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Mystery Science Theater 3000 Presents

#907, Hobgoblins

The vast, deserted movie lot of a once-prominent Hollywood film studio is home to a vicious group of furry, grinning, toothy little aliens who read their victims' minds and kill them by making their dreams come true. But I've got this week's show to talk about, so I'll get back to that situation later.
I'm kidding, of course. That IS the story of Hobgoblins. There's a lot more, too. Why, there's a nerd who's really into phone sex; a mean guy with a van who delights in beating up his friends; a wiry slut with a perpetual sneer and her uptight never-been-blanked friend; an old janitor, a bad nightclub emcee, and a hairy bouncer, and all this disparate crew are united by two very important things: they can't act and I don't care about them.

Neither will you, once you've seen this movie.

Oh, I forgot, there's our requisite hero who doesn't do anything. Other than that I can't remember anything about him.
Just so this summary does its job, here's the basic outline: These hobgoblins escape the studio, follow a rookie security guard home, and all his friends are nearly killed by their perverted fantasies. Following a long scene at a "strip" club that simply does not even vaguely fulfill its stated premise, the hobgoblins somehow get back to the studio (I honestly forget how and I refuse to go look again) where a crotchety older security guard who's been keeping them trapped for decades saves the day by blowing them up.
Which, of course, begs the question as to why he didn't do that a long time ago, but you won't have enough energy to ask that question, believe me.

Prologue: Everyone on the SOL is turning each other on, even though (like Robert Palmer) they don't mean to.
Segment One: Pearl needs the SOL to store a couch for her, and they immediately don pajamas and begin jumping on it. In retaliation, she sends them Hobgoblins.

Segment Two: Crow produces an instruction film for young men on how to treat women. His only real claim is that they don't exist (it turns into a parody of Bigfoot documentaries).

Segment Three: Crow sets up a crisis hotline for people watching the movie. Bobo calls with his own kind of crisis - he's in love with a woman of another species. Does he mean Pearl?

Segment Four: Mike has a brilliant plan: they all escape while decoying Pearl with cardboard cut-outs of themselves while a crude tape plays. It nearly works, too.

Segment Five: Servo goes back in time and kicks Rick Sloane in the shins; Crow reads an interview with Sloane wherein he says being kicked by a robot gave him the inspiration to do the movie. In the castle, Bobo and Brain Guy are jumping on the couch, which makes Pearl quietly yet seethingly angry.
Stinger: Several shots of the hobgoblins driving a golf cart (why ask why?).

Oh, man. You have no idea the torture it was to watch this movie several times in the space of a week. It shoots right to the top of the list of the worst movies we've ever done. Speaking personally, the only one I hated as much was probably Overdrawn At The Memory Bank, and even that experience bred a less intense sort of hate, leaving an aftertaste not quite so malignant and foul.
On the bright side, there's potential for a real peace in Northern Ireland for the first time in living memory. At least this movie did nothing to prevent that.
- Paul Chaplin

Mystery Science Theater 3000 movie/episodes availability on video and on DVD and even books

The best book for looking up movie titles and descriptions is the Movie / Video Guide by Leonard Maltin, though it may not have a listing for a movie as bad as Hobgoblins...
Hobgoblins was released on videotape, but was out of stock the last time I checked. I'm sure they're going to re-issue it to meet all the demand that there must be for a fine film like Hobgoblins...

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