Listen Up Now!
Hi, this is where I will be writting down whatever stupid, sick, and retarded thing the back of my mind manages to get out. If you don't like it you can get the hell out.
~ 04/04/03 ~ I've invented the best cure for Mononucleosis, that's Mono in case you are a dipshit who doesn't even know the real name of the disease.
So I'm sitting here in class one day and this bitch that sits behind me shows up after being absent for a week. The teacher, curious as to what the deal is, ask her where the hell she's been. The girl looks up and smiles before uttering "I had Mono."
At this point the bullshit meter goes off the scale and then explodes. I turn around and ask her what the fuck she just said. She looked at me and told me she had been sick with Mono for a week. I asked her how she got this disease and she told me it was probably from kissing her boyfriend too much. I asked her if a doctor told her she had Mono and she said no.
I looked down trying to withstand the pain that my brain had suffered from receiving such information. However, the biggest load of crap to ever enter my ears was yet to come. I asked her as slowly as I could... "Then how... the fuck... do you know... you had Mono?" She then proceeded to look at me like I had just told her I killed her parents this morning which made me want to rip off her slut cheeks filled with three pounds of makeup off. She goes "I had a fever and my throat hurt." After this I felt like shoving a pen up my eye in hopes of passing out from the pain.
Hey, feel like doing nothing for a week or two except sit around the house watching the TV and masturbate every now and then? Just tell your parents you have Mono! Hopefully your parents are retards otherwise it won't work. Take me for example, if I told my parents I had Mono and I couldn't go to school that day, they would tie me down to the bed and force me to stay laying there all day long while they brought me food three times during the course of the day, that would teach me not to come up with crap like that and it would prevent me from becoming a spoiled moron. But is that what parents do now adays? No.
If you tell your parents you feel sick and they tell you to just stay at home you might as well want to go ahead and cut your wrists. Who would want to live with parents that don't give a shit about you and prove it by letting you get away your bullshit? Now if you really feel sick, have them send you to the doctor. If the doctor tells you that you have Mono, you might as well give it up because doctors diagnose patients with Mono when they know they are full of bullshit but they just can't put it that way.
If I was a teacher and one of my students told me they had mono over the last few days I would give them a fucking referral for telling me a lie, and honestly things like that need to start happening so teenagers start thinking twice before trying to pull off a week of laziness at home that can be excused in such a lame way. If my kids ever tell me that they have Mono and can't go to school, I'll tell them not to worry because their bullshit has a very easy cure, a nice smack in the head. I assure any parent who might be reading this: To cure your kid from mono, just smack them in the face until the symptoms are gone. Not only does this treatment work, it guarantees that your child will never get Mono again.
Now, onto a similar subject...
If there are bullshit diseases, then it can only be safe to assume that there are also bullshit medicines. My two favorite ones are Advil and Tylenol. These medicines don't do jack shit. People who claim they cure their headaches need to be classified as jocks and therefore castrated. Even though the medicines are total bullshit, I can't talk shit about the creators of them. These guys have somehow managed to make people believe that their medicine can cure headaches. Now, you if you are like any other person who has heard this from me, you probably think I'm a dipshit and you'll start telling me how Advil works in your body to cure you and blah blah blah... Yeah? Well, save it, it won't work on me, I will never spend a penny on any of that crap.
The other day the same bitch told me she had a headache and asked me if I had some Advil. I was about to rip her head off to make it stop hurting but I decided to do something else. I gave her a white Tic-Tac and she swallowed it with the help of her water bottle thinking it was Advil. After ten minutes I asked her if she felt better and she said she did thanks to me. Oh! What a nice thing to say...
I hope you choke, bitch.
People who claim to have Mono and use Advil to cure their "headache" need to be treated correctly from this point on with the proper use of beatings. There is no need for a doctor to diagnose bullshit because there is only one symptom: The patient claims to have mono and/or wants Advil/Tylenol.
~ 03/16/03 ~ One of the most perfect things I've EVER read
Surfing around I found a site. It had a title and just a block of text in it. I was about to hit the back button until the first few words caught my attention. This is what I read:
It’s amazing that assholes can get girls. Actually, now that I think of it, it’s not that amazing. They are assholes at heart, but to meet girls they lavish their undying love. IT’S A CHARADE. They act nice, friendly, and they listen… until they get into what they’re after. Their prey thinks they are in love with them, however when they realize what assholes their predators really are, they pretend like the asshole is really nice inside. The girl tries to change the asshole into a nice guy, but assholes will always be assholes. She gets upset and goes to the nice guy to complain about the asshole. But she claims to love the asshole… now this is where the theory begins.
She doesn’t want to look like she is easy so she wont dump the asshole right away, instead she will stay with the asshole. Girls are idiots. They don’t realize that the nice guy has been there all along. He never had to pretend to be a good guy to get girls because he is naturally like that. However, girls don’t see it for some reason or another. They look at the nice guy as a friend, a trusted companion to whom they can tell their sad story to about their asshole boyfriend. But the nice guy isn’t THAT naïve. He was trying to score with the girl he listens to all along. The problem is that since he is a nice guy he keeps listening. Since girls get attached to things that pay attention to them, they think of the nice guy as a friend. A FRIEND. They don’t say, “Oh he’s hot” or “I want to have his children” about the nice guy, they just want the emotional support. When they get the emotional support from the nice guy, they don’t need it from the asshole. The nice guy gets the shit end of the stick while the asshole gets all the action. I am starting to wonder if being a nice guy is really the route to take to get action… I have been down this path for all of my post-pubescent life and it has gotten me NOWHERE… at least not in the women department.
Perhaps another reason why girls fall for the asshole is because assholes ignore the girl they are with. The women wonder, “Why isn’t he paying attention to me?” so they explore why. They poke and prod and get closer to the asshole. They start to get easier with each attempt to get closer. The asshole finally says, “I’ve let this beauty dangle long enough, time to boat this bass”. It is then he puts on his charade and the girl feels like she has won him… even thought all she has won is an asshole. Once you have gone down the path as a nice guy or a “listener” you can’t turn back. The girl will always go after the assholes because there are always nice guys there to listen. Once you realize that you are a “listener” you cant do anything about it… just pack up and close shop. There is no way you will get into her pants… ever. There is and never will be a situation where the nice guy will get the girl he has a crush on. It just doesn’t work like that. The girl wont “come to her senses” and realize what an asshole her boyfriend is like in the movies… instead she will just go after another asshole, and unless you stop being a nice guy, she will never go after you.
Women complain that there are no nice guys in the world. Right. They are obviously not looking hard enough because there are nice guys EVERYWHERE!!!! Girls aren’t looking for nice guys… they say they are but they’re not. They are looking for the perfect asshole, but there is NO SUCH THING as the perfect asshole. All in all, the nice guy gets the shaft. To all the girls out there with boyfriends that don’t treat you with respect, that don’t listen to you, and that don’t care about you I say this; look next to you. The guy that has been standing next to you the whole time is the guy you have been looking for. He is what you want your asshole to be like. He knows more about you than you know about yourself… because he has listened to it all.
Truly... I couldn't say it much better than that. Credit goes to Garrett Hols for writting this.
~ 03/01/03 ~ I can't stand Yoga
Yoga, as far as I know, means "union." What kind of union? Try mouth-to-genitals, that is the only reason people practice that crap, to give themselves blowjobs... for real. Yoga is perhaps the biggest load of bullshit ever invented. It almost makes me want to drown knowing that there are people in my planet that actually believe Yoga helps them maintain physical fitness, mental clarity, and general well-being. Open your eyes you fucking faggots! If you practice Yoga, you are giving your money away to some fag guru that is usually a worthless skinny gay male whose favorite pastime is to chew on his beautiful hair. Then you sit on your ass and stretch or whatever for the duration of the class... What the fuck? Speaking of gurus (teachers), they piss me off beyond belief. Once I had to enter a Yoga classroom to wait on someone and I feel lucky to be somewhat mentally stable after that. The guru kept talking softly saying stuff like "exhale the air from your lungs, feel your inner-self and... blah blah blah." I swear, on that very spot, I felt a sudden urge to snap that guru's neck and check how much the human body can really stretch.
I am surprised at how popular this worthless piece of shit actually is. One learns nothing from it, and gets nothing out of it (not even fun, unless you are the teacher showing your female teenage class how to stretch your butt out as far as possible). Also, I don't buy the fake statistics. Apparently, Yoga has been "proven" to help many people achieve their desired healing. Well I feel very happy for those people, truly. It is good to know that there is a cure out there for whatever disorder they managed to pull out of their asses.
Apparently, Yoga is a is a discipline with roots going back about 5000 years...
...
...
... Oooo-kay? And that means what? That because it is so old it has to work? Wait just a minute and let me get this down. If this thing has its roots going back 50 centuries, then that means it is meaning of life? But of course! How could I miss it? Everybody knows that people back then had migraines, anxiety, varicose veins, and high blood pressure problem all figured out! How silly of me, if they hadn't developed Yoga we would still have those things going on today now wouldn't we?
Yoga is bullshit, if you practice yoga you are a fucking moron who is wasting time and money.
~ 02/28/03 ~ What the fuck is that? Art?
Hey! Are you a sore loser with no education whatsoever? Do you want to make a crapload of money despite your lack of basic knowledge and competence? Well look no further! The way to achieve this is closer than you think! The solution, my friend, is art!
Behold!
This is your ticket to success! This piece of shit sells for thousands of dollars. Judging by the looks of it, all you need to do is grab some brown crayons smear them all over a giant piece of of paper (canvas, whatever). If that doesn't work and it ends up looking too good, try putting the paper on your backyard, climb up to the roof of your house, and aim your ass right for the middle of the paper before taking a dump. If done correctly, the shit should smear all over the paper creating a perfect piece of "art." Remember, the higher the fall the greater the value.
Now honestly, people who buy paintings like that should be shot. Why? Because they are fucking idiots. They either A) Don't realize that it is a piece of shit that takes no more than one minute to create, or B) Actually buy all the crap about true taste that can only be appreciated by a sophisticated eye. Idiots.
I am at a loss here, I am not sure on who is the biggest waste of life in the big picture. Is it the artists whose "best work" is an utter piece of shit, or the ones that spend thousands of dollars buying them? Well, the artist on one side must be pretty smart to realize that his child's kindergarten drawings are actually worth thousands, and the buyer needs to have a pretty successful life in order to afford the drawings at such ridiculous prices. So in the end, it is the art involved that makes both of them rotting scum. I guess we'll never know.
If they are going to draw crap, why don't they at least make it look like something that would catch attention? Here's an example, why don't they just draw a huge penis? Why not? One third of the people won't get it, thus bringing forth suspense. The second third will laugh, thus bringing forth humor, and the last third will think it is just a stupid drawing, thus bringing forth indifference. Look at all the mixed emotions that a piece of shit can generate if you just put in a pathetic extra amount of effort into it. Then of course you could write down a description on the frame that reads something like "The Penis, the only only thing so perfect in nature that not even evolution can improve upon it." Then you've got some thought-generating material! Assuming the thing will still sell for thousands (because it is shit of course), it would have originality that could boost the price all the way into the millions. Seriously, even normal people like me would actually look at it for more than two seconds.
I will never understand how paintings like that sell for so much, to me it will always be bullshit that revolves around a bunch of morons.
~ 02/18/03 ~ Horoscope is for retards.
I read the stars today (even though it was fucking cloudy, I'm good like that), and I formulated the best advice the art of Astrology can formulate for all you little creatures of our magical garden of life. If you do not know your sign, then not only do you have one less pathetic question you can pull out of your ass on a date, you also lack the proper knowledge required for guidance. Look it up somewhere because I'm too lazy to copy and paste it here.
This should get you through your day properly:
Aries - Try to make your goals smooth and desirable like a baby's butt. Try not to shake things that give you pleasure around too much, and keep in mind that easy does it.
Taurus - Your days will appear to be long and hard but don't let that fool you, underneath it things are as fragile as they can get, take advantage of that.
Gemini - Be careful with your money, people will try to take it. Shove it where you'll always know it is there and nobody else can see it.
Cancer - Always remember what made you into what you are today. Visit the cemetery often and make it clear that your loved ones can still bring you great joy even if they are dead.
Leo - Don't let yourself fall behind, clip off the useless tip of things. It might seem painful and out of the ordinary at first, but once you get used to it you'll love it.
Virgo - There are many ways that life can have its way with you. It can be gentle, slow, or rough and rather shocking. Open up wide and let these experiences reach you.
Libra - Uranus is aligned with your constellation today, be on the lookout for anything that might try to hit you from the back.
Scorpio - It's time to bust out what you've been hiding all along and just ignore the initial reaction of people. Soon enough they will all understand that anyone can benefit from your secrets, no matter how small they are.
Sagittarius - Take control of situations, quit letting people tie you down and do what they please with you. If they moan and bitch about it that means they like it.
Capricorn - Get your living environment cleaned up today. Bust out the vacuum cleaner and have fun with it. Make sure you are alone the entire time, distractions can lead to embarrassing moments.
Aquarius - Your health might be in danger, take care of yourself and make sure you can handle whatever enters your mouth before you swallow it.
Pisces - Remind your true life on how you feel today. However, you have to do it using a plunger, some soap, and a pair of tweezers all at once.
Anything related to the Zodiac is bullshit, if you actually read your horoscope every morning and follow its advice you are a moron who should have his own guts fed along with a nice cup of donkey diarrhea.
~ 02/13/03 ~ Jocks need to be castrated.
That's right folks, I believe with good reason that all jocks need to be relieved of their ability to reproduce. In all seriousness, nothing degrades humanity more than someone whose prime concern is the size of his muscles and the ability to "kick your ass."
When I'm in class, these Neanderthals appear to believe that the same conversation regarding how much they benched last night is a source of everlasting amusement. It is usually followed by an argument containing words such as bullshit, pussy, and fuck. Apparently, wether or not you are able to perform an athletic event (usually involving cussing and beating the crap out of each other) will determine your rank in their agenda.
Sadly enough, perfectly decent people have to waste part of their lives unpussyfying themselves to avoid getting their asses handed to them.
On another note, jocks are all fucking idiots. To them, a passing grade in a class is like an invitation to a gorilla-sound-making-session. Their stupidity knows no limits, they are spoiled, overgrown blobs of muscle.
Now, I know what you are thinking, I am most likely a pussy who gets beat up everyday by these fags and not do a thing about it except crawl back into my mommy and bitch. As pathetic as that sounds, for many people it is a reality. However, I have been a victim of nothing other than insults for politely asking them to shut the fuck up. But that doesn't change the fact that I believe they are a waste of semen. If I ever had to fight one, I would more than likely loose, but not before throwing a few punches myself.
Now let's take a look at what happens to all jocks okay? It's a very simple process with two general directions.
First we have the successful jock: These jocks actually use their muscles to make money, in other words, they succeed in life. However, their lack of brains eventually catches up to them and they spend it all on stupid shit, mainly drugs. So over all these kinds of jocks suck your money, amuse you, and then kill themselves. Pathetic.
Then we have the other kind of jock: The loser. These jocks dedicate their lives to bagging your groceries and giving you shit when you tell them to hurry up. These might just be the only jocks worth keeping around, so long as their are bred in special institutions in which their reproduction can be monitored and controlled at all times. After all, how could we survive without grocery baggers?
If you are a jock, please do some sluts who are not yet pregnant a favor and get your testicles removed. Humanity will appreciate it.
These are the only sites that will ever be worth my time:
The popup killer!
This man is my hero.
Where I go to laugh.
Where you let people know they are gay.
Some decent stuff.
