Disclaimer: These characters are not mine. They have never been mine..They will never be mine.
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“Gabrielle do you ever wonder what the point of your writing is.”
“What do you mean.” She said looking at Xena.
“Well…it has no value. It takes up money and precious hours. And most of the time you’re so frustrated with it that you burn ten perfectly good scrolls.”
“Well Xena, I like to think that one day after I die. Somebody could look at one of scrolls and say ‘Wow I thought Xena was great but Gabrielle is better.’ Why did you ask anyways.”
Xena stood there quiet for sometime looking at the Bard in one of those Deadly Glances and held up a burnt cloth in her hand. “You burnt my leathers this time, you burning freak.”Gabrielle let out a smile and started running as Xena came out after her. “Gabrielle this is the last time. You burn my, I get to burn yours.”
“But Xena…this was given to me from Eli.”
“And he’s dead, so fork it over Bard.”
“Nooooo……” Gabrielle screeched as she ran into a patch of trees accidentally hitting one and saying, "damn wooden people." Xena stopped a little behind her, grabbing her by the arm and dragged her back to the camp.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
When Gabrielle woke up, she let out a fierce scream as she saw her new outfit on her. It was a plain shirt that went down to her knees. “XEEEENNNAAAA…”
“Something wrong Gabrielle.”
“Where’s my skirt.”
Xena looked to the fire then looked at the bard. “Haven’t seen it.”
Gabrielle started breathing heavily and looked down at her clothes again. “Where’s my chest. OH MY GOD…You burned my chest. Eli...BRING ME BACK MY CHEST ” She started crying as Xena shook her head in shame. “I should have done it earlier.” She murmured to herself as she started to pack up their things.
“Where are you going.”
“You don’t honestly expect me to go out and fight with a shift do you. I’m going to buy some clothes. Are you coming or not Gabrielle.”
“Fine…But I demand an outfit with a built in push-up braw.”
“And some happy nutbread too, I suppose….”
“Well since you insisted Xena..I would not want to make you uncomfortable so YES”
Xena slapped her hand against her head as she walked over to where the nearest town was. It was a ten minute walk and a close town to Potatdia so Xena promised Gabrielle that they would go there after buying their clothes.
When Xena saw the first shop at the corner, she quickly walked over to it. It was run by a young man who kept looking at Xena strangely.
“How much are these leathers.”
.“Huh.”
“I said how much are these.”
“How much are you.” The man smiled.
“What.” Xena growled. “I’m not a hooker.”
“Are you sure…your friend over there seems to be one.”
Xena turned around as she saw Gabrielle flashing her legs to every male species that walked by. “Only 50 dinars…50 dinars and get some bowl-o- Gabby...served hot.”
Xena found a nice clean rock and threw at the bard hitting her in the back. “Ow…Xena that hurt.”
“Hey why didn’t you fall.”
.“Oh…because I developed an immunity to getting hit by things now. It kills a few brain cells but who needs them…Hey buddy.. 50 dinars for a bowl-o-gabby.”
Xena turned back to the man with the clothes. “PLEASE HELP ME..”
~~~~~~~
Xena finally found a pair of clothes that matched her others exactly. Gab wasn’t so lucky…every shop she would go to, she got kicked out for making all the customers leave. It seems that Bowl-o-gabby was more of a disgust than a delight. She ended up finding a cotton shirt and skirt that had matched the one she had before when she was at Potatdia, but was orange instead of green.
“Well no matter.” Gabby started. “Anybody want a drink of Orange Gab…guaranteed to reduce your risk of cancer. 50 dinars…anybody. Damn”
“Sorry Gab…..they must all be married.” Xena laughed walking towards the direction of Potadia. Gabrielle grumbled a bit and looked over to Xena. “50 dinars for the warrior princess.” She yelled. There was silence at first then a loud thundering sound could be heard as every man from town stood around Xena calling off bids.
“Ooops…”Gabrielle yelled over the crowd. “My mistake. I meant ME.” She coughed as there was dust thrown in her face and when it settled, everyone was gone. “Damn…must be the gold plated boobs.” She took off next to Xena who was way ahead of her by now.
“Oh Xena…it will be so great. I get to see my sister and my mother and my father.”
“You forgot their names didn’t you.”
“Yeah well…do you think what’s her name will let me get away with calling her “sis.”
“Probably.”
When they finally reached Potatdia, Xena was relieved to stop hearing Gabby’s little creation of the Gabrielle the Mighty song. They passed a couple of small houses when they finally reached Gabrielle’s house. Knocking on the door, Gabrielle’s mother let out a roar of laughter as she saw her daughter waiting for her.
“Oh Gabrielle…its so good to see you. The WHOLE TOWN will be excited. I mean our little bard coming back to visit. Oh and the only time we need you ….you come….OH THE JOY.”
Gabrielle smiled widely as she whispered to Xena… “Seems mom’s been hitten the bottle this morning.” She turned back to her mother still nodding. “So why do you need me.”
“OH for the Tenth Annual Play Competition. Poor little Potatdia never had anyone to write or direct the thing but now you’re here and we won’t have to use Lila.” Lila sunk her head down as she scowered into the little corner that was supposedly her room. “Well anyways Gabby…you need your rest because you have a big day tomorrow. I left the room the way it was before, but there is a pillow on the floor for Xena. She might get the stables dirty with those rags she wears.”
Xena lunged at Gabrielle’s mother but was pulled back by the bard who dragged her into her room.
“Can you believe my mother…What if I don’t want to do this play. I hate this town. It’s a stinky pit hole with a crap fest in the middle.”
“Well don’t do it.”
“BUT I REALLY WANT TO DO A PLAY. ”Gab whined. “I always wanted somebody to play me.”
“Then do it.”
“Let me sum this up for you Xena…Stinky Pit hole or Play. STINKY PIT HOLE !!!or play…Xena..” Gabrielle looked to her bed and saw Xena fast asleep on it. Gabrielle smiled as she put a blanket over Xena and flipped her on to the floor. “This is my bed.”
~~~~~
The next morning Gab and Xena were already at the hall where the play was going to be held. It was fairly large with a big stage in the front.
“You know I think you made a good decision Gabrielle.”
“I know I did…I’M GOING TO KICK POTADIA’S ASS. What’s Potadia’s rival town called anyways.”
“Madeville.” (Mad-eee-vill)
“I am now known as Gabrielle of Madeville. Did you hear that Xena…you need to start calling me Gabrielle of Madeville now.”
“Okay Gabrielle.”
“See you learned it already.”
Xena rolled her eyes as she looked over to the stage that looked strangely familiar. “Hey Gabrielle…what is the play going to be about anyways.”
“Ummmm…..Well you see Xena. At first I was thinking of doing a play over Hercules but then I was saying to myself. Gabrielle, how many gay guys can one play handle so it occurred to me ………XENA: Life of a bitchess.”
“WHAT.”
“Just listen Xena…In a world of myth and legend, when the gods were pity and cruel. Mankind cried out for a warrior and her name was Gabrielle : Of Madeville out to protect the world from the evil warrior bitchess. Well what do you think.”
“Its great. You should put it on your grave when I kill you.” Xena roared as she hit the bard upside the head. “What’s wrong with you Gabrielle. Just get one of your scrolls and do the play over that.”
“Fine.” Gabrielle went over to her bag and mixed through it for awhile randomly drawing a scroll. “And the winner is….the day Gabrielle got her new weapon. Oh yay…..I love this one.”
Gabrielle got her feather and already began to write it in a script format. “Hey Xena is it okay if you’re a chicken in this one.”
“NO” Xena yelled. Gabrielle rolled her eyes and ripped the scroll getting out a new one.
“Okay Xena…but don’t be mad when I melt your chakram because the play that won had Hercules as a chicken in it.”
For three hours Gab wrote non-stop putting the whole story into a script. She got up a few times for the occasional food and paper and to advertise her Bowl- O- Gabby. But other than that, she worked on the play. When she finally finished it, she handed it to all the people that were supposed to be the actors for it. Everybody seemed to be fairly satisfied and went home to rehearse.
“I’m going to win Xena…I can smell it. And its not that smell that I get when I don’t take baths for months..No Xena…it’s the smell of victory.”
“How are you so sure, you’re going to win. Because Xena…” Gabrielle was interrupted by a tapping on her shoulder. “Excuse me Miss. Are you Gabrielle.”
“Why YES.”
“Ummm…” The man sighed. “I have 50 dinars.”
Gabrielle eyes widened as she grabbed the 50 dinars and told the man she would be back for him. The man waited there for an hour and when Gabrielle came back she gave him a bowl of something hot.
“Hey what’s this.” The man grunted.
“Hey bud…it’s a bowl of hot Gabby…what did you think I was a whore.” The man looked shocked and scurried off with the hot bowl of soup. Xena looked at Gabrielle just as surprised. “Well I’m shocked.”
“Well Xena…..you should be. To think that I would sell myself like that.”
“He was too ugly for you wasn’t he.”
“Hey ..”
“It’s the truth isn’t it.”
“Yes.” Gabrielle was soon interrupted again by another tap on her shoulder.
“Excuse me Miss. Are you the lady that is selling the Gabby soup. Because we are having a town party and would like to have some of that stuff.”
Gabrielle smiled in a provocative way while moving her hips when walking to the man. “So you want some hot gabby too.”
“He meant the Soup Gabrielle.”
Gabrielle stood up straight and looked at Xena. “I knew that.” She winked to the man who looked at her crazy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today was the day. The day of the big play. The stage was set the people were already seated and most of the cast was throwing up in the back. Apparently a new epidemic broke out that day. It was caused by a small fly that crept into the canisters of soup. It was so contagious that everyone called it the “Sick Gabby.” People would go in the streets and when one of them started coughing another would say… “Hey man you got that Sick Gabby.” It was like that for a couple of days. And when everyone thought that the virus was dead it came back in a new and stronger form.
“Just like in real life.” Xena murmured.
“What was that Xena.”
“Nothing Gabrielle…so I guess you have to cancel the play since everyone has gotten sick.”
“The hell I am….I’m not going to cancel this play until Hades runs around screaming the world is over. Even if I have to strap a bunch people to chairs who are puking their lungs out. I am going to have this play.” Gabrielle walked over to all the actors who were green and half in the bathroom..
“Okay listen up crew…you have two choices you either go up there and act or I give you some more soup.” Gabrielle nodded her head and pointed to the curtain. The actors got up and began to walk to the curtain but stopped and ran to the bathroom instead. “ohhhhhh…..crap.”
Gabrielle sat on a bucket and thought there for awhile when she finally got an idea. She ran outside and to the one of the nearest temples, telling Xena to stall. Xena got up on the stage and started telling some really crappy jokes.
“So does anybody know how a blonde died drinking milk……the cow fell on her..”
The crowd sat there in silence. “So I see we have a lot blondes.”
“psssss…Xena…psss.”
Xena looked back and saw Gabrielle looking at her. Xena waved good-bye to the audience and went behind the curtain. When she got there she was shocked to find Aphrodite, Cupid, Hades, Ares, and Gabrielle huddled over a hat picking out parts.
“GABRIELLE…what the hell are you doing.”
“Nice to see you too Xena…look I was out of people so I just asked Aphrodite to help me.”
“And she helped you because.”
Gabrielle smiled widely and brought out a small bottle from around her back.
“Hairspray.” Xena screamed at Aphrodite. “Your helping her for hairspray. Of all the pathetic things…”Then she looked at Cupid who was blushing.. “So what did she get on you.” Looking back at Gabrielle, Xena saw a small golden comb that was lying in her hand too. “And you were supposed to be the smart one.” Hades smothered his laughter until Xena came to him. “And you.” Gabrielle held out a pair of slippers.
“Xena...”Hades murmured. “They keep my feet warm. It’s always cold down there and well….I like my feet warm.” Xena shook her head as she came to Ares who stood up straight and never made eye contact. “Well what do you have for him Gabrielle…I’m quite interested in seeing it.
“Well Xena…I don’t have anything. He probably came to win you back in his usual crap filled manner.” Ares rolled his eyes and looked at Xena.
“That’s right…See…I came for you.”
Hades snickered and let out a “whatever”, when Xena walked over to him. “Have something to say Hades. “Only this.” Hades brought his hands from his back, showing Xena a small wooden horsey.
“TROY.” Ares yelled as he jumped forward trying to get a hold of it but fell on the floor when Hades brought his hands back.
“ah…yes Troy.” Hades started. “Ares baby bedside pal. I stole it from him when he was eight. Poor Ares cried for years until he found something other to sleep with.”
“which was.”
“Girls.”
Everybody let out a silent ‘oh’ and looked at Ares who had already gotten off the floor. “Hey …like Zeus never did it.”
“Okay everybody shut up…Now draw from the hat and pick out your part.” Gabrielle showed everyone the hat and one by one everyone got their part.
Aphrodite let out a cry. “Eliiii….I don’t want some god hating homosexual.”
“Too bad.” Ares yelled, trying not to laugh.
Hades looked at his script next and saw in big bold letters. Amarice. Turning pale, Hades let out his disagreement but was soon quieted when Gabrielle was holding a torch near his shoes.
Cupid looked relieved when his mom got Eli, and happily opened up his script. Seeing that he was Gabrielle. He frowned and was about to leave when he realized that he might actually get to kiss Xena in this one.
It was Ares turn and when he looked down in the script, he saw something he never thought he see. On the top of the script in big bold letters it read : Xena: Warrior Princess. Ares almost gagged at the thought and handed the script to Xena who laughed at him.
“NO…you picked ..you play. What is it Ares afraid you can’t live up to my standards.”
“What are you talking about Xena. I am the best actor this world has ever seen. You’ll see. I’ll be such a better Xena, people will like me more than you.” Ares smiled.
Xena rolled her eyes and was about to walk off stage when Gabrielle stopped her…. .where do you think your going.
“Out in the audience to watch the play.”
“Oh no your not….you have a script.”
“No I don’t. Look Gabrielle I don’t care what you do. I am not going to be in your stupid play.” Xena was about to leave when she smelt something burning. She turned back to see her chakram in Gabrielle’s hand and a lighted torch on the other. “Oh just give me the script. How did you get all those things from the gods anyways.”
“Well you know how we go and visit or fight with the gods.”
“Yeah.”
“Well when your talking…I go on a shopping spree.”
Xena walked off wondering exactly how many brain cells Gabrielle lost and opened the script in her hand yelling out “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo..” in the process.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gabrielle walked out on the stage, seeing that everyone was there, and began to talk to the audience. "Friends, Romans, Countrymen....no wait...wrong play. Hold on." Gabrielle pulled out a small piece of paper with some glasses and began to read. "We are gathered here today to join this man and this....DAMN IT...where the hell is my speech...oh wait here it is...I accidentally hid it in my boob. As I was saying, I'm here to show you a famous tale of a warrior bitchess and the Queen Gabrielle. Before I begin, I have to say I'm gay...HEY." Gabrielle turns around and sees Xena laughing with Ares in the back.
"OH THE HELL WITH IT....here is the play." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Play format]
{stage is set with two tables and Aphrodite and Hades are Eli and Amarice]
Aphrodite-(sighs and reads off her hand) So Amarice, Xena and Gabrielle are dead. I think I will bring Xena and Gabbrielle back from the dead. Stop reading and begin to chant....WHAT...oh.(Aphrodite starts to chant ) Oh lama lama OH lama lama...
Hades-(in a monotome voice) He...he...he...like-okay (whispers to himself)Who talks like this.
Aphrodite-(starts to cry on stage) Who cares...what the hell am I wearing...I think it has a life of its own.
GAB-SHUT THE HELL UP BEFORE I GET XENA TO KILL YOU WITH HER DEFECTED, ANNOYING CHILD. Hey Xena where did we leave eve anyways..
Xena-We gave to herc and Iolous to raise as their own remember.
Gab- Ah Yes...poor gay couple can't adopt.