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  1. When girls wipe back to front, the potential for E.Coli can collect on the urethra opening and colonize, causing a urinary tract infection.

  2. Historical dental hygiene was curious. Early toothbrushes were made from Siberian hog neck hair and much of the early toothpaste was made from human urine. Highly prized and expensive toothpastes were made from Portuguese person urine.

  3. Still regarding hygiene, toilet paper was invented by Joseph Gayetty in 1857. The stores carried it for a very brief time and then discontinued its sale. People didn't want toilet paper. It took several decades for toilet paper to catch on.

  4. (JB television commercial, failed to air) In the year 1900, diarrhea was the third highest cause of death among the human race. Diarrhea was. It killed more people than all types of injuries and cancer both combined. Heart disease had nothing on diarrhea. Eat Bran Flakes and you won't have heart disease.

  5. In the year 2000, the average lifetime medical expenses of someone who lived to be 65 years old totaled $30,000. The average lifetime medical expenses of someone who lived to be 90 was over $200,000. This means that a single 90 year old bag ends up costing the taxpayers virtually the same amount as seven 65 year olds. I say we bring back diarrhea. Back with a vengeance!

  6. Wheat bran increases fecal bulk. Wheat did it.

  7. Only old people have massive struggles peeing. How often do you see a 14 year old grunting at the urinal? And I promise, it shouldn't take 4˝ minutes to complete. Old people stand at the urinal motionless for up to 10 minutes sometimes. This is called benign prostatic hyperplasia and it's silly.

  8. But old people are better than young people at some things. They're much better at taking less for granted. Tell a hyperactive five year old "at least you’ve got your health."

  9. Old people are also better at going to bed for the night at 4:30pm and holding in perspiration.

  10. In favor of old people though, Grandparent's Day exists. Jimmy Carter signed the bill to make it an official holiday in 1978. The guy who wrote the bill and spent his entire life savings to promote it was a grandparent. This is stunningly sad.

  11. Another quirky holiday is Columbus day. In 1492, Columbus set sail to find spices for his food. Columbus never found any spices. And to top off his failure, his boat struck the shore of a continent that had already been discovered generation after generation by countless thousands upon thousands of people. This calls for a celebration!

  12. Roughly 500 years into the celebration of Halloween, human sacrifices as a part of those celebrations became outlawed. Furthermore, regarding the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and so on, the Birthday Man didn't have a lot of staying power.

  13. While still on the subject of holidays, Reginald the Red-nosed Reindeer was Ruldolph's original name and Saint Patrick's name was not Patrick. Nor was he Irish. He was Maewyn, and he was from Wales.

  14. Human milk release is also called "triggered let down."

  15. Although I don't believe in the death penalty, let's look at the facts. After the million-dollar trial, it costs about twenty thousand dollars to complete an execution via lethal injection. But before this takes place, the lethal injection facility must first be established, costing between a quarter million and a half a million dollars. It seems more economical and cost-effective to blast someone in the stomach and wash the knife off in the sink.

  16. The thenar muscle (thumb quadrant of your palm) is the best tasting part of the human body. Where most of you tastes like chicken, the thenar muscle is a delectable duck breast. The more aerobically fit a muscle is, the darker the meat is, and more fat and blood is marbled in. Chicken breast is all lean and white because they don't fly, and so the muscle doesn't get used. Consequently all you eat is a bunch of contractile proteins. With ducks however, they have to be aerobically fit for flight, so it's all fatty and bloody delicious. Same with the aerobic fitness and deliciousness of your thumb muscles. I got dibs on your thenar! And also the backstrap (made up of postural muscles) tastes really good in young boys. I got backstrap dibs too!

  17. Blueberries are the best berry.

  18. Sometimes marionberries.

  19. Also, I failed the second grade because I spent too much time drawing brontosauruses.

  20. Gary Glitter (born Paul Francis Gadd) wrote the song "Rock and Roll pt. 2" This was a very successful song (especially in stadium sports – basketball in particular), and even managed to collect a Grammy. The first notable part of this fact is that Gary Glitter was convicted of child pornography in 1999 and child molestation in 2005, and sentenced to prison in Vietnam, where he still is. The even more notable part of this fact is that Glitter shares both the royalties and the Grammy with the guy who shouted the word "hey!" in the song. That guy is referred to as the "lyricist" and receives equal musical esteem.

  21. Rock and Roll pt. 2 is a lot easier to listen to than that song about center field. The song I mean is the one that sounds like La Bomba but has English words about sports. Both of those songs are bad (La Bomba and the center-field-song).

  22. All I really do is lay in bed, tired.

  23. Gay marriage is an item of immense political debate because many people are against sexual relationships among same-gender couples. Relationships are fine, as we all have those. But sexual relationships, out of the question. Thus, gay marriage bans arose to express this. However, today, 1979 has already happened. That year the Village People unveiled YMCA to our unsuspecting populace. Because of this incident, we now have detailed accounts of all of today's anti-gay politicians singing along to this song (while festively dancing) in public events; each of them with unsurpassed delight and enthusiasm publicly belting out verses about anonymous gay sex. I don't know how to respond to this, so I'll let the fact speak for itself.

  24. Regarding all the horror-filled things people say about nuclear bombs being what will end the world, pretty much the exact same sentences were used about the long bow when it was first introduced as a weapon.

  25. Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce Indians is famous for his poetically celebrated statement of "I will fight no more forever." If you think about it though, it was just bad English. It was him trying to have good English, but not able to. Nonetheless, people, scholars even, credit him poetic marvel and acclaim.

  26. From 692 until 1517, the Christian church excommunicated all wig-wearing Christians on grounds that they were wearing wigs.

  27. Vasoline's inventor ate vasoline every day. He got diseases and died. By the 20th century, tribes of people were consuming it on bread as a substitute for jam.

  28. The greatest game ever played is pass the parcel.

  29. Dave Thomas dropped out of school at 15, then founded Wendy's. William Rosenberg dropped out at 14, then founded Dunkin' Donuts. Harland Sanders dropped out at 12, then founded KFC. Because people in this business weren't as sharp as modern 3 year olds, McDonald's developed a massive "Hamburger University" where clean cut people could get a degree in "Hamburgerology." But McDonald's franchise founder also dropped out of school at 15. This makes the higher education establishment questionable at best.

  30. The golden arches of McDonald's represent "Mother McDonald's breasts" says Louis Cheskin, historically McDonalds biggest design consultant.

  31. The NRA is just as much about restaurants as it is rifles.

  32. If you've been bit-ravaged by a pit viper, you should apply an elastic roller bandage rather than cutting the wound more or using a tourniquet.

  33. Sometimes if your outside hose gets out of water, you can refill it with your inside sink if the hose is long enough.
  34. "Glyco-Heroin" was a common cough suppressant in the early 1900s. Its active ingredient was heroin. It didn't stay on shelves for a considerable length of time.

  35. In 1923, Doane Robinson presented to the state of South Dakota that Mount Rushmore should be carved into three western-legend story people that you've never heard of. He pressed for this to happen, but the carver people refused and offered instead to do important people- such as four famous presidents. With no other choice, Robinson hesitantly agreed.

  36. Furthermore, Mt. Rushmore is half the size you think it is, more than two hundred times as stupid, and Roosevelt has no right to be there.

  37. When has a large band ever not done an encore? Don't kid yourself into thinking that you need to cheer for it. It's already programmed into the set list whether or not you're shouting with other people.

  38. Pockets were invented in the late 1500s. Before that, men would tuck their money into their "codpiece." That's what they called their crotch-region.

  39. Make-up artists are not real artists. In fact i would be willing to bet that most make-up artists are horrible at actual art. So when people say, "life's an art, and we're the artists," they forgot to tell you that "make-up artists" are not real people.

  40. Yogurt keeps yeast infections at bay.

  41. Along the coastal regions of California, there are quite a few Hawaiians who can be viewed as elitists. To people offended by this, the mere sight of a macadamia nut is irritating.

  42. Puritans deemed surfing evil. It was henceforth banned until such times as non-indigenous white settlers in Hawaii disregarded puritanical jibber jabber and revived it, not the Hawaiians themselves.

  43. In order to tell if punching someone as hard as possible in the lips was a premeditated act of brutality, check to see if the puncher wiped rubbing alcohol onto his/her knuckles several minutes before punching so that infection could be avoided. Also, if you're going to punch someone as hard as possible in the lips, you should consider the costs and benefits of the early application of rubbing alcohol.

  44. When girls sweat a lot it usually smells like curry.

  45. Sometimes while wiping (not right away, but definitely during the last couple wipes) it can help with cleanliness if you sprinkle some Comet onto the toilet paper. Or maybe something like Simple Green or Tilex.

  46. I played chess and made my pawns invincible for a good time.

  47. At gift-giving holidays (especially Christmas), people are bad at gift-giving creativity. These people resultantly succumb to repetition of one sub-par idea year after year, mistakenly interpreting a single optimistic response as everlasting success. An example of this is my dad and beef sticks. While in his latter 20's, he politely commented on the delectable nature of a slice of beef stick. Ever after and without fail, his Christmas is riddled with beef sticks. Now in his 50's the readiness to lavish these beef sticks upon him has yet to wane.

  48. You can induce croup for an effective abdominal workout.

  49. Ma Ferguson, the first womanly governor of Texas, God sanctify her little heart, didn't fancy bilingual programs in her fine state. To publicly communicate this, she raised a bible and said "If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me!" According to that logic and the fact that Jesus never heard of English, Texas shouldn't be allowed to speak English either.

  50. If Texas couldn't speak English, that would help the nation from a fiscal perspective and from a killing perspective.

  51. Bidets are a popular alternative to toilet paper. They produce less total waste. However, the water doesn't just disappear when it's done with your butt hole. Shortly after, soiled, poopie water begins to run down the bidet-user's thighs, pools temporarily at the back of their knees (popliteal area), then inevitably collects in their socks. This is a hazmat. It's not, but it's fun from now on.

  52. After ejaculating while harshly dehydrated, it can sting ass burn hurt to pee.

  53. The methodology for early birth control had a slow start due to the fact that females were believed to be nothing more than a sperm house. It was thought that male ejaculate contained homunculi (i.e. tiny people) that grew into bigger people once inside the sperm house. However, even under this assumption, several effective methods were found.

  54. In ancient China, swallowing tons of mercury poisoned the mother and baby both, killing the baby, and not helping the mother. Ancient Egyptians smeared a bunch of crocodile poop into the woman's vagina. And this worked because of the acidity causing a pH change not suitable for sperm. How many substances were extensively tested to eventually decide on crocodile poop though I wonder.

  55. Early condoms were made out of animal intestinal tubing and fish membranes. But they were hard to make, so the big problem was that they were always being reused unwashed. Then in the 1500s, linen condoms were invented and they had pink ribbons on them to appeal to females.

  56. Riding a horse and just'a'clappin' my hands.

  57. Though baby dolls today are usually of indeterminable gender, baby dolls of earlier times were anatomically excessive, as they were little infants with massive genitalia.

  58. Original sausages were not nearly as slender and streamlined as they are today. Soon after their invention, eating these bloody fat tufts of sausage was considered sinful by the Catholic church and then sausage production became outlawed, which paved way for sausage-bootleggers.

  59. People think Thomas Crapper invented the toilet. Thomas Crapper was a made up person in a fake non-fiction biography published in 1969 called Flushed with Pride: The Story of Thomas Crapper. It has since made appearances in the reference section of modern encyclopedias. Two years later, the same author, Wallace Reyburn, wrote another fake non-fiction biography on the inventor of the bra, titled Bust Up: The Uplifting Tale of Otto Titzling. Again, it has since been referenced in encyclopedias as an accurate piece of history.

  60. If you wish for Katrina L. Davis,
    And out comes Chieftain Purplant.

  61. Although only about 3% of people are actually allergic to bees to any degree, everyone I've ever met has told me they are because they don't want me thinking they're a huge pussy when they panic and flee from a little bee.

  62. In the 1400's in Greenland, the Norse tribe of people didn't like the Inuit tribe of people. The Inuit tribe ate fish. The Norse therefore refused to eat fish. Then they died of starvation.

  63. It's difficult to say whether psychics exist or not. Evidence often suggests that they don't. If this is in fact the case, there was once a time where a guy came up with a marketing idea to capitalize on people's fear and uncertainty of the future. Sick bastard.

  64. Fred Flinstone's wife's maiden name was Slaghoopal.

  65. Barbie, that little stupid doll, has a last name. That last name is Roberts. Also, if you own a Barbie, you're probably unintelligent.

  66. In the original version of Little Red Riding Hood, the wolf brutally murders the little red riding hood girl in a horrendous blood bath. Then, in one of the early revisions, the girl isn't murdered, but instead the wolf collected the grandmother's blood in bottles and made the little girl drink them.

  67. In the original version of Sleeping Beauty, the princess is not awakened with a kiss. Rather, she's raped by a married man. Then she's abandoned. Then she bears his illegitimate children. Then his wife finds out and captures the kids- threatening to slit the children's throats, cook them, and feed them to her husband. Yay!

  68. The original version of Cinderella is Chinese. And instead of a fairy godmother, it's a magical fish and Cinderella's evil stepmother kills it. Then the Scottish version came about, where the magical fish became a magical calf and the evil stepmother slaughters and cooks it. After that, Cinderella wished upon the dead calf's cooked corpse that she would have a beautiful dress to go to a ball. When her wish was granted, she goes and loses her slipper- and a prince finds it and declares he'll marry who ever's foot it fits. Thus, the evil stepmother bloodily slices off the toes and heel of her daughters feet to make it fit. The prince didn't know she was all mutilated and married her. Then he also married Cinderella too.

  69. In the original Goldilocks and the Three Bears, Goldilocks was not a golden-haired maiden. Rather, she was an angry, old, homeless bag in her mid-60s and the bears tried to drown her, threw her in the fire, and then finished her off by impaling her on a church steeple.

  70. Cracking knuckles is little fireworks.

  71. "People" is the plural version of "person." Persons should not be a word. Furthermore, irregardless is not a word.

  72. Hamster is weird. Not the monster itself, just the name- because it's not pronounced hampster. It's hamster. It sounds as though it's supposed to be a sandwich.

  73. Also, dreamt should be spelled dreampt. Nevermind. It sounded much better than it looked in print. It has too much resemblance to armpit.

  74. In 6th century Italy, pestilence killed lots of people- and while doing so, they were often sneezing a lot. So when you sneeze, Christianity says that you wish wellness upon the person. "Bless you" will often suffice. If you are not blessed, you are to helplessly cry aloud "God help me!" Do this until, hopefully, someone has the common courtesy to bestow a blessing upon you.

  75. If you're not a Christian and somebody sneezes, you have several options. The Greeks thought sneezing was a sign of forthcoming disease, thus, upon sneezing: "Jupiter preserve you!" and "long may you live!" Lastly, the Romans understood sneezing as expelling bad spirits, hence: "Congratulations!"

  76. I met a Greek man August 4th, 2004. I asked him if he still believed in powcher. He breathed out hard, loudly, and stern.

  77. The onset of fork-use at the dinner table endured religious persecution. However, tiny, primitive pitchforks had been around for years without complaint, offering little to no agricultural benefit. But on religious grounds little pitchforks could not assist eating, for God's given fingers must suffice. Hence, the original napkins were approximately the size of beach towels.

  78. Giving someone "the cold shoulder" is not an issue of performable stature. It refers to literally serving a dinner guest cold beef shoulder meat. It's done to indicate that you don't want them at dinner anymore.

  79. In the fourth Harry Potter movie, the drapes manager and costume driver are very high up in the list of credits.

  80. Americans do things like "I just bought corn dogs in bulk." Americans also die mostly of cardiovascular disease.

  81. There are 119 quarter ridges per quarter and 1 in every 119 people commits suicide. Also, a lot of people die from other things. There are also a lot of people living. And there's a lot of money.

  82. Your odds of dying from being struck by lightning are less than you being killed by a state ordered lethal injection.

  83. Halibut was the old fish n' chips. The new fish n' chips is Chilean Sea Bass, the worst and most unnecessarily expensive fish on the market. It used to be called toothfish, but during a Halibut shortage, they made it pretend-glamorous because it's tasteless and impossible to overcook. It's gross.

  84. Sometimes people are named "Boom" for their name.

  85. The most hideous thing existing in Salem is Capitol Manor.

  86. Also, there's an Indian kid (not native with feather) whose name I will protect by calling him Poppadams. He's the second most hideous, dreadfully appalling looking thing in Salem.

  87. I think it would be unethical to, while wrestling competitively in singlets, spit in your opponent's face. And do it again and again throughout the match.

  88. Only adults like naps.

  89. The inside of people's mouths are mostly solid black looking when they're seen gaping open or sort of open from a distance.

  90. If I were to frequent McDonalds, I would notice that they use the same little plastic food trays that carried my lunches in elementary school, as if we're not embarrassed enough to be there as adults anyway.

  91. If people made goat butter more affordable, other people still wouldn't buy it because it doesn't and/or shouldn't exist.

  92. At the Humane Society, a person grips a cat with a mustache (named mustache) with hands. It was a cowboy (the cat was).

  93. Sponge cakes have contained lunacy in a loaf.

  94. Instead of saying "go potty," parents of potty-training individuals should say things like "are you going to go make potion?"

  95. The people of Easter Island didn't understand where oxygen and food came from. They removed all their trees and vegetation. Shortly after, they all starved and suffocated and died and stuff.

  96. Puzzles are the lowest form of entertainment. After tiresome and tedious hours of dull, mindless labor, you marvel at your creation: the exact same picture you can clearly see on the cover of the box. As such, the purchasing of a puzzle is henceforth strictly reserved for mean jokes and gifts for grandparents.

  97. If you twist your penis tons so hard that it makes about two complete rotations and try really hard to pee, it stings everywhere!

  98. Van Gogh earned $109 on all of his paintings combined during his entire life. Me too.

  99. Those little red and white striped mints? I've never liked those. Not one.

  100. Playing cards is among the lowest forms of entertainment. Watching other people play cards on television all by yourself is much lower. Either of these two activities represent a fate worse than death.

  101. We're busy Anglo-Saxons.

  102. Native Americans are the only human ethnic group that are really into air brushed shirts that have lightning and/or chieftains on them and sometimes a wolf or wolves.

  103. How many villains does a midget have? That must be really heavy.

  104. Sometimes when you put ear cleaning sticks in your ears and swirl them around, it makes you have to cough. Usually only kids cough about it.

  105. Coffins are a waste of money, like shaving cream. But with shaving cream, it's a biological scam (they put alcohol in it to ruin your skin so that once you've started using it, you have to keep going). With coffins, I can't figure out what the scam is. People are dead. They should just be thrown into the ocean.

  106. Sometimes I think it would be neat to be a Viking.

  107. Mormons and the KKK each have secret handshakes. The Mormon one is to meet God while the KKK one is with the left hand and is done with a limp wrist. The main difference between these two groups is that the holy book of the KKK is named after the Koran (the Kloran) while most Mormons are open to their dislike of Islamists. But Mormons don't like blacks either.

  108. In the developmental stages of life, if a boy doesn't ingest enough zinc and nickel, he gets the disorder known medically as micropenis.

  109. Jackie Robinson, the first ever African American to play in major league baseball (or any major sport for that matter) was a republican. Even after the republican outrage about the civil rights act of 1965, Jackie held strong, opposing civil rights.

  110. Most animal poop doesn't smell as bad as human poop, let alone baby poop.

  111. You know that song "insane in the membrane?" That doesn't even make sense. It's not a coherent sentence. And membrane is not a difficult word to understand. Everyone should be familiar with its definition by the fourth grade. Maybe fifth if they're a ways behind the standard academic curve.

  112. He's ham-fisted.

  113. I ate an apple today and usually I like them really crisp. This one was all warm and flaccid. It was like apple sauce. It was still good though.

  114. Wilson, the sporting goods company used to be Ashland Manufacturing Company. It was a branch of a meat packing plant and it sold strings for tennis products because they were byproducts of animal guts. Before Pepsi bought it (then sold it), it was bought by bankers and became called Wilson and Company.

  115. "Courtney" is the nineteenth most common girls name among low income white families in the United States. It's not on any of the lists for non-poor families, nor for any class of boys.

  116. Parents who name their child Ricky have less education on a national average than those who name their child Micheal (notice the misspelling). On average, neither set of parents have graduated high school, but Ricky's parents dropped out even sooner.

  117. Monkeys, like humans, murder other monkeys in cold blood. Not often. But sometimes they do that. Also, it's speculated that a long time ago, early human hominids used to impregnate members of the monkey genealogy, and vice versa (interspecies breeding) to produce hybrids.

  118. When wiping my bottom after pooping hard, I like to dip the toilet paper in mouth wash. If I don't have any, I use baking soda.

  119. When gas prices go up, the cost of fueling the trucks that transport gas to the stations goes up. This increases the price of gas.

  120. Little slug bodies are all wet in order to reduce friction. If you were born without enzymes, it would be very difficult for you to create energy and thus, you might need sopping glisten-skin to move much too.

  121. Society designed or at least produced mag wheels. That's quirky.