Rating- * (1/5)
Alright, if you read my review of this movie in The Crimson White then you’re in for a surprise here. I held back quite a lot in my column for the simple reason that it would have offended too many people I have to see every day. But here in the broader, more open forum of the World Wide Web, I feel slightly more comfortable revealing my true, unabridged thoughts about this movie. I made a decision some time ago to make these reviews at least a little more personal since my thoughts about a film are always going to be influenced by my opinions about life, politics, morals and everything else. I happened to have quite a unique opinion among people my age regarding the lifestyle that this movie so passively glorifies: the lifestyle of binge drinking and casual sex. These things are taken for granted as a normal, healthy lifestyle in this film and before addressing anything else about this film I have let you know how I feel about this. First, let me say that I don’t judge people, no matter what mistakes they make. Almost everyone I know that is my age engages in the occasional drinking binge and some (not most, but some) occasionally have sexual encounters with people they really don’t know very well. Like I said before, I don’t judge these people; if I did, I wouldn’t have many friends. But what this movie and most of the MTV culture ignores is the repercussions of such activity. When kids get wasted on MTV, they never have hangovers or get sick or find out the next week that they have an STD. People that disagree with me argue that this lifestyle doesn’t always yield bad consequences, which is like justifying committing a crime because you won’t necessarily get caught. Obviously, I have many religious and moral beliefs that form my opinion on this subject, but I will say that no one who knows me would describe me as unhappy and yet I’ve never been drunk nor had sex. All of which is to say, a major reason for my distaste for this film is its blatant glorification of a lifestyle which I find despicable. Whew! Now that that’s out of the way, I can tell you everything else that’s wrong with this movie (if you’re still even reading this anymore). The basic premise of the film is very similar to MTV’s original reality show, The Real World, only this time it’s on a smaller scale. The filmmakers selected 12 extremely attractive college-aged kids and sent them on an all-expenses-paid trip to Cancun on the condition that they all live together and that their entire spring break be filmed. The characters are mostly indiscernible since they are all either beefed up guys looking to hook up or amorous girls who hook up between shots of tequila but there are a few characters that stand out. In the foreground of most of the party scenes are the conveniently gorgeous identical twin sisters who make their impression early in the film by stripping naked for a wet t-shirt contest. They really have no purpose in the film except to be identical and naked. The other memorable character is Allen, a young man from Texas who is cool with all the casual sex but astonishingly has never had a drink in his life. This of course makes him an immediate target for the other roommates and they spend several scenes trying to get him to drink (I know how he feels). Unfortunately, Allen doesn’t have as strong a will as some of us and he quickly throws his remaining morals out the window. The event of Allen’s first shot is made out to be a joyous occasion in the film and by the end of the movie Allen is made to look quite the hero for abandoning his principles and just going along with the crowd. The rest of the movie focuses on the other characters in the house and their relentless attempts to hook up with each other. What little story is contained in this film is almost completely devoid of any meaning and even high-school moviegoers hoping to see some action will be disappointed with how dull and utterly uninteresting the people in this movie are. The sex we do see (with the help of some night-vision cameras) is fast, furious and passionless. It looks more like masturbation than sex, and in a way it is. There is no love, no passion, not even necessarily attraction. They are simply performing an act which makes them feel good for a few moments before they go back to whatever they were doing before. I apologize if such things sound crude to some readers but I am addressing a real issue and I feel the need to completely let loose on it in the most honest way possible. Anyway, my point is that these sex scenes more than any other scenes illustrate the problem with the way these kids live. They abuse the pleasures of life and take them to such extremes that they are not longer enjoyable but rather a way to fill time. It is almost as if these kids are trying to occupy their minds so they don’t have to think about the real problems they have in life, like school, their future career or their purpose in the world. These are the deeper issues that are clearly visible in this movie but issues that this movie never takes on. Like its subjects, this movie ignores the actual human aspects of what is going on and instead focuses on the purely visceral aspects (the naked bodies, the drunken behavior and the meaningless sex). This movie is not just a benign, meaningless bad movie; it could actually be dangerous. In many ways, movies and television programming like this are what continue to propagate the same demoralization and dehumanization of America’s youth culture and the only joy I find in this movie’s existence is the fact that it bombed horribly at the box office. Not only do I recommend that you not watch this movie, I beg that you not watch it. However, if the lifestyle described above describes your own, I would ask two things of you. First, please do not be offended by anything you’ve read in this review. Remember, I don’t judge anyone based on the mistakes they make. Second, and this is going to sound weird after all that, but watch The Real Cancun. It might, more than anything else, help you understand how harmful and dehumanizing such a lifestyle is and could perhaps change your mind. The Real Cancun is a haunting tribute to a dangerous lifestyle and is certainly now a leading candidate for the Worst Film of 2003.