Looking in the mirror Thoughts race through my
mind A missing link Only knowing so much These questions may not
have an answer
Through the years of growing up I
sometimes felt like an outcast, alone,
like there was always somthing missing
in my heart. As I got older I realized
that I had a strong desire to find my
birth mother.
I wanted to see another person in the
world that looked somthing like me. I
wanted to know "why" I was given up. I
wondered if I had any brothers or
sisters.
The only piece of my birth parents I had
growing up was a paper with their
physical description. That just was not
enough! So at the age of 25 I decided
that I was going to find her. I started
by calling the agency which I was
adopted through. They sent me some
information on how to go about searching
for my birth mother. When I received
this information it said I had to go
through the courts and that it would be
costly. I started to feel my hopes
dropping, but I still went on with it.
I was DETERMINED!!! After a
few months I was assigned an
intermediary (kind of like a P.I.
assigned to find my birth mom through
the courts). She was real nice and said
that she would do all she could to find
her for me. She said she would call as
soon as she found out more.
I was a nervous wreck day after
day. Everytime the phone rang my heart
would drop! After 4 days of speaking
with the intermediary I received her
phone call...heart beating a million
miles an hour! The first words out of
her mouth were...I found your mom! I
have never felt so happy, scared,
nervous and excited in all my life! Talk
about "mixed emotions". She told
me that I had 2 brothers. That both my
"birth" parents...mother and
father...were married and still
together. I could'nt believe it. How
neat, I thought..."here I set out to
find just my birth mother and I might
get to meet my birth father also!" But
then I wondered...If they are still
together...than why did they give me up?
The intermediary could not tell me
anything more at that time
unfortunetely. She said that she had to
first contact them and see how they felt
about all of this, and then if they
wanted to meet me too then they would
have to sign a consent form before the
intermediary could give me anymore
information. She said for me to write a
letter to my birth parents telling them
how I would like to meet them...and then
I should send it to her (the
intermediary) and then she would send it
to my birth parents! In the mean time
while I was to write the letter...she
would be contacting them by phone to
tell them how I am looking for them.
That is when the fright really set
in..."are they going to want to see me?"
"Will they even remember me?" Lot's of
thoughts were going through my mind. I
was afraid of being rejected "again"!
Days went by while I waited to hear from
the intermediary. I could not eat,
sleep, or even think straight. I even
experienced a palpitation for the first
time in my life while I waited!
I finally received her phone call. She
said that my birth mother was crying on
the phone with her and that "YES" she
wanted to meet me. I started crying and
laughing and was just so relieved. We
had to wait about 2 weeks for the
consent form to be signed and sent back
to the intermediary before I could know
what her name was, where she lived and
what she did for a living. After that 2
week wait the intermediary called and
gave me her name, phone number and all
other basic info on her. By absolute
surprise she lived only 15 minutes away
from me. I had even been through the
area in which she lived many times
through-out my life! My birth mother was
also given my phone number and the
intermediary said that she (my birth
mom) was going to
call me around 6:00 that evening. Boy,
was I scared! Here I was about to talk
to my birth mother for the first time in
my life. All the questions I had growing
up were about to be answered! When the phone rang at 6:00 my heart
about flipped and my hands started
shaking. I answered the phone with a
hello and I heard her voice for the
first time. We could'nt believe how much
our voices sounded alike. The shock of
it made us both laugh and then we heard
that our laughs were even alike. We set a
day and time for us to meet. I was very
nervous and wanted everything to be
perfect so I would leave a good first
impression. We decided on meeting in a
private secluded place...her beauty
salon that she owned...after business
hours.
On the way driving there I could feel
the tears welling up in my eyes, I tried
so hard not to cry so I would'nt mess up
my eye make-up. I brought my husband and
my 2 children with me. That made me feel
more secure. As we pulled up in front of
her salon I could see my birth father
through the window. He was a tall,
handsome, young looking man. I had
butterflies in my stomach so bad and it
was so hard to keep from crying. I
walked slowly up to the door and opened
it. My birth mother had her back
to me unaware that I was there so my
first words were to my birth father. He
stood up and smiled at me and said "hi".
I smiled back and replied "hi" in
return. My birth mother then turned
around and we were face to face. The
resemblance was amazing. We said hi and
stared at each other for about a minute.
We did'nt know if we should hug or what.
I was scared so I just sat down in a
chair. We were all so nervous, it was
almost like we did'nt know what to say
to each other. She left the room for a
moment and returned with a box in her
hand. She handed it to me and said "this
is for you". I opened it to find a
beautiful gold bracelet with my birth
stone through-out it. I started to cry
and she got down on her knees and put
the bracelet on my wrist. By then she
was starting to cry herself and she
leaned over and hugged me. We shared
pictures and stories. They told me about
my 2 brothers. (they did not know about
me yet) Later in the evening my birth
mother started to cry very hard and she
held me real tight and told me that she
loved me and that she was sorry. It was
then that I really understood how hard
it must of been for her all these years
after losing me. Well to make a long
story short...we decided to stay
together for the rest of ourlives. It
has been almost 3 years since our
reunion and we are like best friends. We
spend alot of time together and talk on
the phone almost everyday. My family and
I ended up moving closer to them 2 years
ago so now we live about 5 minutes from
one another. My adoptive parents are
sill in my life and always will be. They
are my family too. They are okay with
all of this but it was rough for them at
first. No matter what though...My
adoptive mom will always be my "mom".
She raised and loved me and nothing
biological could ever change that! I
just consider myself very lucky to have
2 mothers and fathers that love me very
much. :-))
Do I look like her?
Such a
lost feeling inside
Is there any kind
of cure?
Does she think of me?
Or has
she blocked it out
Like a painful
memory?
Gone
without a trace
Should I begin the
search?
Or give her, her
space?
And
wanting to know more
Many birthdays
gone by
Is she keeping
score?
From that mother who
is unknown
But one wish I got from
the Lord
Was a Mother, who my heart
she had sewn~
This poem was
written by me at the age of
13.
I
found out that I was given up because of
pressure from her family. Her parents
did not like her boyfriend (my birth
father) at that time and felt that they
were to young to keep me. She was only
16 and he was only 18. My birth mother
told me that giving me up was a horrible
experience. She held me at birth which
made it even more difficult for her to
give me up. She went through therapy to
help her deal with the feelings of
depression she was going through but
still struggled.