and win against the other, but for both to come away from the engagement feeling better about the situation because stuck emotions have been released and the issue is either resolved or on the way to a resolution. In the game of softball, if you play by the rules, there are no losers or winners and the final score is tied at love-love.

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