Sex in the media is….

Polluting the minds of the public.

  I believe that certain types of sex in the media is necessary, while certain types are not. Sex is not necessary to sell toothpaste or breath mints although ad companies do resort to this. However sex is required to sell certain products. How many condoms do you think you would sell without some reference to sex in the commercial? Sure you could have a commercial for condoms that would be slightly more impressive.

My Condom Commercial:

  Scene opens with the two condoms hooked up to air compressors…Joe’s strawberry flavored, steel-belted, radial with French tickler and optional vibrating, oscillating head, (for her pleasure) vs. the other guys (the Greek horse brand. hint. hint).

  We inflated the condoms until the other one breaks. Then fade out to the words: Joe’s. Inflatable to 100psi (pussy square inches).

  Then fade to black. The “Trojan Man” ain’t got shit on me.

Playboy

  Other items that require sex to sell are porn and vibrators. While I don’t know how to sell porn without actual sex, “Playboy” has apparently been doing it for years. Playboy doesn’t have any porn in its porn videos. There are no Playboy videos in my video store’s porn section, they are kept on the wall right above “Power Rangers” and “The Pokemon Movie.”(yes, this is 100% TRUE) Granted, you do have to be 18 to rent them, but that’s only because my video store is in the same parking lot as a Baptist Church.

  I do however have a commercial for vibrators:

My Vibrator Commercial:

  Scene opens with a large hairy hand, that looks like it might belong to a construction worker or a lumberjack.

  The hand sets the competitions vibrator down on the sidewalk and turns it on….nothing impressive, it buzzes a little, rattles, and bounces around on the sidewalk.

  Scene resets back to the hand only this time it sets down “Joe’s ultra-high frequency, high power, high volume, high capacity, super-vibrator, with optional high torque drill bit extension.”

  The hand sets it down, turns it on. The vibrator takes off, and turns the sidewalk to gravel.

  Scene cuts to the words: “Joe’s, when only HARD-core equipment will do.”

Playboy and Baptists

  The only way you could advertise for a phone sex company without the sex would be either flash the number with an ultra-low price under it like $.20 a minute, or you could put the phone number under a picture of the Playboy bunny.

  Some sex products already use commercials with almost no sexual references. KY Jelly is able to advertise during primetime hours on any channel for just this reason. However, their commercials seem very bland and lifeless, especially for a product whose main target market is gay men. Also did you ever notice that they never show a man in the commercials? Well, for my commercial, we’ll leave that gay element out of it (We don’t want the Baptists all over out asses):

My Lubricating Jelly Commercial:

  Scene opens with a straight highway in the middle of the desert.

  A van pulls up, two guys get out roll out a slip 'n slide and get out a vat of “Joe’s ultra-lubricating YuK Jelly (strawberry flavored)” and set it down about 15 yards in front of the slip n’ slide.

  The two men go back to the van and yank a bound and gagged 18-year-old cheerleader out, dunk her in the YuK Jelly, pull her out by an arm and a leg each and get a running start at the slip n’ slide , then launch her ass first down the yellow rubber.

  The cheerleader takes off from the mat and the scene closes on the cheerleader sliding down the highway and into the sunset.

  The scene fades to the words: “Joe’s YuK Jelly, when you need the ultimate female lubricant. It’s like KY only better.”

Philosophy:

  Don’t let the Baptists get you down. Most of them will probably burn in hell with the rest of us. Hypocritical bastards.

-spydur

Author’s Note:

  I have lots of great ideas, but most people don’t believe that I’m serious. Footnote:

  Why is it that the Trojan condom company can be so successful with a mascot like that? Seems to me that a group of people who constructed a large horse made to carry saboteurs into a city undetected, so that they could destroy it is an odd relationship to draw to a condom. Isn’t the purpose of the condom to keep the little saboteurs from wreaking havoc on the city?


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