SANTA’S MAIL

Disclaimer: Character are not mine

Dedication: TO Santi Clause....and to everyone who enjoys this story. Merry Christmas.



Dear Santa,


Its Gabby here. I know I have been very good. I have done everything right, except for killing several people and trying to kiss Xena. But other than that I assure you I have been on my best behavior. Okay now to my list. Now I know Mrs. Santa Clause must not be a good wife to you. For goodness sakes, she has a bigger beard than you do and well ….its no use wasting all that Viagra on her, huh. Well Santa…I have a proposition to make…you ditch the old Martha Stewart and let be Mrs. Clause and I’ll stop burning down forest. That’ll show Xena….try to have a baby with a dead Callisto will she…..we’ll show her. Also I would like a sled full of nutbread …..the special kind if you know what I mean…you know (wink wink). Hey Santa…now that we’re discussing nutbread…do you remember that time when I was well “Intoxicated” per say… but I highly doubt I was….I mean a whole tub full of fermented goats milk that has been sitting there for 5 yrs is like water, so I don’t think I was that intoxicated. Well anyways….when I tried to kiss Xena and she kicked me with her foot, I could have sworn I saw a little green man chasing me around the campfire yelling “hello kitty”…well I was just wondering if that was one of your elves. I see him every now and then …sometimes when its really quiet he tell me to burn things and eat lots of nutbread…..I named him Quazi. He does very bad stuff Santa…he tried to kill Xena on numerous occasions….remember that lava pit…well that was only a trick so Xena would fall in afterwards trying to save me….that bitch didn’t though…I don’t even think she loves me. She hits me a lot Santa, I tried to report her to Greek Child Protection Service but for some reason they said 28 year olds could defend themselves. Well enough small talk….I want Nutbread…Xena wrapped up in a bow…but not a bow and arrow…I know how you people are …also I want that smell to go away…..it follows me where ever I go…everybody says its “me” but I have never heard of a “me” so how am I supposed to know what it smells like…well all I want you to do is get rid of it….one more thing…if a wood chuck chucked wood how much wood would a wood chuck chuck…..It boggles my mind
Your lover,
Gabby

P.S….Can I have one more life just in case Xena accidentally kills me…yesterday she chased me with a knife because she said she would have got a million dinars from the insurance people if I stayed dead





Dear Satan…hmm…I mean Santa,
This is your old pal Ares….well you probably know what I want…..and gods damn it…I want it. I wanted it since I first saw it and then when I lost it …I found out I couldn’t live without it. Zeus would always take her away from me telling me that she was a bad influence. That I wouldn’t grow up right if I had her but damn ….I wanted her so bad. I remember at night when I would look down on her small face and think about how lucky I was…that was back then when I didn’t care that I was the big bad god of war. And then that blond bimbo goes and takes her away from me….I hated her from the minute I saw her…with her innocent little looks and pathetic smile and then when every ones back was turned she would try and kiss her…. Well can I have two gifts…well I’m going to ask anyways….my DAD can kick your ass…but now I remember he is dead ….can’t say I’m sorry…the old man was boozing day and night….got so bad that he actually had another kid with Hera. Makes me wonder ,though, was I born from booze…would explain why I wet myself when I was four and five……and 20. ANYWAYS….back to my wishes….First the BLONDE BIMBO has to go….and Second I want my BARBIE back….*snffle* I miss her…I know I’m the big bad GOD O’ WAR but she was my friend…we would have tea parties and then Aphrodite comes and steals her. So all I want is you to get Aphrodite out of the way and bring me back Babs.
War God,
Ares
P.S.. Bring me Xena too. I have enough love for two women in my life.




SANTA,
I have your elves tied to a tree ready to be catapulted into the Far East where they eat little people. Now if you don’t follow my orders exactly, I will personally kill all things below 4ft ,including Gabrielle, and kick your jolly red ass. The list follows;
Number 1. I want you to get the annoying bard off my back. She smells and has tried to kill me on several occasions blaming it on a small green dwarf.
Number 2. DRUGS. I do not want to remember being impregnated by a big fuzzy light calling herself Callisto.
Number 3. Kill Eve…. Read Number 2.
Number 4. I want Ares but not that sissy Ares that wants his Barbie back…Yes I do read his mail and frankly I am a little scared that he wet his pants when he was 20. I’m going to laugh at him later so his self esteem will go down and then I can see him cry.
Number 5. World Domination…
Number 6. Please KILL Eli….he keeps appearing in visions telling me about all this godly junk and how I have to fulfill a prophecy so humanity won’t be destroyed…I think he just does that to annoy me and on some occasions I think he is watching me when I take a bath.
That is all till next Christmas..

XENA

P.S. Yes…I do know that I have not been good but I have Dasher and Dancer ….and if you don’t want me to eat deer meat then you’ll know where to stuff those gifts.