The Fox's JournalWhy do I feel so lonely? |
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I know exactly where you're coming from. I led a sheltered existence growing up too and I was something of a shrinking violet. Picked on, ostracized, made to feel freakish, etc. (I now realize with hindsight that it was because I was a young dragon who didn't fit in!) I never really came out of my shell until I moved here to London. I had no motivation to do otherwise until I had to stand on my own two feet with only Squirrel around to catch me if I fell.
Believe me, striking out on your own - once you've got a mortgage to help pay for, a job to hold down that you depend upon for your survival, adult responsibilities to deal with: that makes you grow up faster than you can imagine and is probably the best assertiveness course available for free! Over the past seven years of living here, having built my own nest (or should I say, lair? or drey?) with Squirrel, I have become very assertive with a very no-nonsense approach to life and someone who will not hesitate to stick up for himself when the moment calls for it. You will come into your own someday, foxy. At least you have a good idea of what's going on. The first step is to do what you've already said you should: put all this drama behind you. Just walk away from the "friends" who are making life rough for you. You can't move on until you've done that. Tell everyone who's bothering you to fuck off and look after yourself. *hugs*
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One of the biggest mistakes someone can do is find solace in compassion rather than facing their fears. This is what the furry fandom does best for a lot of people. Yeah, I'm blaming furry on a lot of your issues. It's personal mostly yeah, but it's environemental.
See, you didn't "learn more about [your] sexuality." Rather, you took refuge in a community based on open arms first, feelings later and hey, that's what a lot of people do. What it ends up being is fake reassurance, a quick way out for people to find the physical closeness, sex and feelings with none of the real emotion that goes along with it. People fuck around with each other for shits and giggles and those who are somewhat unsure where they are in the first place latch and cling on to a chance encounter with something and becuase there's literally NO negative feedback from those who are used to this sort of it, they get disillusioned in the mess of it. So yeah, that's one part, you have to be cynical and prude about that sort of thing first but once you get your foot in the door and get accepted, it's hard to change yourself with regards to it. I mean, all of this is pretty obvious. Look how many people go through relationships, encounters, "love" and friendships like underware in this community. When I see someone like you starting to go down that road, or at least what looks it, I get concerned and angry becuase 90% of everyone's friends in this group is all "*hug* you'll feel better." and "yay I'm soooooo happy for you." Everyone's a fucking fake in this bullshit, the ones who are jaded but are part of the community are declared not welcome or "trolls" and no one has any guts to stand up for anything real becuase they risk losing internet buddy or don't care becuase it's just words on the screen. For someone who is just not sure where they are in life, it's a living hell. This shit isn't reality, so take it one step at a time and ask yourself what you really need. Step one is leaving all this behind.
*poke* I think there is a middle ground between the "Love" and the "Trolls". Compassion isn't a bad thing, I think it's that everyone has too much Sympathy for each other. Compassion usually comes from experience and a willingness to let someone make their own mistakes, but be there to help them climb out of the muck after. That's where compassion really counts, AFTER you've allowed someone to go down the road they needed to, even if you knew it was wrong. Sympathy = The "Love", "I Told You So" = The Trolls, Compassion comes in the middle. I like to think that's where I stand, and it's not so bad a spot.
*HUGS to both of you*
Hey you.
I've got lots I could say about this, but it's better done over the phone or in person. I think the first thing you need is a hug. :) The next thing you need is a, "You're not alone." I've been there, though my bullying lasted until I flipped out threw a bunch of angry and mis aimed punches at one of the guys who tormented me. :) I think I hit him in the throat, I was aiming for his face. *grin* After that, no more problems, from them. However, I continued their abuse to myself for years after. But look at me now! I have confidence. :) Granted, it's a long hard road, but you'll get there too! I'm not the ideal of what anyone should be, I have more issues hiding in my heart than most, but I'm working on them. You CAN be happy with yourself someday, I promise! *HUGS* If you'd like, we can get together and we can talk about it more in person. I've got lots to say on the subject, you are warned in advance. :)
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It's hard to read this and not think, "Damn, that's me."
I completely understand where you are coming from. You don't realize just how important your formative years are until they are well behind you. I too grew up in a sheltered environment, where I was shielded from a lot of problems. Also, being an only child, I never had to compete for anything. I also came from a well-off family, so I was never left without. In short, my upbringing saved me from a lot of hardship, but it also prevented me from some valuable experiences and life lessons. My childhood, while very safe, was boring and empty. How many times I have been tempted to leave the fandom, never to return. But, I always seem to stay. Why? It has done me far more good than ill. The fandom has opened me up considerably: socially, mentally, spiritually, and yes, sexually. Sure, there are aspects of the fandom that irritate me. But, there are aspects of "mundane" life that irritate me, perhaps even more so. In fact, I'd wager that I am a stronger person now because of the stresses that the fandom has brought me. Yes, that is incredibly Nietzsche. I am now facing those hardships and challenges that most people encounter in their childhood. Like how to deal with people, how to accept adverse viewpoints, how to handle stressful situations, how to form friendships, and how to form romantic relationships. None of us can learn these things if we do not allow ourselves to peek out from behind our battlements. Now, if I could just learn to take my own advice.... I too seem to be losing friends in the fandom. I moved to this area, specifically to be around these people, and now find that they are increasingly silent and distant towards me. Have I done something to offend? Am I that shitty person to be around? Are my mood swings that uncomfortable to others? Even if I know for sure that this is not the case, I still gladly and eagerly take the blame for it. It is as if I need to bear the cross, so to speak. And, despite my long hair and love of sandals, no, I'm not developing a Christ complex. :) You are being very hard on yourself. You have a lot to offer people, but I know it's tough for you to see that. If I may be so bold as to make this suggestion, turn off the computer for a while. I know that technology has acted, to a degree, as a shield or a comfort blanket (it does for a lot of furs). Leave the PDA and the cell at home. Remove yourself from the online world a little, and get out and spend some offline time with people...with all their quirks, nuances, and faults in plain sight. It was the best thing I ever did since I found the fandom.
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Try to keep your muzzle up, your Furry family loves you. :)
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meh...
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