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Monday, 16 April 2007
I met Portman earlier today. I went to San Francisco (all the way from its cesspit in Stockton) because he was going to be there for whatever reason (I never bothered to look up the reason). Turns out the reason was an awards ceremony. Fair enough. I climbed over a bunch of seats in order to sit behind him (like any proper stalker would). And right before the ceremony started, I fired off all my courage with this: "Frank?"

He turned around.

"Hi. I'm Courtney Jensen." At this point he could have just turned back around, but he didn't. Instead, he pretended as though this fine piece of information I just disclosed to him was of some consequence - as if to say "oh, right, Courtney, I almost didn't recognize you" only in gesture. And I have to be honest; this felt nice. It's the exact move I do to people all the time – literally every day of my life. The only difference is that I am supposed to know the people talking to me. I think Frank has yet to appreciate his level of literary celebrity and the uncanny crowd that it inevitably brings (me). Anyway, I harassed him further: "I started wagbog.com." I announced this proudly, as if expecting a response.

"Okay." That was his response, but he said it as if my explaining was pointless – because he already knew that. And again, this made me feel good, though I was completely aware that it was all part of his act. And I can describe this act as nothing shy of extremely successful. Obviously he must have been enduring some level of terror that a Mark Chapman-like stalker had managed to hunt him all the way to the seat behind his Asian girlfriend, who couldn't be bothered with the whole experience (the experience being me stalking him). And the potency of his theatrics covered up every last vestige of this terror. Success! Success to the tone of me obliviously continuing the dialogue: "Compliment, etc." I actually don't remember a word of what I said to him. Probably because it was all completely incoherent.

Anyway, at a pause in the conversation (I'd say "awkward pause" but the whole thing was awkward), I gave him the drawing I did of my WAGBOG (Jake). Now, I kind of explained this already, but I drew Jake a couple nights ago on a piece of computer paper while drunk in my office at 1:00am. I have no doubt this makes its caliber as a gift marginally less than "totally cool" – thus making discomfort the manifestation of its giving. Still, I deem my gesture just as creepy as it was worth it. It was a lot of both.

After I gave it to him, I asked if I was even close on the definition I came up with for WAGBOG (see first entry). Until he answered, I was offensively confident that I had nailed the definition on account of the sheer weight of my genius. His answer: "Actually I hadn't really thought about it on a psychological level – not enough to really define it" or some such (polite) dismissal of my question. If this wasn't his way of saying "you're totally, totally wrong" I don't know what else he could have meant.

But I didn't have any time to think about it because (right then) the ceremony started. And this made me pissed that I was now locked into sitting through ninety minutes of ritual crap. But then a little twist of luck made this happen: Frank won during the fourth minute of the event. The luck isn't what caused Frank to win – but rather what caused the promptness of his winning. So I left immediately (minute six).

If you want to hear about the ceremony and his victorious finale, you can read about it on his blog, HERE. My blog on the other hand, is about WAGBOGs specifically.

Notice how this entry didn't contain anything about WAGBOGs? That's because I drove to San Francisco with the hope that I would extract a nice little profundity on the subject. And then obviously I didn't. If I had, I would have written about that instead of this (a big entry about nothing). But on the bright side, what a nice guy he is (i.e. WANG-HI).

Posted by ms2/bigjensen at 12:59 AM PDT
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Saturday, 14 April 2007
A special treat for you
Below is a picture I drew (which I just finished drawing). It's of a once-upon-a-time member of a typical WAGBOG demographic; the washed-up "I peaked in high school" WAGG whom we'll call Jake. Jake is believed to be about thirty-two years old and in possession of a bad liver. p.s. I used my hand with a pencil to draw this, making it ? me, 2007. Moreover, I was sober when I started it (though my sobriety progressively waned during its creation and thus I may be in possession of a bad liver). May you now enjoy the visual splendor that represents the inevitable fate of the lesser crust of WAGGs. Notice in particular the advanced gynecomastia.

Posted by ms2/bigjensen at 2:25 AM PDT
Updated: Saturday, 14 April 2007 12:31 PM PDT
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Wednesday, 11 April 2007
A new entry.
I got an email from Fred. I actually got two. The first one said this: I wrote a post on your blog and now it's not there. What happened?

I wrote back. This: "Yeah that happens. What'd you say?"

He responded with his second email, as follows: I congratulated you on your provocative site and then went into a discourse on bogitude and that I agree with you that date rapist and wagbog are essentially synonymous. I always called them the "great guys" but as Frank Portman publicized his coinage first, so I'll yield. I disagree, sadly, about the 0.0 gpa. Unfortunately many bogs end up in positions of enormous power and show other trappings of conventional success (witness the present Bog-in-Chief, GWB). The 0.0 frat house crowd is, I'd argue, a different set of less threatening slobs. The bogs are far more dangerous.

Anyway, that was the gist, but now it's gone forever.

Fred's a friend. He's a surgeon, he won a bunch of Jeopardy episodes, he speaks as many languages as a respectable foreign cab driver, etc. Had his original post not been lost to the digital embarrassment that is my blog, I'm sure it would have been quite an arresting little passage.

On that note, if anyone else feels inclined to post, but, like Fred, can't, then feel free to email me whatever you want posted and I'll toss it up for you. Consider this my formal invitation. Even if this is what you write me: "I'm a football player and I'll punch you all in the mouths."

Just realize that, if you write me something like this, when I (as promised) post it, I'll do so alongside my response. And my response will probably contain something about your premature male pattern baldness and propensity to end up in a law enforcement career to satiate the need to push people around like you once did in high school football.

But whatever you feel the urge to write, I welcome it all. jbindustries@hotmail.com. Write WAGBOG in the subject line.

Cheers mates!

Posted by ms2/bigjensen at 1:11 AM PDT
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Saturday, 7 April 2007
Taken from Frank Portman's doktorfrank.com
On March 28, on www.doktorfrank.com, Frank Portman wrote the following:

WAGBOG HISTORY UPDATE: Apparently I'm not the first person to acronymize "what a great bunch of guys." Got an email today indicating that any history of WAGBOG would be incomplete without reference to this guy's dad:

I'm writing because I'm curious about the genesis of WAGBOG. I'm asking because it's been in our family since the early 70's. The family would be watching MASH or something on TV, and when the show was over and they froze the action with everyone smiling, my dad would say, "What a great bunch of guys!", which, over time, became shortened to "WAGBOG!"

Posted by Dr. Frank at 05:26 PM | Comments (6)

I realize the internet is not public domain. That's why all of this is referenced. Moreover, King Dork is a necessary read (to use a verb as a noun in a grammatically-atrocious plug).

Okay, now that I feel safe in further plagiarism, I can't help but speak to the ensuing commentary (n=6), here:

"WAGBOGs are, by definition, date rapists."
That's a little harsh.

Posted by Richard at March 28, 2007 05:37 PM

"Harsh" and "universal truth" are often interchangeable. Whether fortunately or otherwise is the debatable end.


Posted by Matt R. at March 29, 2007 05:10 AM

Thank you, Matt R.

The 0.0 GPA wish dork wishful thinking. These people do go to college and likely never get their commuppence.

Posted by josh at March 29, 2007 02:38 PM

Okay. Um... Where to begin. I guess I'll start with this: I don't know what you're saying. My grammatically appalling plug (roughly five to nine inches north) wasn't so appalling in comparison. "Wish dork wishful thinking." I promise I don't understand what this means. And were you trying to use the word comeuppance? If so, that's a terrible word. I'd lump it into the same category as "utilize." There are just better words available to you with the same definition. Don't hesitate to "utilize" them.

You're so right, Josh.

Posted by rejo at March 29, 2007 03:48 PM

You're so right too, rejo!

That's just bizarre. Who says WAGBOG and who has the right to decide whom is so? And why should we always believe Dad?

Posted by Leslo at April 2, 2007 12:04 AM

Frank did. And I think that's fine. Actually I think it's applaudable. Moreover, I think your sentence would be smoother with who instead of whom, despite the loose concept of a subject being verb'd upon. It's just hard to read the way you wrote it. Can I take a moment to illustrate a lesson in literacy? Once you've started a sentence, if you foresee an awkward ending, I swear you can rephrase what it is you're saying. You're never committed to use of the words who and whom. Especially while typing.

Now can I respond to your accusation of who gets to define WAGBOG? I'm going to... I was just trying to act reserved and polite by asking for your permission. By that same logic, who gets to decide what "that's" and "just" and "bizarre" mean? Or "who" and "says" and "and" and "has" and "the" and "right" and so on... "Whom" decides those words?

iacocca is still the best acronym in the universe. and if ya dont know, find out!

Posted by chris riordan at April 3, 2007 08:49 PM

I Am Chairman Of the Chrysler Corporation of America. It's okay.

That's all I can respond to because you guys haven't written any more. I do welcome your criticism/condemnation back though. Nay, I encourage it. I'm certainly not excusing myself from appropriate scorn so long as it's spelled correctly, coherent, and your choice of words is satisfactory. And hopefully you can make it exceedingly harsh/a universal truth. Cheers!


Posted by ms2/bigjensen at 7:52 PM PDT
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Wednesday, 21 March 2007
WAGBOG: "What a great bunch of guys." Coined by Frank Portman.
WAGBOGs are popular adolescent males who have some inborn athleticism. They try hard in the sports, but only so hard as to pretend they're not trying hard in order to look cool. They're almost always found participating in stadium sports and the token, most ridiculous WAGBOG is found in football.

When it comes to academics, they don't even put out covert effort. They don't try at all. Instead, in hopes of sliding by, they rely on their popularity among peers and classroom-pull exerted by their coach. While they manage to maintain (or even massage) their popularity, their complete absence of effort (coupled with the fact that they aren't genetically equipped to excel in the academic arena) has them bordering on a 0.0gpa despite all efforts made by the coach.

For this reason, parents of the student body often feel sorry for them. "These boys are obviously trying hard, but spending so much time in extracurricular activities – and nobody is willing to cut them any slack." These parents then sit on bleachers in the evenings to watch the WAGBOGs perform a sport, admire their athleticism, and say things like this: "what a great bunch of guys!"

WAGBOGs are, by definition, date rapists.

Posted by ms2/bigjensen at 8:59 PM PDT
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