That Time of the Month


By Lasca

Day 2-AN ERRAND

Ares appeared in one of the vacant rooms of his temple in a flash of blinding blue light, eyes searching his surroundings wearily for a moment relaxing just slightly when he found no immediate threat of his princess. A thankful sigh escaped his lips and he slumped his shoulders.

He just stood there for a few moments, casting distrusting looks at the door every so often before he set the jar he held in his hands on a small table holding a single candle, and stalked over to a chair which he sulked down into tiredly, resting his head on his hands.

These were the most trying of times. Times that would push a man to his wits end, strain his very bearings, and make him question his own sanity. The last two days had literally been hell on Earth. Honestly. If he made it through the next few days with his life...no, if he made it without becoming a matching pair of bookends...hell..if he made it out before being driven completely nuts, he would personally take flowers, chocolates, even those disgusting little crochet needles that Atropos liked - anything - to the Fates to show them his appreciation.

'No man should EVER have to go through this!' He thought sullenly as he brought up his fist to nervously chew on his knuckle. He had thought she was vicious in battle. Bloodthirsty, cruel, ruthless ... merciless ... cold ... altogether evil on the battlefield. But nothing could have prepared him for the complete bitchiness that was his princess when she was on her period.

As much as he hated to admit it...he was scared of her when she was like this. Him - the God of War - was frightened of a mortal woman on her cycle. 'Although I have every right to be,' he thought, thoroughly depressed .. she might decide to go find a hindsblood dagger if he so much as looked at her the wrong way. Which was really a hard thing, because he couldn't help but staring at her ... she was so beautiful.

But if it meant the difference between his life and his death, he would bloody well keep his eyes anywhere but on her.

He sighed again, his face becoming more disgruntled with each passing moment. If only it was that simple. He could manage to keep from looking at her...but it wasn't just his gaze that seem to upset her. He had to make certain not to move the wrong way. Not to say the wrong thing ... Hades, he had to make sure not to breath when she didn't want him to.

Yesterday had proved completely disastrous as he had sent her into a bout of depression that she was still suffering from. And a depressed Warrior Princess wasn't exactly someone you could classify as ... well .... as safe. Today he had left early, waking up almost three hours early to be certain he left before she awoke. He was out of there.

He had succeeded in keeping himself out of her sight until she managed to corner him on a trip to his altar room. She wanted him to get her something ... he was sure that this wasn't the time to refuse and hastened to do her bidding.

Ares shuddered as he contemplated the course of the next few days. How was he ever going to get through this? The mood swings? The violent tendencies, the depression ... it was too much for him to handle ... give him a nice bloodbath in Persia .. that he could do. Obviously, becoming an immortal hadn't stopped her monthly cycle.

"Damn it!" he swore. Immortals weren't supposed to bleed!

A sudden thought thought struck him that required a mental calculation. Ares looked up, his expression radiating pure horror. Her cycle lasted 4 days. That was four days a month, twelve months a year...that was forty-eight days a year for an eternity. Ares moaned softly, shaking his head, wanting to cry. On the bright side, at least it was only 'four' days ... he'd heard from Hephestaus that Dite's was seven. Silently he mouthed 'Thankyou' to his lucky stars.

A soft, guttural groan broke through his musings. "Ares?"

His eyes snapped up, laced with fear as he looked around for a place to hide-finding none he steadied his shaking shoulders and looked up flashing Xena his best 'charming' smile as she walked into the room, one of his long black robes wrapped around her body, her crossed arms holding it up. She offered him a tiny, half-smile in reply - she was a woman still (and that smile was irresistible) before frowning and asking suddenly, "Did you get 'em?"

"Uhh, yeah, I did-both of them, they're ahh, right here." he said motioning to the table with the jar and small bundle laying on top of them. He reached over and picked it up, taking of the lid, pulling back his hand quickly as her reached inside the jar, coming out with something brown and red which she promptly stuck in her mouth, a look of bliss covering her face as she did so.

"Hmmm...good boy." She muttered as she began eating the fruit top speed. Chocolate covered ambrosia slices...her favorite. "Did you thank Dite for me?" she asked between mouthfuls.

"Uhhh, yeah-I did, she said no problem." He answered, watching his princess eat with a raised eyebrow as he pulled the jar back just slightly. "Ahh, sweet...don't you think you'd ought to slow do-" his mouth snapped shut with an audible 'click' as glaring blue eyes, all of a sudden, locked on his brown. With no hesitation whatsoever, he surrendered the jar to the angry woman, taking a small step backwards. As she ate, Xena stared up at him and asked,

"And you got the others?" at his nod she smiled and nodded happily. "Great .. you know, being immortal has one advantage ... well besides getting to be with you forever ... you get to have Dite as a friend. I don't know what I'd do without her ... these new things she has ... what did she call them? Tampons? They'd sell big time with mortals ... I'm serious they're going to catch on ..." Taking a break she looked up and shook a finger at him as she added in a helpful voice, "We should buy stock. They're just great...they're comfortable, better than leaves...and they don't leak - aren't very messy." She trailed off contemplatingly as she furrowed her brow at Ares..."What?"

Through the course of her ranting, Ares face had gone paler and paler until it was now a pale shade of white that just totally looked off with his leathers. "Damn Xe ... that's gross, lets talk about something else, huh?"

No sooner had he spoken then the jar went hurtling to the nearest wall, shattering into a thousand pieces. "Something else! Damnit Ares! The least you could do is listen! I'm the one who has to go through it, and you can't even stand to hear about it! How do you think I feel! Its always about you - well guess what?! If I want to talk about Tampons ... WE. TALK. ABOUT. TAMPONS!" she growled in a threatening voice, eyes wide and feral looking with anger.

Ares winced, hating to back down but nodded slightly, knowing this was neither the time nor the place..."I'm sorry honey...I didn't mean anything by it, okay?" He purred soothingly, taking a tentative step forward, trying to ignore her dangerous eyes. "Please?"

Her face slowly softened and she leaned in towards him to plant a kiss on his lips. "Okay." she replied abruptly and lay her head on his shoulder. "Can we go to sleep?" she asked, in a sleepy voice.

Ares smiled and transported them to his bed where they fell asleep in each others arms ... Ares last thought being, 'ONLY 2 MORE DAYS!'

Day 3-WRONG WORDS

Xena whimpered as she woke up, a series of cramps attacking her lower back and abdoman They pounded percilessly against her body. They were annonoying and painful...sort of like Gabrielle when she started to talk. She felt Ares powerful arms wrapped around her as he slept peacefully. Xena felt a sudden jolt of envy wash over her...bastard...why should he be able to sleep?

She knew that she was still going strong today, and she hated it. She walked into the her and Ares private bathroom, as a group of the hand maidens Ares insisted on her having turned on the shower, giving her sympathetic looks that only women can share. Another good thing about being immortal. Showers. She felt so dirty. 'I hate getting my period. It it...well, for lack of a better word, sucks.' As she stepped into the shower, the warm water started to calm her down again.

Ares had been awake when Xena had left the room, watching her with one eye. As soon as he woke up he remembered that Xena was on her period, that's why she spent a half-hour in the bathroom. Oh man, she's gonna be touchy today. I better play it by ear. He got up and went into the temple kitchen, dismissing the cooks with a wave of his hand. Knowing that Xena liked chocolate during her time of month, he made her some hot cocoa along with a chocolate chip muffin he had gotten from Apollo who made them in his spare time.. He shrugged. It wasn't his place to comment on what other people did. What the hell was he saying? Of course it was! He always knew something was wrong with Apollo!

He waited anxiously for Xena to get out of the shower, and hoped that she wouldn't bite his head off.

Xena slowly got out of the shower. She knew Ares was up, and she didn't care if she made him wait. She just wanted to die. Ohh, but there was another problem...the jerk had made her immortal. Damn. She decided on a pair of baggy silk pants, a dark black overshirt and pulled her hair into a ponytail. She didn't care what she looked like. If anyone had a problem with it, they were going to meet the sharp end of her sword..

When she came into the kitchen she saw Ares sitting at the table. She also noticed in her spot was a steaming mug of hot chocolate and a chocolate chip muffin. She trudged over to her chair and plopped down. She began to pick at the muffin and slowly drink the chocolate.

"Morning, baby." Ares said quietly.

"Mmph."

By that reaction, Ares could tell that Xena was probably hating him for being a male. But he would never bring that to his defense, knowing that he would probably not live past the last word. He was just glad that Xena didn't last the full week. Ares looked at the huge digital supported by 2 columns... 7:30. Hercules needed her in thirty minutes. Ares hated to do this. "Xena, shouldn't you be going now? You don't want to be late do you?" He waited for the hands to close around his throat.

But instead, "Fine." Was all she mumbled. He stood up and walked over to her. He kissed her lightly on the lips, and transported her to the Road outside Corinth.

LATER THAT NIGHT...

"I hate them! I hate them all! Why don't they just die?!" Xena screamed as she walked into the temple.

"Xena? What's wrong?." He asked, concerned. Uh oh, who pissed her off? I'll be surprised if they're still alive.

"Hercules! Ioulaus! Gabrielle! I hate them all! They all suck!!!"

"Tell me what happened." After a little convincing, she broke.

"Well, I got to them like two minutes late, and the Gabrielle bitched me out! She said I was getting lazy! Excuse me that my body decided that it wasn't good for me to run while I have cramps! And then, Hercules was talking about some warlord in Thrace, and he said that It was Natrius! But it's Nathrese! And of course I couldn't stop him from making a fool out of himself because the all high and mighty Hercules NEVER makes mistakes!!!" Ares couldn't help but grin when she mentioned his idiot half brother, and recieved a harsh galre from her before she continued. "And he took away my Chakram! Damn him!!! At least Iolaus was nice to me. Then, when we were going after 'ANOTHER' warlord, they made me run and run! It hurts so bad, Ares! I feel like I'm going to die!!! Oh and then, The warlord guy decided that he couldn't just give up like a smart person and he put up a fight. That was fun! So there I was kicking his ass..and do you know how uncomfortable it is to fight when you're bleeding and you can't control it?! No, of course you don't! You're a male, and you'll never understand! I hate you!" Xena stomped into the bathroom and slammed the door shut. Ares sighed. He hated this. Two more days, that's all, only two more. He lay on the bed and shut his eyes.

Ares woke later and found Xena curled up to him sound asleep. She shifted uncomfortably in her sleep and whimpered. Ares kissed the top of her head and drifted back to sleep.

STILL LATER THAT NIGHT

'Thank the fates its not the morning yet', Xena thought. She stretched her muscles and went to go take a shower. She still felt icky, but at least she wasn't crying. She got out of the shower and dressed in her favorite of Ares' robes. No way was she going to go out tonight, not even if the building burnt down. Nope, she was going to stay on the couch all day, snuggled in her lover's arms and watch all the happy people through the god-vision-thingy..

The day was spent with Xena on the coach and Ares holding her. He only got up when she told him to. He got up when she had to go to the bathroom, he got up to get her chocolate, and he got up to get her Advilus or Midolese. Ares once again counted the days in his head. Damnit. Still 2.

WAY WAY LATER THAT NIGHT.

It was almost early morning and Ares and Xena were still laying on the couch watching the 'TV.' Xena had a container of chocolate pudding and the rest were on the floor within her reach. Suddenly, Xena dropped the pudding on the floor and doubled over in pain. "Oh Gods," was all she could say. It hurt so bad. It felt like someone was twisting a knife around in her gut. "Xena, honey, what's wrong?"

"Cramps=85aspirin=85 now=85 go=85" He got up as fast as he could and ran into the kitchen before turning around. "Adivilus or Motrinese?" he asked. "I DONT CARE!" she shouted. Ares ran and grabbed three Advilus and a goblet of water. He returned and she took the pills. He pulled her into her lap as she cried, and whispered, "Shh shh. It's going to be alright."

Big mistake.

"What the hell do you know?! You're never going to have to go through this! You don't know what it's like to bleed five days out of a month!!! You don't know what it feels like to want to cry one minute and the next to curl up and die! Unless you go through it, you'll never know! I'll have to go through this until I hit my forties or maybe even fifties!!! And then menopause! And the only time I'll get a break is when YOU decide to get me pregnant! And then every part of me is going to swell, I'll look like a cow, and I'll be craving everything down to dirt!!! There's no break!!!"

Xena had picked up a dagger that was nearby and was proceeding to push Ares towards the wall, aiming at his throat..intent on killing him even though she knew it was impossible. "And you have the nerve to tell me that it's going to be alright! I hate you! I hate guys! They think they know what they are talking about! They're asses!! I'm becoming a Hestian!!! You're sleeping on the couch tonight!" Xena threw the dagger at the wall and it stuck there. Xena stomped into the bedroom and returned with a pillow and blanket and threw them at Ares. She then went back into the bedroom and slammed the door shut.

Ares heard the lock click from the other side of the door. He stared at the door, eyes full of indignant rage. "But its my bed!" he whined and winced when a loud "SCREW YOU!" vibrated through the air. He plopped down onto the couch. 'How am I ever going to survive?'

DAY FOUR: THE MIRACLE

Xena was happy. After going into the bathroom, she found out that she had stopped. No more cramps for a month. Xeba sighed a sigh of relief. Oh no! Ares! What did I do to him last night? She remembered threatening him with a dagger.

She unlocked the door to their bedroom and saw Ares sleeping on the couch. She looked over to where she had thrown the small knife. It had in fact missed Ares..and the wall..to firmly implant itself in a statue of Ares. Centimeters away from missing his manhood. Xena went over and pulled it out of the wall. She sighed and went over to Ares' sleeping form.

Hmm. How am I going to wake him up? I know! Xena bent over and began to kiss Ares on the lips.

Even in his sleep, he responded to her and he pulled her on top of him. He groggily opened his eyes. He looked at her with questioning eyes. "Am I okay to kiss you again, or are you going to take that dagger and try to gut me with it?"

"You can kiss me. I stopped. I'm sorry about last night, Ares. It's just that it hurts so bad, and I lose all train of reasonable thought."

"It's okay. Though I don't understand it, I want to try. At least I'm learning what to say and do and not say and do."

"True. I know one thing that you better do right now," she told him with a smile.

"Oh? And what would that be?"

"Kiss me?"

"Always."

THE END