Metaphysics - A tale of magic words - or, An intelligent stoner's bedtime story

Ok here's the deal; I'm pretty fuckin' high, I haven't slept in a while, I been drinking a little, and I haven't been laid in a month and a half, so my view may be slightly askew on this one. That and I may have to correct some spelling in the morning, but here goes anyway...

The Freudian idealology of how the brain works is basically that it functions on and is composed of three levels; the "id", the "Ego", and the "super-ego". The "id" is the section that is unchecked by morals, conflicts, and obsticles. It is responsible for the "I want" drive. The "Ego" is where the morals and conflicts reside. When the "id" says; "I want to fuck that chick". The "ego" is saying; "No, you have to at least talk to her first, or it's considered 'rape', a major 'faux pas'." And the "super-ego" is the program that gets to figure out which suggestion is best.

Freud also believed that the two major drives that motivate people are the hunger and sex drives, and that the hunger drive is most likely the reason that people developed such high intelligence and speech.

I think that is bullshit. I believe that the sex drive is most likely responsible for our speech and intelligence. When men and women began evolution; Women (being very typical and predictable) grew smarter to prove that they were better than men. The men, in turn, angry that the women weren't giving them any, were forced to grow smarter so that they didn't have to masturbate as much.

Then the women invented speech so they could talk about men (and other women that made bad decisions and actually liked sleeping with the men). So this put the men at another disadvantage in getting pussy, and the only way that they could get laid was the chance meeting with a woman that the other women called "whores" or "sluts" or other one syllable words. The men then attimpted to learn this new language and had trouble at first but eventually got it, and even invented a few new one syllable words of their own, like; "bitch", "cunt", and "dick" and even the first four syllable word which was "motherfucker", this was a big, powerful, stand-alone word, which could be a whole sentence if used properly.

The women retaliated against the men, and this blaspheme at once with "sonofabitch", which had the audacity to infring upon their invention and do something as ignorant and contemptuous as to actually improve upon it.

The women decided to be rid of these dangerous and devious men through selective breeding, and through selective breeding they would stomp out all but the ignorant. They would do this by offering the ignorant free pussy. The ignorant were the ones stupid enough to give the women one of the three magic words in exchange for pussy. The first magic word was pronounced "yes". Anytime you answered a woman's question with "yes" it got her immediate attention, and if you answered "yes" to the proper question, she would even give you pussy.

The ignorant men, not knowing that they were such, couldn't understand why a simple one syllable word like "yes" was rewarded with free pussy, (this was because they didn't, and still don't, completely understand the language.) but they liked it. They experimented with other words to try and get better rewards, and in the first experiment, they figured that with a greater number of syllables, they should get a greater reward, so they invented a new four syllable word and tried it... But, for some reason, they didn't get any pussy for quite a long time. They could not understand this. They thought that, with a magic word with as many syllables, and as much force as "Yooderdiebitch", they would get four times as much pussy with four times the force, (like I said they were stupid and didn't understand the language so this was an honest mistake) but then they figured that maybe this magic word was too powerful to be used right away, and maybe should be used after a couple of less forceful magic words. (men were still slow to give up on something as a bad idea)

There was a rumor, covertly started by the women, that the new magic word "Iluvyoo" worked good in attaining pussy and would repair most of the damage caused by the last magic word. The men tried it and, to their great enjoyment, found that it worked, and it reinstated the pussy supply.

The women next started a rumor (they were good at this) that a new magic word: "Idoo" that , when spoken at a big religious cerimony, in front of a priest and family and friends, would get them the motherload of all pussy that would last them the rest of their lives, and that no lesser magic word would ever break this one, because this one was forever.

Most of the men, however, decided that there was something about this new word that they just didn't like, and they also reasoned that it shouldn't be used because it was smaller than the last one and they were stiil trying to build up to the old sacred magic word that promised four times as much pussy with four times as much force when spoken after a succession of lesser magic words. A lot of men however, used the new magic word and found that the pussy did get better, but only for one night, and after about a month or so it declined so dramatically that after as little as a year they were barely getting any at all. These men soon realized exactly where they had gone wrong... They should have used the sacred magic word directly after the new one. They should have been spoken in rapid succession and combined into "Idoo-yooderdiebitch" at the big religious cerimony. That would have saved them a lot of trouble, they thought. In an effort to try and salvage what they could of the situation, the men decided to go home and use the sacred, extra magic, word.

The women had been waiting on this. It had been a part of their plan since they had heard of the mens' sacred, magic word. As an answer to the sacred magic word, they had invented a new magic word; "Deevorse" which, when invoked in the presence of a "lawyer" and a "judge", revoked all the man's claims on his property and personal possessions. This was followed by another new magic word, pronounced "alimony". "Alimony" forced the man into a slavery to support her until she found another ignorant man to prey upon.

Anyway, I think Freud was bullshit I believe that their are three main drives which are; The sex, hate, and love drives. The sex and hate drives are housed in the "id" section of the brain, while your ego houses your political programming (i.e.- all the bullshit that you are programmed to believe by your parents, your government and your religion) While the love drive resides in your super-ego, the love drive does not have any power of its own but instead, it channels the forces of the id and the ego to suit its needs. The love drive is responsible for the inspiration to create. It harnesses the energy of the hate and sex drives to create something new. The sex drive is... uh... qpuite understanable... uh.... Damn... what was I saying?


No where to stand and what to do when your train of thought finally derails.


-Author's Note-

All of the above was written while under the influence of pot and several types of alchohol. It is written here in its entirety with only minimal spell chicking and grammar correction, and I have edited only the most incoherent gibberish out of it to preserve your sanity.

If you were getting interested in what I was saying, I'm sorry I sobered up enough to forget what it was about. If you are a guy and you feel bad about what happened to the men in my bedtime story, here is a happy ending for you bitches;

But, after the men recovered from the "deevorse", they discovered that the claims of the sacred word bringing four times the pussy were actually true. You see, they had overheard a lot about something called "sluts" from the women that they had said the magic words to. They decided to go find out what these "sluts" were. Well, they found out and lived happilly ever after........

Personally though, I liked the story better as a tragedy.

Also I would like to dedicate this piece to my wife, who, by sheer coincidence, became the final instrument in my mental deterioration, and subsequently supplied the magic that I use to fuel my writing. It is because of her that I can now write, so danielle, if your reading this... FUCK YOU TOO!