Wishful thinking: my aching heart's desires. Numbers one through fifty-five.
1. Name my child Splanchnic (i.e. guts).
2. Sell cereal with a lot of animal hair mixed in. Probably Trix or Lucky Charms. Something of that nature/consistency so that the hair can get into the crumbs a lot. A whole bunch of hair though. Not tufts. Just a ton of individual animal hairs that look gross in milk.
3. Spend a minimum of 60 consecutive days referring to myself in the 3rd person as "Terrible Wrath of Britney." After this introductory phase, shorten it to simply "The Terrible."
4. Create a celebrity sperm bank where women can place celebrity cum up in and inseminate their children into celebrity.
5. Because caroling is only socially acceptable just prior to Christmas, do one of two things:
1) Do tons of Christmas caroling from late October to mid November.
2) Go caroling any time of the year, but have it just be songs on the radio or anything that people might recognize.
6. Call DMV and ask for Amanda Leigh Larson Phillips Slade. If she's not in, ask for Giovanni Escobar Ray Terrance Metz Smith. If that person isn't in either, begin stating names for no reason. Do not stop until they hang up the phone. Wait 8 minutes, call back and ask for Kevin Swayne. If he's not there, inform them that I will send him right over. Wait another 8 minutes. Call and ask for Kevin again. Keep calling asking for Kevin until they take the phone off the hook. When they do, report them to various agencies in a very professional manner.
7. Every time I speak, look directly into my palm with my fingers crumpled hard into a mangled crow's fist of claw.
8. Manufacture generic Starbursts: Starbusts. Make it so that kids choke on them a lot and sometimes die.
9. Convince people that there is a state in the U.S. called Funton. I lived in Funton for 6 years. And I actually got a bachelors degree at the University of Funton. My degree was in communications only because the school's pretty well known for it. I lived in Greensburrow, Funton at the time and I just commuted. The university is in "the city" (i.e. West Cordin). There's no way I'd ever move back there but it wasn't that bad while I was there. It just used to be a farming community (Greensburrow still is), but it kind of built up and now there's a big separation between social classes- i.e. the people who own tons of land versus the migrant community who are now out of work because farming isn't as big as it used to be, etc. Aside from decent corn and an occasional graduate who accomplishes something, not too many notable things come out of Funton. And it's not really all that welcoming either. I still have some friends who work at the university though that I visit from time to time. So I certainly get my Funton-fill. I fulfill the Funton quota and that's more than most people can say.
That's what my argument will look like.
10. Go to a movie theater. Enjoy the movie but also poop my pants. Eat food that causes my poop to look like wet tar. Have it be
very noticeable. Also maybe have it hurt so bad and I'm pooping blood.
11. Walk around in a public place as it's beginning to get dark with a flashlight aimed several feet in front of me to illuminate my path. Ensure that the hour is such that it's just starting to get dark, and thus almost believable, but still light enough out to be thoroughly ridiculous. Also ensure that it's somewhat densely populated. Lastly, be certain to maintain a vivid and undeserved sense of cockiness, because evidently I'm the only one who came prepared.
12. Write a Harry Porter book series. Make all the characters pretty much the same as Harry Potter (Ron, Hermione, Hagred, etc.). This way the lawsuit will bring enough media coverage to turn the series into a New York Times best selling force to be reckoned with. Write the books bad though so that they don't deserve the sales and consequently it's funny. But also try to make a lot of money. Do this by keeping sales high after the media coverage has fizzled out. Strategy: angle it toward evangelical Christians. In doing so, place Hogwarts is in Galilee and instead of Harry having a lightning scar, he has stigmata. Also, swap Headmaster Dumbledore with Headmaster Jesus Christ. And instead of Professor Snape killing him, it will be Professor Judas Iscariot. But that won't happen until the sixth book, Harry Porter and the Passion of the Christ. But in the seventh book, Jesus Christ rises from the dead in Harry Porter and the Empty Tomb.
Also in the series will be the notable blockbuster mega-hits: Harry Porter and the Fact of Creationism and Harry Porter and the Miracle in Bethlehem.
Also release a King James version where it's written from on high.
13. Sell placebos to combat arachnophobia. But try to figure out a way to make it also poison the consumer with spider poison. Maybe try to grind up lots of daddy long legs and place the spider powder on a Nicoderm-like patch. This might be more marketable because things with severe side effects are often more effective overall. This would contribute to the power of suggestion.
14. Much like the Harry Porter design, begin to write Botman comics where a cyborg hero named Botman pretends to be a bat in the city of Goatham. Or if I don't feel like putting out much effort, just make another Harry Potter spin off instead, but this one can be Hairy Porker and it'll be porn.
15. Install massive sheets of circular paper bordered by giant hoops in doorways of OBGYN clinics. In doing so, obstetricians can blast through them like high school football stars immediately before delivering babies, and consequently run a much more up-beat, glory-filled operation. Record satisfaction rates of women in labor relative to that of standard practice. Make future suggestions regarding obstetric practice techniques based on findings.
16. Travel to a city I've never been to before. Maybe somewhere in New England near Funton. The exact location doesn't matter so long as everyone there is a stranger. Every time I see someone working, act like I recognize them and that I'm surprised to see them. Say something to the effect of: "Holy cow! You work here?!" Formally document their reactions and attempt to publish findings in a meaningful and scientific way in the Journal of Occupational Therapy.
17. Sneak up on someone and scare them so badly that they develop chronic heart arrhythmias. Ensure that I have no idea who the person is. This way, when I explain to them that it was just a joke, they’re still really, really scared.
18. Invent Juggernaut CPR. In this practice, breathe into the unconscious victim as fast and hard as humanly possible. Also, press lips together so firmly that both parties endure immense bruising. Also, crush soft muffins into their bare chest. Also, place your hand on the nape of his super neck and obliterate the victim.
19. Become a police officer. Pull people over for what seems like no reason. When they ask "Why did you pull me over?" point at an item sitting on their dashboard (silent but insistently). "Pardon?" they'll say. (I jiggle my hand and point even fiercer.) "This pen?" "Yes. It's illegal to have a pen on your dashboard." Issue them a speeding ticket because it's a similar violation.
20. Write an email or telephone all people whom I haven't spoken to in 1 or more years. Describe to them details of things they don't want to hear or know about. This could include prostate complications, erotic encounters, how I need money, etc. Those who attempt to respond with concern, I can send them pornography (literary pornography) with a note that says "horse porn!" taped to a lot of the sides.
An example of a conversation could be the following: "Hi Brian? Hi it's Courtney. Courtney Jensen. From Salem. Salem. I'm fine, how have you been? Great! I was pooping yesterday because of how much batter I eat now and it stung my wet anus because of its seemingly limitless bulk. Wait, don't interrupt me. My sopping block of feces was really crooked in the toilet. When I say crooked I don't mean like dishonest. Crooked like horizontal. That's why flushing was such a predicament. The water would go down fine, but the poop managed to suspend itself above the flush. I said don't interrupt me. So I had to kind of damage it first with something before trying again. Plastic silverware was my first thought, but I couldn't really find any. So I ended up using the back end of Annette's toothbrush to break its spine so that it could be flushed down in two separate pieces. It totally worked. I should probably throw the toothbrush away, but I haven't yet. I'm sure I will – and I obviously won't let Annette use it again on a face, I just thought maybe I might need it again since I'm still only eating batter. That's all." Then I'd wait for a response.
21. Open a Japanese restaurant. Obtain fat removed during liposuction. On menu, offer human being bloody adipose tissue nigiri.
22. Also serve Hiroshima rolls. It's a smashed, mostly missing roll, leveled all over the plate. All you get is the last few vestigial pieces of devastated, burnt rice and some fake shrapnel.
23. Become a creepy baby sitter. Every time the child falls asleep, use my mouth to make really loud machine gun noises and various other gun and battle sounds exactly over their face. When they wake up in shock and/or a silent panic, slap them on the back. When they fall asleep next, repeat. Also, teach them that pooping in the shower is ok.
24. While at the gas station, be very polite. But when the attendant begins cleaning my window, wait for a moment, and then turn on my windshield wipers full blast, as fast as they can possibly go. Allow them to continue at their blazing pace until the gas attendant storms off in anger. At that exact instant, turn the wipers off completely.
25. Open an eastern medicine clinic.
Ask my patients what's wrong. Regardless of their answer, make them lie down supine on a massage table. Stand several feet away with my arm completely outstretched such that my hand is situated right above their face. Clench my fingers really tight into a super tight fist. While it hovers just barely above their face, periodically shout "don't look into the fist!"
Inside my fist is some sand, which I shall refer to as "magic dust." Periodically ask them questions about the flow of their chi and why they seek healing. When they attempt to respond, release sand into their mouth. When they react to this, very abruptly shout "don't look into the fist!"
The main goal of the entire production is to make people eat a large volume of sand. But that's not all. Additionally, very soothing and mellow music will be playing in the background. However, the soothing nature of this music will be sporadically interrupted by a piercingly loud trumpet blast. When this startles them, throw a lot of sand into their eyes. Explain that it is immensely necessary for them to tolerate the eye irritation.
To conclude the session, roll out a sleeping bag on the floor and have them climb in completely such that no part of them is visible. Without making a sound, begin poking them very hard with sticks. When they try to get out of the bag, scream and ridicule them until they get back in. Begin poking them again, but harder. Drag this phase out as long as I possibly can.
Charge a lot of money and speak poorly of western medicine.
26. Every time anyone says anything that dignifies any response whatsoever, reply somewhat irately with "dude, you're totally cuttin' up my banana!"
27. In a similar fashion, any time someone tries to explain something to me (whether politely or not) rudely interrupt them with "quit trying to run a business here!"
28. Release a rap album on either Epic or Island under the name Malcracker. All the songs discuss the nature of being a bad cracker.
29. Convince people of an extant, amphibious dinosaur called monodactyl and that it's the oldest living creature from the old world. Commence the rumor on local cable television and work up from there.
30. Kids have the unfortunate combination of being really insecure with little in the way of self actualization. Capitalize on this by becoming a character-sketch-artist at local fairs. Draw every kid with grotesque skin blemishes and really huge, hideous buckteeth so that they're very emotionally scarred and thenceforth exceedingly aware of any physical imperfections.
31. Try to compete in the shampoo industry. Because nonsensical products like "clarifying" shampoo seem to bring about success, I shall release "racing" shampoo. Bottle instructions are as follows: lather thick into able-bodied hair. Repeat twice. Gold ingots/ bullion!
32. Jump rope on the sidelines of a high school basketball game as hard and fast as I possibly can. At key moments, let go of the jump rope so it goes sailing violently into the middle of the court, hitting players mid-play. Run out into the court, apologizing profusely, but instead of getting the jump rope, try to rub the stomachs of the players with a severed, bloody monkey hand that I'm manipulating with my hands (which I keep in a picnic cooler until I need it).
33. Probably go to jail.
34. Get out of jail.
35. Sell rapture insurance on 5, 10, and 20 year advance payments in order to get incredibly rich. How this will work: "With unparalleled travel expansion, unruly war spreading throughout the Middle East, and all other signs falling into place, there is very little debate over the forthcoming end days. With undeniable certainty you can pour your faith into the hour arriving much sooner than later. With this knowledge, there's truly no reason why you shouldn't be among the blessed in your final days in this limbo on earth. You truly have nothing to lose and plenty to gain! If you adopt the 10-year plan, we'll give you $10,000 cash, and if for an unbeknownst reason, the forthcoming rapture doesn't come to pass during that 10 year span, you begin to pay $100 per month every month until the rapture does arrive (as decided by the United States supreme court). If the rapture does not take place during your lifetime, this fee will be transferred to a living relative of your choosing. The payment must continue to be paid and passed on to your children, and your children's children, and will not cease until the last of your bloodline perishes or the rapture takes place. In the event that the rapture does eventually take place, the contract is instantly null and void and all further payments are halted. Every year the payment increases by a set percentage to adjust to rising inflation. The three programs are as follows:
5 year: $5,000 loan, $50/month following 5 year delay with 2.5% annual payment inflation.
10 year: $10,000 loan, $100/month following 10 year delay with 5% annual payment inflation.
20 year: $20,000 loan, $200/month following 20 year delay with 10% annual payment inflation.
You can purchase as many plans as you desire."
36, Line up a professional job interview. Really have to go to the bathroom beforehand. Pee hard in my pants during the interview. Tell them how nervous I am. Take muscle relaxants so I can do it faster.
37. Spend at least 12 consecutive seconds staring into the face (eyes) of a peeing man while I'm peeing too. Document reactions.
38. Touch people awkwardly and say things like "you look just like my buddy Luke!" When they don't like that, say "that's just like Luke!"
39. Wear around a huge pair of jeans like they do in weight loss commercials. But just wear them places. Go out to eat in them, ride a subway, etc. Tell people about the ups and downs of my diet.
40. Cry a lot in public places in order to inflict discomfort on people.
41. Invite 6 guests over for dinner. Bake 5 cantaloupes. But make sure they're still in their unopened shell things and really overdo the baking so that the cantaloupes are absolutely scorching. Serve 5 of the guests the piping hot unopened cantaloupes. Give the other guest nothing and don't acknowledge that person for any reason. Maybe while some guests are trying to figure out what to do with the cantaloupe, poke them really hard in the throat as to kind of knock the wind out of them. And then sometimes whisper "sidewalk" or "pineapple" really tenderly in a guest's ear. Also, hold their ear while doing it. Maybe kind of cupping it but pinching it hard.
42. I wonder when a movie will come out where an actor that's not Burt Reynolds will play the role of Burt Reynolds. I want to be the one to make that movie.
43. Make a movie without Burt Reynolds kind of like Passion of the Christ. Actually, exactly like that, but instead of Christ, it's just a guy. Like a hooligan in a gang war. Characteristic of its predecessor, pocket several hundred million dollars while marketing it as the anti-Hollywood experience.
44. Get a custom (vanity) license plate. It doesn't matter what it says, just that I have one and get to be embarrassed about it.
45. Convincingly play the role of a blind man with large black sunglasses. Enter a grocery store with a friend at my side, guiding me down an isle, arm in arm, while I talk about macaroni. Routinely reach out and feel things. Make sure most of them are the faces and backs of other shoppers. Poke them in the pupil where it's wet so that it stings the person. And then rub my fingers into and around their lips. From there, try to feel their stomach or low back really hard so it causes harm.
46. Produce toys for children out of organic, perishable materials. This way, they're nontoxic and initially very safe to play with. But because it's not kept frozen, it decomposes rapidly, becoming all discolored and rancid, and attracting maggots and stuff. At this point, the child either continues to play with rotting, hazardous materials, or an adult throws it away. Either situation is a challenge for the child, and my toy company will strongly promote overcome-able challenges.
47. I'd like to throw peach skin away in the waste basket.
48. Join the ranks of William Harrison, John Tyler, Zachary Taylor, and Millard Fillmore by representing the Whig Party as President of the United States of America.
49. I decided I want to be electrocuted with a toaster during sex to enhance the feeling. Or listen to Dido.
50. Give a loud, breathy "yesss!" with relief and exhilaration from the deepest depths of my soul in response to extremely trivial things. Incorporate a clutching-fist hand gesture to seal the sincerity and excitement. Carry on doing this for several months.
51. Buy an urn and try to buy people to cremate and put in it. Buy as many urns and people as I can.
52. I wish the rapture would just come so that republicans could all hurry up and go to hell, or tribulation or whatever it is. Try to arrange a rapture of my own to inflict on them.
53. One day, I would like to be introduced to a crowd of strangers as "a man who needs no introduction," but not in those words exactly because it's super cheesy to say that. But something else that means the same thing. I would like the non-necessity of an introduction to be the result of me doing something for black people maybe. Or aliens.
54. Seduce a woman. When she's ready for sex, begin putting on condoms – one after another. Put on as many as is possible. When no more fit, open a box of joke-sized huge condoms. "What are those for?!" she angrily asks, watching the whole episode. "For my balls." Begin placing them around my testicles. If she hasn't become completely offended yet, get Saran wrap and begin wrapping layer after layer so that the general shape of my penis is no longer detectable and it's way to bulbous to do anything sexually with anyway. If she's still not phased, open a bottle of Clorox and begin dousing the entire wrapped package with bleach. "What the hell!?" "It's frosting." "What?" "I need it because you're creepy." That should be enough. If it's not, and she still wants sex, respond with "you know what? I've actually lost the feeling. The whole mood is gone. You make me wrap up like a fragile international shipping package and it just takes too much time. I can't even get to my penis anymore to fix the situation. So why don't we just go our separate ways." Then tell her I'm thinking about filing charges for spousal injustice. "I don't even know what that is!" "You weigh like 185 pounds!"
55. It would be both good and exciting if John Lovits were to play a headless horseman in a Broadway musical about life and loss. I desire this. Nay, I covet this in a fit of yearning agony. Make it happen!
56. People look back fondly on their days of the fifth grade. Put an end to this by becoming a teacher and enforcing daily reading circles while I videotape it. When going around the class videotape the child quivering the most and make him read for the longest. Play the video tape at every assembly.