Eating Disorders...

I live in hell. I realize this has very little relevance to the topic in question, but I'm the author. And as such, I'm entitled to approach this subject in any way I deem reasonable. And I feel that it's not entirely inappropriate for me to begin with personal story time.

I live in Stockton, California. Because this is where I reside, I can't maintain possession of my belongings. When it's my transportation that's stolen, I obtain the privilege of walking eleven miles to school every bloody day. This obviously doesn't excite me. I'm starting my fourth consecutive week in this bout with hell and it's really not the mileage that does it. It's partly the excess of used hypodermic needles lining the sidewalks. But with scrupulous caution and an agile step, I can keep myself hivless.

What's harder to evade are the empty beer bottles shattering at my feet as they're thrown at me from the midst of the passing traffic. Not only is it hard to anticipate which cars the bottles are going to come from, but I have a difficult time understanding what precipitates the need to heave glass objects at someone simply because they have the misfortune of being a pedestrian.

Between sidestepping syringes and dodging the onslaughts, the eleven mile walk certainly keeps me on my toes. And it's a long walk for me. Just once I'd like to do it not on my toes. I'd like to cover the entire distance without a single forced display of athleticism. I don't foresee that in my future however. Because I live in Stockton, and as such, it's hard to imagine very much in life that exudes pure hell more so than me.

The only worse thing that comes to mind is being a victim of an eating disorder. I would hate beyond all measure to be one of these people. And I say victim, but really, I'm just going to make fun of them from here on out. And I don't like the idea that I'm making fun of helpless victims. So rather than address them as that, let's collectively refer to them as chunch. I think that's appropriate. And there are two obvious kinds of chunch: anorexics and bulimics.

We'll start with anorexia. The first thing you have to understand here is that hunger exists for a reason. You're supposed to be in tune with it. If you're not, that's generally a problem. This is why the most successful diet in the world is this: eat when you're hungry, stop when you're full. More people have found success with this diet than any other and it's pretty basic. All you do is respond to hunger. If you practice fasting, you're obviously not responding to hunger. And there are different stages of this. Any experienced anorexic will back me up here. Once you start fasting, you get hungry. And then you get hungrier. And hungrier. Then hungriest. And now an hour has gone by, and you haven't had a single meal. That's my time frame anyway. Most people go for tons of consecutive hours and grow more and more hungry, and then it kind of just goes away. If you go too long without food, you eventually become insensitive to hunger. At this point, it becomes slightly easier to continue not eating. This is bad.

Hunger exists for a reason. If it didn't serve a functional purpose, we wouldn't have it. Does that make sense? Think about it. Like anorexics, animals don't understand the physiological necessity of food ingestion. All they do is respond to hunger. They get hungry so they eat, thus they survive. If animals lost hunger, they would play for a while, get tired, then lay around not eating until they died of starvation. Then the race would become extinct. See the functional purpose of hunger?

If you don't act according to that sensitivity, it goes against all functional physiology that has allowed you to survive and prosper. Maybe not prosper in the case of anorexics, but certainly kind of survive. Other than that, I don't know what else to tell you. Everyone already knows how horrifically bad it is for you, so there's little point in me explaining anything about the body- though I totally could in enormously frightening detail. The main point is strictly the colossal absurdity of the whole endeavor. Your body kindly offers you huge assistance to guide the volume and timing of your meals in a way to make you as healthy and athletic as possible, and you struggle to counter it in order to look like a skeleton. Yay!

Anorexics are undoubtedly more successful than bulimics, however. Maybe I'm just missing something, but bulimics always seem to be heavyset and globby. They're both chunch, but at least anorexics are accomplishing their weird skeletal goals. That merits them some credibility.

A little advice to bulimics: it's not working for you. You guys are seriously waiting too long to throw up. If you're going to commit to this weird disease, at least do it right. If you half-ass it, not only are you weird and diseased, but you're not even good at it. Anorexics are disgusting and you guys aren't even lean yet. You're way behind so try to figure out a new strategy. This one totally isn't working for you.

Here, let me help. Pick up the pace on your vomiting, and eat more fat, less sugar. If you eat a carbohydrate dense meal, the carbs are sent out of the stomach to be absorbed first. Then when you throw up, it's essentially a pile of protein. Next time you throw up, do it in the toilet and notice the consistency in the water. What's causing it to stick together and not just become all homogeneous with the water is the protein content. When you take in carbs and eliminate protein, you're not going to get the ideal endocrine response for adequate weight loss. All you're going to do is rot your teeth and continue to be unhappy.

If you eat mostly fat, your stomach lining releases gastric inhibitory peptide into the blood stream. This delays gastric emptying, and thus, delays the absorption of any of the calories you ate, making the effects of your slow-paced vomiting slightly less deconstructive. So the most effective way to do it, is eat a bunch of fat, and throw up faster. Does that make sense? Then you can be just as disgusting looking as the anorexics, but achieve your that goal in an even weirder, more dissatisfying way.

In conclusion, if you want really quick weight loss and don't mind dying alone, super young, frail, and sickly looking, the standard eating disorders are probably your optimal route. I strongly recommend them.

And please don't go kill yourself. Rather, read "Eating to Shrink" and make legitimate, educated changes to your diet. This will make you healthier, more attractive, more tolerable socially, and allow me to not feel bad about writing this article. Good?

Answer: I realize there was no question, but I don't respond well to questions anyway. The day before yesterday I got run over by a car. This is more captivating than what you guys were going to ask about, so I'm taking the initiative as an effective leader. Because this is Stockton, stop signs are meaningless. That's not that fascinating though. I can get over this. What's slightly more fascinating is that making eye contact with the driver before you enter into the crosswalk is equally meaningless. Apparently I'm the only one in Stockton who was surprised by this. The drivers here are willing to deliberately run over pedestrians as to not miss the stop-sign-running-opportunity. To be technically accurate, I wasn't "run over." I was just "hit." The lady who was run over went to the hospital. I bet a good number of the drivers here are chunch. And pedestrians too. I would actually go as far as predicting that every year, chunch in Stockton runs over a chunch. I'll try to keep you guys posted.

Question: I'm very offended by this.

Answer: This is great! You should be. I'm so pleased right now. This means I have readers with eating disorders. Not only does this widen the scope of my audience, but people with eating disorders are very fanatical and exacting. As such, I feel that I can get a lot of feedback from you. This is wonderful! Was it "chunch" or are you bulimic and upset with the sub par goal attainment line? Or that I wasn't comforting? Will you expand on your comment?

(No response. My bad.)