What Alcohol Does...

Excluding the euphoria often ushered to me by Kermit Lynch, alcohol can be summed up as a generally bad thing. Thus, this: if you don't drink it, strong work. If you do, it's your new cortex that's compromised. And your new cortex is the region of your brain responsible for reasoning, logic, and values. The more you drink, the more damage is caused. And don't give me the tolerance excuse either. "Tolerance" is the learned ability to appear sober under brain damaging conditions. You're not actually sober with a higher "tolerance."

That said, the reason .08% BAC is considered legally drunk, is because any person who at .08% naturally by the physiological pathways in the brain, believes they are functioning better than they are. They have less balance, impaired proprioception and motor skills, and obviously unspeakably offset logical judgment. It would be really funny to me if you thought you were the exception.

At .1% your memory is effected. Again, it would be hilarious to me if you thought you were an exception to this. At .2% your body doesn't feel pain. So why is it not used as anesthesia you ask. I asked, but lets pretend that you did. Reason being, .24% can kill you. The medulla is the area of the brain responsible for basic survival. Stuff like breathing and motion � little things... So by this point, the medulla has long been affected and often just shuts down. You forget how to breathe. And while this is exciting, it�s not the kind of excitement you should be hoping for.

Instead, it�s the kind of excitement that causes alcohol to be listed as one of the more "deadly drugs." It�s not that people are always dying of alcohol poisoning, it�s just that the ratio of the amount that makes you feel it to the amount that will kill you is smaller than a lot of other substances you can subject your new cortex to. Proof: drink a ton and throw up. But don�t throw up. Do everything you can to keep your vomit in. This should cause your breathing to stop. And that�s the kind of excitement we�re looking for.

How alcohol works... Obviously you drink it, otherwise I wouldn't have to sit here writing this, and it goes into the stomach- then to the bloodstream almost instantly. Due to the size of the molecules, it is one of the only chemicals on the planet with the ability to enter the brain, fundamentally on its own merit. Yay for alcohol. And it arrives there not too long after your first swallow.

Now we'll make this argument pretty basic: your brain runs on chemicals. After ingestion of alcohol, alcohol is the chemical that runs the show. Less basic: it triggers the release of dopamine which stimulates the pleasure pathways to the brain and helps with electrical signals. This allows the Limbic system to function while the Cerebral Cortex cannot. The alcohol molecules dissolve into the cell membrane, which prevents messages from being transferred. But with the release of dopamine, messages can still arrive at the Limbic system, the part of the brain that is no more developed than that of a lizard. It is the animal instincts part of the brain; basic body functions, the feeling of pleasure, etc. There isn't a single intelligent thought originating in this area of the brain and it is not really affected by alcohol. The Cerebral Cortex however, cannot really be used with the release of dopamine alcohol causes, and is permanently damaged by the alcohol itself. So every time alcohol reaches it, you become permanently less intelligent. There's no way of reversing it. Realize that this applies to you specifically. Permanent brain damage almost immediately to the intelligent part of the brain. Yay!

Okay, then in your body. Anyone who doesn't want to look entirely and universally unappealing might have some concerns with its ingestion because none of us live in the era where we can kick it with Vivaldi as a lad � back when obesity was hot. And I'm serious when I say that there's no physical way you can avoid increasing your body fat drastically when you're drinking. I�m not serious when I say things like �I poked your placenta with a stick.�

Serious things: your liver breaks down the alcohol. This is where gluconeogenesis (manufacturing of new carbohydrates) and hepatic glucose production (dumping of those carbohydrates into the blood stream) take place. Loss of precision over the control of these processes results in altered insulin function. The pancreas still releases it, but the glut-4 receptors which insulin acts on lose sensitivity. And the sensitivity here is the single most important factor you have control over determining your adiposity (how much fat you have).

But it doesn't stop there. Because where you store body fat can be molded to make you more hideous also. Like alcohol's effects on insulin, it also messes up your body's cortisol release- increasing it by a nice firm margin. And cortisol is notorious for increasing abdominal adiposity (and face fat). The "beer gut" usually has very little to do with calories, and more to do with cortisol levels. Yay for beer gut in your stomach! But cortisol doesn't stop there either. It also encourages proteolysis. This is essentially using your muscle as energy. Just breaking down the good parts of your body to preserve enough fat to make your stomach huge. I gather you understand these are not good things. You have insulin preventing you from using fat as energy and you have cortisol increasing the storage of fat in your stomach. With those two things coupled together, you're working towards a fantastically huge "ab region."

Additionally (again), alcohol has 7 calories per gram. These calories themselves cannot be stored as bodyfat. And this would almost be good, except that any calorie you ingest with the alcohol will almost certainly be. You cannot use any food you ingest with alcohol due to the fact that all the chemical reactions in your body (metabolism) are running at a good quarter of their usual pace, and your body must fully get rid of every last alcohol calorie before it begins to break down any other. And carbs, protein, and fat are just long strands of carbon molecules- easily converted from one to the next. So every calorie you consume with alcohol (excluding fiber) is converted into bodyfat to stack on top of the already increasing percentage from the inability for your body to control cortisol and insulin release. So what happens if you just don't eat anything while you drink? That will stop some of the bodyfat you would gain, sure. But it will also horrendously damage your digestive tract letting hydrochloric acid leak through and destroy your vital organs.

So every time you drink, you become mind-numbingly unintelligent and pretty ugly as far as your fat body goes. So why is it even legal (other than that provided by Kermit Lynch and other notable importers who allow me my buzz)? Money and race. (Those are the reasons why it�s legal).

I'll start with race being as a) you don't believe me, and b) all you hardcore righties and lefties will forget this is about alcohol and get all defensive if I close this section with this. So, there was a time, really not all that long ago, when all drugs were legal (alcohol is a drug by the way). Then there was a time when most of them became illegal. If you're arguing with me already, you're ridiculous. Okay. Here's where race plays in. African Americans did cocaine. Native Americans did peyote. Chinese did opium based drugs. Hispanics did marijuana. White people smoked cigarrettes and drank alcohol. I hope this is clear, because I can't think of another way to put it. And I promise it has nothing to do with addictiveness or side effects, because guess which one is second to worst out of all those? Alcohol. Yay for alcohol, the second worst drug on the planet! (Opium drugs are worse for you and more addictive, by the way).

Granted, a number of years later they tried to make alcohol illegal, being as it's blatantly awful, but with the bootlegging and all that, it was relatively problematic. And this brings us to money: the other reason it's legal. This boils down to the financial incentive of the job market and taxation.

Our world operates on money. And alcohol brings in more money than you would believe. The American economy would be shot to hell if alcohol was made illegal again. The manufacturers, distributors, drivers, stockers, wineries, commercial advertisers on billboards, magazines, television, radio, etc, the directors, producers, graphic artists and other positions paid by the massive advertising, supermarkets, alcohol stores, employees of these stores, bars, bar tenders, waiters, restaurant owners, the list keeps going on of jobs that deal with alcohol. I could go on for another thirty minutes, but it'd be pretty unexciting for you. Point being there'd be millions of jobs lost and billions of dollars annualy from our economy if alcohol was illegal... again.

Beyond that, it's been around for a while. Over 5,000 years ago, there were already half a dozen different beers being produced in Egypt alone. I don't think it's going anywhere. So my suggestion is this: go enjoy your beer. And while you're doing that, I'm going to establish proximity laws. Here they are: if you drink alcohol and are within 75 feet of me, you're obligated to wear loose, maternity style clothing, and you may not discuss any topic in a language I understand. Please abide by my laws. I will be furious if you don't.