Ares where are you? Xena asked herself, she had deliberately come out into the forest, away from camp and Gabrielle so that he had a chance to come. Come, come on don’t make me call out to you. Xena thought it and then said it out loud, just over a whisper, so that he could hear. He always listened to her it seemed.
Xena felt prickling on the back of her neck and her heart race took up it’s pace. Finally she thought.
“You called?” Ares piped up from behind her, amusement, as always, in his voice.
“No, I haven’t yet.” Xena set him straight, how did she explain what she wanted? I suppose I should just jump straight in, improvise. Okay…easy. “I just thought it might be pleasant to see you again, I mean it’s been a while.” She teased, this game she knew well.
Ares gave her a you-think-I’m-that-gullible look, then a smile touched his lips. Gods those lips Xena’s mind whispered to her, she immediately scolded it; This is not the time and it’s so not true, well…
“Do you need my help Xena? You need something from the God of War, your ultimate enemy?” How he could look so gorgeous and still say such ugly worlds Xena did not know. He was trying to get her back up, easy you said Xena thought.
“We aren’t enemies, never will be.” She said flippantly, “Look, Ares, I’ll cut the chase, I really wanted to know whether or not you were busy?”
Ares was a little taking a back, it usually took them a while to get to the point and it was usually fun but now he saw that she was in need of something, she needed something from him and not just his time, he was intrigued but a little wary; things with Xena, since she left him, were never easy.
“I’m never too busy for my chosen now Xena you know that.” He could swear he heard her mutter ‘don’t I know that just too well’ she he tutted at her for emphasis, something he knew she hated, but since she was asking him for something he felt he could push it and after that comment she deserved it.
“Ummm…” Xena started, but she seemed to have trouble finding the words.
“Xena? Talk to me; I’ll give you what I can, you know that.” He said seriously, he hated to she her in difficult situations, ones he didn’t know if she could get through anyway, plus he really didn’t like that look on her face, it made him think she might ask for the world or his soul. Not that he would have minded giving her either of those things, she did already own one of them.
Xena’s eyes closed, she struggled within herself and then barely above a whisper she said, “That’s it, Ares, that’s what I want, to talk to you, please?”
The vulnerability she had just shown to him was gut wrenching, his arms were around her before he could think. “Xena, you can always do that, it’s no great submission. Tell me.” Though he knew if was the other way around it would definitely be, he was surprised she even showed this side in front of him, the stuff he had done over the last three years.
Her story started off slowly and tentatively more a reminder than to him than a story…
Four summers before I left you and my army, our relationship had developed, it was after that big ball up on Olympus, you and I had had an argument and then the anger changed, it poured out and it became passion and it stayed that way for the whole night. But you know those details, I dare say you helped make them. We carried on in this way whilst I ran my army, it was after Borias and Solan, so there was no reason not to and it was very fun…
After the battle near Trittico I had an unexpected guest; after the battle the battle I had bathed my wounds and had a sleep before I did the usual filing through of the prisoners. You appeared before I got the chance to change though and I got extremely side-tracked. It was a full two hours before I got to the chore of filing through the prisoners and I was in a particularly good mood and I suppose that it why it hit me as hard at it did. I had gotten through half of the prisoners, hardily any of them were very good but they were useful, they could clean and cook and I wasn’t in the mood for disposing of everyone anyway, I was in a hurry to get back to the tent. This happened to be the subject I pondering over too, when something slapped me a cross the face. I was shocked, no-one hit me, no-one dared do so and lived. I was angry and completely shocked. I smiled, ready for the kill, but as a brought my face back up, dramatically slow I stared the person straight in the eye and I recognised him. He was one of the men that had fought with Lyceus and myself to defend Amphipolis, his name was Gilos. He had to pay for slapping me but I couldn’t kill this man, of all the people I had killed this one got to me, he had known and loved Lyceus, it would be like killing a part of me. I did the only thing I could do, I smiled wicked and ordered him to be chained up in the tent next to mine so that I could personally torture this man. I made careful description so as to frighten the rest of the prisoners and warn my men that this was not the behaviour I liked. I had no idea what I supposed to do, I couldn’t show weakness and yet I couldn’t kill him, perhaps I would follow out my own orders. My good mood was gone and I ordered the rest of the prisoners to be murdered, this wiped the smile off of Gilos’ face, he begged me not to and I enjoyed watching him suffer and even partook of the killing of the others. It cleared up my anger but not be situation. Gilos was taken and tied as ordered in the tent next to mine.
I deliberately went back to my tent, to you, to get rid of these, silly feelings, to burn them out. I entered the tent and all I found was a note, a quick sorry I got bored. I was furious, Gilos had caused me to not only question myself but he had wasted my time with the man I wanted to be with. I went over to the tent and beat it out of him, “How dare you!” I screeched at him. When I had tried my self though I began to relax a little, I felt better, I pulled up a chair and watched the blood pour out of the man that had caused me that much anguish, a triumphant smile was on my lips.
“You are no more than what Cortese was. You are worse. You never deserved you brother, he died for your cause and look what it is. If only he had known he would have let us all die.” With my guard down the words hurt, some part of me had always felt that this was true and here was this man I used to admire and respect voicing it.
“That not true.” I said, hitting him in the face with my foot, this made him unconscious and also left a deathly silence. I only had my own thoughts to occupy me and his words grew. I couldn’t bare to blame myself though, I blamed you, Ares because you had helped me get that good, that cruel and feared. In those few minutes I hated you for what I was, for the shame I had brought to Lyceus, I knew he could never be proud of it but I was past that point I was hooked on the kill, the bloodlust, the idea of running an army and conquering villages and towns. It was like a drug, that life and I needed it. When Gilos woke up, I was silently crying, something no-one had ever seen me do and something I hadn’t done since I had given Solan away and when Borias had died.
Gilos did the worst thing he could possibly have done, he tried to comfort me with those pathetic words of his, “It doesn’t matter, people will forgive you, you just have to be strong and pull through it, make Cyrene proud.” At the mention of my mother I saw again in my mind’s eye the day she had forced me away, blamed me for Lyceus’ death, it was all me and my little battle, if not for it he would be alive. This man was trampling on my heart and doing it with compassion! I spat at him and drew my sword, I went into a violent rage. My war cry rang out and skewed him, calling for the servants, the prisoners to clean up the mess I had made of him. I then went and out and did sword drills until the morning light. I crawled back to my tent at about two hours after sun rise. I slept all day. You came that nioght and I turned away from you when you appeared, you got angry but I ignored you, your words were somehow muted and I fell asleep again before you had even finished your rantings and left, not that you noticed. It carried on like this for about a month. I went about half-heartedly doing my job, organising things and training until I fell a sleep, hating the nightmares I was having, but not caring all that much at the same time. It was as if the world was a haze, I hardely remember the time, I had planned a battle, we were going up against massive odds, but it was all so well planned and there was no-way we would loose.
The day before the battle I had a fitful sleep, I was tired that morning and knew that I could harily stand up, let along battle. I let the army in anyway and it went according to plan for everyone else, I think we won. I don’t really know. My heart to came to life on the battlefield though, I was yelling with all of it, slicing my way through people, but my body was still tired and I couldn’t really control it properly, I was stumbling and missing bits of information that I never would have usually, mainly the info about the rest of the battle, I concentrated on one person only and didn’t even see the person behind me until his sword was two inches from my torso, too late for me to react. You appeared though, your body still sparkling as your sword blocked that attack. I looked at you, but you were so mad, I shrunk back and this scared you. Another sword was heading my way, I knew it and knew I should defend myself but I couldn’t move I fell into you, it was all I could do. You immediately transported us to one of your castles, I was still really shocked though, I didn’t really take anything in. You stood infront of me, supporting me and I gently came back to my senses and my mind was screaming at me. I could have killed myself, I know in the morning I wasn’t fit enough to do it. I pushed you away from my and stormed around the room. I was angry again, it seemed that I couldn’t be normal I had to go from one extreme to the other and I was seeing red. You were angry too, it never took much for you to get angry anyway, but I was way over the limit an d I knew it and I still pressed on. I shoved your help back into your face, refusing to answer to your shouts of rage with the question, “What the hell is wrong with you! You would have been killed!”. I’m not really sure what happened, but we unsheathed our swords and we were fighting, no training fight either, you were going for the kill and I was just going for it, I knew you couldn’t die but all I wanted was to hack you limb from limb. I found myself swordless before long and then so did you, I kicked from your gasped with strength I have never felt before, we then went hand to hand, with turned into wrestling which…well…, try to think back to the first time, on Mt. Olympus. It was the same, it was ferocious and it went on for the whole night, until I fell asleep in your arms.
I woke up in the same position, with the sun streaming in through the windows, I still had no idea where we were, but I didn’t care. I looked up at you, you were sleeping oh so peacefully and my heart went out and then I iced it over. I had to get out of here, this couldn’t happen again. I still blamed you, not for the battle, not even for Lyceus’ death, I know just blamed you for letting me live. I couldn’t kill myself and I couldn’t let anyone kill me, but you were better and you could have done it if you wanted to, but you didn’t you left me to suffer my own guilt and for this I couldn’t stand to be in that position with you.
I slipped out of your arms Those firm gorgeous arms (she thought to herself) and I left, I found a road I recognised and went to the nearest person I knew. By the time I got to Cassandra’s house it was obvious to me that I was pregnant, I had morning sickness and felt sleepy a lot of the time. When I got to Cassandra’s home though, you were there, you had been waiting.
My heart leapt when I saw you, you were as gorgeous as ever and you held the promise of war, which I also loved. But I had a child to think about now and I had to get you angry enough to go away and stay away.
I was short with you, “Ares go away.” I said as coldly as I could.
“Why did you leave? Without a word, Xena.” You were upset, not angry at me but disappointed in me. I could have cried, I would have to if it wasn’t for what you said next. “I don’t need you.” I returned just as icily. It was one of the reasons I left you in the end, I never wanted to disappoint you and would never ever give one word of encouragement. (sigh, on with the story)…
“Oh, you do, Xena, you have no idea and when you realise it you’ll come crawling back, begging, and you know what I only used you in the first place. You think I was really in love with you.”
“I never thought you were in love me, it was a suiting arrangement, it now isn’t. You really should leave, you’re showing yourself up, I didn’t think Gods needed us mere mortals.” That did the trick, I had damaged your pride, rejected a God and spoken in a superior manner. You were so angry I thought you might send a fire ball in my direction, you never hurt me though.
“Don’t come calling out for help from me Xena, you’ll never get it and I might just help out your enemy instead.” With that you left, but you were still listening so I twisted the knife, by absently muttering, “What a loser, lets hope I don’t have to deal with him again.” I then walked up to Cassandra’s door and knocked.
It was there that I realised I needed you, every meal we sat as a happy family, the children squealing in glee at covering themselves with their food. The adults around me laughing; reminding me what was to come. I talked to Cassandra, we had always got on but I felt so alone there. I missed the war, the bloodshed, a certain god I was in love with. I realised that I couldn’t escape my fate, I was how I was and there wasn’t any point in denying it. I stayed, I thought of the child and reflected on myself. I decided that I was already hooked on the war and bloodshed, but I had a choice whether or not to bring my child into it. It would be harder keeping the child from the life of war. It’s father of the god of it and if you found you would have taken him away from me at it’s birth and brought it up to be the best warlord ever seen. I knew this and I knew it was not right for a child, like had to decided to give Solan up, I decided that I must give up this child, even though this time I could have been a mother I knew all I could bring the child hurt. I also had a lot of enemies, the chance to me through my child would have been unmissable for most of them. The keep it save therefore I would inform you, I would doom my own unborn child without so much as it’s first cry.
I knew what I had to do; I craved for the war and you, I was doomed myself, it was either break my heart or doom my child. I chose like any good mother would to break my heart, I almost backed out when I came full term, I would have backed out, if you hadn’t turned up. I was at my desk, in my room and I felt your presence, I almost died, I couldn’t hide a huge lump from you. You didn’t notice though, you didn’t even step out of the aether, you just watched for almost half an hour as I continued to do what I did without moving from behind the desk. I was afraid in that half an hour, I was afraid I would just stand up and jump at you, proclaiming my thirst for vengeance and blood.
You left, I carried on for a whole two weeks and then I went into labour, it was agony, worse than when I had had Solan, I was screaming out, biting my lips in fear of shouting for you, I only really felt safe with you. I only had the child, a girl, for two days before I felt I would never live if I let her go. I named her, I called her Aurora, it was as pretty as she was, she had your nose and dark brown eyes, her hair was raven black; such a pretty little girl.”
The Xena of the present felt a tear slide down her cheek. “It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, when Solan…when he was born I didn’t even hold him; only to take him to the village to give to the centaurs.”
“The day I gave her up, my heart broke and I hated you like nothing else, leading me into the life of war, making me fear for her safety, for you just being you, I wouldn’t have come back at that point, I had decided that I would just leave and settle in an unknown village, I wouldn’t even take my daughter, I would just leave all the pain behind and start anew.
Then, again, just when my resolve was strong, when I might have left, you came into my room; this time you appeared. At the first sight of you my heart melted and my blood started to flow again, all the old passions awakened, my heart seemed to fix a little though it would never heal, but the hate I felt turned in onto myself; it was all my fault how dare I blame someone else yada yada yada. You were angry at me for not giving in and be so stubborn as to stay away for so long, I remember the luck of it, you came when the child had left only days before. I lapped it up, almost seeming to ignore the words, because it was your voice and I had missed it for so long. I didn’t leave with you that night, I told you that I would not come at his beck and call and the fact that you did for me was your choice. I could almost laugh at the pettiness of it now, but I needed the time. I spent the next two months getting back in shape, having visits from you, getting sicker of the family life around me, getting impatient at just waiting.
I did leave though and I returned to the life of war, more bloody and ruthless than ever, pleasing you more than ever and I must have seemed crazy. Without your guidance I might have conquered the world over the next few years, loosing my soul forever, just bathing in the blood of all my victims. No-one could so much as bruise me, they would be dead before they made contact. I forgot about Gilos I tried to forgot about Aurora and Solan and I found comfort in you and the war you gave me. I lived in a perfect world for a time, before I realised that it wasn’t what I wanted, before Hercules, before ‘the greater good’, but where does that get ya, huh?”
She finally looked up at Ares, expecting to see the disappointment there again, she found that all he looked was confused and a little hurt. She herself was dreading the next few moments, this was what was important. She felt the tears pour down her face, this was important.
“Why? Why didn’t you trust me?” He asked, knowing the answer to be that he had used all his other children that had any power and a child with his Chosen would always be the most powerful with a mortal. Didn’t she see that as his Chosen she had different rules in his life; all he had ever wanted was a child by Xena, he loved her. Why else did she think that he set up plans and schemes to get her back?
“Why are you telling me now?” He asked as his thoughts rounded; something was obviously wrong, Xena wouldn’t cry like this; with her tear following though her head was help high now; wouldn’t open her heart to him like this unless something was wrong. He prayed, he wasn’t sure who to but he prayed that the child was okay, knowing that it was wasn’t. He could except almost anything except the death of his daughter, the daughter he had wanted all of his eternal life; that said something.
“Xena?” He prompted, hating to be the bully only wanting to hold her and comfort her like he should be doing. He had to know though, he had to know what happened to the child, why Xena was coming to him. He held his breath, looking at Xena trying to read what was wrong, to no avail.
“Ares…please.” Xena said, breaking down, immediately his arms were around her, as the sobs racked her body. He held on tightly through the violent attacks, gently rocking her back and forth, desperate to help her, to calm her. He had tears coming from his own eyes now, just looking at her like this, over their child, felt like his chest had been ripped open and his beating heart removed.
Xena felt his tears on her neck, she couldn’t control her own body, she hated this helpless feeling. The only way to save her child, Ares and her child was to speak now and think now; not lay in a heap sobbing.
She pulled all of her effort together to gain control, she was still shaky and her voice quavered but she got it out; “Ares, you have to help, she’s ill, she’s going to DIE! Unless we do something and I just feel so helpless!” Ares’ eyes showed only concern, his body only love. Xena moved closer to him, putting her head against his chest, and then in a little girls voice she added, “Please, I can’t do this.” At this the sobbing overtook her once again, with Ares trying to comfort her to no avail. He was lost, he had never seen Xena like this, nor expected to but his heart truly did belong to her and he knew no matter what was causing his daughter pain he would put a stop to it.
Ares had sat there all night with Xena, until she had drifted off to sleep, he had quickly moved Argo, Gabrielle and all of their supplies to one of his temples with a note to Gabrielle and instructions to his priestess’ on what to do when Gabrielle awoke.
He still held Xena, whilst doing this, he then transported Xena and himself to the Halls of war, where Xena’s old room was. He gently got into the bed with her on his chest. Removing her armour and replacing it with a nightgown in a thought. He thought about leaving her but found that he couldn’t, he needed to be there for her and he was in love, he just sat and watched her sleep all night, like the princess she was. His thoughts kept going back to his daughter, he even thought about getting his mirror so that he could check what the illness or injuries were but decided to wait for Xena, Xena needed to be involved, he knew she felt helpless and this was the only way she knew hope to help.
Xena awoke laying on the chest of the God of war, she didn’t mind straight away, snuggling a little closer, before she realised the previous night and the comfort he had given her then too. She couldn’t allow herself to indulge in Ares and right now there were more pressing matters, the matter of her daughter.
She opened her eyes and stayed still for just a moment longer, still loving the feel of the War God, still loving the War God she realised, it didn’t really matter though she reasoned because they couldn’t and wouldn’t ever be together. She sighed softly and then got up. Sitting on the edge of the bed, plucking up the courage to look at Ares, afraid of the look on his face, she couldn’t even tell what hers was. She just prayed she didn’t look how she felt. She turned, facing Ares, to be rewarded with a smile from him, a rather amused and arrogant smile she had to admit and her heart surged, he had made things easier for her, instead of bringing up the whole crying episode and the sobbing, lack of control, he looked as though he understood her feelings and only wanted to help. She couldn’t help but smile back, the first smile she had had since hearing the news, brought to her when she was riding towards to