My Views On...

    Okay man, I know it's been a while since I wrote anything completely new for my site. Hell, when this actually gets typed up for my site, it probably still won't be up yet. (I'm having a small funding problem) But, I'm going to be caught up with new features and new original writing when I finally get it up and running.

    More to the point, I'm writing about something that comes up a lot in conversation.* Ok class, today were going to be talking about sex. Or, more specifically, the different types of sex. The different types of sex are; Fucking, Fooling around, Sex, and Making Love.

    Fucking is basically done for your own gratification, and is easily accomplished with any cheap hooker.* Fucking is usually reserved for one-night-stands, prostitutes, ugly chicks, fat chicks, wives, etc. You know, people your not really trying to please. From my experience, fucking is no more gratifying than masturbation. Personally, I'll stick to masturbation, renting porn is cheaper than a motel room and you get to keep the porn for two nights. Generally though, you only fuck someone that you don't care to see in the morning, which brings us to fooling around.

    Fooling Around is done for harmless pleasure. It's what you do with that one really good friend, and it doesn't change your overall relationship with that person. Fooling around is basically casual sex and carries a certain risk. One risk is the venereal disease factor. But the most common risk is screwing up a good relationship with someone who is close to you just to get your rocks off. If your going to risk casual sex, beware of the consequences. There is a great risk to the friendship even if that special friend is a sexfiend.

    Next subject; Sex, everyday, ordinary, sex. Sex is meant to satisfy you and your partner. Sex is when you pay as much attention to your partner's orgasm as you do to your own. To have real sex, you have to be able to acknowledge that your sexual organs are not the center of the universe, and that there is at least one other planet in your solar system. Sex is a joint effort ending in joint satisfaction, afterward you two can maybe smoke a joint or something, but anything less than that is just fucking.* Sex is special, not as special as making love but still special, and this brings us to...

    Making Love; Making Love is the most special thing of all. It happens only when you pay attention only to your partner's pleasure and you will do anything to please them. (Unless you're a prostitute, then it's called a good night's work)

    I have only had sex with four women, but of the four, I've had the full range of sex from bad to average to good to, just recently, great sex.

    Bad sex is what you get when your partner just lays there and takes no initiative whatsoever, and refuses to change positions, make noise, move, etc. Basically, a dead lay. You could only get worse sex from a corpse. This type of sex is most typically gotten from either an extremely cheap hooker, or from your wife.

    Average sex is more emotionally open than bad sex. I.e., the partner is more interested in your needs and tries to get you off but is still not quite open to new positions or places.

    Good sex is completely emotionally and physically open. You and your partner will do anything to please eachother. Really good sex is the essence of making love. You can have really good sex for eight hours and have it feel as if it's only been half an hour. Good sex is something that should be strived for in any serious relationship and is almost magical.

    Great sex is magical. Great sex is when it feels like your partner is psychically linked to you and your partner knows what to do without you even saying anything. Thirty minutes of great sex completely eclipses all other sex you could ever have. It is a truly memorable occasion that can be easily remembered, even if you're completely piss drunk from half a bottle of tequila.

*A bad foreshadowing pun.
*Might I add that prostitution is America's best and oldest home business. God bless America.
*Fucking is the bastard child of intercourse.

If you're with a chick that is bad in bed;

    Get really romantic with her; roses, insence, candles, blind-fold, hand-cuffs, the whole nine yards. What you do is; start with the foreplay, get her very hot, undress her, bring her to the bed, start kissing up and down her body... At this point you pause to fasten the hand-cuffs to her wrists and the headboard, then continue kissing up and down her body, paying special attention to her forehead, neck, chest (in-between the breasts), stomach, thighs, etc. After about five minutes or so of this, stop. Calmly get up, get dressed and leave. Go back in a few hours, and, if the bitch hasn't chewed through her own wrists to get away, unlock her and let her go. Believe me, you won't have to worry about bad sex from her ever again.



    A comedian once said; If you put a quarter into a jar for everytime you have sex in your first year of marriage and then take one out for evertime after that, you'll never run out of pocket change.