Medically enforced dieting is now commonplace in civilized practice as the climbing obesity rate continues to pick up stride with a blistering tempo. It comes as no surprise that today's social order has potent skills in the calculated administration of a rotund stomach portion. Cancer, diabetes, cardiovascular and pulmonary diseases have all space rocketed into space and despite our best efforts, we've failed to combat this wave of corpulent plumpness.
The medical community has hunted the culprit of this bedlam for a substantial duration now, and repeatedly come up empty handed. All the while, our American, pleasure-gripping lifestyles have continued to cultivate a piping hot and huge midriff.
Isn't it about time we confront this problem, right the wrongs, and remedy our sizeable crisis? No more shall we surrender to nourishment compactness, or be haunted by the expectant girth sustenance. No longer shall we eat greedily just to stow it all away in our sizzling waistlines.
For the first time ever, we will unmask the riveting secret that has kept scientific elitists thin and sleek, and given the wealth-laden Hollywood heroes the longevity of their youth. The diet we are about to introduce is no ordinary watch-your-waistline-until-you-meet-your-maker fad that will quickly pass. Rather, this breathtaking secret has finally been unearthed, and is now pioneering its way into the general public.
Behold: The Paper Diet.
For the first 7 days in your voyage to perfection, eat paper in a volume that corresponds to the day of the week.
On Monday, you eat a single sheet of paper, followed by 2 sheets on Tuesday, 3 on Wednesday, and so on until you devour 7 sheets of paper on Sunday.
After this week long introduction sequence, you are to begin the preservation phase. During this time, you commit wholeheartedly to full-size brown paper bags. Every day but Sunday, you are to consume 2 bags. On Sunday you may decline all paper ingestion. In exchange for this systemic rest period, the first day of each week must include an additional mode of ingestion. You must demolish a manuscript. This only needs to be completed on two occasions in order to shock the system.
Once you feel you have attained your goals, it's best to wean yourself off the diet slowly such that your system has a chance to readjust to the habits of the old you. Though we preach lifelong commitment, we understand that not everyone is willing to commit to a lifetime.
Let's take a moment now to hear from our listeners.
Caller 1, you're live.
(Caller): What happens if we don't wean slowly?
This is just a recommendation we have established to encourage the highest level of personal satisfaction. In times past, quitters have had the inability to put immediacy into perspective of the long term benefits derived from their commitment years.
(Caller): I have another question. Can I ask?
Shoot it to me.
(Caller): How is eating paper good for you?
Thank you for asking. This is an important question. There are 3 general criteria that determine whether a food source is healthy or not.
1) Nutrient density (amount of nutrients per calorie)
2) Glycemic index (amount of impact on blood sugar- lower rating corresponds to a healthier food).
3) Thermal effect of food (amount of calories used in digestion of the particular food- higher numbers correspond to healthier foods).
Because paper has zero absorbable calories, the nutrient density is inconsequential, while the glycemic index is perfect and the thermal effect is remarkably high. Additionally, paper has been shown to bind to cholesterol in the stomach, and prevent its absorption. This makes it especially important for those of you watching your cholesterol or with blood pressure concerns.
Just like water is earth's most perfect natural drink, paper is earth's most perfect natural food.
And I'm afraid that's all the time we have.
For further information on the diet, or on vitamin fortified paper, please visit us online at www.eFitnessOnline.com. That's eFitnessOnline.com.