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#811:
Parts: The Clonus Horror


Send In The Clones
What appears to be a summer camp for tiny-brained adults turns out to be a secret encampment of clones, raised to provide body parts for (can you guess?) rich white people. Peter Graves is one of the whitest people there's ever been and in this movie he's also rich, so he's running for President. His brother is rich and white too but has something of a conscience, so when he meets his own clone - a thunderingly stupid fellow with a perpetually downcast mouth - he feels kinda bad. I mean who wouldn't, faced with your slim-shouldered womany clone looking at you with those big cow eyes?
This thick clone has escaped from the cruel and frankly condescending caretakers of the impenetrably isolated clone world by crossing an ankle-deep river and a line of medium-sized hills. As luck would have it he runs smack dab into Keenan Wynn and his wife, who between bouts of really bitter and pointless bickering take something of a shine to the young semi-human. They introduce him to Peter Graves' brother, thus setting in motion a chain of events. There are at least two events that I can remember.

Sadly (I guess), the Keenan Wynns are blown up by the forces of evil whiteness, our sad sack hero is recaptured, his clone girlfriend is given an entirely gratuitous lobotomy, and everything just falls apart. Keenan manages to get word of the project to a reporter, but knowing rich white people as I do I wouldn't be surprised if they got their way regardless.

Prologue: Mike sports a mustache for the first time in his life, and the robots are supportive. Servo: "You've given me the confidence I need. I'm gonna go get a big stinky spiral cut ham and staple it to my top lip!"
Segment One: On the planet, three evil space children have the power to make Pearl, Observer, and Bobo do anything, including hit themselves. On the SOL, Mike and the 'Bots discuss child nurturing techniques, and try to talk the kids out of sending them the movie. That fails, natch.

Segment Two: While Pearl and Brain Guy play Candyland with two of the hideous tikes, Bobo tosses a ball with the third, who nails Bobo right in his expansive area: "Excuse me, Tante Bobo has to go see Uncle Reconstructive Urologist."
Segment Three: Candyland continues; Bobo gets hit in the mess again; Pearl needs a break. The SOL obliges by staging two kids' TV shows. The first is an oddly quiet affair; the second features Mike (in gold hot pants) and the whole crew mimicking that frantic Mexican show that makes you wonder what in blazes is going on down south of the border.
Segment Four: The kids simply must know the facts of life, so Pearl and her companions try and fail to explain. Pearl's bitterness shines through. Bobo: "You're gonna get kicked in the face, that's always part of it... grab one leg and hold on tight!" Bobo's poor abused area gets it again, of course.
Segment Five: Crow gets a nose job, leaving him with a tiny tiny nose, like the woman in the movie. The evil kids are almost asleep, so Servo composes a beautiful lyrical lullaby - and sets it to a rousing march, waking them. Bobo's hit right in the batch again (that never happened in Village Of The Damned, or did it?)

During the end credits there's a delightful little joke wherein Mike impersonates Peter Graves promising an upcoming "Biography" on the life of Peter Graves. Then, lo and behold, not a week after we taped this episode, there it was in the real world: Peter Graves on "Biography." Damme!*
Since the older clones (in the world of the film) are really getting on in years, some of them nearing forty and even fifty, evidently this top-secret project has been around since at least the 1930's. Unless I'm mistaken, science in the 1930's consisted almost entirely of spindly rockets rising twelve feet and crashing back to the ground.

So the movie's implausible, I guess is my point.

Another thing: the great majority of these clones would never get used! Most of us go through life and never need a transplant of any sort, so what you'd have is a bunch of really old clones, hanging around, expecting to be entertained and fed. Which would be okay, they seem fairly easy to keep happy, but what would be the point? I ask you.

- Paul Chaplin

* Producer's Note: Paul has recently taken to using the antiquated term "damme", pronounced, phonetically "Dammee", a Middle English oath of self-derision, out of use for better than 150 years in this country. We believe Paul's use of this term serves no greater purpose than to annoy us and lord his mastery of dictionary use over us. Paul also uses anachronistic slang such as "nurtling om-tiddly-om-pom" and "shiny-bumming Willy-Wag", prompting us to theorize that his brain once belonged to a nineteenth-century British gunnery Seargent*, was subsequently pickled and installed in the bony skull of our own Paul when he was very young.

* Note from TVG: Seargent in this context should not be confused with Dick Sargent, who played Darren in Bewitched, as well as one of the white characters in this clone movie, though I don't remember which one because I really wasn't paying attention in class.

The best book for looking up movie titles and descriptions is the Movie / Video Guide by Leonard Maltin.
If for some reason this fine film isn't available on videotape, you can still get Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie while supplies last...

Or on to the next episode, #812 (the one with the incredibly long title)

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