Women: A spotter’s Guide

  This guide is written to help men to judge what type of situation they’re getting themselves into before they get themselves in too deep. Yes there is such a thing as being in too deep with a woman.

-The “I Love You” Bitch-

  The woman that “knows” that you are “the one” even though you’ve only just met her 30 minutes ago and had been expecting a one night stand. These women have achieved an acute schizophrenia that is usually only achieved by heavy use of psychedelic drugs. If you encounter an ILY specimen, the only advice is to run. This is the most effective way to get rid of them. If one of them happens to trap you, the only safe way to get rid of her is to make it her idea to leave you. There are several ways to get her to leave you. The most effective is to start drinking, and stop bathing. Breaking up with an ILY is potentially dangerous. You could end up castrated while you sleep and find your dick nailed to your front door in the morning or something. These women are dangerous. The easiest way to identify these women if they don’t say “I love you” is if they give you the “I think we were meant for each other/soul mates” speech within the first five dates.

-The “Cheating Nympho” Bitch-

  The woman that will date anybody and sleep with anybody whether or not they’re dating anybody. Besides the obvious venereal disease risk, the CN is not particularly dangerous unless their boyfriend is the dangerous type. The CN is good if all you’re interested in is sex. These women are only after attention. By cheating on their boyfriend, they are getting attention form the guys they are sleeping with. If you date a CN you have two options. Option 1: Make it very clear that you don’t care if she cheats on you. This way you can cheat on her and it doesn’t matter. And after the first week or so she will stop cheating on you because it will no longer bring her any pleasure. This will inevitably shorten the relationship because she will not, I repeat: WILL, eventually leave you for someone who won’t like her cheating. Option 2: Play along. Pretend. Jealousy goes a long way with CNs. This option should be invoked if she is a good lay, and you want to keep her around longer than a month or two. If you find she is extremely good in bed after invoking option 1, you can quickly and easily switch to option 2 at any time. No need to explain how to spot a CN, they present themselves.

-The “All about the Money” Bitch-

  These women are only impressed by money and status. They are not usually physically dangerous, but are dangerous none the less to your wallet. You can be the embodiment of a sex god, but an AAM will leave you for a 120-year-old, bed-ridden, millionaire at the drop of a dime. Trying to date an AAM is utterly useless and a waste of time. They are completely useless, unless you are a 120-year-old dying millionaire. The AAM can be spotted just about anywhere, as “What kind of car do you drive?” or “What do you do for a loving?” will most likely be one of the first 5 questions she asks you.

-The “I’m Pregnant” Bitch-

  These are not the women that tells her guy when she gets pregnant. These are the women that says she is pregnant even though she knows she isn’t, or says she is even though she doesn’t know. The IP has two subgroups: the IP-A which does it for attention and the IP-S who does it for sympathy.

  The IP-A is a permutation of the CN. Although the CN isn’t dangerous, the IP-A is often violent and generally leans towards schizophrenia. They tend to be violent and delusional and just as dangerous, if not more so, as the ILY.

  The IP-S is similar to the AAM in that she does this partially because she is simply a lazy bitch. She also likes to be felt sorry for. The IP-S is not nearly as dangerous as the IP-A, because she is not usually violent and the only delusions she has are that they generally believe that they are pregnant enough to exhibit some of the signs of pregnancy. The IP-S’s also tend to be hypochondriacs. The IP is especially dangerous because they are the one most difficult to detect before you actually date them. There is no sure way to spot one, but warning signs are as follows:

While these conditions are present in women who are neither IP-A’s or IP-S’s, you will be doing yourself a favor by avoiding these bitches anyways for obvious reasons.

-The “I Own You” Bitch-

  This type believes that once you take her out she owns you and has the right to know where you are at all hours of the day (and night). She has false delusions of grandeur and believes that she is “The Woman” (what all other women should be). She believes that no other woman should excite you sexually and that she should be the center of your attention 24 hours a day. She believes that she comes before all people in your life; family, friends, etc. and that she also comes before any and all of your obligations such as work. IOY is a sadist and as such, is no good for a man unless he is a masochist.

  IOY can be spotted if you know what to look for. She never gets along with other women unless they are noticeably inferior to her. She never admits fault in herself and she will take any chance she can get to prove her superiority to others in public.

  The only reason to dally with IOY is if you have a superiority complex that needs to be worked on or if you are a masochist by nature, because IOY’s are extremely rigid in bed because they refuse to learn any new positions or techniques because they see themselves as perfect and without faults or shortcomings.

Author’s Note

  I hope this field guide will help men avoid these women and will help women take an objective view of themselves to make sure that they don’t resemble any of these personality types. I should also mention that I married an IOY, and seeing as how I am not the masochist type, the union did much to destroy my self-respect.


  The only normal people are the ones you don’t know to well.