Jokes and Misc./Humour
I didn't have anything to do with any of these, they were just sent to me.
50 reasons why Dublin is great It’ll be lovely when it’s finished. The way you can’t smell the stench of the City for 10 months of the year because of the bad weather. The way 9 bums out of every 10 will not get aggressive when hassling you. BrendanO’Carroll. The way Southsiders pretend they have Northside accents. The way Northsiders pretend they have Southside accents. The secure feeling you get knowing that every shop, bar, restaurant, hospital and church has at least 2 bouncers on every door. GraftonStreet on a Sunday morning after the night before. The weird monuments they keep on building outside the GPO. RoddyDoyle’s Hilarious books which are actually written in “Dublineese”. The Gardaí who would do anything to protect us from small groups of hippies. The Nauseating Stench (see 2) The way Dublin is a Unique City, like Hull, Bolton and Norwich. The Liberties, Dublin’s Oldest area, whose Citizens can trace their ancestors back to the first issuing of social welfare payments by the Irish State. Travellingfor fun on the Nitelink Busses. Liz O’Donnell. MotorbikeCouriers: sure they’re really ugly and have bad skin but at least they wear helmets. Plus some of them can even smoke through their helmets while speeding through the City. Fascinatingconversations about Traffic and the price of Property. Dr. Quirkeys on O’Connell Street. TempleBar on a Saturday night – Temple Bar anytime. The cool names some of the Busses have: the Stillorgan Flyer, the Tallaght Danger, No. 13. Smithfield,although I’ve never been. The city’s Taxi drivers: clean, polite, not racist, knowledgeable uncomplaining. The way Bicycle couriers don’t seem to realise how silly they look. How friendly everyone is to their friends. The tension on the Streets at night which gives the city a real dangerous Hollywood Feel. Caféen Seine. The Dart. Where else can you get that close to strangers without getting arrested? The Luas, the National Stadium, Spencer Dock. Darndale,although I’ve never been. The interesting personal hygiene you can find on Sandymount Strand. The quality of late night kebabs. The way the roads are constantly being dug up, presumably to be improved. The culture, the culture. All the great listings magazines and freesheets. The fine new Apartment buildings that “Architects” are building. WestDublin, although I’ve never been and I’m not sure where it is. The International feel of Grafton Street given to it by shops such as Next, HMV, the Body Shop and Boots. The classy displays of wealth. Thatpeculiar stench (see 2) Dublin’spremier couple, the charismatic Bertie and the glamorous Celia. Be proud, be very proud. TributeBands. The Evening Herald. So much to read, so little time. The Liffey. So many bridges, so many things floating in it. The widespread availability of cheap, poor quality drugs. The way the colourful posters of election candidates still brighten up our tree-lined streets. The rising rate of serious crime which at last brings Dublin into line with other Capital cities. Twink. The people. Goingaway.
9 IRRITATIONS IN LIFE (By Adam Sandler) 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? 2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually. 3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it? 4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? 5. When people say while watching a film ! "did you see that?" No loser, I paid $8 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor. 6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine? 7. When something is "new and improved"! Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it. 8. When people say "life is short." What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? 9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
Rules while dating my daughter. > > Rule One: > If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be > delivering a package, because you're sure not picking > anything up. > > Rule Two: > If you can't keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's > body, I will remove them. > > Rule Three: > I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of > your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear > to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an > insult, but you and all of your friends are complete > idiots. Still, want to be fair and open minded about this > issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the > door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes > too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure > that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the > course of your date with my daughter, I will take my > electric nail gun and fasten your trousers in place to your > waist. > > Rule Four: > I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex > without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill > you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the > barrier, and I will kill you. > > Rule Five: > It is usually understood that in order for us to get to > know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and > other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only > information I require from you is an indication of when you > expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the > only word I need from you on this subject is "early". > > Rule Six: > I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many > opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as > long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you > have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to > date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you > make her cry, I will make you cry. > > Rule Seven: > As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter > to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and > fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should > not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a > process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate > Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do > something useful, like changing the oil in my car? > > Rule Eight: > The following places are NOT appropriate for a date with my > daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything > softer than a wooden stool. Places where the ambient > temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear > short tank tops, midriff T-shirts or anything other than > overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka-zipped up to > her throat. Hockey games are okay. Old folk's homes are > better. > Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a > pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But > on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, > merciless god of the universe. If I ask you where you are > going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the > truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a > shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not > trifle with me. > > Rule Ten: > Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to > mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper > coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent > Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently > tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my > daughter home. > > As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your > car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter > password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought > my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car > - there is no need for you to come inside. > > > The camouflaged face at the window is MINE.
Subject: some amusing ones > > >Cocktail lounge, Norway: >LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR. > >> > > > > > >At a Budapest zoo: >PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE >FOOD,GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY. > >> > > > > > >Doctors office, Rome: >SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES. > >> > > > > > >Hotel, Acapulco: >THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED >HERE. > >> > > > > > >Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, >Japan: >COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN >YOUR >ROOM,PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF. > >> > > > > > >Car rental brochure, Tokyo: >WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. >TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL >OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR. > >> > > > > > >In a Nairobi restaurant: >CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE >MANAGER. > >> > > > > > >On an Athi River highway: >TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER,THIS ROAD IS >IMPASSABLE. > >One of the Mathare buildings: >MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE. > >> > > > > > >A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: >DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS. > >> > > > > > > >Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: >GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING >BEHAVIOURS IN BED. > >> > > > > > > On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: >OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR. > >> > > > > > >In a Bangkok temple: >IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF >DRESSED AS A MAN. > >> > > > > > >Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand: >PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM. > >> > > > > > >Hotel brochure, Italy: >THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN >FACT,CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS >SOLITUDE. > >> > > > > > >Hotel lobby, Bucharest: >THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. >DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE. > >> > > > > > >Hotel elevator, Paris: >PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK. > >> > > > > > >Hotel, Yugoslavia: >THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE >CHAMBERMAID. > >> > > > > > >Hotel, Japan: >YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID. > >> > > > > > > >Hotel catering to skiers, Austria: >NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN >THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION. > >> > > > > > >Taken from a menu, Poland: >SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY >DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; >BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION. >(?????) > >> > > > > > >Supermarket, Hong Kong: >FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT >SELF-SERVICE. > >> > > > > > > >Hotel, Vienna: >IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER. > >> > > > > > >Hotel, Zurich: >BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE >OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE >LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE. > >> > > > > > >An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: >TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS. > >> > > > > > >A laundry in Rome: >LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON >HAVING A GOOD TIME. > >> > > > > > > >The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: >GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE. > >> > > > > > > >On the door of a Moscow hotel room: >IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO >IT
Your guide to Korean for the World Cup 2002 1) That's not right..............................Sum Ting Wong 2) Are you harboring a fugitive..................Hu Yu Hai Ding 3) See me ASAP...................................Kum Hia 4) Stupid Man....................................Dum Gai 5) Small Horse...................................Tai Ni Po Ni 6) Did you go to the beach.......................Wai Yu So Tan 7) I bumped the coffee table.....................Ai Bang Mai Ni 8) I think you need a face lift..................Chin Tu Fat 9) It's Very dark in here........................Wao So Dim 10) I Thought you were on a diet..................Wai Yu Mun Ching 11) This is a tow away zone.......................No Pah King 12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week........Wai Yu Kum Nao 13) Staying out of sight..........................Lei Ying Lo 14) He's cleaning his automobile .................Wa Shing Ka 15) Your body odor is offensive...................Yu Stin Ki Pu 16) Great.........................................Fa Kin Su Pah
A Mechanical Engineer, an Electrical Engineer and a Civil Engineer were discussing what sort of Engineer God would be. The Electrical Engineer said " well it's obvious he must be an Electrical Engineer like myself. Just look at the way all the nerve endings send signals back and forth through the body and brain. There can't be any doubt about it." The Mechanical Engineer replied " It's an interesting theory but I think you're wrong. He must be a Mechanical Engineer. Just look at the muscle structure, It's a masterpiece of mechanical design. It's obvious I'm right." "Well" said the Civil Engineer " they're both interesting theories but I'm afraid you're both wrong, God has to be a Civil Engineer. Who else would put drainage works through a recreational area."
On a tour of Scotland, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the North coast near Aberdeen on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing an English football jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty foot shark. At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Scottish football tops roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Englishman from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach. Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide Scotland and England, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow." He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!" "That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom." "Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows f--- all about shark hunting. How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"
Having A Bad Day? Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask in the middle of the forest. A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air and then airborne into smoke heaven. Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse... The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both. Still think you are having a bad day? A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman. STILL think you're having a bad day? Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death. What?! STILL having a bad day?? Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better?
Shipwreck A Cavan man, a sheep, and a German Shepherd were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Cavan man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Cavan man took his arm off the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Cavan man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, so they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Cavan man started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear, "Would you ever mind taking the dog for a walk?"
Little Old Lady Defense Attorney: What is your age? Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old. Defense Attorney: On the first day of April, last year, will you tell us, in own words what happened to you. Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on the front porch on a warm spring evening when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you? Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody has done that to me for a long time. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him . . . Take me young man, take me. Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Lady: Hell, no. That's when he yelled APRIL FOOL. So I shot the son-of-a-bitch.