Please don't be this person...

I'll assume you already read the part about motivation. If you're not overwhelmingly unintelligent, that's all you need to know on the subject. If you are overwhelmingly unintelligent, or just a terrible human being, this section may come in handy. And if that does describe you, please, for the love of everything holy, please pay attention. These are rules.

Number one. Don't be the person who contributes to infomercial sales. I don't care how valid it seems. There's no legitimate motivation you could possibly experience at 2:17am. Unless of course they start advertising dumbells, a squat rack, a pull-up bar, and a good assortment of other fundamental free weight equipment and it costs about $15,000. But until you see that infomercial, disregard anything you see on TV. That and don't think those fit little models they use have ever used that hilarious contraption off camera, and trust me when I say you don't want to look like Chuck Norris. He's got like 35% bodyfat and is rapidly approaching the point of some deadly cardiopulmonary disease. The entire world of health is one huge marketing scheme after another. Don't be the fool who buys into it.

Number two. Please don't ever be the guy who works out because he wants to have sex. I see this guy all the time. If it's you, I swear I would be thrilled if you got hit by a car when you were on foot. First off, nobody cares. Nobody cares whether you work out or not. Lifting isn't going to remedy your low self esteem. And regardless of that, anyone who wants to get in shape in hopes for sex or any reason remotely affiliated, is not focusing on the progression of their fitness level. There's no way around it, you're focusing on the end result. And it's a ridiculous end result anyway. So do us all a favor and fix your motivation before you even try.

Number three. Nobody likes massive disgusting looking bodybuilders, male or female. I don't care how tight your sleeves are, nobody likes you. I gather you're picking up on the principal of rule number three.

Number four. Nobody likes emaciated people. I don't care how lean you are. It doesn't look good and it's not good for you.

Number five. Some people like the look of the people described in rules three and four. Naturally these people had a difficult upbringing and were probably abused significantly. My apologies go out to these people.

Number six. I beg you to not be the female who's violently afraid of increasing muscle mass. Realize that any gym you work out in, a good proportion of the members are males in tank tops fiercely struggling to gain one pound of muscle. Each one of these males has been battling this goal for months and months unsuccessfully, yet has more hormones to support this growth than every female in the gym combined. Please don't be so solipsistic that you don't notice this. If you're a girl, I promise you can work out to pure exhaustion at maximal weight capacity for hours and hours every day without concern. If you prove me wrong I'll give you a billion dollars.

Number seven. If you have no self confidence, sense of humor, or social skills, you cannot manually correct that with the bench press. Stop benching. All you're doing is hurting your shoulders.

Number eight. Please don't hang out in the weight room. You having a joke career because you spent too much time in the gym isn't helping anything. You overweighing the value of physical goals will give you no friends or family. Basically nobody will like you and you'll die alone.

Number nine. No extremes. Everything in life is best somewhere in the middle-ground. Keep your everything there.