MY VIEWS ON POPULATION CONTROL-
One of the biggest problems facing our nation today (besides Bush and stupid people and police. I'll get to them later.) is overpopulation. I have taken a logical approach to this problem and, as usual I have come up with a properly unsuitable solution. My solution is partially inspired by an old short story that I read some years back (I can't remember the name at the moment but if I do it will be printed in here. I believe in giving credit where credit is do. Another one of my growing number of ethics). I am going to propose and outline a five year plan that, if imposed and enforced properly, should solve this dilemma, along with a few others that are not specifically targeted, like old people.
-VEHICULAR MANSLAUGHTER ISN'T THAT BAD, IS IT?-
We should start by revoking all traffic laws. That includes laws pertaining to drunk driving, stop signs, vehicular manslaughter, and all such laws limiting the use of heavy machinery, deadly weapons, drugs and alchohol. We should then replace these with a few simple guidelines. I like the word "guideline" better than law, because "guideline" sounds so much friendlier and less restrictive than "law". I'm a friendly guy, I like to sound friendly. Anyway, these "guidelines" should ensure safety to the people who need it. One more stipulation is that all people currently jailed or imprisoned for traffic violations concerning things like driving drunk or vehicular manslaughter. Vehicular manslaughter isn't that bad, is it? You just let them go, give them a car, and maybe a small weapon or something. Hell, if nothing else, these motherfuckers will make the five years a little more entertaining for the rest of us normal people. The "guidelines" are as follows.....
-CROSSWALKS (ARE)... ...SAFE...-
When aiming at a pedestrian, or pedestrians; no more than two tires will be allowed to leave the street. Any violation of this will lead to prompt execution by my peace force. The vehicle will be turned over to the targeted pedestrian, or to his closest living relative.
Crosswalks will still be fairly safe, however anyone moving slower than a mild bat-out-of-hell pace will be considered fair game. Any violation of this restriction by motorists will be dealt with in the same manner as described above, as no slack can be given to these motherfuckers.
Pedestrians will be allowed to defend themselves against motorists. This defense will however, be limited to the use of small handguns not to exceed small caliber revolvers. They will be allowed to use them only when their personal well being is being threatened and are being specifically targeted by a motorist, not before or after.
-WOULDN'T WANT THEM GETTING TOO JUMPY-
My peace force will be constructed mainly of the more violent people in our society. You know the ones I mean, the people with the natural killer instinct; all the members of the "Hells Angels", prison lesbians, feminists, and baptist people. We'll get them together, give them all motorcycles, swords, sawed-off shot guns, marijuana, PCP, crank, everclear, and maybe some anti-depressants or something to calm them down, we wouldn't want them getting too jumpy, after all, these assholes got a job to do.
All money collected from insurance, national healthcare, and social security will be used to generate tax deductions and returns for motorists with high pedestrian kills and pedestrians with high motorist kills. Also, since the IRS likes things to be very anal-retentive about such things there will be a points system to help guage the returns more effectively.
-THOSE ANNOYING LITTLE SCOOTERS-
- regular pedestrians - 3 points
- old ladies and children moving too slowly on crosswalks - 5 points
- rollerbladers - 7 points
- rollerhockey players - 8 points ea. (double points if you get the whole fucking team)
- vietnam veterans in wheelchairs - real: 10 points, faux: 9 points
- bicyclists - 20 points
- bicycles (the three wheel type) - 30 points
- bicycle cops - 50 points
- another motorist entering a bar - 80 points plus his car
- anyone riding one of those annoying little scooters - 100 points (50 extra if you break it into more than 8 different parts.)
After the five years many of the problems in america should be at least partially solved. Problems such as overpopulation, pollution, power shortages, gas shortages, unemployment, police, and old people. This will be ultimately beneficial to our society in so many ways that it is hard to see any problems with initiating it. Of course, anyone standing in the way will be promptly executed for the good of the nation by my peace force. No slack will be given to these motherfuckers since they are trying to stand in the way of the greater good of our country.
Have you ever run over something big, and in a panic of not knowing what it was you hit, you, quickly, put the car in reverse and back right on up over it again? Then, there it is right in front of your car, the tread-marked remains of what was once a person. You ever notice how the second crunch isn't as impressive as the first, and is verging on more of a squish? Well, you sit there thinking about it for a little bit, but what are you going to do? Drive around him? Hell, you all ready ran over the motherfucker twice, why pussy out now? Run his ass over again and get on with your day. You have more important things to do than sit around staring at his splattered ass all day. His fault for getting in your way. -Squish- I hate that shit.
Crazy people never really lose their minds, they just become something a little more entertaining. If you have any additions to the points system, send them in and I will be less than happy to append to the ones I already have.
This piece came out as good as I thought that it would. It seems the bugs in my creative process have no quibles about bad things happening to people, or maybe they were just too hungover to interfere. Still, the name of a good insecticide for these types of bugs would still be greatly appreciated.
If you enjoy reading my stuff then, until next time, I bid you farewell, good night, sweet dreams, a fond adieu, and may the pyromaniacs and dark forces of evil embodying the midget, pink and pleasant, purple-polka-dot, flying, circus-elephants, disguised as housecats become confused while trying to find your house, and accidently take out your neighbors. You know, the really loud ones that you can't stand? If you don't like reading my stuff, go fuck yourself. Hey, some people need practical advice from a friendly, caring, fun-loving guy like me.